


Flying Koshka

by Extraho



Series: Gains and Losses [1]
Category: Dexter (TV), Dexter Series - All Media Types, Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Daddy Kink, Domestic Violence, Domspace, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Flying Koshka, Injury Recovery, Light BDSM, M/M, Praise Kink, Pregnancy Kink, Recovery, Sexual Assault, Sexuality Crisis, Size Kink, Slash, Subspace, enema, m/m - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2018-07-26 14:06:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 47
Words: 91,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7576909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Extraho/pseuds/Extraho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tara was horrified as she saw the red lines along Jax's back. The average person might mistake it for lusty scratches, but she was a doctor and she knew better. Those where marks from a whip. </p><p>Russian businessman Isaak Sirko is quite entertained by his new American plaything, Jax Teller. He was a little rough around the edges, but very sweet, and completely new to the dynamics of a D/s arrangement. </p><p>Tara was worried, but Jax was in love.</p><p>PART 1 - 15/15<br/>PART 2 - 6/6<br/>PART 3 - 3/3<br/>PART 4 - 16/16<br/>PART 5 - Our boys are back on track, but shit starts to go sideways. </p><p>Please do enjoy the alternate story lines!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. PART ONE: 1.0

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, I've hit a wall with my other story, A Charming Solution, so I'm posting this one while I'm storting out the story line on that one. 
> 
> About the tags: This story draws strong lines between the BDSM lifestyle and domestic abuse, but also addresses the consequences of when those lines cross and how devastating violence can be to a relationship.
> 
> Sexual assault refers to prison guards getting frisky during routines.

Ch. 1 Summary: Jax is out for a ride, taking a much needed breather. 

#

Twenty six year old Jax kicked down the support on his bike and killed the engine. Taking off his shades he scooted back and rested his head on the fuel tank. He was so tired. Who fucking knew civilian life was so exhausting. 

Whatever the fuck he would give to just shoot people for a living again. 

No wife scowling at him, no mother breathing down his neck, no best friend in prison, his stepfather cornering him at every opportunity, no brothers always pestering at him. 

He missed the marines. 

Wendy was awesome, but she didn't want to be his wife, and he didn't want to be her husband. They were drinking buddies who had great sex. Or rather, they were, until Gemma decided she wanted grandkids. That was so not happening. 

He was not ready to be a father. Opie had two already and that was plenty enough for the both of them. Being uncle and godfather was hard enough work, especially when Ope was in jail. He loved helping out Donna, but practically speaking he was the husband of two wives, and it was exhausting. But he would never do anything else, as Opie would do the same for him. That said, dirty diapers and sleepless nights: no thank you, he’d been on that carousel with Opie’s kids already. He had no desire to do it again. 

They were adorable creatures, but Jax was under no illusions about how hard it could be. He wasn't the settling down type. Hell, he was the only kid he knew of that had never pestered his parents for a puppy. 

He pushed his long hair out of his face and looked around. Where had he ended up on his spur of the moment destination-less road-trip? 

Sacramento. Ah well, it would take a while to get back home in the morning. 

Shoving the keys in his pocket he headed into a nice looking bar. He knew he wasn't quite dressed for it in jeans, sneakers, black tee and leather jacket, but by the way the bouncer looked at him, he was pretty enough to get a pass on the dress code. 

Sitting down by the edge of the bar he let his eyes float over the crowd. Feeling a presence beside him he turned. His heart nearly stopped in his chest. Leaning back so he didn't have to crane his neck to look at the tall man, he raised a brow. 

“May I?” the man gestured to the seat next to him. 

Jax shrugged. Free world. The man was tall, slightly grey hair, very expensive suit, handsome with the most mesmerizing eyes Jax had ever seen. Blue, steel blue and glacial. If Jax was going to guess, he would assume than man was almost twice his age. Mid-late forties perhaps. 

“What’s your poison, lad?”

Jax snapped to attention as the man spoke to him, “Uh?” Damn, he had been staring. 

“Drink,” the man gestured to the bar, “Would I be mistaken if you are here for a drink?”

Jax swallowed. English. Fuck. He could feel his cheeks heating up. “Whiskey.” It had to be him. 

“Straight, chilled or on the rocks?” The man cocked his head, a small smirk pulling a his lips. 

He needed a cold drink after that long ride. “Chilled.” Was he hitting on him? Jax swallowed heavily. Oh dear lord the guy was hitting on him. And he had just accepted a drink from him. 

As the bartender got moving the man turned back to him, “Do you have a name, or will I have to continue calling you Sunshine?”

“You didn't call me sunshine.”

“I did in my head,” he teased. 

Jax flushed. “Jax – Jackson.” 

“Isaak,” he offered his hand. Jax accepted and immediately wished he hadn't. He was warm. Hot, and the head surged up his arm and settled in his stomach. What the hell was wrong with him? 

“So, you live here or...?” Jax asked. 

“In town for business,” Isaak replied. “I come every few months to make sure no one ran off with my money.”

Jax snorted, “That's a long flight from England.”

“I am Russian, though I live in Kiev.”

“Ukraine. Even longer flight.”

“Ever been?” Isaak asked. Most Americans couldn't tell one European capital from the next. 

“Not really. Just spend a few days on the base while shipping out to the Sand Box.”

“Military,” Isaak smiled, interested. “Active duty?”

“Marine, retired.” Jax sat up straight, 

“Thirteen years in the army. Followed with a decade or so as a sniper. Now I am a simple businessman.”

Jax nodded, “That's heavy shit.” 

Isaak shrugged. Indeed it was. He had only been sixteen when he was drafted in '78. He didn't have much of a choice. It wasn't like he'd had anywhere to go after his family was killed. He smiled at the blond in front of him. “Ah, things are different in Russia. Heavy shit is what we do,” he winked. 

Jax laughed softly. 

 

#

Isaak had to admit he was slightly captivated by the pretty American blond. He was so different from his dear dark haired dark eyed Victor. It was not often he strayed from his partner, but occasionally he felt the primal need pulling in his gut. He knew very well that Victor would not be accepting of his occasional past-times, but he also knew that Victor indulged in far more frequent indiscretions than Isaak ever did. Isaak had a theory that Victor thought his side-game didn’t count because they were women and that only other men counted. To be frank, Isaak did not care much. They spent much of their time on each their side of the planet. They were both grown men. They had needs. And perhaps this young man could state a need that Victor was not partial to participating in.

It was not often he cared to interact with Americans. He felt them crass and frankly, rarely very smart. Though he had to note that the people that crossed his paths were rarely the academic sort. One could not expect all that much from low level criminals and men that preferred some of his less classy clubs to proper company. 

This boy – and he would say boy, because despite his military service, looked very young – was not only smart as a whip, he was interesting. 

Isaak cocked his head. He was thinking with more than his brain here. He wanted to fuck the stuffing out of this boy. Judging by the blushes and occasional stutter Jackson was not adverse to the idea, though not entirely on board either. Isaak could not determine if it was because he was adverse to casual sex with strangers, or if it was because whatever had made him so startled when he had approached him in the first place. 

Isaak knew that if he wanted a sure catch he should have gone to a gay bar. However, the pretty thing had parked his bike by his car and gone in here, and Isaak was not ashamed to admit he had been lead by his dick into this… establishment.


	2. 1.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 2 Summary: Isaak is quite the flirt, and he likes what he sees. Jax revels in the feeling of being wanted.

Ch. 2 Summary: Isaak is quite the flirt, and he likes what he sees. Jax revels in the feeling of being wanted. 

 

#

Jax was only too aware of every point of contact between them. Their thighs pressed against each other on the narrow seats. Their shoulders brushing. Occasionally those hot hands would brush over his own, or a calloused thumb would wipe away a stray drop of whiskey. 

There was no fucking doubt Isaak wanted to fucking mount him. And just thinking of the possibility made Jax tremble. What was the risk? C’mon he’d been in the Marines. He’d seen things, heard things, enough to get a little curious. But not curious enough to try. Maybe because there had never been any opportunity? He was a traveling business man. He lived on the other side of the planet and even if he didn't, they hardly shared social circuits. What was the worst that could happen? They were unlikely to ever meet again, to ever cross paths again. 

Who gave a fuck anyway? Wendy wouldn't. She fucked chicks as much as he did. Would she care if he slept with a man? Neither of them were faithful. The expectation had never been there. Monogamy didn't suit either of them. 

Feeling slightly dizzy as his body seemed to decide for him, he leaned slightly into Isaak's side. The warmth that flooded him as the older mans arm settled around his back was unexpected. 

Isaak smirked as a flush spread on Jax's pale skin. “Something on your mind, boy,” he rasped, letting his warm breath brush over Jax's skin. 

Jax shivered. “Yeah,” he breathed. 

Isaak made short work of the bill and guided Jax across the street to his hotel. Jax felt slightly self-conscious in the gilded lobby with the shiny marble floor. 

“Sir,” a man in a black suit and wired up to his ears was suddenly at their side. 

Isaak just nodded to him and ushered Jax along. The man stayed outside the elevator. The second the door closed Isaak turned to him. Jax felt his heart hammer in his chest as the older man bent down kissed him. Jax wasn't sure what he had expected but it wasn't this. But really, what else could have happened? It was like Isaak sucked the breath right out of his chest, his tongue swiping along the roof of his mouth, making him tremble at the unusual touch. 

Jax startled as the doors opened again, expecting people and a hotel hallway, but was met with an entrance hall and a living-room. 

“Come,” Isaak rumbled. 

Suite. Fuck. Successful businessman then. 

The bedroom was huge and the bed was massive. Jax actually felt small. Isaak tossed his jacket on the chair and pulled Jax in for another kiss. Jax squeaked in surprised as Isaak lifted him by his ass, and wrapped his legs instinctively around his waist. 

God, he was strong. Jax knew he was heavy, but Isaak just lowered them both down to the bed. This was so weird. And he was so horny. His dick already strained uncomfortably against his jeans. “Impatient brat,” Isaak chided and mouthed at his neck. Then suddenly he was gone. Jax lifted his head up to see him unbutton his shirt. He felt slightly disappointed as Isaak was wearing a t-shirt underneath the white shirt. Maybe he should... he sat up and pulled off his jacket. He hesitated slightly at his belt, but Isaak kicked off his trousers so he undid his belt, button and zipper and – his jeans got ripped off his legs and he was flipped on his stomach. He glanced over his shoulder, seeing Isaak prowling over him. He startled slightly as a kiss dropped at the base of his spine. His heart hammered harder as Isaak's warm hands slid his boxers off of him. He felt naked and exposed as he was all but pinned to the bed. 

Isaak paused as he noticed his young prey tremble underneath him. And not the entirely good type of tremble. He dropped another kiss low on his spine and flicked his tongue at the crack of his ass. A hitched breath. Isaak smiled to himself. Seemed like the boy was more nervous than he had anticipated. Nervous, but still willing and eager. 

Jax jerked as Isaak licked the length of his ass, ballsack to tailbone. He gasped loudly as the slick muscle pressed against his hole. Isaak paused and spread Jax's thighs wide, sprawling him out on his belly, backside perked up for easier access. Isaak swiped his tongue across the rosebud and pressed the tip trough the tense muscle. 

Jax didn't know what to think. It was weird. Super weird. And wet. And hot. Invasive. Yeah, invasive. He moaned softly, hands clenching at the sheets. But kinda nice. He relaxed marginally as Isaak stroked his sides soothingly. Isaak hummed approvingly as Jax relaxed under his touch. By the time he deemed the fragile muscle ready the blond was trembling and sweating. 

“Hm?” Jax was pink-faced and hard as a rock. Why on earth was he stopping?

“Patience, boy,” Isaak chastised him with a gentle smack on his ass. 

Jax paled a little when Isaak got a white tube from the nightstand. He hadn't even noticed it. Isaak raised a brow, “You are a touch more hesitant than I'm comfortable with, Jackson.” Jax was stunned by the statement. He honestly had not thought a stranger in a bar would care too much as long as he didn't protest. 

His hesitation and dear-in-the-headlights expression brought another concern to Isaak's mind. “Have you done this before?” He saw the kid on the bed flush. “Not ever?” Jax's reaction told him enough. “Bozhe moi,” he muttered to himself. 

Feeling more exposed and self-conscious than ever, Jax rolled over and sat up. Fucking hell, he was a grown man. Why was he acting like such a tween about this? “I'll go,” he said quietly. He got it, he really did. Fucking virgins was more hassle than it was worth usually in his experience. Unless you had a particular kink for shiny and new orifices, it was a task left for patient boyfriends, not one night stands. 

“Sit your pretty idiotic arse down,” Isaak ordered. “Where you going to tell me?” Jax silence spoke loudly enough. Isaak shook his head, “It is something I needed to know, unless you came here to punish yourself? In which case, I will not be your instrument to injure yourself.” 

“That was not -”

“Good. Then you have a few options-” Jax shrank under his glare, but God it turned him on. “You go home to your wife, and forget this ever happened.” Jax paled. How had he known he was married? “You stay the night, and you leave here tomorrow thoroughly fucked. Or you stay, we get some food, watch a film and sleep. Or any combination of the above.”

“Um,” Jax shifted. His ass felt weird. Wet and lose, but warm. “Two and a little bit of three?”

“That a question or an answer,” Isaak asked sternly. 

“Answer,” Jax replied, feeling a little scolded. 

#

Jax was kneeling on the bed, thighs spread wide, back arching as his chest was pressed to the mattress, his arse high in the air, his tiny pink hole on display. Jax hissed at the burn as the finger of Isaak's big hands reached into him and stroked his insides. He was being gentle, Jax knew that, but nothing could prevent the burn of stretching muscle. He had been given strict instructions not to hold back a single sound, not even a meep, under the treat of a proper spanking and Jax could swear to every deity in existence that the man was not joking. Jax was not up for that sort of play. Wendy liked being spanked, but he had never gotten a taste for the rougher things she was into. He was all about the natural progression of things and it was weird for him to plan and arrange and get shit ready. But perhaps being on the other side of things would change his opinion?

The burn faded and he rested his head on his forearms with a sigh. He moaned gently as Isaak pressed another finger in. He squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled deeply. He was never going to look at big hands the same way ever again. “Ah-” Jax's entire body jerked. He blinked in confusion, his confusion quickly turning to a scowl as Isaak laughed at him, then he did what he had done again, but this time softer. “Oh my god,” he gasped. Trembling he sank into the bed as Isaak massaged that magic spot. 

Jax panted for breath as he immediately felt heat rise in his stomach. A hot flush spread up his back and all his muscled tensed spasmodically. He clenched the sheets and tried to curl up as his release blossomed in his belly. Isaak hadn't even touched his dick. 

Isaak committed the strangled mewl to memory under the filings of sweetest sounds he had ever heard. This boy was a far better choice than he had first anticipated. As Jax was struggling to breathe steadily, Isaak rid himself of his boxers and his shirt. He grabbed the lube and coated himself. Then he put the tip to Jax’s entrance and squeezed. Jax jerked as the cold liquid poured into him. Jax bit his lip nervously, but didn't say anything as he spread is thighs further, tilting his hips up invitingly. If there was one thing he hadn't thought about at all, it was how the feel of a furry chest would feel against his back. He understood why his mom flipped out the one time Clay waxed his chest. 

To his surprise Isaak just dropped a kiss on his asshole. Jax frowned. Isaak felt huge behind him, in every way, never mind that the man had a good four inches on him- height wise. He was pulled backwards by a strong hand. His breath caught in his chest as the hot dick nudged its way between his cheeks. “Breathe, sunshine,” Isaak breathed. And Jax did, he really tried, but the pressure of the fat crown against his small entrance was paralysing. “Jesus,” Isaak breathed as he tried to press inside, but failed. “You’re fucking tiny,” he muttered. Jax peeped slightly as Isaak put his weight behind his hips and pressed insistently until Jax’s virginal entrance gave way. Isaak groaned. Jax gave a small scream. Isaak didn’t make it further than an inch before he pulled back and poured more lube into the now gaping hole. Jax jerked at the cold, but was quickly distracted by Isaak’s penis once more forcing its way into his soft, tender, palatable body. Jax panted rapidly, trying to get his mind to keep up with the sensations his body was feeling as his rear was impaled on the thick manhood of the Russian veteran. The burn brought him crashing down, he was cold and Isaak's warmth made the burn and pressure tolerable. Even so, he shook with effort to let the huge thing into the vulnerable softness of his body. 

As Isaak slid deep into him, Jax's body seized, making him instinctively press himself down on the heavy cock, with no care. He cried out at the incredible pressure in his belly. Isaak gritted his teeth as Jax clenched around him like a vice. He couldn't help but jerk his hips minutely. Jax meeped, feeling jarred by the small movement like a violent thrust. He curled into a ball, letting Isaak pet him patiently. Isaak rubbed his stomach as Jax panted, clearly struggling with is size. He was damp and clammy with sweat and spasming around his cock. 

 

It wasn't until Jax starter fidgeting that Isaak moved again. “You ok?”

“Yeah,” Jax replied, sounding winded. He did indeed feel better. The burn had faded and a low simmer had started in his belly. He hummed in pleasure as Isaak started to rock behind him, stroking past that sweet spot, making him lightheaded and dizzy. “There,” he breathed softly. “More-” he pleaded. 

 

With a soft huff Isaak rolled over him and pulled Jax up to his knees, then he carefully rolled his hips forward, softly nudging his prostate. Jax's knuckles whitened as he gripped the sheets, choking on his own scream.

#

On the other side of the suite, Jurg rolled his eyes. His boss did not make a habit of fucking strangers but when he did, he did so thoroughly, if his screaming partner was anything to judge by. 

# 

Jax's muscles gave in as Isaak fucked him brutally from behind as he held his hair in a tight fist, making his back bow to the perfect angle. Falling down on the bed with all of Isaak's weight on his prostate made his body explode in ecstasy and make his sight go white. Jax screamed, frantic. He couldn't see or hear anything except his heartbeat and Isaak's breath. He couldn't feel anything apart from the shocks of pleasure from the hot rod repeatedly fucking into him. 

Isaak paused as Jax went lax beneath him. Turning him over he found him red faced, but conscious in a fashion that was not entirely unfamiliar to him. 

This boy was indeed full of surprises, Isaak mused as he examined the blown pupils and measured the slowly steadying pulse. He considered stopping but he could tell he had plunged deep into subspace in a matter of minutes, and dropping him so soon could have some nasty consequences. Jax mewed sweetly and tried to pull Isaak closer, but his motor-skills equaled zero and his limbs were liquefied. Still, folding him in half with his legs over one shoulder, Isaak laid his weight down on him, giving him the skin-to-skin contact he was craving as he sank back into the lose warm heat, fucking him shallowly. 

Jax felt high. High as a fucking kite. His head was swimming and his body was floating. It was like the world had floated away, everything except Isaak. He could feel every hair on Isaak’s chest, the heat of him was intense, his scent surrounding him. He felt electrocuted every time Isaak's hips crashed with his ass. His body would not obey the simplest of commands. Dizzy, his body rocking he bit Isaak’s shoulder, trying to steady himself. 

 

Isaak pressed his palm against on Jax's belly feeling his pistoning cock underneath his palm, making the younger man shout as his sensitive spots were trapped between a firm palm and a rock hard dick moving at a brutal pace inside him. Jax laid himself bare as he felt Isaak's rhythm stutter. A final thrust that pushed him up the bed, scalding heat poured into him, flooding his channel and filling his gut. A purring keening sound escaped him and with a weak tremble he crumbled, too weak and buzzing with pleasure to resist the hot pressure of Isaak's body on top of him, even as his heavy weight pressed his manhood deeper into Jax’s body than was comfortable, he merely shivered and enjoyed the warmth. 

 

#


	3. 1.3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 3 Summary: The morning after can go both ways. Sometimes it goes both ways.

#

Jax woke to the sun shining in the window the next day. The very first thing he noticed was how warm he was. He was in a cocoon of lovely warmth made of soft bed sheets and a hot male body plastered against his back, a heavy and strong arm draped over his waist, holding his hand. It took him a second to notice that his pillow was also an arm and that his other hand was loosely curled in the other warm palm. 

But despite the homely comfort, the next thing he noticed was that he was incredibly sore. All over. 

His throat was sore from shouting. 

His thighs and his hips were sore from being wrapped around Isaak in various challenging positions he could vaguely remember from his initial first orgasm. 

Jeezus, first orgasm. His cock was sensitive, for obvious reasons. His bum ached. He grimaced as he clenched testily, finding his anal muscles unwilling to readily obey without making him bite back a whimper. 

His stomach was tender, oddly enough just left of his belly button. He felt like he was waking from an incredible hangover- minus the alcohol. The arm around his waist tightened and pulled him back against his bed-mate, and his morning excitement. 

Jax let out another small sound as arousal zinged through his belly. He eyed the lube on the nightstand. Slowly he stretched to reach it. Grinning victoriously as he caught it, he squeezed out some and parting his thighs slightly, he covered his entrance. The move got a reaction from Isaak, but it wasn't enough to wake him. 

His belly heavy with anticipation he wiggled back. A moan escaped him when the firm crown pressed against his tender entrance. 

 

#

 

Isaak woke when Jax stretched for the lube. When he wiggled back against him, trying to impale himself, Isaak gave up his pretense to be asleep and speared his new bedpartner deeply. 

Jax cried out, the pleasure and the pain of the sudden penetration of his tender body knocking all sense from his mind. 

While the night before had been all flying high, their mating in the late morning sun was unhurried and gentle. 

In a show of initiative, Jax intertwined their hands, pulling Isaak's arms around him as they rocked together. Isaak felt butterfly-like flutters around his cock and tank his teeth into the fleshy muscle at the back of Jax's neck, knowing that the light flutter would soon be - yes, heavy clenches as he convulsed in pleasure. 

Isaak groaned in satisfaction as he let himself be pulled over the edge, pouring into the tight warm body he was seriously considering of keeping for a while.

 

#

 

The second time Jax woke it was a different experience. 

He was freezing and alone. By every beat of his heart he felt panic rise in his chest. 

Unexplainable, unreasonable panic. 

He felt sick. He tried to get up and go to the bathroom, but his body wouldn't obey him and sent him crashing to the floor. Isaak must have been alerted by the noise as he came rushing into the room. Jax gagged, trying not to throw up. With an ease no one should have carrying a grown man, Isaak picked him up and carried him to the bathroom. Gently he set him down by the toilet. Not a second too soon as Jax emptied his gut. He clung to the porcelain bowl, gasping. Isaak just held his hair away from his face and stroked his back. 

His head was thumping and his heart was hammering in his chest. It felt like hangover of the ages. “Is this normal?” he asked breathlessly. 

“Yes...” Isaak sighed. “And no.”

“Helpful,” Jax bit sarcastically. 

Isaak sighed in agreement. It was not very helpful. “I will explain, sunshine.” He got up and twisted the taps, filling the tub. “You must be freezing?”

Jax nodded. He felt slightly better with an empty stomach, and somehow Isaak's presence calmed his panic attack to a tolerable level. Hanging his own robe on the door he stepped into the hot water and supported Jax on his unsteady feet. “This is unnaturally huge,” Jax muttered. But god the warm water was awesome. 

Isaak smiled, “Indeed, but sometimes arguments can be made for the unnatural advantages of life. Come,” he pulled Jax to lay between his legs, against his chest. 

Jax settled, oddly comfortable. Well, why shouldn't he be comfortable? The guy had fucked his brains out last night. Been his first, stuck his tongue up his ass, kissed him. Sharing a bath hardly seemed intimate in comparison. Except it kinda was. And it was weird. “So? Yes and no?”

Isaak hummed, “I don't know if panic attacks are common occurrence for you -”

“They're not.”

“- but they are not common after sex in general, as I'm sure you know. Sex with men is no different.”

“Plenty different,” Jax muttered. “So how is it normal?”

“Last night, did you feel high? Dizzy? Tunnelvision?”

Jax frowned, “Yeah, you kinda fucked my brains out...” he flushed remembering how he had whined and pleaded. God, he was pathetic. 

“In a more extreme sense than you have experienced before?”

“Yeah. Intense experience. Are you fishing for compliments?”

“Hardly. Classless.” Isaak snorted. “You fell into something called Subspace. Have you heard of it before?”

Jax nodded, “Yeah, its like...” It was why Wendy had started doing drugs. She said nothing but meth could replicate the effects of Subspace. “Is it a drug?” He asked, slightly alarmed. Has Isaak drugged him?

“No. It is entirely produced by your own body: a cocktail of hormones and chemicals, endorphins, adrenaline that are released in response to your reaction to different sensation. Subspace is when you reach an overload. If you were to take the equivalent in traditional drug you would overdose. It can be quite dangerous, because it removes your ability to sense pain: any touch just brings you higher. But the lack of contact can send you crashing- a subdrop. So I must apologise for leaving you while you were sleeping.”

“Hm,” Jax's head was working at full speed, as full speed as it could with the headache he was suffering. “But we didn't... do any stuff...” he trailed off.

“That would be the unusual part. It usually takes years of training for someone to be able to reach Subspace, and to my knowledge, rarely, if ever with a new partner. And even with a long term partner, it takes... extensive scenes to achieve...” Isaak tightened his arms around the smaller blond. “I cannot help but feel proud of you.”

And damn if Jax wasn't heated to the core at those words. 

 

#

 

Jax was not quite sure if he was comfortable or not. He had texted Wendy and told her he needed to sober up before driving back, which bought him some time. Isaak had food delivered up, and not taken no for an answer when he said he wasn't hungry. 

When it was time to leave, sitting across his bike, he found that he was still not ready. He sighed and fished his keys out of his pocket. He looked sheepishly at Isaak.

Isaak found he felt the same way. Making a split decision he jogged across the road. “Here,” he said and handed Jax his card, “Call me when you get home, so I at least know you didn't crash on the way.”

Jax looked at the card. Eyes squinting in the evening sun. “That all this card is for?”

Isaak smiled. “If you call me... I'll have you number. I can let you know when I'm in the country again. If your wife wont mind me stealing you away,” 

Jax smiled, “I don't think she'll mind.”

When he crossed the city border to Charming, he felt a lot lighter than he had in a long time.

 

#


	4. 1.4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 4 Summary: Jax comes home to more news than he expected.

#

When Jax rode up in front of his house he cursed under his breath when he saw his mother’s car parked in his driveway. He sighed. Resigned to his fate of being hung, drawn and quartered by his mother and his wife for his impromptu road trip. 

By the glare his mother gave him as she came out, he had been correct that she was pissed. “Where the fuck have you been?” she scowled.

“Needed a day off,” he said and dropped his kutte on the kitchen chair. 

Gemma huffed, “You can’t just disappear like that.”

“I didn’t disappear. I told Wendy I was gonna be gone overnight,” he said. He frowned as he heard retching noises from down the hall. “She hung over?”

“No,” Gemma set his glass down, “While you were off fucking some hussy -” Jax was about to protest, but his mother cut him off, “Don’t deny it, I can read you like an open book, including the look on you face when you’ve gotten laid.” Jax snapped his mouth shut. “While you were getting laid, Wendy found out she’s pregnant.”

Jax blinked, surprised. “Is it mine?” 

Gemma raised a brow at him, “Wendy isn’t the tramp in this marriage.” 

Jax sighed. That answered that question he supposed. 

 

#

 

Jax sat curled in the corner of the couch, watching Wendy. 

Pregnant. 

Seriously?

He still couldn’t wrap his mind around it. 

She was now two days clean once again. She was crying. Neither of them had wanted kids. He guessed Wendy changed her mind when it became real, and no longer hypothetical. Wendy wanted to keep it. Jax hadn’t changed his mind, but it wasn’t his uterus. He put his dick there, fully knowing the possible consequences. He supposed that was that. It was their baby. His kid.

Gemma would murder them both. 

He was trying to think about his wife and his kid, but his brain wouldn’t stray from Isaak fucking Sirko. 

Wendy was into some kinky shit, he knew that. He knew she went elsewhere to state that need. She was into the kinky shit that Isaak was into. 

And… Jax supposed… that he was into. His skin was crawling with need. When he closed his eyes he could feel strong, hot hands holding his waist tightly. Every fiber in his body was- fuck, he was fucking longing for the feeling of being allowed to submit, to be allowed to let go, under the sheer strength of will of… Jax bit his lip. To think, Jax Teller, SOA VP begging for rough treatment from a posh businessman. “I get it...” he said finally, his voice raspy from lack of use. Wendy didn't turn her head, but he knew he had her attention. “Why you use. The Subspace thing…”

Wendy cocked her head, feeling exhausted and defeated. Jax had never expressed an interest in that lifestyle. The few times she had tried to engage him, it was lackluster. In daily life Jax was larger than life, vanilla sex he'd spin your head around, but he did not have it in him to dominate, capital D, Dominate beyond slightly rough sex. But for Jax to understand, he had to have experienced… “Seriously?” Jax could hear the disbelief in her voice. Wendy chuckled, “That explains so much...” Jax's expression told her enough that he didn't have a clue what she was talking about. “We're compatible enough to make vanilla sex great Jax, but if we're both sexually subs, we're not going anywhere together.” Jax flushed and diverted his attention to his hands, twisting his rings. “Did you meet someone? A Domme? What's her name?”

Jax shook his head. “Wendy it wasn't like that -”

“I'm not accusing you of anything Jax,” Wendy cut him off. “- or judging. It’s pretty clear that our marriage is over. We suck at this, but… we were always good friends Jax. You can talk to me. If not me, then who can you talk to?”

Jax nodded, “It wasn't a... scene,” he tasted the unfamiliar word. “When I went to Sacramento, I met a... guy...” Wendy's eyebrows rose in surprise. She had noticed Jax's wandering eyes, but she had never thought he would go for it. “Businessman from Russia, traveling. I figured... if I was ever gonna gather my balls up and try something with a guy, someone from the other side of the planet seemed safe enough.H is name was Isaak. Something just clicked and I was… high. I couldn't even see. I didn't know what was happening, I was just… on another planet.”

“How long did it last?”

“Until I fell asleep at least.”

“Wow.” That was a long flight. 

“Then I crashed... badly. Worst hangover ever.” Wendy snorted. Yeah, that sounded familiar. “But he knew. He knew what was going on. He made me better when I didn't even know what was wrong with me.” 

Wendy smiled sadly. Sounded like Jax had found his Dom. By pure fucking accident. Lucky fucker. “Have you kept in touch?”

Jax shook his head. “I have his number.”

“You should call him, Jax. Finding someone good is rare. Good Doms are not aplenty.”

“But I'm not...” he bit his lip. He had done a great deal of research when he returned and he wasn't comfortable with a lot of what he read. Submission was not his thing. He'd loved laying underneath the man, to be taken care of, but the shit he read about was theatrics and he did not like it, not one bit. “I don't know if I can do that sort of stuff, Wendy. It's not me. That Shades of Grey bullshit is terrifying -”

“Don't think about that. That's not real. What I mean is, you have a connection. A rare incredible connection. Just pick it up and see where it goes. ”

“What about us?”

“Your happiness is more important than this sham of a marriage.”

“You would be okay with that?”

“I just hope I will be that lucky one day, Jax. The only thing I ask is that you don't disappear on me, and leave me with your kid on my own. Let me meet this guy at some point, if he is ever gonna be around our kid. If it comes to that sort of commitment.”

“You are way ahead of schedule here,” Jax felt a little overwhelmed just thinking about it. 

Wendy nodded, “I know. But Jax... we've reached the end of the line for us, don't you think? I love you, truly, but we were never what your mom wanted us to be.”

Jax nodded. “It's still fucked up.”

It was still heartbreaking. 

Wendy nodded. She understood what he was saying, even when he couldn't say the words. That was why they were good together. As friends.

 

#


	5. 1.5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 5 Summary: Will Jax gather up the courage to call Isaak, or will he retreat into the life laid before him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one, but there will be another chapter this week to make up for it :)

#

 

The coming days saw a puzzled Jurg as he paid keen attention to his boss. For as long as he'd known him, which was a long time, Isaak had always had this tension across his shoulders; power ready to strike, he'd always thought. The only time he'd see it release for a short while was immediately after a kill, or when Victor was in the mood for a rough tumble. Not that Jurg paid much attention to Isaak's sex life, but he had noticed a pattern over the years. 

This was different. This was strange. 

The tension that had been present in his shoulders for the past fifteen years had been gone for days. 

Hours was normal. Perhaps even most of a day, but never days. Plural. 

What was going on? 

The man in question was sitting on the couch with a notebook in his hands, once every few minutes making a short note, and sometimes scratching it back out before sighing in frustration and balling it up and tossing it to the floor. 

Frustration.

But there was no tension. 

"Jurg, let's go," Isaac ordered. 

When they walk down the stairs, there is an easy swagger in his steps, even as his lips are tense in… anticipation? 

“Sir, Victor anticipates to be in Kiev by our return.” 

Isaak did not reply, but Jurg could see the tension return across his shoulders. 

 

 

#

Jax sat on the swing out in his mother's yard. God, his life had turned to shit. He wasn't ready to be a father, not by a long shot. 

He was holding Isaak's business card in his hand. It was slightly frayed at the ends from him fiddling with it so much. His hands moved on their own as he dialed the number. He was greeted with a harsh Russian voice. “I'm sorry-” Fuck, this was a bad idea. 

“Who is this?” Isaak asked in English. 

“I'm sorry for calling. I shouldn't-”

“Jackson?” Jax paused as Isaak's tone changed. “Is that you sunshine?”

“Y-yeah,” he cleared his throat. “Hi.”

“So you made it back alive,” Isaak commented dryly. 

“My wife is pregnant.” Fuck. His mouth. Why did he say that?

It was quiet on the other end of the line for a few seconds until Isaak replied, his voice sounding suspiciously casual. “Congratulations. You must be very happy.”

“We're divorcing.” Jax blurted out again. “Fuck, my mouth,” he said out loud this time. “She told me to get my head out of my ass and call you already.”

Another pause. 

“One would think a wife would be angry.”

Jax huffed. A normal wife would be. “She was happy for me...” Too much. Too fucking presumptuous. What if Isaak didn't want to see him again? “That I finally... she said two subs don't make for a long lasting marriage,” he mumbled. 

Isaak chuckled, amused. “You wife is correct, mostly.”

“Are you coming back?”

“Next month, I believe.” 

“I don't...” Jax searched for words. “I haven't done this before. Not like... in any way.”

“I know sunshine.”

“I didn't like what I read online... I don't -” he rambled. 

“Jackson,” Isaak spoke softly. “Do not put too much stock in what you read online. If you want to try, we do it our way. If you do not want to venture any further into that world, I will never ask it of you. Your company is all I wish for.” 

And Jax was floored. How did this guy keep doing this to him? 

“Where will you be staying?”

“Same hotel, same rooms.”

Jax felt butterflies in his stomach, “Call me when you're here. I’m a six hour drive away.”

“I will, sunshine.”

“Jax-” Jax turned to see Gemma by the terrace door. “Dinner is ready.”

“Be there in a sec mom',” Jax called back. 

“Whatever piece of tail that got you blushing on the phone there can wait, my potroast can't.”

“A sec, I said,” he yelled back. His mother just rolled his eyes. 

“She sounds like a wonderful woman,” Isaak said. 

“She is. I'll see you. But if I don't get inside now my mom will kill me and you'll never get your hands on my ass again,” he snipped saucily. 

Isaak chuckled heartily. “By all means, love.” 

Isaak had hung up, but Jax's heart was racing. 

#

Isaak tapped his fingers again his desk, deep in thought. He looked up as someone cleared their throat. “Yes?”

“Everything is going after schedule. Here is a list of names to consider.” 

Isaak waved it away. “Lux,” he said. “Fiat Lux… Let There Be Light,” Isaak gave a short nod to himself. “It shall be Lux. L-U-X.” In honour of his sunshine. Lux would be his biggest and most exclusive club in the Americas to date. It would be on par with their Moscow clubs. Nothing but the best for Los Angeles. 

“Good name, sir. Your penthouse should be ready a week before the opening.” 

Isaak frowned, “I thought the penthouse was scheduled to be finished the following month?” 

“For your convenience, sir, we made it a priority. To give you the option of lesser travel time, should you wish. It is, of course, fully equipped for company.” 

Isaak nodded, “Good. I may just take advantage of your foresight and your efforts.” 

The man beamed with pride. Getting the penthouse done in time had been costly, but the acknowledgment of a job well done from the Boss of the Koshka Brotherhood was well worth it. Rolling with the mafia, favour was the only currency that could get you ahead. 

#


	6. 1.6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 6 Summary: Jax and Isaak gently explore the boundaries or their new arrangement. 
> 
> Please read the note at the end.

#

 

“Do I get to keep you for a few days?” Isaak asked.

Jax swallowed and nodded, “I’ve got the weekend,” he replied. It was obvious to Isaak that he was nervous. Very nervous, but that was acceptable, considering the circumstances. 

“I have a few obligations to fulfill. Amongst them, an event. The next time I am here, I am opening a new establishment in Los Angeles. I am obligated to… rub some shoulders in the running up to the official opening. A small gathering of sorts.”

“Oh,” Jax tried to hide his disappointment. 

“I would like for you to attend with me.” Isaak continued, “My tailor will be arriving shortly for your measurements. Does that sound amendable?” 

“You’re buying me clothes?” Jax asked. “Do I get a say in that?” 

Isaak paused, “You always have a say, sunshine. Though I ask that you allow me to spoil you how I see fit.” He smiled, “But we have a bit to talk about before he arrives, no?” He gestured for Jax to sit, “You are new to this, I know. I am not. You said you did not much like what you had read, which I understand. This is how we will proceed. You have absolute control. This arrangement is based in its entirety upon your consent and enjoyment.” 

“And your enjoyment?” Jax asked. 

“My needs are different from yours. In many ways, the exact opposite. As a Dom, I want to take care of you, care for you. This often manifests in a need to spoil, to dress you, feed you, give you what you need to rest and be at ease. I will teach you all the pleasures your body can experience, be they brought through by tenderness or pain.”

“And what do I do?” 

“You guide me, and teach me in all there is to know about you. I will do my utmost to fulfill your every need and in return you give me your trust and obedience.” 

“The obedience part…” Jax said doubtfully. 

“We will employ the use of a safe word, and you may ask all the questions you need.”

“And the kinky shit? Like whipping and…?”

“All in due time, when you are ready, little one. And then, with due knowledge before hand and a thorough run through and discussion before we start.”

Jax inhaled deeply, “Okay…” 

“We will commence upon a trial period. After which we decide if you wish to continue. At that point we will draw up a full contract. Now, we sign one for our trial period. I’ll leave you to read through it. I’ll be back in a bit. We can make amendments, if you wish…” 

“If I don’t like it?” 

“Then we don’t. Simple as,” Isaak bent down and tipped Jax’s chin up and kissed him, “Although in that case I would like to express my desire to court you and fuck your brains out anyway.” 

 

Isaak kissed him lightly once more and retreated to his office. Jax picked up the leather folder on the table and started reading through it. Flicking through the pages he felt both reassured a nervous. Isaak really had given this a lot of thought. 

 

# 

Jax didn't know what to say when Isaak opened the door. He was grateful that Isaak didn't speak other than asking for his list. 

"No permanent marks, no marks in visible places... that's a very short no-go list," Isaak said. Isaak nodded to himself, "that is fine," he said and put it down, "We will work it out as we go along." 

Jax stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, really not knowing what to do. He was so far out of his element, he was frozen. All the stress and troubles weren't roaring like they usually were, they were whimpering, and cowering, baring their bellies to the overwhelming presence of the other man. 

How had he not noticed that before?

"Take off your jacket and sit down," he said and gestured to the chair. 

When Jax sat down he felt warm, strong hands on his shoulders. "Relax." Isaak's voice was firm, determined. In control. Telling him to relax wasn't a coaxing prod, it was an order. The hands slid down to take off his hoodie, and then undo the buttons of his shirt. 

"We will be doing a light scene today. The most important thing is that you trust me. I want continuous feedback. Tonight is about establishing boundaries." 

Jax inhaled sharply as darkness fell over his eyes. The soft fabric was tied firmly, but not too tight at the back of his head.

"In any instance, I expect you to try. You are allowed to fail to succeed, you are not allowed to fail to try. I will push your limits, but I will not break them. If you are overwhelmed, tell me. If you are uncomfortable, tell me. If you need a break, tell me. If you need more, tell me. I will never punish you for telling me what you need. You will have a safe-word. Don't use it lightly. Should you use it, the scene will stop immediately... but so will our arrangement. Do you understand?" 

"Yes." 

"'Yes, Isaak', or 'yes, sir'"

"Yes... sir," Jax was hesitant as he tasted the word. It was unfamiliar on his tongue, strange, but not entirely unpleasant. 

"Aside from the safe-word, you will have three commands, 'stop', 'pause' and 'continue', the phrases used will be 'red', 'yellow' and 'green', like a traffic light." 

"Yes, Isaak."

Isaak smiled, liking the was the elegant accent pulled out his name. "We will sit down and add amendments to the contract once limits are more defined. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," Jax replied softly. 

"Good." 

Isaak continued to undress him. He undid his buttons and pulled off the shirt. Nimble fingers undid his belt and pulled it off, but left his trousers fastened. "Arms up," Jax obeyed and let Isaak pull his t-shirt over his head. 

Isaak let Jax's arm rest on his own as he slowly let him towards the bedroom. 

Jax stood still as Isaak explored his body. His fingers tracing every birthmark- there weren't many, and every scar- there were a few too many. "I expect you to tell me about all of these," Isaak said. 

"As much as I remember," Jax replied. 

He stiffened slightly as hands rested on his hips. Isaak stood pressed against his back as he undid the buttons of his trousers. 

Isaak enjoyed the sight of the gently tanned skin as it was revealed to him. Jax was entering the prime of his youth. The slight softness of his age made the hard planes of the masculine body more welcoming. 

Seeing him crawl, prowl, over the bed and hesitantly laying down in his arms was... satisfying on it's own. 

He made Jax tell him about every single one of his scars, and all of his tattoos some briefly and some in detail. Wrapping his arms tightly around him, restraining him, only moving to touch another bit of pale raised skin. 

Isaak was only too aware that their previous 'session' had been a fluke. But if it wasn't then that was worrying. He wasn't sure if it was the absence of authority, or his previous partners inability- unwillingness perhaps, to do what needed to be done that had put the younger man in such a dangerous state. Either way, it needed to be taken care of. 

Listening to the stream of words from Jax's lips settled him. He could hear him wavering on the edge, his voice deepening in unconscious satisfaction the more firmly he was restrained. 

Eventually his words became ineligible and Isaak loosened his grip. 

 

#

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,   
> READ PLS!! - it's not bad news!  
> This story is going to have several parts, but I figured it might be better to beep it "in one" so to speak, because I know that I personally find reading series to be a bit of a hassle. Or what do you guys think? Part 1 will have about 15 chapters. Part 2 & 3 relatively short in comparison, Part 4 is currently on 12 chapters with no end in sight. 
> 
> It comes down to you preference, if you like to just keep on going, or if you like some separation (other than a new heading) between the parts.   
>  So, all-in-one or series? Twitter amad please :)


	7. 1.7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 7 Summary: Isaak introduces his new sub to new things.

#

When Jax woke, his breath caught as a door opened. Quiet, but confident steps approached him. He sensed Isaak more than he heard him walk around him and then finally stop behind him. He heard him move, but was still a little startled when warm and heavy hands rested on the small of his back. 

He didn't say anything, and just ran his hands down Jax's legs, feeling the firm muscle, and the gentle trembles. Jax shivered as the hands applied a gentle pressure to his lower calves and he found himself pushing into his touch.

"Hmm," Isaak hummed. It seemed Jax was not trusting by nature, judging by his tense muscles, but seemed inclined to trust him. "Good," he said. 

Jax shivered at the deep and smooth voice. God,even when he couldn’t see him, he sounded so strong. His lips parted in disappointment as the warm presence left, leaving his back cold. A warm hand took his own and laid it over a strong arm. 

"Come with me." 

Jax rose carefully and followed the gentle command. His first steps were careful, but Isaak was patient. His steps gained confidence as he realised that the his arm was steady as a rock and was prepared to give him the time he needed. They walked for what seemed like ages until they stopped.

Jax's breath hitched as he heard the door click shut and lock behind him. He couldn't see a damn thing and his sense of direction was a mess. He felt a little disoriented, almost bordering on dizzy as he had nothing to fasten his gaze on. 

The man unhooked Jax from his arm, but did not let go of his hand. He slipped his hand up his arm, and rested it on his shoulder. "Kneel," he ordered, his voice calm and soft. 

With only a fraction of hesitation Jax did as he was told and felt his focus shift back into place and his dizziness disappear. 

"Feeling better?" 

Jax swallowed and nodded. Strangely, he did fee better, more grounded. 

"You will always reply verbally when I ask you a question. Now, are you feeling better?"

Jax startled at the correction, feeling nervous, "Yes, sir." 

"Good. You will remain blind folded tonight," he told him simply. Isaak admired the way the young man sat kneeling. His feet were tucked neatly under his bum, his back straight, head bowed respectfully, and his hands placed neatly in clear view, resting on his thighs. A perfect kneel. "For future reference; if you are feeling unwell I expect you to notify me. If you are ill or injured, I expect to be notified upon arrival. If you are feeling discomfort or excessive pain, I expect to be notified. If you are nervous or even scared I expect to be notified. If you have any questions or requests; ask. How are you feeling?"

Jax swallowed, "I'm nervous, sir." 

"Do you have any injuries?"

"A healing cut on my left arm, sir, and some bruises, sir." 

"Good. Now raise your arms above your head." 

Not being able to see was really getting to Jax. He raised his arms slowly and felt warms hands at his hips taking a hold of the black sweater and pulling it gently above his head. 

"Rise." 

Jax balanced his weight carefully not to have to support himself on the man in front of him. Warm knuckles brushed his belly, making him tense. 

Isaak couldn't quite believe it. He studied Jax's face as he undid the drawstring. Jax was doing so well. He could hardly believe his luck at being this precious young man’s first dom.

BDSM had been a pass-time for him for a long time. While he had wished to enter the life full-time, Victor had no taste for it whatsoever, and Isaak respected that. Any Sub he’d had since meeting Victor had been short term. He was great at what he did, but it became rather boring after a while. People were so predictable in their likes and dislikes, their pain limits so weak. Their minds were so weak. And no time to grow stronger. 

But now he had this chance standing naked before him. And it really looked like the boy needed to take better care of himself. He had a golden opportunity here, and he needed to do it right. He had not really bothered before, and the men and women quivered at his mere touch and begged and pleaded of him to touch them. But it was going to be different with Jax. He was going to make the young man rely on him. To love him and to trust him. Victor… oh Victor would just have to deal. 

Jax felt a hand run through his hair, grabbing it gently at his neck. "Beautiful" Isaak commented, "Let it grow and make sure to use conditioner. I will take you shopping for some things for your liking." 

"Yes, sir." Jax replied. 

“Come,” Isaak turned the lights up. He could tell through his blindfold, and with little effort Isaak lifted him by his waist and put him on what seemed like a softly padded table. Jax placed his hands by his side, feeling self-conscious.

"Lay down on your back." 

Warm hands ran over his skin, from his shoulders to his toes. It didn't feel bad, but he was still nervous. 

"Your skin, is very nice, if a bit dry. I expect you to take better care of yourself in the future." Isaak was quite pleased with what he was presented with. Jax was strong and healthy. Isaak looked forward to seeing him develop further. He was relatively hairless, and what little hair there was, fine and very light, as was the case with most blonds. But Isaak liked a clean work space. "I like a clean work space, and today we will use to get you ready and acquainted...." The most important part of being a Dominant, was teaching their Sub to take proper care of themselves and allow their Dom to take care of them. 

Jax swallowed and frowned, "Wh -what does that mean, sir?" 

"That means, I will take you through your cleansing process. What to do and which products to use," he spoke calmly, "Some of it will integrate in your daily routine and some will be a part of your routine only before our meetings and some will be periodic." He said and spread Jax's legs. He smiled as the mans breath hitched in surprise. "We will go through them, be patient." He grabbed a pair of scissors, "I will trim and wax your treasure trail and pubic area, as well as your armpits. I expect you to maintain this." 

"Y-yes, sir." Jax stammered as the warm hands came dangerously close to his manhood. He expected scissors, but felt the quiet buzz of a trimmer instead, and started to relax slightly. He let Isaak spread his legs, feeling that for now, he knew what was going on. He wetted his lower lip as a lightly scented oil was applied to his skin where Isaak had been cutting. 

He gasped in surprise when the hot wax was applied to his belly, below his belly button and his lower stomach. "Oh hell…" 

Isaak chuckled.

Jax didn't say anything as Isaak continued his work. As he applied the oil and the wax to another spot, he casually placed a hand on his Subs belly, tightening the skin, and ripped the dried wax off in one swift motion. 

"Oh!" Jax gasped. The sting faded quickly as the warm firm hand pressed against his skin. 

"Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" he hummed. 

"No," Jax breathed, "No, sir." 

The rest of the wax went rather quickly, Jax thought, but he couldn’t really be sure as his head was swimming, completely losing track of time. 

"We are almost done," Isaak said quietly. "On your knees." 

Jax mewed unhappily at having to move, but did as he was told. His face flushed with embarrassment at the revealing position. Jax tensed visibly as the Isaak spread the slippery oil along his crack and on his cheeks. 

"Relax," he was told, "And spread your legs a little - rest your head on your arms." 

The younger man shivered as the hot wax dribbled onto his skin; onto his entrance and his balls. His breath shook as he felt it slowly stiffen. He felt the now almost familiar warm hands on the small of his back - he exhaled sharply as the cool wax disappeared from his skin, taking the scarce hair with it. As before, the warm hand pressed against the now sore skin. The contact made his belly flip. 

Jax relaxed as Isaak worked,tensing only minutely, but finding the mild sting lightly arousing. Surprisingly, his intimate areas hurt less than his stomach, but it still left him sore.

"Lay down on your side, facing away from me," Jax obeyed and closed his eyes, taking a moment to enjoy the simple pleasure of tucking his legs together, and the gentle hands stroking him. One of those warm hands shifted his upper leg to lay closer to his chest. He heard the opening and closing of a cap, then the same hand parting his cheeks. He blinked rapidly against the blindfold. His entire body tightened up as the slick fingertips rested against his entrance, his hand holding on to the edge of the table he was on. 

But the fingertips just rested there. The other hands stroked his belly gently, slowly making him relax. Jax blinked in surprise as Isaak put his hand on top of his, entwining their fingers. With a shuddered breath, Jax let go of the tension. 

Isaak smiled and gently pressed one fingertip past the tight muscle, into the silky heat of the young man's body. Jax bit his lip, his brow furrowed at the unfamiliar feeling. A small whimper escaped him as the single digit moved slowly. God, if he hadn't known it was just one finger… it felt so big. 

Isaak felt oddly calm with Jax underneath his hands. Feeling the silky heat rapidly clenching and relaxing around his finger made him want to bury his dick there, and stay there. He smiled to himself. It had been a long time since he had experienced even the mildest domspace. 

Jax gasped as a jolt shot though him. "Mh," he bit his lip as another slipped in and pressed deeper. It burned, but they pressed against a spot that felt incredible. 

Isaak grinned as he gently tapped and rubbed the hardened nub, watching the supple body arch and twist. A bead of sweat appeared on the crook of his neck. Isaak bent down and lapped up the tiny salty drop. 

Jax was panting and trying to keep his body under control. But every time Isaak moved in him his nerves burned. He made an unhappy sound as he pulled back, caressing the area around the sweet spot, but as a pleasant sensation, rather than the shocking pleasure spread, he calmed down. 

He frowned as the fingers slipped from him, feeling a tad bit sore, and a thick dildo. It was smaller, slimmer and smoother than Isaak himself, so Jax just relaxed. Isaak let go of his hand and rested in on his belly again and applied a gentle pressure. 

Isaak flipped the switch, and he could tell his Sub could feel the water trickling into him by the heavy breathing, awkward tense of his buttocks and quick hardening of his cock. He kept his hand low on his belly, feeling the pressure build. "Relax your muscles," he instructed.

Jax was struggling to keep up with everything that was happening. The pressure inside him was building. He felt himself harden again from the pressure against his sweet spot. Reflexively he tightened his muscles as a warm hand rubbed his belly firmly. He felt something give low in his stomach, and the warm water flooded deeper. It was uncomfortable, but at the same time it made him so incredibly hard.

"Shhh," he soothed and continued to rub his hardened belly. Jax was shaking as he felt his bowel expand. A slight cramp caught him off guard and his hand flew to his belly, his hand bumping into Isaak’s. For the first time in a very long time, Jax was scared. 

Isaak frowned at how tense Jax was. Deciding it was more than enough for his first time. He flipped the switch again to turn the water off. "I'm going inflate the hose to make it easier for you to keep the water," he instructed. 

Jax gasped as the thick silicome inside him expanded. As it pushed his muschles apart, he dared relax. He felt strong arms lifting him, supporting his head on a solid shoulder.

He realised that not being able to see made him rely so much more on his other senses. But it also made him very aware of that he had no idea how Isaak felt about handling him like he was a child. Isaak stopped and gently sat him down. Holding him by his hips he instructed him to sit down. Shame flared in Jax's chest, making the redness of his cheeks creep down his neck. Sitting down, his stomach heavy and his ass stuffed, was hard. 

Gently Isaak pulled the inflated dido from his trembling body. "Let go," Isaak said in a calm voice. Jax’s stuttered and held onto Isaak tightly. "Jax," he said sternly, "Let go." 

Jax's breath was shaking as he carefully tried to relax enough do what he was told. The words of their contract echoed in his head; it's allowed not to be able to, but it's not allowed not to try. A small sob escaped him as he wasn't able to hold the mass of water. 

Isaak gently ran his hand across his Sub's brow, wiping away the sweat. The young man was shaking with a mixture of relief, fear and exhaustion and was resting his head against Isaak's side, letting the older mans hands run though his damp hair. 

He hadn't ever felt so fragile. His entire body was shaking and he wasn't sure if it was exhaustion of relief. After a few minutes the Dom coaxed him to stand. Warm water flowed over him, washing away the sweat. He was gently toweled off with a soft towel before the Dom picked him back up and placed him back on the table. 

#


	8. 1.8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 8 Summary: On the subject of honesty, Isaak is uncompromising… with other people.

#

The feeling of confusion and disorientation was something Jax could get used to and overcome. The feeling of utter safety, however, he could not. It was too good to be true. It had to end at some point; reveal itself to be an illusion. 

Maybe it was that he was sore all over and exhausted but warm and cozied up. Isaak had scooped him up and laid him on a big bed full of pillows and what he was pretty sure was a fur and was spooning behind him. It was not quite what he'd imagines when people had talked about Scenes and stuff. His Dom was talking softly about the responsibilities of the Dominant and many, many common misconceptions that even some newly trained Doms still held. And the rights of the Submissive. 

Jax laid on his side, his stomach swollen and taut. He wasn’t sure how many times they had gone through the process, but now Jax had a vague memory of of being filled simply for his pleasure. Isaak had used warmer water this time He felt warm and full and safe, but a little sore from the inflatable plug he had gotten to hold the water better. It pressed against his insides in a maddening way.

Isaak had taken off his shirt and lay with his bare chest against Jax's back, one arm serving as a pillow, the hand closing around Jax's lightly curled fist, and the other was laid over his waist, the hand resting on his stomach. Jax enjoyed the warmth radiating from within him as his Dom spoke. He was certain of that his stomach was huge. Feeling it, it felt swollen and too firm. 

His Dom. Jax smiled, the cotton covering his eyes smooth against his skin. His Dom. Yes, he thought he could live with that, if how he felt now was any indication for how their relationship would be like. 

"- Trust is the very foundation of the relationship we will develop over time," Isaak spoke. "I've been talking for a long time now, and now it's your turn. Why are you here?" 

Jax frowned and tried to move, but was immediately pinned down. "What do you mean?" 

"Most do it for the kink, but many come for something more - for other reasons than sexual ones; the sex is just a bonus, or a means to an end...." 

Jax shrugged, "I thought it would be a good time - ah…" he gasped as his Dom's arm he had been laying on suddenly tensed, and the one on his swollen stomach was holding him firmly. 

"Do not lie to me," the Isaak whispered. Jax couldn’t determine if he was sad or angry,

Jax paused for a moment. "I..." he swallowed, "I'm tired," he replied. He had thought it though before he came; why he was doing it. He was nothing if not honest with himself. "I'm tired of making all the decisions." 

"You've come here to find a sanctuary," Isaak said, tasting a word he did not get to say very often. "Someone you can trust enough to hand the reins over for a while." 

"I just need a break," Jax whispered, his voice breaking, "I just need to breathe...." 

It took a few seconds before the Isaak realised Jax was crying. A strange feeling welled in his chest. Not knowing what else to do, he just held the youth, and let him cry.

#

When Jax woke up the next morning, he felt amazing. His muscles were slightly sore, but in a good way, and his body was humming. Isaak hadn't come to wake him yet, so he burrowed back into the warm covers and moaned. With cat-like grace he stretched, the silk twisting around his body... and a small glass toy twisted inside his body. 

Jax jerked in surprise as the toy touched his sweet spot. Instantly he felt his cheeks burn and his lips swell in arousal. The night before he had showered with his Dom and then been lathered in an oil that smelled like chocolate. Then his Dom had simply hooked his leg over his waist, forcing him to hold on, and slid the slippery toy in place. 

He was sore and he was sure his entrance would look red and swollen from the unusual [ab]uses, but he was not allowed to take it out. Of course, his Dom would never know if he did, but for some reason Jax felt compelled to obey him. Gingerly he touched the sore entrance, finding it slick, and a firm glass hook along his crease keeping the toy from disappearing places it shouldn't go. 

“Good morning, my sweet sunshine,” Isaak rumbled from the doorway. “Time to rise. The tailor is here for you.” Isaak ran his hand through his hair and smiled. “Shower, then join us. There is underwear for you in the dresser.” Isaak was about to leave when he paused and turned, “You may remove the toy. There is a new one for you on the bathroom sink. Call for me if you need any help, love.”

Jax blushed and nodded. “Isaak?”

“Yes love?” 

“Do I wear these all the time, or?”

Isaak smirked, “Not all the time, dear. I do not want you to get too sore, but I do want you aroused.”

 

#

 

When the tailor returned with his suit for the second fitting, Jax had to admit he had never felt anything fit so well. “Thank you,” he said. 

Isaak smiled, “I have something else for you.” He said and found a flat box. “Where we are going, many of the people present are well familiar and involved in this lifestyle. Some are likely to ask what you are to me. I’d like you to answer honestly.”

Jax nodded, “Okay…” 

“This is a token of my appreciation of your efforts and the trust you bestow upon me. It is also a statement of intent: should you allow, nothing would please me more than to gift you my collar.” 

“Oh,” Jax blinked. This had turned real serious, real fast. From what he had read, collaring a sub was a close to marriage as you could get without actually putting a ring on it. It was both scary and comforting to know that Isaak was invested in him, and was not intent on wasting his time. 

“I’m not particularly fond of traditional collars, so I had once special made for you,” he opened the box. Jax cocked his head. It was a rather distinct piece. Definitely rather feminine, but it showed a great deal of strength in its design. It was a solid silver loop with a gap at the front, made to drape around his neck. Distinct, a statement piece discreet enough to be worn with everything. 

He closed his eyes, feeling Isaak’s warm hands around his neck as he gently bent the metal to lie around his neck. Jax knew it would be hard to get off without bending the silver once more. But as the cool collar soaked up the warmth form his skin, an odd feeling settled within him.

He didn’t want to take it off. 

 

#

 

#

 

Clay leaned against the kitchen counter, watching his wife put the clean dishes pack in the cupboards. “You got any idea where Jax is going on these trips of his?”

Gemma shook her head, “Nah. I asked. He wasn't forthcoming. Got something to do with a lady-friend though. Classy girl.”

“He tell you that?”

“She got my boy acting all nice and proper. Taking time away from the club. If she fit in here, he'd bring her.”

Clay nodded, “It could be heading down a dangerous road.”

“I'll talk to him, Clay.”

“Next time he goes, I'll send someone to see where he end up, who he's with. Just in case whoever he's sticking it to ain't got his best interest at heart.”

Gemma nodded, “It's never good when he gets pulled away like this.”

 

#

“Clay,” Happy greeted him as he came into the bar, “What's up. It sounded important.”

“Let's talk in church. It's kinda personal. Just me wanting to get ahead of things.”

“Ok.” Happy sat down. 

“It's about Jax. He's been going on these trips. He's forthcoming on when he leaves, when he comes back, but keeps mum about who he's seeing. I'm worries about the kid. Mom thinks it’s a broad.”

“I don't see how this could be a problem. Jax is separated. Does it create trouble for the club?”

“This broad is pulling Jax out of the club, keeps him away for days, sometimes a whole week. Bitch has a hold on him. I just wanna make sure that hold is actually on his dick and not something else. And all this trouble with Wendy, Jax is looking for steady ground.”

Happy nodded, “I'll find out, Prez. No worries.”

 

#

 

Gemma paused as Jax passed her. “New bling?” she asked. 

Jax glanced up from the engine he was working on. “Uh?”

“Silver around your neck,” Gemma gestured to his chest. “New. Looks expensive.”

“Um,” Jax pulled his the collar of his shirt up. He hadn't even noticed it lipped aside. “It's not…”

Gemma cocked her head as a pale flush spread across her sons cheeks. “Bullshit, kid. I can tell the real shit from the cheap crap. A gift.” A smile spread on her face. “Got something to do with your disappearing acts?”

Jax scowled, “They're not disappearing acts. I tell you when I'm leaving and when I'll be back.” He stuck his head back under the hood. 

“This rich girl know you got a baby on the way?” 

“Leave it alone mom,” Jax growled. 

“I'm not butting in Jax. Just from a place of love; whoever you're getting mixed up with, they gotta know you don't come without strings. Strong stings, Jax.”

“Noted. Can we never talk about this again. I need to finish this car before the run this evening.”

Gemma shook her head fondly. Her son was such a spitfire. She just hoped he wasn't breeding another offspring on his walkabouts. He was gonna have his hands full with just the one Wendy was handing him. 

Never mind dealing with Wendy. She sighed. She had thought the two of them would be good for each other. Wendy was a good kid, bright enough to do well by Jax, not bright enough to really cause any trouble. Still, she wondered what had caused them to split in the first place? She supposed she would never truly know. 

 

#


	9. 1.9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 10 Summary: Happy abides Clay’s orders, and follows Jax. He learns far more than he thought he would.

#

 

Jax trembled with nerves. A shaking hand on Isaak’s chest he raised himself up and felt Isaak position his fat crown at his opening. “Take your time,” Isaak soothed gently. Jax pushed back, sitting down a little. He tensed and cried out, his body burning from being forced open. He slid down a little, feeling so full, but he knew he barely had the tip within himself. His nipples peaked and the hair rose on his arms as he tried to push down further. 

Isaak enjoyed watching Jax struggle on his cock as much as he loved feeling him wiggle and clench around him. Jax tensed as pain flushed through his gut. “I - I don’t think I can take anymore,” he whimpered. 

“Yes you can,” Isaak sat up and supported Jax to take the strain out of his thighs. “Lean a little to your right,” he instructed. “Hold on,” he murmured. 

Jax held on tightly, tired. His rim was sore from the stretch and he was getting cold. “I can’t” he whispered, “There is no more room -” he whined as Isaak pressed deeper. Gently, Isaak fucked into him, pushing into the tight muscle denying him entrance into the deepest heat of Jax body. He could feel the inner sphincter give a little as the tip of his cock pressed against it. Isaak sighed as it finally gave up and let him in. Heat rushed over his cock and Jax’s insides rippled around him. 

Jax bit and scratched weakly. He felt something in him give and then Isaak pressing into the front of his stomach. It was both amazing and terrible. He couldn’t stop crying or whimpering, frantic. “Shhh,” Isaak soothed him, “I’ve got you.” Gently he moved back and forth, the momentum making Jax rock in his lap. 

Jax couldn’t deal with the deep movement. It felt so good, but it was… it wasn’t his ass getting fucked. It rolled deep in his gut.

His eyes rolled back into his scull as he shoved his pelvis back and forth. Heat crept up his back. He moved frantically and soon enough, too soon, he felt his release wash over him. Isaak pulled him down and cradled him against his chest. Jax nuzzled into his neck and mewed as Isaak planted his feet on the bed and fucked into him, chasing his own release. Jax tensed over him, nails digging into Isaak’s shoulders, tightening, pleasure cutting through his sensitive insides as Isaak plowed him. They sank together, shaking as Isaak growled his release. He jerked his hips hard, making Jax whine as the sharp sensation surged through him, a pleasure tad too intense for his sensitive body. 

#

 

“How many clubs do you have?” Jax muttered as he was dragged from one meeting to the next, getting everything in order for the opening the following evening. It would have been easier if he hadn’t been dragged along to be Isaak’s entertainment. His lover had stuffed him full of small beads that were rolling inside of him. And it was driving him crazy. 

“In San Francisco? Three, as you know,” Isaak replied, not taking his eyes off his phone. “No, four.” He looked up, seeing - or more like smelling, a bakery “Snack?” 

Jax raised a brow, “How many in total?” he asked as he followed Isaak into the bakery. Damn, that smelled good! 

“In the US…” Isaak cocked his head, considering, “Eight. All together, I’m not quite sure. I delegate.” 

Jax raised a brow. “You delegate. Figures.” 

Isaak looked at him teasingly, “If I didn’t delegate, I wouldn’t have time for other things, like you.”

“I’m a thing now?” Jax exclaimed in mock outrage. He paused and bit his lip, flushing as a wave of pleasure rolled over him. Isaak stopped besides him and wrapped an arm around his waist. “I’m so horny,” he whimpered. “I can’t hold it.” 

“Calm, my sweet.” Isaak soothed. 

Jax groaned, “I lost one.” Isaak, under the pretense of lewdly squeezing his ass, and kissing him deeply, shoved the ball right back in, making Jax tremble and knees go weak. “I’m all wet,” Jax whispered, voice raw as he teased his dom. “You fucked me so wet and loose I can’t even hold a bead, you’re dripping from me, Isaak.” 

It only then occurred to Isaak that they hadn’t kissed since they met. Isaak's mind side-tracked for a moment, wondering if he's pulled it to far. 

His brief musing were cut off by arms wrapping around his neck, pulling him closer and deeper into another kiss. Isaak groaned and held Jax tighter, “I’m fucking you in the car.” 

And so he did. 

#

 

Happy watched from afar as Jax, his VP, let another man yank him close, grab his ass and snog him senseless outside a bakery. That was some real tonsil hockey. 

Happy shook his head. The dude looked like a run-of-the-mill business man. He wasn’t gonna be a threat to the club. Jax’s business was his own. But it sure did explain why he didn’t bring his new love interest home to Charming. 

Jesus… Jax looked so happy. He looked so fucking in love, it was just… He was grinning and flushed, positively beaming as the other guy gave him a nuzzle and fed him something of whatever they’d bought. 

Happy was not touching this one with a ten foot pole. He didn’t have the heart to. 

 

#

 

As Jax laid in bed, he studied the options in front of him. He had not expected Isaak to want him to wear a toy at his opening, but apparently he had underestimated how much his lover got off on watching him squirm. 

All of his options had cock rings. That would prevent some awkwardness at least. 

Jax was tired and loose limbed. The deep warm enema filling him, was making him fuzzy headed and sleepy. Isaak had carried him to bed, inflatable plug in place and let him drift in and out of a pleasure haze, with his belly distended. The weight of it pulled him down into warm bed, making even the thought of getting up, showered and dressed difficult. 

Isaak watched Jax from his chair by the window. He didn’t show it, but he was very excited by the choices Jax had. None of them would be easy and would demand Jax’s constant attention. He knew whispers of his blond plaything had spread through his ranks. He was eager to show him off, eager to show his beauty, eager to show his sweetness. What a high it would be to have him at his arm, seeing the light hit his shiny hair, his lips plump and swollen from sucking his cock, flushed with arousal, his hips swaying from the easily recognizable gait of well fucked, spine stiff from whichever toy would fill him, eyes drowsy with afterglow and his skin dewy with sleep and pleasure. 

Oh, it made Isaak harden just thinking about it. 

 

#

“You are indeed quite stunning,” a woman said as she sat down next to him. “People have been talking about you.” Jax shifted under the cold blue eyes. She had a light Russian accent and had long ice-blond hair and equally pale skin. She smirked as a small shiver ran up Jax’ back. “I am Vanya, one of Isaak’s executive assistants.” 

“Nice to meet you,” Jax smiled tensely. The evening had started on an alright note, but he was getting very tired and no one was talking to him anyhow. 

“You are not enjoying yourself?” 

“Not quite my crowd,” he admitted. 

“Ah,” her smile warmed, “Isaak can be an idiot sometimes. You are in the company of many people involved in a similar lifestyle to yourself. There are rules that regulate how one is allowed to approach a submissive, especially if they chose to sit alone for a while.”

Jax raised a brow. 

“Come, let me introduce you to others that you might get along with.” 

#

“He is quite the little thing,” Georg praised. “Where did you find him? Auction? Brothel?” 

“A bar,” Isaak smiled. “Quite the coincident.”

“You like them rebellious?”

“Jackson is very new to this lifestyle. We only have the opportunity to meet a few times a month. He learns quickly, and is very trusting. Disciplining for the sake of style, rather than necessity I believe would be very counterproductive to his progress.”

Georg nodded, “When you put it like that. You’re very fond of him. What does Victor think of him?”

“They have not met.” 

Georg paused, “Isaak, don’t bullshit me.” 

“It never came up,” Isaak shrugged, “And I’m not inclined to bring that complication into Jax’s training.” 

“Jax’s doesn’t know you’re- he doesn’t know he’s the plaything on the side?” Georg chuckled, “Man, that is gonna blow up in your face. That boy looks at you like you hung the stars in the sky.” 

“We have a trial contract. If it becomes a permanent arrangement, I’ll consider your advice,” Isaak snuffed. 

“Whatever you say man, anyone with eyes can see the kid has you by the balls. And is that a collar around his neck? Or are you just buying him expensive shit?

 

#

“Ladies, gents,” Vanya grinned as she dragged Jax with her, “This is Jackson, he belongs to Isaak.” She pushed him to sit down. “Isaak, my dear boss, has been an idiot and not explained to Jackson the etiquette of parties such as these. How about we welcome him, hm.” 

Jax shifted a bit and looked around. He was probably one of the youngest ones - though it was hard to tell with women. Seamlessly the conversation shifted from various European languages to English. 

“How long have you been collared?” A man asked. 

“Uh, I’m not…” 

“No?” 

“We’re doing a trial period…” 

“So you don’t know each other from before?” Jax shook his head. The guy raised a brow, “Boy, I don’t know what Isaak told you, but that thing around your neck, that is a collar - Vanya, check.” 

Vanya gestured for him to turn his back to hi, so she could check the inscription on the silver. “Oh, Jax, this is most definitely a collar.” 

“He said it was to make clear his intent,” Jax said. 

“If so, his intent is very, very clear,” Vanya said.

“You are lucky, Jackson,” an English lady smiled, “Isaak has never collared anyone.” 

“He’s had subs before?” 

“Many. Few fore more than a few months. You are special though. He looks at you like you’re the most precious creature.” 

The conversation tittered on and after a while took a heavy sexual turn. Most of what Jax got out of it was that Isaak was going very carefully and lightly with him. He heard things that made him blush beet red, but also some things he wanted to try. 

“Are you wearing anything?” Jax stuttered at the question from the woman. “I’m wearing a butterfly myself.”

“Chastity lock,” Jax blushed. 

“Ah, I’ve got the harness with inflatable plug.” The guy next to him stretched, and practically purred, “Yours steel or silicone?”

“Steel.” 

“Vibration?” 

“No,” Jax shook his head, “I’m too sensitive right now. Was gonna go for the inflatable as well, but it was too much tonight.” 

“You like the inflatables?” Jax looked up to see Isaak heading towards them. “You like how it fills you, but at the same time, it’s not too hard,” she teased. 

“Jackson,” Isaak rumbled from the step. He’d stopped on the last step into the sitting area, as Doms were not permitted in there. “My dear.” He stretched out his hand. 

Jax got up and slid into Isaak’s arms an mumbled softly, “I’m tired.” 

“I could tell.” He stroked his back. His love was also blushing so hard Isaak had worried he would bust a vein. “Shall we call it a night?” 

Jax nodded against his shoulder, desperate to lie down and sleep. 

#


	10. 1.10

Ch. 11 Summary: Jax realises he’s in love. Victor doesn’t like Isaak’s new pet.

 

After the party, Isaak had taken Jax to the newly furnished penthouse. 

"Little one," Isaak said softly, "On your belly," he stroked the soft skin along Jax's ribs. 

Jax peered up at him, sleepy but aroused. The new penthouse was a new place. The open spaces and glass walls felt foreign and exposing. His eyes flickered to Isaak's manhood and bit his lip. Hot hands rested on his hips, and made a gentle command for him to turn over. Jax slipped over on his belly, a firm pillow resting underneath his hips. 

Isaak's hands slipped form his hips to his bum. Gently his legs here nudged apart he saw Isaak in the reflection of the glass wall, kneeling behind him. God, he had hated having a full glass wall in his bedroom whenever the sun rose, but now, against the black sky, it was a mirror. 

Isaak pulled a little at the chastity lock. Jax huffed as it bumped against his seat bones. Isaak unlocked the padlock hanging from the plug and carefully contracted it back to it smallest size. Jax sighed as it slipped out. 

Jax pressed against him as Isaak draped himself over him. Their hands intertwined as Isaak slipped between his cheeks, head nudging his entrance. Jax held his breath as he felt the spongy head press into him. 

"Breathe," Isaak murmured as he noticed how tense Jax was, "Just breathe and relax." 

Jax exhaled, and immediately felt Isaak slipping past the lax ring of muscle. He felt a stab of pride as his Dom groaned in pleasure. It burned a little, despite how gentle he was. Isaak was just… a lot and he was a little sore. 

Isaak littered a few kisses along the nape of Jax's neck, before he nipped at him and sank his teeth into the soft skin. Jax arched and keened as Isaak tightened his arms around him and pressed deeper, forcing his thighs further apart. 

Jax held on tightly to Isaak's hands like a lifeline as he felt like he was being split open. He bit his lip and closed his eyes. A small whimper escaped him as his muscles strained to accommodate his love. 

Realisation hit him so hart it made his dizzy. Yes. Love. 

Isaak paused, realising that Jax was straining. Not too much, but more than enough. Gently, he pulled out a bit, before he pushed back in, making Jax gasp. His tip only just managed to reach the prostate; again he pressed against him, setting a slow and gentle rhythm. Jax started to relax as the tension faded and he started getting used to the feeling of real flesh moving in him. Gradually, he felt Isaak deepen the movements of their slow rocking. 

Every time he went a little deeper, Jax felt a touch of discomfort deep in his belly. But it was worth it; for every time he stroked past his sweet spot he felt like he was floating. "I-saak -" he moaned and bared his neck. 

Isaak thought his dick might fall off from begins strangled, though it felt damn good. Even as his sphincter muscles had been stretched thoroughly, he was still clenching him too firmly. For weeks he'd wanted this one's silky tight heat wrapped snugly around him. Silkier, tighter and snugger than he had remembered. With a deep breath, he slid in fully. 

Jax yelped as he was suddenly filled to the brim. "Isaak-" he whimpered and tried to wiggle to ease the pressure. 

"Easy," Isaak murmured, doing his best to hold himself back, but it was not easy as Jax tightened and rippled around him.

Trustingly, Jax settled and let himself be nuzzled as the pressure slowly ebbed away. Soon, it was replaced a completely different pressure building. With a small moan he pushed back against him. 

“Better?" Isaak asked. 

"Need you -" Jax said, arching and nibbling lustily on his arm. He bit down in surprise as Isaak pressed against him firmly, sinking even deeper. Jax shuddered in pleasure as he rocked gently. He glanced up to see their reflection in the window. Isaak's grey fringe was falling into his face and it struck Jax hard how handsome he was. 

Emotion swam over him and his eyes welled with tears. He saw, and well as felt teeth nipping at his shoulder and seeing Isaak move with him, and feeling it, made his heart swell with joy. With a small shuddered breath, a tear slipped down his cheek.

Isaak paused and touched Jax's cheek, feeling the wet skin, "Sunshine?" he asked. He stilled completely. Jax just pulled Isaak's arms closer around him, but Isaak wouldn't have it. Gently he pulled out, despite his lovers objections, and turned him over on his back, "What's wrong?" he asked, "Did I hurt you?" 

Jax shook his head as another tear slipped down his cheeks, "Nothing is wrong -" he whispered, not trusting his voice to carry, "I'm just..." he pushed himself up, "A little overwhelmed," he said and reached for him. 

Isaak took his hand and noticed he was shaking. He pulled the younger man into his lap, embracing him, but Jax had other plans. He straddled Isaak's lap and carefully lowered himself down on the hard length. 

"Oh my god…" he moaned. Isaak gripped his hips hard as he was taken into the silky heat. He yanked his legs to lay snugly around his waist and kissed him hard. Jax gasped as Isaak's tongue thrust into his mouth, demanding everything he had. He squeaked when he felt himself leave the bed as Isaak raised to his knees, and exhaled with a breathy shout as he landed on his back with his lover on top of him.

 

#

 

Isaak finally looked up from his paperwork, meeting the furious brown eyes of his long-time parter. “What?” he sighed. 

“Don’t you have any shame?” Victor snapped at him. “Parading your fuck-boy around like… he matters.” 

Isaak felt like caving his scull in, but he did not give in to the temptation. “As you parade your strippers and prostitutes?” he sniped back. 

“And you sent me away for the LA opening - and you brought him.” 

Isaak tempered himself. “I’m sent you to Miami to deal with an important shipment. Lets’ take a holiday, my love,” Isaak suggested warmly. “Somewhere exotic.” 

Victor scoffed at Isaak’s deflection, “You expect me to believe that will actually happen?”

“I’d hoped you’d be more excited at the prospect of some time away, just the two of us, rather than your upset at missing the grand opportunity at spending the evening with people you don’t much like.” 

“It’s not the fucking party, it’s the fucking blond shit you’re showing off.” Victor bit, feeling jealousy tightening in his chest. So often he didn’t give a shit, but this time it was different. Even if Isaak couldn’t see it yet, this time it was different. It felt different. There had always been other people present in their relationship, but they had always been standing around them. This one, this one was standing between them, but Isaak couldn’t see it. 

“It’s a lifestyle club, Victor,” Isaak soothed, “It made sense to bring a pretty sub when the people invited are a group of practicing doms, no? Besides, you have made it ever so clear your distaste for such activities. Asides from that, he has not yet signed any contract asides from a trial, so in the present, what is the point of arguing about it?” 

 

Victor sighed sadly, knowing he wouldn’t get anywhere with this. “Holiday?” relented. “Where?” 

“Dubai sound nice?” 

“If you want to be decapitated. India?”

“Italy?” 

“Santorini,” Victor suggested, “It’s been a long time.”

Victor nodded, a small smile on his lips, Santorini it was then. 

#

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'know, there are some points in your life when nothing works out, but booting the people giving your trouble just hurts a bit too much to be doable....?


	11. 1.11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jax goes to see Ope. Ope refuses to see Donna.

Jax parked his bike outside Opie’s house. His brother had been in jail for nearly five years and he still thought of it as his. Donna had made it explicitly clear that she wanted nothing to do with the club, but Jax was nothing if not a tenacious asshole. The first few times she had thrown most of the groceries he got her in his face - literally, but he had worn her down. 

Opie was his brother in a far more profound way than any kutte could make them. They were in diapers together. Their policy was mi case es su casa, and while that could not be directly applied to their wives it could roughly be translated to my family is your family, and Jax took that to heart. Once Donna had stopped hissing at him like a rightfully angry cat, he picked up a lot of the work that Opie was supposed to do. 

Wendy didn’t give much of a shit that he’d helped out more at Donna’s than he did at home. She knew that wouldn’t change when they married. He paid the bills and she sorted out the house and she was fine with that. It let her focus on her studies. Even community college was expensive enough for it to spin Jax’s head around. Jax had insisted that if she was gonna spend that much money, all her life savings on college, then she had to put all her energy in it, and not waste her time and energy on some shitty part time job. Even if she did part time, Jax would have put an end to that now that she was pregnant. It wasn’t to be a dick, or in an effort to control her, but making a baby took a lot of energy and lagging behind on her studies was not an option as they could not afford that, and her stressing out needlessly was also not an option, because of the baby. 

 

“Hey Jax,” Donna greeted. “Wasn’t expecting you today.” 

“I’m heading up to see Ope. Got some things to tell him. Prepare him for when he gets out.”

“Club shit?” Donna sighed. 

“Personal shit,” Jax replied. Donna looked up at him, surprised. “Wendy and I… we’re divorcing.”

Donna frowned, “But the baby?” 

Jax nodded and sat down at the table. “It’s a friendly split. Still live together and all that, but…” 

“I’m sorry Jax,” Donna said softly, “Was it… me?” she asked. “I know Gemma…” Jax’s mother had an issue with Donna pulling away from the club, and she hated that Jax enabled her to do that. 

“No, not at all. I know you and Wendy never really connected, but she… always said helping out here keeps me humble,” Jax chuckled. “No, it’s…” he hesitated, “I met someone. And me and Wendy… we came to a natural end. Her interests also go in another direction, so… we decided we were good as roommates and co-parents.” Though that was starting to turn sour.

“You new lady mind you still living with your wife?” Donna grew worried as Jax looked away. “Gemma not approving?”

Jax hesitated before he replied, “Mom is on fire. But it ain’t about… she’s pissed about the divorce.” 

“Does she know?” 

“It’s… I’m not quite sure if my interest is reciprocated.”

Donna scoffed and chuckled, “A chick that doesn’t fall over herself for the Prince of Charming.”

Jax bit his lip, “Ain’t a chick…” he confessed quietly. 

Donna cocked her head, “Dipping your toes on the other side?” 

Jax shrugged, “Seems that way.”

“And Wendy?” 

“She was woefully unsurprised.”

Donna nodded and sat down, “And you’re not sure this guy swings that way?” 

Jax sighed. Isaak hadn’t done anything to make him think he was not invested. Quite the opposite actually. It was the people around him that made Jax wonder. Their surprise and their puzzled faces. It was not the surprise at seeing Isaak attached, but rather that he was attached to him, like they expected someone else. Was Isaak that much of a dog? “His dick swings my way. Just not sure the rest of him follows.”

“Ah…” Donna understood. “He in the closet?” 

Jax chuckled, “No, definitely not. He gives exactly zero fucks about what people think. Doesn’t have to give a fuck. It’s just… when he’s here, it’s like I’m the only thing in the world that’s important, but… he’s only here a few days a month. He lives in Kiev. I mean… Twenty-five out of thirty days a month, he’s somewhere else.”

“Jax…” Donna said hesitantly, “This ain’t gonna be easy to hear, but… maybe it’s the best it stays this way, regardless how you feel about him? Cause if it becomes more, then you’re gonna have to come clean to the club at some point and…” she sighed, “-would you be ready to handle that?”

Jax’s eyes glazed over, “I didn’t even fucking think of that.” He mumbled. “Fuck, I should have thought of that.” Donna took his hand, squeezing it gently. “I got so caught up, I… with Wendy being so supportive, I… needed a reality check.”

“Jax, I’m sorry -” 

“No,” Jax stopped her, “Don’t be sorry. I needed to hear that. Thanks for telling me before I actually put myself in a situation with the club I couldn’t fix.” He moved to pull away, but Donna pulled him back. 

Her heart hurt for him, “Jax, if this guy is the one, perhaps he is worth some ruffled feathers.”

“What if he’s not?” 

“Only one way to find out,” she offered. “Opie lost five years to the club, but you… if you sacrifice someone you love, you could be losing the rest of your life.”

“You think I should tell him?” 

“I guess it’s the only way to find out. Follow your heart Jax. It might not be easy, but… not following your heart guarantees misery. If you go for it, at least your have a shot of happiness.” 

Jax nodded, eyes wet with tears, “Thanks Donna.”

She nodded, “You’ve been here for me. I guess it’s my turn now.”

Jax sniffed and rubbed his face, shaking off the conversation. “You got some pictures, letters? Something for Ope?”

“Yeah, I made a package.” Donna pulled a brown envelope out of a drawer. “It’s got a cassette with greetings from the kids. Ope still won’t see any of us.” 

Jax nodded. He’d tried talking Ope out of his noble bullshit, but it had been no use. At last he’d talked him out of trying to divorce Donna. His brother had some stupid idea about how Donna was better off without him. Some bullshit that was. “He just doesn’t want you seeing him like that, Donna. You know he loves you more than anything.”

“I know. Would be nice to know what he looked like now though.” 

 

#

 

Jax handed over the envelope to Ope. “Thanks man,” Ope opened the letter and pulled out the pictures of his kids. “Fuck… they’re so big.” He smiled fondly. 

“There is a tape in there as well,” Jax added, “Kids are eager for you to get your ever expanding ass back home.” 

Opie looked up when Jax grew quiet. “What’s up Jax? You had this weird look on your stupid face ever since you walked in. What’s up? Donna ok?”

“Donna is peachy. Wendy’s pregnant.”

“You don’t seem happy.”

“We’re divorcing.” 

“Ah.”

“We decided after we found out about the kid.”

“Keeping it?” 

“Yeah,” Jax nodded, “Friendly split, still friends, still living together. Roomies,” he grinned weakly. “We’re good, but it’s a bit weird sleeping next to her, knowing she ain’t gonna be my wife any more. Dreading the end of an era, even though we’re both ready to move on.”

“She got someone?” 

“She’s dipping into the lady pool,” Jax smiled, “More ladies in the house, I can’t complain.”

“And you?”

“I’m…”

“You’re seeing someone,” Opie deducted. “It’s serious?”

“Fuck man, you gotta stop that!”

“Can’t help it. You’re an open book, man. Now dish on the broad.”

“I dunno man. We’re just fucking. Ain’t a big deal.”

“Your face says otherwise.”

“Ain’t Old Lady material.”

“Half of Sam Crow’s old ladies are hookers and porn stars.”

“Russian, ex-military, business professional to the fucking fingertips.”

“How successful?”

“Travels around the globe on business on a regular basis. Stops by Sacramento or LA for a few days every month.”

“Sounds like you’re gonna end up the Old Lady,” Opie said dryly. 

Jax huffed, “I’m very aware, thank you. But it ain’t gonna come to that.”

“You not serious about her?” 

Jax shrugged, feeling a little awkward, “Don’t think she’s serious about me.” 

“How so?” 

“C’mon Ope. I’m a small town mechanic, barely graduated high school. Her monthly coffee supply could buy a fucking house. She’s out of my league man. I’m her fucking boy-toy and… I don’t think anything I do could change that. I don’t think I can change her mind about that…”

“You got yourself a sugar-mama?” Jax glared at him. “No judgment man. Shoulda known you had a mommy-thing.”

“Fuck you.” 

“You love her, Jax?” 

“I think I do…” 

Opie nodded, “So… what? She hides you away in her hotel and just fucks your brains out?” Opie asked, “Or does she drag you around, meet people and shit?” 

Jax shrugged, “Everywhere. Meetings, friends, events.”

“Does she talk about you? What you do?” Jax nodded. “Does she ever sound embarrassed?”

Jax sighed, “No, but it’s not that simple. Pretty much anything goes as long as it’s temporary. I… I don’t have what it takes to be a husband to someone like that. He - she deserves more than anything I can offer.”

“Love, loyalty, devotion, honesty, integrity, family. None of that shit can be paid for. None of that can be determined by material shit.” Opie paused. “Does she know about the club?”

“Kind hard to keep it a secret when it’s tattooed across my back,” Jax snorted. 

“But does she know what we do?” Opie asked seriously. 

“Yeah,” Jax replied. 

“And?”

“Didn’t say much. Didn’t seem to care. Security detail chilled significantly once they learned I’m ex-marines.”

Opie’s eye-brow rose, “Security detail?” 

“I wasn’t kidding with the successful bit, Ope. Being together… for real, I’d have to give up the club. Being an ex-felon, that might fly, but… I don’t think she’ll let new shit slide under the table if my name is legally linked to hers.” 

“She makes you want to be a better man?”

“Makes me think twice. Makes me smart. Makes me think further ahead than tomorrow. Makes me think about… how I can pull the club in a legit direction. Make an honest living.” 

“Sounds like you got your woman.”

“But for how long?” Jax questioned sadly. “Until she’s done with me, and I’m… sitting here like an idiot with all my fucking fluffy and sparkly daydreaming. And I’ve got a kid… I can’t leave Charming, and she sure as shit ain’t settling down in small-town Cali.”

Ope shrugged, “Just keep your dick wet then. Keep it going until the both of you are done. If she’s half as smart as you say, then she knows this. Perhaps she’s content with whatever you’ve got now. Look at yourself,” Opie grinned, “You got genetic superiority man. Maye she wants pretty kids. Can’t buy that.” he joked. 

“What if I want more?” Jax asked seriously.

“Well, then you’re fucked.” 

 

#


	12. 1.12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is nagging at the back of Jax's mind.

Jax laid on his stomach, enjoying the feel of Isaak's hands stroking his sweaty back as he read some Russian novel out loud to him. He only understood about half, but he supposed that was progress. It’s not like Russian was a language that you could to come degree just pick up due to phonetic similarities, like Spanish. 

God, his life was so fucked up. All his life all he had ever wanted to do was ride. He was the VP of the mother charter and all he wanted to do was run away and he be here, under Isaak's palms and simply be. 

He'd moved out of the house. Despite their friendly split, things were getting tense between him and Wendy. They were fighting all the time and by all holy hell Jax did not want to be a father. But if you played the game he supposed… he had to take responsibility. It was his kid. 

At least it gave him an excuse to go on these trips. No one questioned his need to get away for a few days every few weeks and Isaak didn't seem to have an issue with shoving him into a plane and just flying him somewhere for the weekend. Apparently he was getting a bit sick of Sacramento and San Francisco. 

“I never stop thinking about you,” Jax whispered as he laid tucked under Isaak's chin. 

“Good to know I’ve made an impression,” Isaak chuckled and turned the page.

A few weeks ago Tig had taken care of some shit, as was his job as sergeant, but this time Jax had come with him. Clay had said he needed to see the realities of what they did if he was ever going to lead them. Jax slipped his hand under Isaak's shirt and stroked his stomach. “I never killed anyone while on tour. It’s strange… with the places I’ve been that… right here at home is where I’m gonna become a killer.”

“How so? You were just a child playing at war, my dear. They demanded too much of you.”

Jax snorted, “You joined at sixteen.”

“Russia is a tough place. That forces you to grow up quickly.”

“The club makes you grow up fast...”

“But they were still choices you were allowed to make; you chose to grow up quicker than your peers. It does not change that as a teenager your frontal lobe is not fully developed; that diminishes your ability to make judgment-calls. It is simple biology. Those are formative years for your psyche; no child or adolescent should be put in situations that can permanently alter their brain chemistry make them more prone to psychopathic traits. Taking a life should not be easy, but for people like me… it is.”

Jax grew quiet, thinking about what Isaak had said. It made sense. His family, his club was living proof of it. He had never killed anyone- not face to face. Even on his tour, six months, he never had to engage in one-on-one single combat. He was sure his bullets had taken lives. When bullets rained down on his unit, his bullets would have found their targets, but he had never been in a position where he had been forced to make the call if this human was allowed to live. 

“You were a sniper. How did you make the call?”

“Yes.” Isaak ran his finger through Jax's hair. “I had to decide, their life, or the lives of my men. My life. It was never a difficult choice to make.”

Jax frowned and curled under Isaak’s arm. How long would he have until he would have to step up and take a life for the Sons?

“You are in such a morose mood today, my dear,” Isaak put the book down focused his attention on Jax. “Anything in particular on your mind?”

Jax looked at him sadly, “I want more, Isaak,” he whispered. “I want more for us than this.”

Isaak frowned, confused. Had they not been doing well? Had Isaak been completely ignorant to Jaxs’ needs? Had he misread the situation? “If you’re not happy with our-”

“It’s not you, Isaak, you’re great. Everything here, with us, is perfect. Its just… when you’re gone, I go home to Charming and… The Club, they’re my family. I’m the son of the founder, VP of the mother charter, I can’t just… leave. I feel so fucking isolated. I want to take you home. I want to talk about you. I want you to meet my mom, my friends, my family and…”

Isaak shut him up with a kiss. One thing was having a lover on the side, that much Victor could not object, but if he gained an entire family of in-laws on the side, he predicted his life would become more complicated than he had capacity to appreciate. “I understand, love,” he murmured, “I have been where you are. Do not feel any pressure.”

“I… what if it’s never?” Jax asked, scared for what the answer would be. 

“Then we talk about that when never arrives. For now, let’s be happy together, and we will deal with it when it arrives. If nothing else, if what you have told me of your family is even remotely true, then they love you more than they care for dusty old bylaws.” 

Jax smiled and hid his face in the nook of Isaak’s neck. It was exactly what he needed to hear, but still, he wasn’t so sure that was the case. And even as he laid here, in his safe place, he felt like he was exposed. For the first time, he felt alone in Isaak’s arms.

In the pit of his stomach, he had the feeling there was something Isaak wasn’t telling him. 

 

#

 

Jax looked in on his son. How had it come to this? How had he let it come to this? How had he not seen what was happening? 

The worst part was that he understood. He understood the need to reach for the drugs. He didn't before, but he did now. Or rather, if not for Isaak he would feel the need, he was sure. He had gotten addicted to that high. And because of his understanding, his blind-spot when it came to Wendy, Abel was now suffering. 

“You can't blame yourself,” Tara said. 

Jax huffed, “Yes I can. That's my kid in there and I am at least partially responsible – if not for his mom, then for his heart.”

Tara sighed sadly, “I can only imagine how you feel Jax, but you cannot control biology, nor the actions of others. Just do your best now, that is all anyone can ask.”

“It's not enough.”

“Sometimes, no. But the surgery was successful, so far the little guy is fighting like a champ. You've gotta do the same. Focus forward.” She squeezed his shoulder lightly and took her leave. 

Jax phone buzzed in his pocket. “Yeah?” he replied without checking who it was. 

“Hello my dear. Are you far away?” a smooth English accent floated through the phone. 

“Oh fuck,” Jax muttered to himself. He had completely forgotten. “I'm sorry, I'm not gonna make it. Wendy OD'd and…”

“Is your son well?”

Jax swallowed, his voice raw. “Alive, born ten weeks premature – he got a hole in his heart and his insides upside down and hanging out, but he's holding on. Surgeon says his chances are good.”

“Tough kid, like his dad,” Isaak soothed. 

 

#

 

Tara stood besides Gemma and smiled as Abel slept in his incubator. Week by week,day by day, he was getting better. She left Gemma watching the baby and went to see how Jax was doing. He had come in with blood splatter in his face and a few stains she couldn’t be sure came from someone else. 

Opening the door, she could not hold back a gasp. Jax spun around, hand on his gun. 

Tara was horrified as she saw the fading blue and green lines along Jax's back. The average person might not think much of it, mistake it for lusty scratches perhaps, but she was a doctor and she knew better. Those where marks from a whip.

Hurriedly she closed the door behind her, “Jax, what happened to you?” she asked. 

“Nothing,” he scoffed, but he didn’t fool Tara. She had seen that guarded look on his before. 

Tara got a steely look in her eyes that Jax only recognised too well. “Do not bullshit me Jax. Those are whip marks. Dish.”

“Tara, can we not-”

“No, we can’t. Let me look at those.” Jax gave her a look. “To make sure there is no deep tissue damage.” Jax sighed and turned around. He loved his marks. Every single one. It made him warm inside to feel them and remember all the care Isaak took in placing them on him. It broke his heart and frustrated him that all Tara would see was pain and hurt, but none of the love, trust and patience.

Gently Tara prodded at the marks. They were smooth, uniform and even. Not a single one hard enough to do any more damage than light bruising. “Are you seeing someone professional?” she asked. 

“I…” Jax exhaled, frustrated. “I’m seeing someone. We have an arrangement.” 

“Is she a professional, Jax?” 

“He is an experienced Dom, but no, he does not do it for a living.” 

Tara paused, “Are you together Jax? Are you telling me… that you have a boyfriend that you practice BDSM with?” Jax hesitated, but nodded. “How often do you see him?” 

“Once, maybe twice a month.” 

Tara nodded, “Okay. Jax… when you’ve been with him, if you have had any scenes, can you please come see me?” 

Jax frowned, “Why?” 

“Jax, you’re my friend. I’m a doctor. I’ve seen this type of thing go so wrong, so many times.” Jax was about to protest, but she continued, “Accidents happen… I just want to make sure you’re always okay. Abel needs you to be okay. And with the Sons… you lead a high risk life, Jax. I just want to help you.” 

Jax deflated. He honestly didn’t want to, but what the fuck could he do with her best intentions when she put it like that. “Okay, he sighed, “I promise.” 

Tara nodded. “Okay, thank you, Jax. So… your man, does he have a name?” 

Jax had an odd look on his face, “What? No - oh my god, didn’t know you were gay- what the fuck-” he waved his hands dramatically. 

Tara rolled her eyed, “I’m a doctor Jax. It would take more than a little gay to even make me blink. Does anyone know?”

“Wendy and Donna knows. His name is Isaak.”

“You got a picture?” 

Jax chuckled, “Not here. Got on my phone at home.”

“Some other time then. He is good to you. Takes proper care of you afterward?”

“Like a goddamned baby,” Jax smiled softly and pulled on his shirt. 

“It’s good to see you happy Jax.” 

Jax nodded, “Thank you, Tara. For insisting.” 

“Does Ope know?”

“He knows I’m seeing someone, but that’s it.” 

“You’re afraid he’ll take it to the table?” 

“I’m afraid he’ll feel forced to.”

The door opened suddenly and they sprung apart. Gemma raised a brow and shook her head.


	13. 1.13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prison time, due to Clay's hot head in dealing with Zobelle. Jax saves their asses.

“What’s up Mike?” she sighed. June Stahl was one pissed off lady. She had been landed with the dead end task of identifying the Irish Kings, shot callers of the Real IRA. Talk about career killer. The sleaze-ball that just entered her office was one Agent Michael Stellar. The guy was a pain in the ass and spent more time trying to get in her pants than doing his job. Thank fuck he was only at the AFT offices for short amounts of time. 

“I’ve got man we can’t identify mingling with the mob bosses, but he’s not ringing any bells with Interpol. You mind having a look? Inter Agency relations and all that,” he gave an easy smile. The AUSA’s office had been tracking the Russians for years, and it had brought them back stateside. 

June just glared at him. 

He sighed. “Look, my team is stumped. Koshka Brotherhood. A white whale if there ever was one. Russian mob. They’ve been tightening their hold in Cali. Got some pictures I couldn't make sense of,” he said and pulled out a file. “Isaak Sirko, the Boss, has been hanging with this young man periodically for the past two years,” he handed her a few photos. “Word has it Sirko is very protective of his boy-toy. We can't get shit on him. No last name. No name at all. Calls him kitten or sunshine. All we know is that he is possibly American - or at least speaks well enough to pass for one.”

Stahl nearly laughed, but kept a straight face. “Kid got one of who baby-face American sweetheart faces. He’s a looker, but too pretty from anyone I know.” That was the motherfucking VP of the mother charter of the Sons Of Anarchy.

Steller frowned. “Shame. 

Finally, some progress. Perhaps with this she could even leverage him to give up the IRA. 

 

#

 

At the San Joaquin County Correctional Facility, the Sons were all huddled around a table, knowing very well they were on their own. 

“The Black Guerrilla Family offers protection in exchange for two traitors. A freak on the outside, and Dion, in protective custody. Word is he got a taste for pretty prison ass,” Clay leered. “With a special taste for the Latino kind.”

Juice blanched, “Fuck no,” he protested, a creeping panic in his voice. 

“C'mon,” Bobby crowed, “Take one for the team!”

“I'll do it,” Jax injected. The Sons quieted in shock at the VP's offer. Jax shrugged, “Juice looks like he's about to piss his pants,” He teased and shook out his hair. “He ain't no competition for my shiny blond luscious locks.” And frankly, anything that could get him away from Clay for a while was good in his book. Clay had played right into Zobelle’s hands by attacking that church event, and now they were paying for it, big time. Jax was extra peeved about it, as he missed a chance to see Isaak. 

Juice cocked his head, “And you ain't afraid of getting your ass pounded by black monster dick?”

Jax huffed, “Ain't gonna come to that.” 

Clay smirked, “Well, since out VP so kindly offers his ass for our safety, let's not argue.”

 

#

 

Jax sauntered over to Dion. He wasn't even halfway across the yard before the man's eyes were on him. “Hey there,” he called, making sure to keep his voice slightly softer than usual, the way he did when he wanted something from Isaak he knew was pushing it slightly. 

Dion raised a brow and leaned against the fence, “You need something, pretty.”

Jax threaded his fingers through the fence, curling them delicately. Dion's eyes flickered to Jax's hands. Yeah, it was all in the details. “Someone to help me,” Jax dropped his gaze to the ground and shuffled his feet. 

“Not sure I can help you, sweetheart. You're not quite my type. I like 'em… a little more resilient than your pasty white ass.” 

Jax gazed up at him from under blond lashes. He bit his lip and slanted his body slightly, “But…” He forced his eyes to water, knowing his lips would redden and his skin would flush. “I miss my Dom,” he whispered. Which was completely true, but not in the way that asshole was thinking. 

The quiet words made Dion perk up. “You a bitch out there was well, uh. You hole nice and wet always? Deepthroat?” Jax nodded. “You just want someone to hold you, keep you warm…” Jax nodded again. Dion nodded to himself, “I could get my dick wet. Infirmary. After dinner.”

Jax smiled shyly, “Thank you.”

Dion grinned, “It's all good, little lovely sunshine.”

For the first time, Jax had to bite back a flinch.

 

#

 

Hours later Jax entered the infirmary. 

“The doc is gonna take a walk for half and hour. I'm gonna fuck you so good,” Dion promised. 

Jax continued to play up every submissive trait, every sweet move that gave Isaak that glint of steel in his eye, everything he had learned to get his way. Widening his eyes and stretching his arms out, almost childlike, kitten-like, he made a soft noise. Dion growled under his breath and crossed the room. Jax made a small squeak as he was hoisted up a little rougher than he was used to. Wrapping his legs around Dion's waist, he buried his face in his neck. Jax nearly gagged. Dude needed a shower. 

Dion carried him to an infirmary bed. Jax forced a faux shudder, making his body jerk and his hands shake. Unprepared for the hesitance, Dion paused. “Just a little scared,” Jax made his voice tremble. 

“What? Your old Dom not as big as me?” Holding his break to fake a flush, Jax shook his head and hid his face in Dion's chest. “Ah, baby, I'll be careful. Gonna fuck you again tomorrow. Can't mess you up too bad then, uh?” He pressed against Jax, shoving his hard-on between his legs. Jax meeped, true to character and nudged his nose under his chin. Keeping the guy under the enthrallment of thinking Jax was a terrified trembling little flower would drag this out for much longer. “I'm gonna make your tender soft insides all swollen and sore as I fuck you, darlin'-”

Jax saw the Black Guerilla Family gather outside the door though the small window. “My tender soft insides, are for VIP's only,” Jax breathed, “Very Important Penises,” Deepening his voice to his usual octave he snarled, “And you don't fucking qualify -” he curled his legs up and kicked him in the chest. A second later the BGF crew flooded the room, descending upon their traitor, and Jax slipped quietly from the infirmary and was guided back to the cell he shared with his crew. 

“You okay kid?”

“You mean if I got mutilated by black monster dick?” Jax sniped, “Then no. My asshole is still safe.”

“Took some balls, man,” Juice said. 

Jax shrugged, “Being pretty and blond has it's advantages. Ain't no mystery. Just men thinking with their dicks.”

Bobby narrowed his eyes at his VP. There was more experience behind those words than he was sure Jax was letting on. However, as curious as he was, this was not the time.

 

#


	14. 1.14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter of Part 1

Ch. 14 Summary: Isaak receives some bad news and Jax unexpectedly bears the brunt of his anger. 

 

Jax laid nuzzled against Isaak’s chest. The last week had been a near nightmare for Jax. After they got out of jail, his moms best friend was killed, and it was in some ways his fault. Clay had burnt down Caracara, and in response, Jax had wanted to go nomad. Tara had suggested he take some time away before making that decision. He knew very well what she thought of the club, and she wanted him out, very much for Abel’s sake, but not at the cost of going nomad. That was a death-sentence, and she knew that very well. 

But perhaps it was the best thing? He wouldn’t be alone, like the others. He’d be with Isaak. It was a chance to spend more time with Isaak. Losing the Redwood seat was worth the life he could have with the man he loved. After a while, a couple of years he could patch out completely without much drama. Perhaps he could re-enlist? He imagined Abel going to a good school, no bullets flying around his head. If Jax died in the line of duty, at least he could proudly say his daddy was a marine, and not a outlaw gun-slinging criminal. It made him a little giddy to think of Isaak finally holding his son. He hadn’t seen Abel since he was born, and Jax couldn’t take Abel so far away from his doctors, not when he was so little. 

To imagine, being like this, but with Abel sleeping between them, it was a dream Jax had never thought would be possible to realise. But now, perhaps his break with Clay and Luanne’s death could bring something good to his life?

 

# 

 

After he woke, Isaak sat in his chair, by the window, watching Jax sleep. Such a beautiful boy he was. Seeing him laying there, cocooned by masses of white sheets, collars gleaming in the sun was intoxicating. He could already see the redness and raised skin where his whip had landed. The faintness of bruises around his wrists. Underneath the sheets he knew his hands would have left dark marks on his hips. 

Knowing how much Jax loved being marked by him…

It made him think of how much Victor hated being marked. Even their trip to Santorini had been plagued by their growing incompatibility. Isaak had looked forward to spend time with his partner, but Victor was pulling away from him - in a much different way than before. Isaak was sure that Victor felt threatened by Jax, but in truth, there was no need. 

He was very fond of Jackson, but Victor was his partner… but yet, when he looked at Jax, he felt warm, while with Victor, for years he had felt little but apathy. Jax made him smile, and Victor was always picking a fight. 

Jax was sweet, warm, trusting - oh so trusting. Isaak closed his eyes. How he loved sitting right here, with Jax sitting on the sheepskin between his legs, cheek resting against his thigh, listening to Isaak read for him. How many times had Jax fallen asleep curled into his side while he was working? How many mornings had he been woken with sweet kisses and the scent of coffee. How may time had he had to physically restrain himself not to burst with joy? 

Any thought of Jackson flickering through his mind was a high point in his day. 

But he loved Victor.

Victor filled every nook and cranny of his heart. There was no room for anything else. Even his sweet sunshine Jackson. 

 

#

 

When Jax woke, he was alone and he was not feeling very well. He was freezing and the usually soft sheets were scratchy and harsh. Having slept off his subspace, he could feel a drop coming. Slipping out of bed and standing on shaky feet he pulled on one of Isaak's shirts – it was the closest, and some pajama pants. 

As he padded through the upper floor of the penthouse he felt a gnawing sensation in his gut. Isaak never left him alone after a scene. Jax had never felt steady enough to be left alone after a scene, and tonight was no exception.

Except Isaak had made an exception. 

The scene they had gone through was new, and had pushed Jax further psychologically and physically than he'd ever done before, so was it too demanding that he needed his Dom now? He stopped and wrapped his arms around himself, feeling weak and unsteady. 

He pushed the door open to where Isaak was speaking with Jurg and Georg in rapid Russian, far too fast for Jax to keep up with. Isaak paused as he noticed the door sliding open. “Not now Jackson,” and gestured for him to leave.

Jax frowned, hurt by the dismissive gesture, “I'm not feeling well,” he said quietly, leaning against the door frame, 

Isaak huffed, irritated and came over to Jax and ushered him out the door. “Not now,” he repeated harshly. “Go back to bed.”

“But -”

Isaak whirled around to face him. 

Jax didn't see it coming. He truly didn't. His head whipped to the side by the force of Isaak's palm as he backhanded him. His eyes were glued to the floor to the left of his feet. His entire body was paralysed. His mind couldn't catch up. The left side of his face throbbed painfully. He could taste blood in his mouth. His head swam and vision was darkening, but the lights were at the same time too sharp. 

As awareness came back to him, it all came rushing at once. The quiet room was suddenly loud, the pain stung fiercer, his body started shaking as it started pumping adrenaline in response to the pain. He turned his head back and looked at his lover, who looked back at him with hard ice blue eyes. His eyes tearing and his lip bleeding, his cheek bright red and rapidly bruising. 

Blinking rapidly he glanced thought the door into Isaak's office at Jurg who was trying to pretend not to pay keen attention, and Vanya who was looking awkwardly at the floor. 

“Go back to bed,” Isaak repeated, this time in a more quiet voice.

Jax could see drops of his own blood on the hardwood floor. Shakily he gave a jerky nod, the movement making his head throb with pain, and escaped to the bedroom. He walked at a normal pace, he was sure, but he felt like he was escaping a predator.

 

Returning to the bedroom, the quietness of the room embracing him, reality came crashing down on him. Trembling, he sank to the floor, shaking too badly to stand up right. His head was thumping with pain and adrenaline in a way he had never felt before. 

He shook himself and tried to pull himself together. He was an ex-marine. He had been in shoot-outs, proper fights. He had been hit harder than this, injured worse than this. Shaking his head was a bad idea. Nausea welled and he gagged violently. He gasped for breath as vomit forced it's way up his throat, choking him as it filled his mouth and poured out on the soft carpet, mixing with the blood dripping from the cut on his lip and his cheekbone. 

He could hear his phone ringing.

But he couldn't-

He couldn't…


	15. 1.15

Ch. 15 Summary: At every turn, at every door, Jax looks over his shoulder, hoping Isaak would come for him. 

 

#

 

When he came to consciousness, it was still dark outside and he was still on the floor. His entire body hurt. Getting to his feet took a herculean effort. He sank down on the bed and grabbed his phone. Six missed calls. 

One from his mother, one from Clay, four from Tara. Feeling a stab of worry he called Tara. “Tara?” God, he regretted speaking the moment he opened his mouth.

“Jax,” the rawness of Jax's voice made her immediately alarmed. “Are you okay?”

“Is Abel alright? I have missed calls -” 

“Nothing has happened. Abel is fine. We were just worried because we couldn't get a hold of you. Are you okay?” she repeated her question, pressing for an answer. 

Jax felt something break inside him, “No,” he whispered weakly, his voice breaking. “Tara,” he swallowed, “Can you come get me?” He laid down as dizzyness overtook him. “I'm dizzy, I can't see straight…” he breathed deeply as nausea welled again. 

“Jax, did he hurt you? Do I need to call the police to get you out of there?” 

“Just...” he swallowed.

“Jax, medically, tell me.”

Jax couldn’t really focus on what Tara was saying. “I fainted, I can’t see - I can’t see properly, I… Come get me… p-please.” His voice shook and he realised the tremors surging through him was actually plain fear. “I’ll text you the address.”

 

#

 

Tara felt panic fill her as she grabbed her bag and ran out the door. As she was about to get into her car her phone beeped. As she was trying to figure out where the address was, was Hale pulled up with a smile on his face. “Howdy Tara!” he greeted. 

Tara whipped around. “Hale!” she exclaimed, “I need your help,” she ran down to his car. 

Hale frowned, “Whatever you need Tara. Where's the fire?”

She ran around the car and threw herself in. “This address. I need to get there. Fast.” she said and showed him. 

Hale raised a brow, “That is a three hour drive away- with sirens on.” 

“Then get your sirens on.” 

#

 

“So what's going on?” he asked as they tore down the highway. 

“It's Jax,” she said. Before Hale got to to yell at her she interrupted, “I'll explain.”

Hale glared, “You better. Jax ain't on the top of my to-save list- even if he is your boyfriend.”

“Hale, Jax and I are not involved.”

“Right....”

Tara bit her lip. Jax had sounded terrified and with how he spoke she was worried for him, medically. She was sure he had a serious concussion, at least. Would Jax hate her for telling? “Please don't drive off the road when I tell you this, and I need your word that you will never use this against him.”

Hale glanced at her, now uncertain, but curious. “Okay...”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

Tara sighed, “Jax is gay. No one knows. The club isn't… kind to people who are not… white, straight and their kind of biker. Jax is their crown prince, they'd… I don't know what they would do to him… and he's so scared he won’t even tell his mother. His ex-wife is the only one who knows. And me, and now you.” 

Hale frowned and found that he needed to concentrate a bit extra to keep the car straight on the road. “I'm not sure I believe you.”

“Jax has a boy – god, a boyfriend. Him and Isaak… they have a special arrangement. Relationship. I was worried cause Jax didn't pick up for hours. He always calls back. He called back just a few minutes ago when I, his mom and Clay have been trying to reach him all yesterday. He sounded wrecked.” Her eyes teared up. “He hurt him, beat him. Dave. Badly. He fainted and he can't see properly…”

Hale exhaled slowly. That sounded bad. 

Her voice shook, “He begged be to come get him. He couldn't even get to his bike, let alone ride it. He was terrified, Dave. Jax Teller is terrified.” 

Hale looked at her. Sighing, not quite believing what he was hearing, nor what he was doing, he put on the emergency lights and stepped on the gas, driving as fast as the car could go.

 

#

 

Jax woke by the phone ringing, “Yeah?” he answered it. 

“Jax, we are twenty minutes away, okay.”

“I'll meet you outside,” he replied and dropped the phone on the bed. 

Sitting on the bed, it was starting to dawn on him what he was doing and what was happening. He was leaving. 

He was leaving Isaak. 

Fuck. Just earlier that day he’d been seriously considering leaving SAMCRO for him, and now this? 

They had been together nearly two years and now Jax was leaving him. He raised his hand to rub his face, but hissed in pain as he touched the sore skin. Hot pain throbbed through his scull. He hadn't dared look in a mirror. A part of him didn't want to go. He wanted Isaak to come apologise so they could go back to before yesterday. But Isaak hadn't come. Jax didn't know if he had been called away on business or whatever, but he hadn't even stuck his nose in the door to see him passed out on the floor in his own vomit and blood. 

That told Jax enough. 

Pain flashed through his chest. This was truly the end of them. 

God, if it had just been him it would have been different... maybe. But he had Abel to think about. He was just a baby now. He would never remember this, but when if it happened again in a couple of years, or in five years, when Abel would be old enough to question why his daddy was hurt. 

What if Isaak lost his temper around Abel?

He closed his eyes and tried to focus. He was still fussy in the head. What if a blow like that ever came in Abel's direction? 

And it was with Abel's face in his minds image that he slipped off the platinum bracelet on his wrist, and the collar around his neck and put them next to the watch on the nightstand. Next to that he put the phone Isaak had given him. He didn't have time to shower or change. Just getting downstairs would usually take him a full five minutes. Now he knew it would take longer. 

Bending down carefully not to jar his head further he pulled out his bag from under the bed. Rummaging through his dresser and his closet he did not pay much attention to what he stuffed into it. He just took everything he could stuff into the bag. Pulling a sweater over his head he kicked off the jammies and pulled on some trousers. 

 

#

 

Tara and Hale pulled up to the building, wondering if they were at the right place. “This is...” Hale just whistled. “You sure this is the address right address?”

Tara nodded and got out of the car and went into the building. “Excuse me,” she called the attention of the receptionist, “I am Doctor Tara Knwoles. I am here for Jackson Teller.” She pulled out her credentials. 

The receptionist frowned, “I was not notified of any medical personnel,” he said. 

“Jax called me personally,” she replied. “He asked that I come straight away.”

“Mick, it's fine.” Tara spun around as she heard a familiar, but rough voice on the other end. “I’ll see ya man,” he gave him a short nod, careful to hide his wounded face from him, lest he call Isaak. 

“Good travels, sir,” 

Tara gasped as she saw him. “Oh Jax.” The side of his face was nearly black with bruising, there was dried blood on his lip and the white of his right eye was bleeding red. “Oh my god.”

“That bad?” He joked with a crooked smile. But truly, he was relieved she had come so quickly. “I haven't looked in the mirror yet.” But even as he was relieved at Tara’s presence, he dragged his feet, a part of him hoping Isaak would come running and not let him leave. 

Tara felt like crying. “Come on, get in the car,” she ushered him. Jax paled a little as he saw Hale behind the wheel. “It was the only way I could get here fast enough,” Tara apologised, “Please forgive me. Come,” she said and pulled him along. Jax just nodded numbly as Hale took his bag and put it in the trunk or the car. He let Tara guide him into the backseat and let him rest his head in her lap as they drove off. 

It wasn’t until they were beyond the city borders that it truly reached through to Jax what he had done. 

He had left. And Isaak had not come for him. 

Tara soothed him as gently as she could as she felt him tremble. She could feel his tears soak into her jeans, and his ribcage jerk, trying to be quiet, even as he struggled to breathe. 

 

#

 

Isaak sat in his office, staring out the window. He was supposed to be on a chopper on his way to Miami, but he knew he had to speak with Jackson before he left. Sighing heavily he rubbed his temple. If it was not for the red marks across the back of his hand he would not believe he had struck his sweet little sunshine. 

He couldn't believe he had struck Jax. 

After a scene. 

He didn't know how to start that conversation. He didn't know how to apologise. Could he? God what had he done? His sub had come to him after his subspace and told him he wasn't feeling well and Isaak had dismissed him. If that wasn't bad enough. If being neglectful of his sub when he had been so good, and given him so much of himself… he had struck him in anger. He had made him bleed. 

 

How could he explain to him that the man that had been, for all intent and purposes, his husband of fifteen years had the law in their homeland allowed, had been shot, killed, and dumped some unimaginable place? 

Victor was dead. 

He dried the tears from his face. His steel blue eyes flicked over the small spots of blood on the floor.

Fuck it. 

There was no good way to do this. He just had to man up and apologise. It was nearing four am so Jax would be asleep. As he was about to leave the phone rang. “What?”

“Sir, Mr. Teller has left the premises.” 

Isaak felt disappointment settle in his gut. “When?”

“Just now, sir.”

“Get him back here.” He was about to hang up but the receptionist spoke again. 

“Sir, he was picked up by a doctor and a police officer,” the man paused, “He seemed very disoriented.”

Disappointment was overwhelmed by the ice that flooded his veins. Was Jax okay? Had he actually injured him? Had it really been necessary for Jax to have a doctor and a police officer to come pick him up? He wasn't some abused housewife who- Isaak paused. He dropped the phone and raced across the penthouse to the bedroom. The smell hit him like a smack in the face. The acidic scent of vomit penetrated the room, with a sweet after-scent of metallic blood. 

Jax had left, but there didn't seem to be much missing. Dread filled him. 

Less things were missing than there should be. On the nightstand laid Jacksons collars. All of them. His pendant, his bracelet. His phone. For the second time that night, Isaak felt his heart breaking, more pain than he knew possible cutting through his chest. 

Jackson had left. 

Jackson had left him.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a Part 2 coming. It will be continued in this story, as I find series to be a bit of a hassle.


	16. PART TWO: 2.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning Part 2
> 
> Tara, Hale, Unser and Gemma.

 

Tara was conflicted. She could see Hale was equally conflicted. It was standard procedure to call family when someone was admitted with injuries, but what on earth could she say to Gemma? 

“I can't do nothing about this, Tara,” Hale said. “A man that can put Jax out like this with a single slap is a dangerous person. Even if that wasn't the case, he should be held accountable for domestic abuse.” 

“I know,” Tara sighed, “But think about Jax here: What would the Sons do if they found out? If it ended up in Jax's file, his enemies will find out. Imagine what jail will be like if it was common knowledge that Jax prefers guys – that the VP of SAMCRO let another man fuck him and beat him? It could have fatal consequences, Dave. Worse than fatal.”

Hale growled under his breath. He had no respect for Teller. He didn't like him, he didn't respect him, in any other circumstances he would have let the guy drop dead. But no one deserved this. Had it been something that followed anything about the Sons, fucks given would equal zero, but Jax had been put in the hospital by someone he loved. Someone he trusted explicitly. Someone he trusted even more than his brothers-in-arms, and Hale knew those guys would - and did - drop dead for each other. That Teller was into BDSM wasn't so surprising. That he was a submissive was outright shocking. Hale wasn't naive. He knew something about something. He'd been a cop too long not to have seen some shit – not to have educated himself about some shit. To see the difference between a consensual D/s relationship, and plain abuse. He had seen the devastating effect an abusive Dom could have on someone. 

He couldn't imagine what Jax was feeling now. 

Damn, those Tellers sure went through the ringer where their private lives were concerned. Gemma gang-raped. Beat up by her husband. Jax beat up by his significant other. They just couldn’t catch a break, could they? 

“I have to make a rapport,” Hale insisted. “I will keep my mouth shut. I won’t even log the file. But it needs to exist in case Jax ever needs it. In case this guy comes after him and Jax needs protection from someone who will not disown him.” Tara nodded, agreeing. “This guys name.”

“Isaak.”

Hale nodded, “It's something. Anything Jax can tell you will be helpful to build a profile.”

“He's older than Jax, late forties, early fifties perhaps, loaded, businessman. Russian. That's all I know. Anything else is just haberdash. He sleeps on his back. Loves his coffee.”

“Unfortunately I'm not Sherlock Holmes. That doesn't help me much,” Hale joked weakly. “I’ll look up the address and see if there are any Russians named Isaak on any leases.” 

“That’s a good idea,” Tara agreed. 

A surgical intern stuck her head in, “Scans are in.”

“Anything severe?”

“Cheekbone fracture, grade three concussion, minute differences between pupils. Fine motor skills are off, balance is off. Concentration is low. Other minor lifestyle related injuries. Emotional distress: like major, like serious could develop into depression. Badass biker crying like a baby. Super disturbing.”

“Thank you,” Tara glared and got up. “I'll talk to the trauma-attending and see if I can get him home.” 

#

 

“I just don't understand these readings,” Steve told Tara. “All these hormones are… way above normal. It's like he's high and in withdrawal at the same time.”

Tara snatched the papers out of his hands and read through the tests, “Fuck,” she cursed. She had done her research. “He's in a drop.”

Steve blinked. “What?”

“Your patient. He is in something called a subdrop.”

“And?”

Tara glanced over her shoulder, “It’s a natural reaction, related to the fight or flight responses.”

“Never heard of it.”Steve ran a hand through his hair, “So what can we do?” 

“Sedate him, let him sleep it off. It’s the only thing we really can do. Put a notice on his room- no one but necessary staff. No visitors.” 

#

 

Hale quickly closed the folder he was working on as Unser came into his office. “What can I help you with Wayne?” 

“Just dropping by to see how you’re doing,” Unser said, “See how you’re digesting the news I gave you.” 

“Yeah,” Hale signed off on the report and put the folder into a large brown envelope, along with two other files. 

“What you storing there?” 

Hale paused, “Domestic abuse case. Victim didn’t want to press charges, but…”

“Bad?” 

“Very. So I’m making this, just in case it’ll be needed later.” 

“Can you tell me who?” 

Hale shook his head, “Sorry, Wayne. No can do. Wish I could, but…” 

“No no, it’s fine,” Unser waved it off. “I heard Jax is in the ICU? You know anything about that?” 

Hale shrugged, “Talked to Tara. She said he was jumped. Got his bell rung pretty hard.” 

“You know anything about that mystery lover of his? I thought he was off on one of his trips?”

“Tara said they were over. Something about incompatible lifestyles,” Hale leaned back.

“Not many lifestyles is compatible with outlaw,” Unser joked. 

“I got the impression that it was more the offspring-and-house lifestyle,” Hale replied with meaningful look. 

“Oh,” Unser grimaced, “That’s got to hurt. They’ve been at it for, what? Over a year and a half now?” 

“Tara didn’t say.” Hale looked away as he thought of Jax sobbing in his back-seat. “She said Jax ended it. Didn’t elaborate beyond that.” 

Unser shrugged, “Might have been for the best. When there are kids in the mix… makes it hard to plan for the future.”

“True that,” Hale agreed. Speaking of plans for the future, he had to make some contingencies for that file on the off-chance that something should happen to him. Considering his profession, that was not such a stretch of the imagination. 

 

#

 

Tara looked up form her paperwork as her office door opened. “You okay Gemma?”

“I’m fine darlin’. I came to talk about Jax. He’s still out cold?” 

“He should be sedated for another two days. With the overdose it will be better for him to just sleep through it.” With what had happened to Gemma, Tara had to tell her that Jax was in the hospital as well. To explain the sedation, she padded a white lie and said someone had jumped Jax and jammed a massive OD in his neck. Jax had a hefty bruise just above his collarbone, so it would check out. “With the head injury as well. I figured it was better to be safe than sorry. His brain is his prettiest feature.” 

“You two are thick as thieves. I know you ain’t bedding my son, but you… you’re reconnecting.” 

Tara nodded and smiled, “We are. It’s good to be friends.”

“Everyone seems to think you’re his old lady.” 

“I’m okay with people thinking that.” 

Gemma smirked briefly at Tara’s joke. If Tara was joking, it couldn’t be that bad. “And so is Jax… even though you’re not. You keeping an eye on his heart?”

“Always,” Tara assured, “Asides from some initial arrhythmia, his heart is fine.” 

“That sounds like a lie,” Gemma raised a brow. 

Tara chuckled. Gemma could always read her well, “Medically, his heart is fine. Emotionally… it ended with the person he’s been seeing. Jax took it very hard.”

“The one that was too good to be brought home to the biker-mom…” Gemma huffed. “You know anything more about that?” 

“That was not quite the case…” Tara mumbled under her breath. She exhaled sharply, “It was more circumstance than intention that you didn’t meet. It doesn’t matter. They’re over.” 

“Who broke it off?” 

“Jax did.” 

“Why?” 

Tara paused, “He did not go into detail. From what we’ve talked about, he didn’t think they had future and he was getting too invested for casual fuckery. So he ended it. Broke his heart, but… he felt it was necessary.”

“She take it badly?” Tara’s silence told Gemma enough. Gemma leveled her dark eyes at her former daughter-in-law. “That have anything to do with the state he’s in?” 

Tara, not cowered by Gemma just stared back, “I understand why you’re asking. You’re his mother and you’re worried. But as his friend, I will not betray him, and reveal something he has told me in confidence.” 

“So something did happen?” Gemma shifted. Feeling the aches in her body a though occurred to her, “Was he attacked? Like me? Did she have someone do it?” 

Tara shook her head, “No. For your peace of mind, I can tell you that he was not raped. Please don’t ask me anything else. If he finds out I told you anything at all, he won’t talk to me. And then he won’t have anyone.” 

Gemma scowled, but nodded, “So he wasn’t just randomly jumped?” 

Tara paused, but told the truth, “No.” 

“But that’s what we tell the club?” 

“That’s what Jax wants.” 

“Ok. You let me know if it becomes too much. You hear? If he needs help, regardless of what he tells you, you tell me.”

“I hear,” Tara nodded.


	17. 2.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tara fails to convince Jax to get professional help. Hale is worried and makes contingensies.

#

His chest hurt. It was a weird feeling. Pain he could deal with, but this was not something he could put his finger on. He just hurt. 

He was hurting everywhere, all the time. His head and his heart swung between Abel’s kidnapping and the throbbing pain in his head, reminding him of that Isaak was no longer in his life. The guilt searing at him, that if he hadn’t left Isaak, perhaps he’d have the additional funds and resources to go after Cameron Hayes faster. If he’d just gone back to bed when Isaak told him to, he would have been awake to prevent his son from being taken. Half-sack would maybe still be alive. His mom might not be on the run. 

“I think you should see someone, Jax,” Tara said softly. 

Jax looked up at her. He was curled up in the rocking chair with Abel’s blanket against his chest. “Like a shrink? Not happening.” 

“You’re not getting better. You need…” 

“I don’t need anyone fucking anymore with my head,” he replied, voice raspy. Perhaps if he’s been a bit less needy, Tara wouldn’t have a cut open arm, jeopardizing her career to protect his son.

Tara felt herself tearing up in frustration. “Jax, don’t do this to yourself. You need sleep. You need…” 

“To get a hold of myself?” 

“You need a professional. Someone who can give you anti-anxiety meds, or something to help you sleep. I have a friend, someone I trust from out of town. If I ask, he can make time for you.” 

“I don’t want to, Tara.” 

Tara sighed, “If I get you some meds, will you take them? To get your head on straight? Will you let me to the blood-work?”

Jax gave her a look, “Sure.” 

 

#

 

 

Hale looked up to see Jax Teller in his doorway. “How can I help you?” he asked. 

“You heard anything about Abel?.” 

Hale shook his head sadly. “Nothing. Cameron Hayes disappeared into thin air. Stahl is looking into if he left the country.”

Jax nodded. 

Hale nodded, “I’ll do my best. Your family has been through enough… even with your mom on the lam. Look, I’m not really looking for her, but it will be a hell of a lot uglier if she doesn’t give herself up.” 

“Yeah…” 

“How you holding up Jax? With what happened before…” Hale gestured to his face, referring to Jax’s fading injuries. 

Jax grit his jaw. “I’m fine.” 

“You don’t look fine. You’re pale, tired. You lost weight.” 

“Yeah, my kid got kidnapped.” 

“Y’know Jax… you’re allowed to feel pain for two things. Three things. You’re allowed to mourn your relationship, and feel the pain of Abel’s kidnapping at the same time. You’re allowed to be upset your granddad is losing his mind. It’s okay to be overwhelmed. You’re allowed to need your mother. You’re allowed to be unbalanced by her absence.” Jax didn’t reply, and even though he knew his words had affected the young biker, Hale knew he’d pushed enough on that front. “Has he tried to contact you?” Hale asked. “Called?

Jax deflated visibly at the question. Isaak had sent him his phone. The act felt both threatening and foreboding. Jax had put it in a drawer and tried to forget about it. Every now and then he checked it. He didn’t know if it was relief or grief he felt when it never rang. “He hasn’t called.” 

“I don’t know… how generous a man he was, but… we’ll find Abel. You don’t need to go to him, Jax. Please let that be your last resort.” 

“Even if I need help? For Abel?” 

“He nearly killed you, Jax. Wherever Abel is… he’s probably safer than if Isaak gets his hands on him. Next time you anger him, he could take it out on your kid to punish you, and his scull isn’t as hard as yours. I’ve seen it happen, kids killed by their step-fathers in piques of rage. I’ve spoken to the parents of those kids, talking about how hard it was to leave, but… if they had known, if they could turn back time… they would leave in a second. You did the hard thing, Jax. Isaak can’t help you with Abel. You’ve done the hardest part. Don’t make everything you’ve not been through be for nothing.” 

“I won’t,” Jax promised. 

Hale frowned, sensing that Jax was not quite so certain in his resolve. “I’ll see you at the wake tonight?” 

“Yeah.” 

 

#

 

Ope sat at the kitchen table. The kids were asleep, Lyla was curled up in front of the tv. Half-Sack’s wake had been brutal. David Hale was dead.

With a sigh he started on the week pile of mail. Bills, bills and more bills. Fuck, he was drowning. That said, everything was a lot easier with Lyla around. Being two about the house, the kids and the bills did wonders for his stress levels. He knew Lyla and Piper loved living in the house as well, instead of their old apartment. His kids seemed to like the company as well. 

He grabbed a large, thick envelope. Glancing at the return address, he frowned. It was from an attorney. Opening it, he saw a police file and another file with St. Thomas’ watermark on it. Curious, he read the cover letter. Glancing at it quickly, he saw it was from Hale. Why would Hale send anything to him? 

 

Opie, 

If you have this, it’s because something has happened to me, and my job of protecting Jax passes to you.

Opie raised a brow at that. Since when the fuck did Hale have Jax’s back - before him, at that. 

 

You probably know that Jax has been seeing someone out of town. It’s not a woman, but a man. As I’m writing this, Jax is currently in the ICU because Isaak - his significant other, beat him within an inch of his life. You don’t have to believe me. The medical file is proof enough. Tara knows. 

I couldn’t get a lot of info on Isaak, but according to the property I picked him up at, it might be Isaak Sirko, Russian ex-military. Most of his files are above my pay-grade. There is no doubt in my mind that he will come for Jax. When that happens, you need to protect him. Jax might be the toughest guy we both know, Opie, but that day, he was crying his heart out, so hard he could barely breathe, in the back seat of my cruiser, laying in Tara’s lap. He cried himself to exhaustion. He is scared. When you see the file, you’ll understand why. 

I did not file this report, because I know what the knowledge of Jax’s situation will to do his rep, and the danger it puts him in, but I had to make it, so that he can be protected by more than the club should Isaak come for him. If nothing else, it might be a small help should any aid from the arm of the law, be it enforcement or lawyers, be needed. 

Protect him, He needs you. 

David Hale

 

Ope could hardly believe what he had just read. Afraid of what he might see, he still opened the medical file. He had to know. There were dozens of pictures, some old, some new. In some, Jax was conscious, smiling, even, but in others he was sedated with a tube down his throat, mostly naked on a hospital bed. He recognised some of those injuries. Some of them hadn’t yet healed. 

He bit his knuckles in an effort not to lose his temper. 

He stuffed it all back in it’s folder and closed it. He grabbed his kutte and stuck his head into the living room. “I’mma head out for a bit.”

“Where you going?” 

“I need to clear my head.” 

Layla sat up, worried, “You okay?” 

He nodded, “Just been a lot lately. Might stop by Jax’s. See how he’s doing.” 

Lyla smiled softly, “Do that. He’s been through a lot…” 

“You have no idea…” Ope muttered. “I might not be back ‘til morning. 

 

#


	18. 2.3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knowing what he now knows, Opie sees Jax in a new light - a light that makes him willing to do anything to protect him, compelling him to push boundries he's never pushed before.

After hours of riding, Ope rolled up at Jax’s house. After entering, he saw Jax standing at the counter with a phone in his hand. “Hey,” he greeted and kicked his shoes off. “How you holding up?” Jax just shrugged. His best friend looked dejected and tired. “Whose phone is that?” 

Jax cleared his throat, “It’s mine, I just…” It was the one that Isaak had mailed back to him. 

“Your girlfriend give it to you?” Ope asked. Even though Ope now knew, Jax hadn’t told him about Isaak. Not his gender or that he’d left him. “It’s not exactly our burners.”

“Yeah. Ex.” 

“You broke up?” Jax nodded. “Recently?”

“Nearly two months,” Jax said quietly. 

“Damn, I’m sorry it didn’t work out…” Opie looked a the phone. “Were you gonna call her?” 

“We need money to find Abel. We wont be able to get as much as we need for Precious’ new man. I can’t think of anyone else that has that kind of money,” Jax reasoned. “Abel is everything. I can stand being in her debt for him.”

Jax’s eyes were wide and shining. How Opie hadn’t noticed that before was beyond him. Opie took the phone from his hand and dropped it back into the kitchen drawer he assumed Jax had been keeping it in. “We will get the money we need.” He said resolutely. “Lyla is talking to her girls. You don’t need anything from her, you got me?” 

Jax frowned as Opie’s forceful tone, but nodded, “If you’re sure.” 

“Several of the girls are waving their fees. Lyla alone is an extra three thousand dollars in the pot. That breaks us even, ok. Any of the others puts us ahead.” Opie sat down on the kitchen stool. “No grief-dialing exes. That never works out.” 

Jax huffed. “Just woulda been nice to not be alone right now. Take my mind off everything for a moment.” 

Opie’s mind flashed to everything he’d seen in that file, and knew he would do anything to keep Jax from calling his ex. Anything. “You’re not alone, Jax.” 

“You know what I mean.” 

“I do,” Opie said intently. Opie leaned forward and brushed a stray shiny golden hair out of Jax's face. “No matter what you need.” Opie was a little surprised at the warmth spreading through his as he realised the truth of his words, even if that meant Jax needed someone to take Isaak’s place, to hinder his return. Lyla would just have to understand. Perhaps that was what was needed to deter this guy: for his spot to be taken. 

Jax froze, leaning into the touch before he pulled away, ashamed and slightly stunned at his own reaction. Was he so starved for touch he’d react to anything? “You have no idea - you don’t want to know what I need right now,” he muttered. “The fuck is wrong with me.” 

“There is nothing wrong with you.” Gathering his courage Ope stepped off the stool and slid his hand underneath Jax's chin and tipped it up. Jax's heart was beating a mile a minute, confused at what was going on, confused about what he was feeling, confused about everything. Opie's warm touch burned against his skin and his scent penetrating his senses, warm and familiar. Physical contact between them was no rarity, but this felt different. Very different. It felt intimate. More intimate than any grief noramlly permitted. Shivers wrecked him, but Opie just wrapped his remaining arm around him and pulled him tightly against him. As Jax showed no sign of pulling away, he slowly and gently pressed their lips together. 

Jax gasped, his mind catching up with reality. Opie took the parting of Jax's lips as an invitation to deepen the kiss. Jax sighed into the kiss, but didn’t actually dare touch Ope until his best friend’s hand slid under his shirt, hot palm stroking his back. Gently he dropped kisses all over Jax’s face, down his jaw and his neck. Jax hadn’t even realised they moved until his back touched the kitchen counter. 

Looking down at Jax’s swollen lips and watery blue eyes, it hit him that he… was… beautiful. “Jax -” he breathed. 

“Ope-” 

“Jax-” Ope kissed him again, tasting alcohol and cigarettes, and lifted Jax onto the counter. He slotted himself between his thighs, and when Jax wrapped his arms around his neck, he pressed closer. Grabbing Jax’s thigh and raising it, making Jax shudder at the friction. 

“Where is this coming from?” Jax muttered as the kiss broke. 

Opie shook his head and crooned, “I want to protect you Jax… in every way I failed, I just want to make you feel better. Wanna make you feel good. Wanna give your mind a moment to catch up. Pleasure heals, no?” Jax made a small noise, but couldn’t fault the logic. Casual sex was the norm in the club. Would it really be so different if it was Ope, rather than one of the crow eaters? Right now, he’d give a lot just to feel anything but the vacuum in his heart at losing the two people he loved the most. Ope pulled him close, his broad hands steady on the small of Jax’s back, pressing them close together. 

He pulled away for a second and looked at Jax. He was flushed and pink faced, lips red, panting, blue eyes closed, collecting himself. “You good Jax?” Jax nodded. “You good with this?” Jax hesitated a second, but nodded. “Bedroom?” 

“Yeah-” Jax cursed as Ope pulled him off the counter and carried him, “Jesus fuck. Man I can walk,” he grumbled. 

“Yeah yeah,” Opie replied and kicked open the door to the bedroom and dropped them both down on the bed. They kicked and fumbled their clothes off. “Got-” 

“Drawer-” Jax breathed. 

“Condom?” Ope asked. 

Jax stiffened. Condom was not something he had spent a dime on in years. “I don’t have any.” 

“I’m clean,” Ope offered. “Tested last week.” 

Jax nodded, “Me too.” 

“Sweet,” Ope popped the cap off the bottle and pulled Jax towards him. It was strange to be skin to skin with a body he in some ways knew so well. His eyes recognized every freckle, every stray of blond hair, every swell of muscle, every line of every tattoo. The smell was familiar and warm. The tastes were new. The soft touch was new. 

Jax was a little disoriented. His body just wasn’t used to Opies soft treatment. Gentle and intimate he was plenty used to, but this was soft and careful. Ope was treating him like he was breakable. He inhaled deeply as fingers slowly pressed into him. That burned. “You okay?” Ope whispered. Even as Jax gave a short nod, he slowed down. As tension drained from his muscles, Ope knew he made the right call. He also knew from that, that Jax wouldn’t tell him if he hurt him. Probably because nothing Ope would do would hurt him like he’d been hurt before. 

Kissing his thigh, Ope quickly ran through his limited anatomy knowledge and what he’d picked up from Lyla, he curled his fingers gently upwards. The reaction was instantaneous. Jax gasped, hands clenching the sheets as the sharp pleasure he hadn’t felt for months coursed through him. Opie grinned and pressed in a third finger, massaging that spot firmly. “You like that,” he crooned. Jax’s breath hitched in response, pushing his hips against the hand pleasuring him. 

“Ope -” Jax breathed, “C’mon, I’m not breakable.” 

Opie paused, “I think you’ve taken enough abuse lately,” he said seriously and pulled him closer. Jax frowned and was about to speak when Opie kissed him, again, shockingly softly. Ope laid down between his thighs, the wet head of his cock tapping against his entrance. Ope groaned in pleasure, tightening his hold on Jax as he settled deep inside him. Jax panted as Ope pressed into him. “Ah,” he whined as it stretched his channel. Ope stiffened as Jax made a sound of discomfort, but Jax pushed him impatiently. Ope sighed and sank deeper. He hadn't been in anything so soft and tight as long as he could remember and it was Jax, his best friend, his brother, it was his Jax. 

Ope settled his elbow over Jax's shoulder and lifted his thigh higher on his hip as he set a deep gentle rhythm. Jax clung to Ope, trying to make sense of what he was feeling. While Ope was nowhere near as big as Isaak he felt pushed apart and incredible vulnerable. 

Isaak. 

Ope kissed his forehead and spoke softly, “we’ll get him, Jax.” Opie did not mistake Jax’s momentary distraction for anything but what it was, but a thought of his son was better than a thought of his ex. 

“I know,” Jax whispered and exhaled sharply. He pulled Ope back for a kiss, pushing his hips up in an effort to make Opie move again. Opie obeyed the quiet command, making Jax gasp as he rolled his hips. 

 

Pleasure rolled through his gut, making his entire body shake. But even as Opie whispered sweet words to him and rocked them steadily towards their peak, even as Jax felt loved and cared for, even as his eyes filled with tears at the intensity of the emotions he was feeling, thoughts of Isaak floated through his mind, cutting through his pleasured haze. Even as his mind was focused on Ope, his body knew very well that the man touching him was not the one who had taught him the limits of his body. 

As they came, Jax cried. The soft release washing over him, cleaning away old pain and tension. Ope held him tightly as they laid together, and he let him cry. In sorrow for his son, sorrow for Isaak and relief that he wasn’t so broken that no one would want him. Relief that someone could still want him. 

And more than all of that, relief that he could still want someone, that he could still want to have sex with someone like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg I can't believe I did this....


	19. 2.4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jax learns something new.

The next morning Jax saw making himself coffee and breakfast. He’d left Ope in bed, needing the extra time of solitude to think. He ached pleasantly in the muscles stretching over his hips and down his thighs. While his body felt settled and relaxed, the tension of the past few months drained away, his mind was not quite caught up. 

Ope. 

Opie, of all people.

He opened the fridge and saw he was out of milk. No cereal then. Tara was up north with his mom. Before she’d left, she’d stocked his fridge, as he hadn’t had the discipline to do a damn thing in th last few weeks. He grabbed some random greens and a couple of apples. 

He scratched his chin, pondering about what was going on through Opie head to bring them to this situation. He didn’t manage to finish his train of thought before he felt a hand on his hip, “Morning,” Ope said, his voice raspy from the disuse of the night. 

“Hi,” Jax replied. 

“Last night was rough, you okay?”

Jax frowned up at his best friend in confusion. The night before had been the gentlest in his memory. “Uh-” 

“With everything…”

Oh! “Uh, yeah, um…” Jax was suddenly aware of exactly how close Opie was. And Opie was in jeans and bare upper body, heat radiating from him, the scent from the night before faint on his skin. “Um… h-how’s Lyla?” Jax asked quietly and leaned back against the counter, putting some distance between them- even is that distance felt so many kinds of wrong. 

“She’s fine. She knows I’m here,” Opie said. “Look, last night wasn’t a mistake. Don’t feel that. I can see it creeping up on you.” 

“Was a little unexpected.” 

Opie smiled crookedly, “Yeah, it was.” 

Jax turned and busied himself with throwing the veggies into the juice blender. Once more, Isaak floated through his mind. This was a habit he had gotten him into. Jax wasn’t a health nut by any means, but he supposed if he didn’t want to look like Bobby by the time he hit fifty, he should start taking care of himself. With the amount of sugar loaded into his OJ was horrendous, and the forty extra seconds it took for him to make his own was a small price to pay for not getting diabetes or something equally shitty to deal with. His lifestyle was dangerous enough. He supposed he didn’t need his food trying to kill him as well. Well… right now he didn’t give a shit anymore, it was just all he had in the fridge. 

“Don’t you need to cut those up?” 

“Nah, this thing is a beast,” Jax gave him half a smile. “Would shred my hand if I put it in.” 

“Didn’t know you were into that healthy stuff. Tara turn you onto it?” 

“These abs don’t maintain themselves,” Jax joked and tapped it into a glass. “Look, this… it can’t get weird. The club…” 

“Jax-” Opie cut him off. “I love you.” By the stunned expression on Jax’s face, Opie rephrased. “Not in love, but I love you, more than a brother, more than family… not like Donna, but more than a brother, Jax. It’s hard to explain, but you’re more important Jax. You’re more important than anything. We came up together. You’re in my blood, more than SAMCRO ever was.” Opie bit his lip. “It might have been my imagination, but last night… I felt it in my bones that you needed something different than to get smashed and talk shit. Was I wrong in thinking you needed that connection?” 

“You weren’t wrong,” Jax said quietly. “I just… don’t know how you knew I needed something like that before I even knew it myself.” 

 

Ope smiled sadly, “That wasn’t the first time you’d done that… was it?” 

Jax paused and flushed, “I-” 

“Your Russian. The reason you never brought her to Charming, the reason she doesn’t have a name, even after a couple of years. It’s because she’s not a she, am I right?” 

Jax put the glass down, because his hands were shaking. “How did you know?” 

“Because you’re in my blood, Jax. The very second you told me about him, I knew something was different, that the stakes were higher.” 

“Who else knows?” 

“Just me.” 

“What does this change?” 

“Nothing, if you don’t want it to. Whatever you need.” 

“And if I need you?” 

“You got me Jax.” 

“The club can’t know. No one can know, Ope…” 

“I know, Jax. We’ve been joined at the hip since we were born. No one will wonder,” Opie got up and pulled Jax into an embrace. Jax raised his arms up and wrapped them around his neck, letting Opie hug him tightly. 

#

 

June chuckled. “You want to make a deal? I don’t have to make a deal with you Jax. If I can’t take down the Sons, I can still take down you for your connection to the Koshka Brotherhood. Russian mob, Jax. Playing in the big leagues, you are.” 

Jax frowned, “I think you got your wires crossed, June. I don’t know any Russians.”

“Since the last time we spoke, I've found some new intel, Jax.” Stahl looked at him with glee, “Even if the IRA doesn’t pan out, I've got you.”

Jax frowned and shook his head, “What you got on me? I came to offer a deal for you to get the real IRA, not to antagonize, June.”

“Don’t fuck with me, Jax.” Stahl smirked and turned. She picked up her bag and fished out a file. “Proof that the Sons of Anarchy is connected to one of the largest weapons distributions in the world. The AUSA is preparing a case as we speak, and it will be glorious Teller. It will so beautiful. You will all be in prison for the rest of your lives.”

Frowning, Jax took the file.

“God, I thought you guys were small time, a minor gun-slinging biker gang.” She laughed. “But you, you have friends in high places Jax. I had no idea what a shark you truly are.”

 

Jax flipped open the file and was met with a series of images of himself with Isaak. “This proves nothing,” he dismissed her casually, even as his voice trembled slightly, stress and emotion welling inside him. He forced it down. 

“It proves there is a connection between the Sons and the Koshka Brotherhood. The most direct link you have to the Koshka's apart from being besties with the Koshka boss,” she gestured to the pictures, “Is your cooperation with one of their pinky-toe divisions, the Bratva's. You’ve been screwing the head of the Russian mob for years. Sirko might be persona non grata and nae untouchable, but you… you could bring the whole house down. I don’t believe you know nothing.”

 

“Isaak?” Jax asked, his voice slipping. He rubbed his wrist where his bracelet used to lay. He could see his pendant on the picture from Paris where his shirt was open. God, why did he feel naked without it? Jax inhaled deeply, trying to process. Isaak was a Russian mobster boss.

June studied Jax as a catalog of emotions flickered across his face. “Oh my god…” June whispered. “You didn’t know.” She chuckled meanly, “The little prince didn’t know the man nailing him was the Emperor.” 

Jax shook his head, “You’ve got to have the wrong guy. Isaak isn’t -”

“Ex-military? World class sniper? Russian business man? 6’4, gray hair, the most intense blue eyes… built like a tank and I’m sure he’s hung like one to… Snappy dresser and gay as a fucking fairly? Positively dreamy.” June taunted. As Jax didn’t shake off the wounded puppy look she realised he wasn’t playing. “You really didn’t know?” 

Jax sighed, “It doesn’t matter. We’re not…”

“You’re not together anymore? Not sure I believe that.” 

“Stahl, all I care about is my son. I know nothing about Isaak’s work or… anything he did when he wasn’t with me. The IRA has Abel in Belfast. I need to get him. Otherwise I’ll lose him. In return I’ll give you the Irish shot callers.”

“And Koshka?” 

“I don’t know shit about Koshka. Obviously I don’t know as much as I thought I did about Isaak either. My relationship with him was entirely personal,” Jax said slowly, forcing his voice to stay even.

“Well isn't that convenient? Once Isaak flips, the deal I was going to offer you is off the table,” She warned.

“There never has been, nor will there ever be any coalition between the Sons and the Koshka's. Isaak will not tell you otherwise, because it’s the truth.”

“I’m not sure I believe that.” June shook her head. 

Jax exhaled sharply, “I left him,” Jax said heatedly, “He beat the shit out of me, landed me in the hospital, in the ICU for days. Tara had to come get me cause I could barely conscious to walk.” 

“Seriously?” 

“Hale knew.”

“Hale?”

“Hale knew whatever Tara told him. He picked me up and drove me to the hospital. Tara said he made a report, but didn’t formally file it.”

June shifted and studies Jax. Fuck, the boy was too pretty for his own good. “All right. If your story checks out… I’ll make the deal. But I’ll need some assurance.”

“I brought assurances - and some good faith,” Jax said and gestured to his car. 

#


	20. 2.5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what is Isaak up to these days?

It seemed like George was genuinely surprised to see him. "Isaak," he greeted, "I thought you'd be busy with your tails for a while." 

"It seemed my tails were more that helpful. A man was killed in Victor's apartment. What a mess..." he cocked his head, studying his underling. "Now why would a hitman be after me, George?" he asked. 

"I don't know, Isaak?" George’s eyes flickered away, and Isaak immediately knew he was lying. Question was, would he redeem himself?

"Could it be that one of my trusted men thought I had become a liability to the Koshka brotherhood?" 

"Of course not," George hurried to say, "You're the soul of this organization." 

Isaak nodded. "If you say so. But no matter, I'll find out who ratted me out. Until then I think you will be excited to know I have secured a possible alliance with Miami metro." 

"An alliance?" 

"Dexter Morgan is quite the character." 

"I thought you wanted to kill him." 

"I killed his girlfriend instead." 

George gaped, "and now he wants an alliance?" 

Isaak frowned softly, "He has a unique skill-set I need. I have something he wants. We have reached a point of negotiation." 

"What does the lab-geek have that no one else has?" 

Isaak quirked a lip, "Well, let's just say that Victor was not the first person he made disappear without a trace." Isaak wasn't entirely sure exactly what it was Dexter did, but what he had done to Victor was too flawless to have been his first, or even second time. 

George paused, "I thought...." 

Isaak glared at the other man, "You thought what?" 

"Nothing. I was obviously wrong." 

"No secrets between friends," Isaak almost purred.

George sat down on his desk, arms crossed protectively over his chest, "Alright, please don't shoot me… it's kinda been a well known secret rumour that you and Victor… had some trouble. He was fucking everything in sight and you… I heard something dripping down the grapevine about a pretty blond something that had attached itself to you rather firmly." 

Isaak just stared at him. The Upper management of the Koshka knew, naturally, but he was slightly surprised to see details of his personal life drip down to the lower levels of the organisation as well. 

"Y'know," George squirmed, mistaking his silence for cluelessness, not shock. “People have been talking that you and Victor broke up, that you shacked up with a young and very pretty sub.” 

"And what did people think of this?" 

George shrugged, "Most didn't give a shit, the others were too well aware you'd flay them alive if they said anything… but I guess it wasn't true so it doesn't really matter," he rambled. "I mean -" 

"Victor and I were... reaching a natural end," Isaak interrupted him. "We were no longer attached." he lied. Victor was dead, there was not reason to let the cat out of the bag. George stared at him, brown eyes wide, certain his boss was lying. "But this matter with Victor is over now. The score is settled. It's time to move on," Isaak continued. Even if it made his heart ache like it was being cut open. 

"Man, I…" George hesitated. "I'm sorry…" Not just for the obvious, but for Victor fucking pretty much anything that walked while he was in Miami.

"George," Isaak pinned him down with clear green eyes, "Take comfort in that Mr. Morgan is a professional; it was quick and clean. Victor never knew." Never mind that he now was food for the fishes. How appropriate for a mob-member. 

George grit his teeth. He had to admit, it bothered him to see the otherwise so emotionless man struggling to keep it together, even as he pretended it was 'nothing'. The whispers about Victor and the boss was far more explicit than he had told the man. They’d heard them arguing, loudly, aggressively, about Isaak’s boy-toy. Apparently it had sounded like an argument they’d had several times. That guy had gotten out before they saw him, but had disappeared later on by the hands of a 'trusted adviser'- probably Jurg. "As you wish," he replied. 

Isaak nodded tersely, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment." 

A part of him, the most part of him hated Dexter Morgan with a passion that surprised him, but for weeks he'd been going mad with grief. He felt like he was losing his mind. He hadn't been able to separate if it was the loss of Victor or the loss of Jax that hurt the most. 

For a brief moment everything went blank. His heart didn't ache. His stomach didn't turn at the thought of his dead lover, at the memory of his hand meeting the side of Jax's face. The darkness in him wasn't screaming and raging for relief. 

Could he put aside his anger, the part of his that wanted to kill and slaughter, to curl up in bed and cry, for just few hours to give his mind a break?

#

 

Back in Kiev, Isaak sat at the head of the table with his council. 

“After considering the situation, I decided not to pursue the issue.”

“One of our own go missing and you decide not to pursue the issue?” Chekov asked. 

Isaak rubbed his brow. Chekov was one of the old-timers. He had been a Koshka about as long as Isaak had been alive. Isaak might be at the head of the table, but he knew that if he wanted to stay there, he needed to play ball and show that he owned the seat he sat it. “Victor killed one of our girls in Miami. If words gets out that our men are killing the women who travel to the US with us, our business will plummet. After killing the girl, he killed a highly respected police officer, which has had Miami Metro PD raining down upon our establishments. Victor has not gone missing, he faced retribution for his actions by the hand of a highly skilled killer. A man I had the privilege of coming to terms with, for the benefit of the Brotherhood.”

“Victor was killed? And you will not seek retribution?” Chekov asked, looking surprised. 

“That is correct.”

Chekov looked troubled, but at the same time, proud. “I would have thought retribution unavoidable, considering your long standing relationship.”

Isaak raised a brow, “You thought I would put my own vendetta above the interests of our Brotherhood?” He did not let Chekov answer. “Personally, I would very much like rain hell-fire upon Victor’s killer, but as it happens, the man can be a great asset to us if he is not our enemy. Had Victor’s death been a senseless action rather than consequences for his mistakes, I would be less forgiving, but Victor made his bed by being careless, reckless and impulsive. He met a swift and painless death. Unless anyone at this table contests my reasoning, I shall consider the matter done with.” No one spoke up, most of them happy not to stick their hand into the hornets nest. “What is next on the agenda?”

 

#

 

After the gathering Chekov caught up with Isaak. Isaak glanced down at his former mentor. “Today you showed great and admirable leadership. You made me proud today.”

“I am aware that there were stirrings in ranks because of my relationship with Victor. I cannot say I ever gave a shit.”

“Victor was a wild card. Not… loyal.”

“Careful Ivan. He might be dead -”

“Oh, Isaak. You know I speak the truth. Now that American boy I’ve been hearing about. The grapevine tells me he is rare sort of sweetness.” 

Isaak stopped in his tracks. Jackson. He’d been trying so hard not to think about Jackson. “I’m afraid that boy is not quite so enamored with me as the grapevine seems to think.” 

“Yes, little birds also told me your boy ran with a half black face and bleeding.” 

“Your birds tweet too much.” 

“Be it the death of Victor, or the absence of your boy that now has you unbalanced… you better get on top of it Isaak.” 

“You just said I cemented the council’s faith in me. Now you say I’m unbalanced.”

“Your head might be in the game, but your heart? Hm, I know you better than you know yourself. If you don’t get your heart on track, your head will eventually suffer.”

Isaak sucked his cheeks in. “I’ll take it under advisement.” 

“Take some time, Isaak. Given the state of your home-life, the table is in agreement, that we owe you some time to get it sorted.”

“I don’t need time.” 

“Then perhaps you can look into this property deal?” Chekov handed him a file. 

“I don’t to real estate.” Regardless, Isaak took the file. 

“Less the project, and more the locations,” Chekov said cryptically and sauntered off, cane in hand. 

Isaak flipped open the project and raised a brow. Charming Heights. With a low chuckle, he turned and saw Chekov was already gone. 

How had he know? 

Perhaps he’d check it out. It certainly would give him an excuse to be in the southern hemisphere.


	21. 2.6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isaak begins the task of building bridges between the powerhouses of Charming, carefully crafting his role as defacto referee and mediator.

   
  
  
#  
  
Jax wanted to fight pretty badly, but Tara had made it clear that he was not to engage in any violence if he could avoid it, especially boxing, as the fractures in his scull were only barely healed. Reopening the fracture could mean serious problems for him.   
  
“You not fighting?” Liam asked. “You too scared?”   
  
“Got a healing fracture,” he tapped his head, “Doc’s orders, I’m afraid.”   
  
“Right, I guess Opie is gonna have to take you place then, laddie,”   
  
“With pleasure,” Opie grinned rakishly.   
  
As Opie fought, Jax allowed himself to let his eyes wander. Ope had put on a lot of muscle in the past year, and it showed. Ope momentary took his eyes off of Liam and winked at Jax. Jax felt his face heat up.   
  
#   
  
He’d just come back from seeing Abel. His… new parents were good, normal people who weren’t fucked up like him. They weren’t violent or deviant like him. They could give him a better life than he could. “Goddamn Ope,” Jax hissed, frustrated as he pushed back. Opie was always so fucking gentle, but right now Jax didn’t want gentle. “Either fuck me, or get off,” he snapped.   
  
Opie growled, pissed. He grabbed Jax but the neck, his shiny soft hair in a fist, yanked his head back and slammed him onto his cock. Jax’s spine liquefied and he turn to putty in Opie’s hands. As Opie continued his punishing pace, he experienced something new; Jax was completely out of it. He was whining and mewing, not pushing back, but opening himself completely to the full power of Opie’s strength. He was lax but completely trusting of Opie’s harsh grip.   
  
Opie didn’t even notice that Jax had already come. As they sank to the floor, Jax still impaled in Ope’s lap, Opie noticed that Jax was trembling. “You okay?” he mumbled, out of breath. Jax made a weak noise in return. Opie held him tightly, keeping him immobile and pulsing around his cock.   
  
“We’ll get him, Jax.”  
  
No they wouldn’t.   
  
  
#  
  
  
Oswald was brushing down his horse when a limo came rolling down his driveway. A tall, gray haired man in an expensive looking suit stepped out.   
  
“Mr. Oswald.” The man walked up the stairs and approached him. “Isaak Sirko.”   
  
“Hale’s new investor.” Oswald frowned, “Got a lot of nerve showing up here.”   
  
Isaak raised a brow, “I must have missed something. Are you not one of the contractors?”   
  
“My land was turned eminent domain. I lost millions because of Charming Heights,” he said and turned back to the horse.   
  
“Ah. That explains the chilly demeanor.” Isaak sat down on the bench, arms stretched out, one knee crossed over the other.   
  
“What can I help you with, Mr. Sirko,” Oswald asked, not taking his eyes off of his horse’s shiny hide.   
  
“I am considering settling down in Charming. Wondered if you knew any good real estate.”   
  
“Not a real estate agent.”   
  
“I was thinking a fixer-upper. Perhaps built from scratch. Still need a good location. Contractor. Preferably local.”   
  
Oswald paused, “you trying to make friends?”   
  
“Would you slap my hand if I was?” Isaak asked.    
  
“How about we set up a meeting. Lunch. Talk details. Not promising anything,” Oswald gave him a glare. “For the jobs for my guys, not for you.”  
  
“Noted.”   
  
  
  
#  
  
  
Isaak entered the hospital room that Lumpy was in and saw Kozig sitting in the chair. “A sorry state you’re in,” he commented. He had frequented Lumpy’s Gym in the past few months, and come to appreciate the old mans presence. The man was Polish and had been rounded up by the Nazi’s. Isaak’s father had also fought in the war and had also been captured. He was one of the few that survived. Though he’d barely lived long enough to assist in his conception. Isaak supposed he was thankful for that.   
  
Lumpy grunted. “Yeah, well. Guess they can take the gym now. I ain’t gonna survive this.”   
  
“Oh don’t say that,” Isaak said and sat down. “You’re quite spry.”  
  
“I’m 97. It’s a miracle I made it to the hospital,” he huffed.   
  
“Don’t say that man,” Kozig lamented.   
  
“I have an offer. And given the situation I’d like you to hear me out before you decline.” Lumpy just scowled. “I would like to buy your gym, and keep it as a boxing oriented gym. I am willing to put in in a legally binding contract that I keep and run the gym as you intended for my foreseeable future, and when the time comes, to the best of my ability secure a new owner who will continue to run it like you have.”   
  
Lumpy swallowed, “You’ll keep it alive? Hale won’t win get it?”   
  
“Hale will not get it,” Isaak promised.   
  
“I can have Lowell draw it up,” Kozig said, “Club will make sure it’s up to snuff.”  
  
Lumpy nodded and Isaak made a sound of agreement. “May I suggest our lawyers cooperate? To secure the legacy sale. As I understand your lawyer is a criminal defense lawyer, primarily?”  
  
“Yeah, sounds good,” Kozig nodded. “I’ll see you out.”   
  
Isaak nodded pleasantly. “I wish you well, sir,” he said his goodbyes to Lumpy.   
  
Outside, Kozig stopped Isaak, “Look, if he makes it out of here, or if he doesn’t, how does that look like?”   
  
“Nothing changes. I will buy it, and preserve it regardless if he lives or dies.”  
  
“And you’re not gonna turn it into some hyper-modern gym or something?”   
  
“I might expand, but Lumpy’s gym will stay as it is, both practically, in spirit and in name.”   
  
Kozig nodded, “Why are you doing this man? We ain’t got much good history with foreign investors. There is usually a dark side to the kindness.”   
  
“I am here to oversee my investment in Charming Heights.”  
  
“And you never deal on the wrong side of the law?”  
  
Isaak smiled, “As I understand, your President, VP, Sargent and a few other senior members will be released in a few months?”   
   
“Yeah?”   
  
“I suggest we have a sit down. An introduction, an assurance of that I am here on peaceful terms.”   
  
“The last guys who rolled into to town… they hurt our mom - Presidents wife - our VP’s mother, they were responsible for our Vp’s kid getting kidnapped. Trying to stir hatred and race tensions in town…”   
  
Isaak nodded, “I understand your hesitance then. I know my assurance will mean little to you. I will do my part to be cooperative with the MC - within the boundaries of the law, to keep the peace in the city.”  
  
Kozig frowned, “You seem to know a lot about the MC.”  
  
“I knew Jackson once. He loves his family deeply.”   
  
“You’re friends with Jax?”   
  
“We did not part on the best of terms, but he will know I have no interest in causing the MC, nor causing Charming any trouble. I am a businessman, and I have little interest in politics. As a gesture of good faith, we can consider Teller-Morrow for maintenance contracts for the project. You came recommended by Oswald.”   
  
Kozig studied the taller man carefully. “I’ll bring it to the table.”   
  
  
  
#  
  
“I suggest we give the maintenance contracts for all vehicles to Teller-Morrow,” Isaak said.  
  
Hale stated at him, “Are you mad? License out to criminals -”  
  
“I checked thoroughly. They are the best qualified , they can undertake a project of this size and they’re local. Supporting local businesses through this project will be vital for its survival. As I understand, the Sons are a stick in your wheel. Make them a part of your wheel. If they’re working, they’re not causing trouble. The other garages are not qualified to work on anything but regular personal cars.”   
  
“They will never agree to that.”  
  
“Mother of the house is positive to the deal, and has agreed to a preliminary contract. Full contract when the build starts, pending her co-owner is in agreement.”   
  
“You will be dealing with them. I want nothing to do with Clay or his ilk,” Hale scowled.   
  
“Noted.”   
  
   
  
  
#  
  
  
  
“Sheriff Roosevelt,” Isaak smiled and got up from his desk, “What do I owe the pleasure?”   
  
“I’m afraid this isn’t a social call, Mr. Sirko.”   
  
“No?” He gestured to the chair, “Have a seat.”   
  
“I won’t be staying. I came to issue a warning. The Sheriff’s department is aware of you connections to the Russian mafia, and your record. We will be keeping a close eye on you.”   
  
Isaak nodded, “Understood. My assurance that my business here is legitimate and lawful will not mean much to you… so all I can say is that your warning will be heeded, and your concerns… noted.” He was beginning to say that a lot lately.  
  
“I appreciate the civility,” Roosevelt said. “I’ll see you around.”   
  
Isaak leaned back in his chair with a frown. That had not been unexpected. He supposed he should appreciate a sheriff that was a straight shooter.   
  
Personally he was more concerned with the incoming AUSA, than the sheriff.   
  
Perhaps it was time to reestablish contact with Jax? It would not be pleasant, and Isaak was dreading it. He had seen Gemma with Abel, and the boy seemed well. He wondered if his violence had scarred Jax. He wondered if that beautiful face was now permanently married by his anger.   
  
Gathering up his courage he decided to get the wheels rolling on that plan. It wasn’t like he could just turn up in visitation.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	22. PART THREE: 3.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jax and Isaak meet again.

*

“Teller! Visitation!”

Jax jerked awake as the guard shouted. “I’m not expecting anyone,” Jax muttered and turned over on his cot, groaning in pain as his stitches pulled. The Bratva crew had gotten him a nice reminder of their betrayal. Jax still thought it was worth it.

“Get up inmate,” the guard barked.

Jax sighed, “Aye, aye, boss.” He got up and let the guard cuff him. Unease prickled at his neck. It was not visitation hours and he had enough enemies for this to be a potential fatal situation. He clenched his hands to get his circulation going, shook his head to wake up. As they proceeded Jax realised that they were indeed headed towards the visitation area.

They stopped outside a room Jax hadn’t been to before. He frowned as the guard started taking his cuffs off. “Now I’m confused,” he drawled. “Am I not still considered dangerous?”

“The guy in there… apparently ain’t scared of you.”

Jax didn’t have time to reply before he was shoved into the room. As soon as he saw who was in there he started backing out of the room, but got the door slammed in his back.

Isaak was sitting on the bed in the corner.

Realising he was locked in, Jax put as much distance between them as he could. Isaak got a resigned look on his face, but accepted Jax’s decision to keep his distance. “Say what you came here to say.” When Isaak didn’t speak, Jax crossed his arms over his chest.

“I heard you got in some trouble with the Bratva’s upon your return from Ireland. You should have called me. I could have helped you with Abel.” Isaak’s eyes drifted over him. “You seem to be alright?”

“You care about my health, now?” Jax sniped.

“I was so clear on what I needed to say, but now that I am here, I seem to have lost my wits.” Isaak rubbed his palms together, “You have a way about you Jackson, you make me lose my mind.”

Jax looked away. “You flew half-way across the planet to tell me that?” he half-growled. Resentment brewed in his stomach, along with fear. “That’s what you’ve been telling yourself? I make you lose your mind?” his voice shook. He couldn’t tell if it was his anger that was making his vocal chords start being uncooperative or if the sight of his former… lover, just unsettled him more than he cared to admit. In prison he hadn’t had access to any of the meds Tara provided for him, so his nerves were a little frayed.

“I came to apologise. And to explain.”

Jax scratched his beard, a part of him really wanted to hear the explanation that justified his head being cracked open. And everything that had happened since. He had barely had time to breathe. But this was really not the time nor the place. Firstly, his head was not in it and seconds, he was not so naive to think that there were not anything recording their meeting or no one listening. He didn’t need his personal business running lose in the prison. “Not the time, nor the place Isaak It’s been nearly two years. Surely you could wait another month.”

“If I believed I would get another chance I would take it, but I know you are not keen to speak with me. I’m afraid I have not been completely honest with you. To be frank I did not expect to become as invested in you as I did… as I am.” Jax didn’t think he could get any tenser but Isaak’s words put him even further out on the edge. “I had a life-partner. Victor. Fifteen years.”

He’d been expecting some bullshit about wanting to keep business apart from his pleasure. Some excuse for not telling him he was a fucking Boss, capital ’B’ fully necessary. But that was not it. He hadn’t thought Isaak could fuck him up any more than he already had. Ice crept up Jax’s spine. He looked away, stubbornly keeping his eyes averted from the searching steel blue of his… Isaak. “Congratulations.” Isaak didn’t speak, leaving Jax to fill the silence with his thoughts.

Fifteen fucking years. Isaak had been a taken man since Jax was in Junior High. He noticed that his hands were shaking. All this time Jax had given Isaak everything of himself that he had to give- more than he ever thought he was capable of. He’d been so deeply in love with him. By the pain spreading in his chest, he knew he was still in love with him. But obviously, to Isaak he had been nothing but a piece on the side. A plaything to entertain him while the cat was away. Turned out, Isaak had never been his at all. God, had he misread the situation so profoundly? Or was Isaak just that fucking deceptive?

Jax gestured to the door, “You can fucking leave now.”

Isaak got up and approached him, “Sunshine-”

Jax exploded, “I’m not your fucking sun -” he stopped himself as he remembered the room was not soundproof. He lowered his voice to barely above a whisper, “I’m not your fucking sunshine,” he snarled, voice cracking.

Isaak reached out a hand to touch Jax’s cheek, but pulled back as if burnt when Jax flinched violently. Jax stepped back, “Don’t. You’ve lost every fucking right to touch me-” he hissed.

“Jackson…” Isaak sighed, his expressive eyes shining with sadness.

“No! You got what you wanted from me. Why the fuck are you even here? To see what’s left of me?”

“I’m so sorry-” Isaak reached for him again, this time to pull him closer. Jax didn’t step back in time and got caught in Isaak’s arms.

“Or do you save it for your new plaything?” Jax spat, his voice breaking with anger and hurt, too worked up to remember that their conversation most likely wasn’t private. He tried to tear loose, but had to surrender to Isaak’s superior strength “I can’t believe… I ever fucking loved you.”

Isaak tightened his arms around Jackson’s waist, pained at his admission, hearing what he had thrown away so callously. “Please listen,” Isaak pleaded, as pleading as a command from Isaak could sound, “You were never a plaything. I care so very deeply for you Jackson, never believe anything else-” Isaak’s eyes settles on the faint scar at Jax’s temple and cheekbone.

“It’s hard to believe much of anything with a grade three concussion.”

“When you came into my office, I had just received a phone-call informing me that Victor was killed. And I took my grief and my anger out on you, and for that I will never forgive myself.” Isaak lowered his voice, speaking quietly as he pleaded Jax to listen. But Jax didn’t want to listen. He wanted Isaak far away from him. Far away from his son. But yet, the heat from Isaak’s body was seeping through the harsh fabric of his prison uniform and into his body, and fuck if it didn’t make his bones melt. Even as his mind protested and struggled, he trembled with need as he longed for the warmth and safety he associated with this warmth. “What I did was unforgivable. I rejected you when you came to me. I hurt you, when you did only what I have pressed the importance of you doing so many times. I made you fear for your safety in the one place you should always be safe. I didn't check up on you when I should have, when I knew you were not well, because I was a coward, afraid to face what I had done.”

“You expect me to believe that?” Jax asked, his eyes glossy with tears. “After what you did- after making me think… fuck you made me think -” Jax struggled to breathe. Isaak’s strong hold turned to a firm embrace as Jax shook in his arms. He didn’t know what Isaak made him think. It was more a feeling than anything words could describe. He’d made him believe he could be safe. He’d made him believe he could lay himself bare and he utterly comfortable in his vulnerability. He made him believe that in one place in the world, with one person, he didn’t have to hide to protect himself. He’d made him believe he’d found refuge from the violence he lived with every day. That he could seek the pleasure of letting himself be taken and cared for, letting his lover into his body, with absolute trust and security. And now… not only had Isaak betrayed all of that… it all was a lie to start with.

“Jackson-”

“No,” Jax silenced him, “I’m trying to keep my fucking life together. Stay alive and get out of here. Raise my son, be a good son, and… I used to dream you could be a part of that, but…” Jax panted, his heart beating too quickly for his lungs to keep up. He pushed away from Isaak and once more put more space between them, trying to ignore the wounded look on Isaak’s face. “I’ve been trying so fucking hard Isaak. You ripped the ground out from under me and now you show up here and tell me that… everything, none of it was even real.”

“Everything was real,” Isaak growled.

“Right, do you even hear yourself? Not only did you put me in the fucking hospital, but you’ve also been with someone else all this time, half my fucking life you’ve been with -” Jax gestured.

“Victor.” Isaak supplemented.

“Victor, and everything I thought was real, isn’t, and I now I’m standing here wondering if I was fucking crazy… what the hell did I miss? I’ve been so blinded by you I can’t see the fucking forest for the trees-”

“You were not blind, Jackson-”

“And now you come here. Here!” Jackson exclaimed. “I’m serving a sentence I earned for saving my son. And I keep thinking, every fucking day since he was kidnapped, if I hadn’t been running around medicated to my fucking gills, I might have been fast enough to…”

Isaak was stricken by the hatred in Jax’s eyes. By the anger. By the sorrow.

“I nearly lost him, Isaak.” Jax whispered, “I nearly lost my boy because I-” Jax was cut off by hot lips covering his own. He was so stunned, he couldn’t tell if he feeling surging through him were fear, arousal or relief at feeling the comforting familiar heat.

Isaak’s legs weakened with relief as Jax’s lips parted, letting him deepening their kiss. Jax shivered, aroused and conflicted, angry and hurt. Isaak stroked his hands up and down his back, just the way he knew would make Jax’s knees weak. Jax broke away, panting. He leaned heavily on Isaak, his eyes filling with tears. “I love you Jax.” Isaak whispered. “If I could I’d take you away from here, you and your boy, marry you and raise Abel as my own. Give him all the best, away from all the dangerous things -”

“And how do I explain leaving my family?”

“Have you considered the truth?”

“And what truth may that be? That I’ve lied to my family? Made a habit of sneaking around? That I let a man put me on my back, put me in the fucking hospital? I don’t know what world you live in, but in my world, my brothers or my family knowing about anything concerning us doesn’t end in my favour. You live in a fucking romance novel, Isaak.”

“Does none of those truths include that you were in love?” Isaak shook his head, “My life is far from a romance novel, Jackson. I live in a world where I am at the top of the food-chain. Being in that position offers me the luxury of not giving a shit what some people may think of my extra-curricular activities. That luxury extends to the people I care for.”

“Operative word being were. And when it comes down to it, motivations don’t mean shit. Only actions and consequences matter.”

“Does it matter that I love you?” Isaak asked quietly. “More than I ever loved anyone?”

“Did it matter when you hit me? Did it matter when you lied… Perhaps it would matter, if I believed you.”

Isaak could feel Jax’s tears against his cheek. “How can I make you believe me?”

Jax shook his head,not lifting his face from Isaak’s shoulder. “I don’t know.”

Isaak pulled away and brought Jax’s face up to his own, “I’ll do anything for you. Name it, and it is yours. I’m not giving up on you.”

“You don’t have any power here,” Jax whispered. Isaak growled and crashed his lips down on Jax’s once more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	23. 3.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter, + a rant. I'm sorry about the length of it, as an apology I'll post an extra chapter tomorrow as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story had a rape warning, it's still there, and still relevant, but since I wrote that part of this chapter, and even before then, it has irritated me so much how rape is trivialised on screen, using it as a tool to drive the stories of anyone BUT the person it happens to. It is lazy writing, a cop out, an easy way to justify the trauma of a character that doesnt need much effort to construct. I have very mixed feelings about Gemma's rape. In the start I felt it was one of the few shows that actually dealt with rape as a serious issue, and we saw her deal with it her own way. But in the end, it turned out the writers had used it as a way to justify Jax and Clay to join forces. We knew from that start that Gemma's rape was never about her, but about the club - but even now, years later I feel that the show would have been better had they found a craftier way for C&J to make peace, than using a G's rape as the driving force behind their charachter development..
> 
> We also see Oswald's daughter raped, it also firmly established how the Club feels about rape. The show does better than most others: Gemma taked Mrs O. to task, making her realise her daughter should have to hide what happened to her. On the other hand, the entire plot was designed so that Clay would have blackmail on Oswald to be used to their advantage at a later time. We also see both Clay (successfully) and Bobby (unsuccessfully) using their positions of power to bully Cherry into sex when she doesn't want to- and it wasn't even about her, it was about showing Half-Sack his place. It just shows that what is percieved as rape ( assaulted by a stranger(s)), is what they consider rape, but bullying a young woman into sex, that's okay as long as it's them doing it, and not someone else. This is scarily accureate to the attitude of many men (and women, but distictly less so) I have known over the years. 
> 
> When Tara tried to take this issue up with Jax (after Ope cheated on Lyla with Ima), about how the club treats women, he snaps "don't judge us all-" But they, the elite of the club lead by example. They don't only look the other way, they actively facilitate and they themselves execute these actions - they bully, they beat, they cheat, they pimp and use women for their financial and personal gain. On top of it Jax has the audacity to be offended when Tara brings it up and says that behavious is a deal breaker for her - as if she doesnt have a good reason to enforce that point, as Jax cheated on her with Ima, and her life has been endangered by their careless actions (and Clay tried to kill her). As much as I love SoA, these are the points I hate it. (It's redeemed by that Charlie Humman is actually the one you see naked the most). 
> 
> It's complicated. It's cheap. It's lazy writing, because sex as controversy saves writers from having to think of something better. But at the same time, these things happen in real life. A lot. Every day. Every day shit like this - and much much worse, happens in real life, and we should be able to portray it in literature and on the screen. But I feel that most of the time sexual assault is involved, it is just a cheap shot and for the shock factor, not character development (this also applies to Otto and Juice. SoA was one of the very few shows that ever brought up male rape. But am I wrong when I think those were actually for the development of the charachter it happened to? whereas the others were to push someone elses plot?) 
> 
> I myself am very guilty of this. 
> 
> Reading some of my old stories, especially from my teens, I cringe, and cringe and cringe. I used the very same cheap shot to move a story along, without thinking at all about how it likely would have affected a person in real life. I glorified male dominant violence in a way that sometimes disturbes me to read/watch now. I learned from films, from Indiana Jones, from James Bond, from Star Wars. From Sons of Anarchy, that no didn't mean no as long as the guy was hot or powerful. The forcefulness was sexy - regardless of consent. That is what we're taught, that is what we're spoonfed from cradle to grave. Is it any wonder guys sometimes need a punch in the face before they realise that you actually meant it when you said no (personal experience). Han Solo kissed Princess Leah as she struggled to get away; his strength and virility was applauded - and countless many more examples teaches us that consent doesnt matter. 
> 
> And it pisses me off. 
> 
> And it pisses me off even more that sometimes I fall into the trap of the same fucking habit/conditioning/lazy writing, because I need to move the story along. Especially when dealing with something like BDSM and abuse, that line is so easy to cross. So I changed the story - Jax's story. I tried to do better. But I'm disappointed in myself that I wrote it at all. 
> 
> I actually used almost the entire word limit... damn.

  
#

Isaak traced the stitches at Jax’s ribs. “The Bratvas did this?”

“Retaliation for screwing them over to get the guy who stole my boy.” Jax said quietly. “It was worth it.”

“They’ll try to finish the job?”

“Probably. I made a deal for protection.”

Isaak sighed. “Will it be enough?”

“Only time will tell.” Jax got up, feeling the stiff ache in his hips, and pulled his prison blues back on. He felt Isaak’s eyes on him as he dressed. He reached towards him, but Jax shied away. “Don’t come again, Isaak.” He said quietly.

“Jax-”

“I can’t explain you being here. The guards here are corrupt as fuck. Just this… is gonna make my life harder in here. If word gets out… about this-” he gestured between them, “Then my life is pretty much over as I know it.”

“Do you love your life so much?”

“I might not love what I do, but I love my family more than I hate this life.”

“So you’re trapped. No way out. Everything… everything we’ve been through, everything we have -”

“We don’t have anything that could ever survive out of the shadows, Isaak.”

“I think you underestimate me, sunshine.”

“Money can’t smooth the road on this one, man-”

“But power can,” Isaak cut him off. He got up and started dressing. “I can make all your dreams come true, Jackson. All you need to do is follow my lead.”

“Following your lead got me a cracked scull.”

Isaak looked away. “Didn’t it bring you anything else?”

It was Jax’s turn to look away.

  
#

 

  
Agent Stellar was listening intently. He wasn’t surprised the Sirko showed up for a visit, but he was very, very surprised at what he had learned. It seemed that the relationship between the two men were not as simple as it seemed.

One would assume that when the Boss of Koshka Brotherhood and the VP of the mother chapter of Sons of Anarchy shacked up together that there would be some business related benefits to it all. Or perhaps that their intimate activity was a byproduct of business relations. He was very surprised when he understood from what Stahl had told him, that Jax Teller, until she had told him, did not seem to know that Isaak Sirko was anything but a wealthy business man.

He was surprised to know that there was - or had been, genuine love between the two.

He was surprised to know that Sirko was abusive to a point where he could put a man like Jax Teller in the hospital. Perhaps he wasn’t so surprised that Sirko was violent, but he was surprised that the formidable Jax Teller seemed to fear his lover to a point where he would run, rather than fight.

He was surprised that Teller was resisting Sirko’s advances.

He was surprised that Isaak Sirko was fighting so hard for him.

There was deep love and deep history between the two. But there were also great secrets between them.

Like Teller’s ignorance to Sirko’s life-partner Mr. Victor Baskov.

Young Mr. Teller was a man hopelessly in love. Teller knew exactly how hopeless his feeling were, both on account of the SOA, and he seemed to have lost all trust in his lover.

Understandably, Agent Stellar thought. Lesser lies, lesser actions had broken more solid relationships. But more importantly, he could use that insecurity. That type of insecurity ran bone deep and it affected your judgment and your faith.

  
#

  
“C’mon Teller, you know the drill.” After Isaak had left the guards came in. Jax held his hands forward to be cuffed again. “Bend over.” The guard pulled down his trousers and chuckled, “Look at that.” Jax flushed in humiliation. The guard pulled on a glove and shoved three fingers into Jax.

Jax flinched and grit his teeth, but didn’t make a sound.

“Dude,” he gestured to his colleague. “He got fucked good. You’re so wet and sloppy…” he chuckled. “I should check thoroughly. Your ass being as loose as it is… whatever he gave you could be pretty deep, uh?” He pulled out his hand and pushed it back in. “Oh, what a sweet sound. I get why he bothered to come here for your boy-pussy. I should fuck you. I’ve had my eye on your sweet ass for a long time. And now, you’re all lubed up and fucked already… there would be no evidence…”

Jax flinched as he guard breathed heavily down his neck. The other guard cleared his throat, “You should finish up. We’re late for rounds. Warden will have our asses.”  
  
He gave him a stink eye and just to prove a point, as he pulled out, none too carefully,the guard clawed into his prostate for good measure, laughing as Jax fell to the floor. “Look at that,” he examined the glove as he took it off. “No scat. Your ass really is a fucking boy-pussy. Take him back to his cell,” he told his colleague and stomped off, unhappy that he had been stopped from having any real fun.

  
#

 

Jax’s nerves were raw after Isaak’s visit, and deeply unsettled by the guard - he didn’t know how to feel about that. The check-up after conjugal was routine, but that… that had not been routine. All guards mouthed off, but some of them were willing to cross the line in big ways.

But apparently he was out of sorts enough for Bobby and Clay to notice that he was off kilter. He tried to focus on his meal, but Clay’s ice blue eyes were cutting into him. He sighed, “What?”

“You haven’t been right since your visitor. Who was it?” Jax sucked in his cheeks. “Answer me, Jax.”

“An old friend.”

“You’re evading.”

Jax seriously didn’t want to talk, and was saved by the bell- or rather, a member of the Bratva coming over. “I need to speak with your VP,” the man said.

“Your man’s knife did enough talking,” Bobby drawled.

The big Russian looked at Clay. Clay nodded, “Say what you need to say.”

“I am the new leader of the Bratvas in here. I am Peijic. The actions towards you and your club were not in line with our… upper management. They expressed their discontent at your injury.”

Jax shrugged. “It’s done. It’s over.”

“Now it is done. Now it is over,” Peijic said, a stern expression on his face. “I am here to make peace, and extend our protection.”

“We don’t need your protection,” Jax replied.

Peijic’s expression hardened. “Think about that.”

“I don’t need to.”

“Teller, you’ve proved your point. Two Bratvas are dead for it and I don’t doubt there will be more when you get out. Boss dealt with it personally. He mandated your protection, and if we do not obey, all of Bratva will will suffer the wrath of Vokle.” Peijic shook his head. He lowered his voice. “You have never seen his bad side Teller. If for nothing else, let us protect you. If you tell him we did a good job protecting you, I will owe you one.”

Jax stiffened. He had never seen Isaak’s bad side, uh? He gave a short nod got up. “Where are you going?” Jax was about to reply but instead doubled over and vomited.


	24. 3.3

  
“Who the fuck are you?” Jax drawled.

“Mr. Sirko came to see you.” Agent Michael Stellar sat down with a file in his hand. He started laying out pictures. Jax sighed as he saw himself and Isaak. He leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. Stellar smiled, “Yes, we have known of your… relationship for quite some time. Although, unlike you, we know Mr. Sirko quite well…” Stellar started laying out more photos of Isaak with other people. “Victor Baskov. I believe you know who he is. But Isaak is very flexible. “This is Andreja Peijic - Peijic’s cousin.” Stellar sighed, “Katerina, Sasha, oh, and this one is Vanya. Isaak likes Vanya. He spends more time with this one than with you. She is his secretary… amongst other things.”

Stellar studied Teller. Twenty nine years old. He really showed his young age when faced with Stellar’s pictures. Naturally, none of these people, apart from Victor Baskov, were known lovers of Isaak Sirko, but he let Jax make his own conclusions. “If it makes you feel better, you are the only one he ever claimed to love.” Stellar grinned. “But then… he is a deceitful man, no?”

Jax would have replied, but his entire body was shaking, and he did not trust his voice to be steady.

“Of course, you are also the only one he ever visited in prison. Your ass must be something special-” Stella clicked his recorder and Jax’s recorded voice floated through the room. Jax closed his eyes as he heard himself mewl and whimper and cry, and Isaak’s grunts and pants as they made lo - as they fucked. Of course Jax had known the room wasn’t private, he jut had not expected this. In the moment, it had truly felt like every second Isaak touched him, it was with want and love, with passion and adoration. It felt so real, but Jax knew, his eyes could see and his brain could understand the things he learned, but his heart just would believe what he wanted to be the truth.

Agent Stellar pressed the pause button. “Now now. No need to get emotional.”

“Fuck you.”

“I don’t do sloppy seconds,” Stellar shot back saucily. “But I’ll cut you a deal. You tell me everything you know about Sirko, and I’ll have your record cleared.”

Jax laughed. “Are you serious?” he giggled, but even as he laughed, tears slipped down his cheeks. “You think I know anything? I was his ass on the side. I thought he… I…” Jax chuckled, sounding both mad and desperate. “Y’know… nah.” Jax shook his head. “I ran for my fucking life, man. I’ve got nothing to give you.”

Stella pressed play on the recorder again. Jax heard himself plead with Isaak to grind his hip like - Jax flushed at the long drawn out moan that rang through the room. “You didn’t sound too afraid.”

Jax shrugged, a watery smile on his face “I guess it’s complicated. My dick and my brains don’t always agree. But my dick has gotten me nearly killed quite a few times, so…”

“I am keeping my eye on you Mr. Teller and… I suggest you get an STD panel in the infirmary.” Stellar rose and gestured at the pictures, “Never know where your man has been lately, Hm. I’ll even do you one better; I’ll keep your illicit affair our little secret. This -” he waved his recorder. “Is the only copy.” Agent Stellar paused as he approached the door, ”And that guard who assaulted you. I thought I’d let you know it has been taken up with all the right people.” He smiled rakishly.

#

Jax was taken from the interrogation room to the wardens office.

“Mr. Teller,” the warden greeted him.

“Warden.” Jax greeted in return, deadpan.

“After your conjugal visit,” the warden raised a brow as he read the document in his hand, “A guard assaulted you -” Jax sighed and looked away. He’d had far too many uncomfortable conversations lately. “He has been relieved of his duties and will be prosecuted by the state. The other guard is testifying, so you don’t need to.”

“I don’t get a say in this?”

“You’re a ward of the state, Mr. Teller. When my employees pulls shit like this, and I have evidence, I have to make an example of this. Don’t think I don’t know what goes on in my prison. Most of the time there ain’t fuck all I can do about it. This ain’t the first time this guard has… done what he did. It was just the first time anyone was willing to come forward.”

Jax sighed, “You realise… this shit in my file is worse for me than anything he did, or could have done.”

The warden looked sad, “I suspected.” He said. “Your name has been blacked out in the official rapport. But insurance demands you have a medical check up, STD panel, the likes.”

Jax sighed again. That would go into his medical file. “He just got grabby, he didn’t…” Jax trailed off. No, he hadn’t but it had still felt pretty fucking violating.

“I feel you, kid, but insurance protocol is crystal clear. The doc will see you in isolation infirmary. Bit more private.”

  
#

  
The rest of his time in San Joaquin County Correctional Facility passed uneventfully as the Russian crew barely left him alone to take a shit. To be honest, he was grateful for more than one reason when release-day came. But he was also anxious.

Clay had been persistent about finding out about Isaak, but he’d let it slide - for now. Jax knew that wasn’t going to last. Isaak was just waiting for an opportune- and private, moment to speak to him and he had a feeling he wasn’t going to wait long.

Riding back towards the club house gave him time to think.

He was anxious about Ope getting married. So much was uncertain about his life right now. Opie had been a stable point for him in a rough time, but now he would be a married man. He might not have cared much before, as Ope said Lyla didn’t care, but knowing what he knew now about Isaak’s past, he wasn’t sure he could stomach it. Just once, he wanted to be someones first choice.

He didn’t know how he felt about everything.

On one hand he was deliriously happy that Isaak was fighting for him. On the other hand, he was terrified of precisely that same thing.Excitement brewed in the pit of his stomach, while fear grew in his heart. He was afraid of many things. He was afraid for his family. He was afraid for his life. He was afraid for his reputation. He was afraid for his son. He was afraid for his club. He was afraid for himself. He was afraid to lose everything he knew and held dear. He was afraid that the Isaak he loved did not exist. He was afraid that the Isaak he was now learning to know after Stahl’s reveal was more dangerous than he had ever imagined anyone to be.

He was hopeful of a life where he could have a home where he could be himself, all of himself, and hide nothing. He wanted Abel to grow up seeing love and stability every day. He wanted his son to grow up in a life where bullets and drugs were not commonplace. He had dreamed that Isaak could offer some reprieve from his own world. But it turned out that Isaak was even deeper into his world than he could phantom. It seemed he had the choice of either never seeing Isaak again, or getting even deeper into the very world he was working towards leaving.

Both options made his stomach roll.

  
The End (of Part 3)

 

 

 

 

 

 


	25. PART FOUR: 4.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Koshka and SAMCRO finally meet.

“Real estate mogul Isaak Sirko wants a sit down,” Kozig said. “Wants to assure SAMCRO that he’s good with the way things are run here. That he’s not a repeat of Zobelle. He’s been good to the town. When Hale’s goon beat up Lumpy, he visited in the hospital. He bough the gym with contingencies to continue it the way Lumpy did. Lumpy died knowing his life’s work wouldn’t be demolished. That’s a plus in my book.” 

“How’d he bond with Lumpy?” Tig asked. The old Polish guy wasn’t one for the warm and fuzzies. 

“World War Two shit. Apparently Sirko’s dad served somewhere around where Lumpy grew up,” Kozig shrugged. “Some research revealed that Sirko is also a Russian mob hot-shot. Thank Ope for insisting on the background check.”

“So he’s Bratva?” Clay asked. 

“Koshka,” Jax said quietly. 

“Yeah, he mentioned you two knew each other way back?” Kozig remembered. 

Jax nodded, “Didn’t know he was connected back then. Stahl mentioned it.” 

“Why would she mention it?” 

“She thought the Sons had a working relationship with the Koshka Brotherhood. She tried to push me on it.” 

“And?” 

“Realising anything I might know about Koshka would be worthless compared to our knowledge and connections with the Kings… None of her intel said otherwise, so… she was happy to leave it at a sure thing, than risking losing it all on a… white whale.” 

“How does that affect our relationship with the Bratva?” 

“Bratva answers to Koshka,” Jax said. 

“So the Russians wants a sit-down. Preferably today.” Bobby said. “I think it'll be wise to take the offer. If we make peace with Koshka, Bratva might not be an issue.”

“How does everyone feel about that?” Clay asked. “That they’re requesting a sit-down before the wedding… I don’t know what that says but -”

“It says Putlove doesn’t know about it,” Jax injected. 

“Seems like the smart thing to do,” Chibs said. He noticed the tense expression on Jax's face. “Unless there is something we don't know?”

“With their involvement with the League and the Mayans… that bloodshed man…” Tig reminded them. 

“Nothing that is relevant to the club,” Jax said.

“We've gotten by on shakier grounds,” Clay said. “It's worth hearing them out. If nothing else, make it clear that Charming is off limits for any non-legit business. We’ll go heavily armed. Make sure there is not retaliation.”

 

#

 

“You're tense. Ope said. “Something on your mind?”

“Just this meet,” Jax replied.

“Russians make you this anxious?” Opie hadn’t had the fortune of running into Isaak Sirko. A part of it was purposeful. He didn’t know what he’d do if he’d even met the man one-on-one. 

“Never know how it will turn out.”

“At least it ain't the Irish. That shit is just predictably sour.” 

Jax nodded, agreeing. Arriving at the rendezvous point, there were already people there. Jax was relieved to see that Isaak was not there, although he thought he might vaguely recognise one of the men.

They spoke in Russian, so the Sons didn’t pay much attention, but Jax understood and he was furious. “Looks like we are negotiating with the Volke’s kitten,” the Russian drawled to the man next to him, giving Jax a long appreciative look. “Perhaps boss will share him,-”

Jax, understanding Russian well enough to know what he said - not that he had to speak Russian to understand that look. He whipped out his gun and with a satisfying two presses of his trigger finger, blew out the man's knee caps. The Russian crew drew their guns, as did the Sons. “I dare you,” Jax snarled. “I fucking dare you to test my patience.” His pronunciation was broken and choppy, but he got his point across; he understood them, and he was not afraid of whatever Isaak would think of the culling his herd. 

Their stare-down was interrupted by the arrival of a sleek black car that Jax recognised. And Isaak looked as beautiful and intimidating as always. Walking to he middle of the stand off, Isaak merely raised a brow at the whimpering man on the ground. He looked questioningly at the Sons.

“Jackson,” Isaak greeted, his eyes flickering to the injured man on the ground. “You started without me.”

“Teach your dogs some manners before you bring them to the playground,” Jax snapped. 

A man stepped up and whispered in Isaak's ear. Isaak muttered. “Well, his sets us off to an awkward beginning. I was hoping for a pleasant afternoon.”

“I'm sorry for this,” Clay started. “Things escalated-”

“No apologies necessary,” Isaak replied as he accepted a gun from the same man whom had told him what happened. Without even looking down, he shot the man on the ground, single bullet to the head. He handed the gun back and wiped off his hands with a white silk handkerchief. “It seemed my man forgot we were guests, and should behave as such. In my absence, the behavior of my men reflect upon me. It’s seems he was an ill fit for this work-environment.” 

“Clay Morrow,” Clay introduced himself.

“Isaak Sirko,” Isaak replied.

Ope frowned and looked between Jax and Isaak. He noticed how Jax wasn’t even trying to hide his glowering, and the Russian Boss’s expressive eyes flickering to their VP and regular intervals. It was painfully obvious that Hale had been right. Would Jax be so aggressive if it wasn’t? The man stood minutely taller than Opie, and noticeably more solidly built. Even as he was older, looked to be in his early fifties - though that was not easy to tell as he seemed to be a silver fox, that man was built for destruction, even as he wore a suit that probably cost as much as his bike. 

“We appreciate the truce in county. I got the impression it came down from above Putlova.” 

“Consider it a gesture of good faith. Putlova overstepped his position in dealing against the Sons, and thus, against the interests of the Koshka Brotherhood. Being the only true gun-source for California, your organization has become the de-facto referee for any inter-gang politics. The Koshka has legitimate business in this region, but we know that due to the nature of our other enterprises, steps must be taken to ensure peaceful coexistence. In that endeavor, olive branches are necessary.” 

Opie raised a brow as the Russian boss’ eyes briefly flickered from Clay to Jax once more. Definitely Jax’s Isaak. 

“Exactly what kind of peaceful coexistence are you looking for?” Clay asked.

“The investment in Charming Heights is strictly speaking not a Koshka investment. It is a personal one. But due to my position within the organisation- and your previous experience with foreign entities, some confusion, and perhaps some overlap, may arise. I asked for this meeting to assure you that none of the official, less legal Koshka business will touch Charming. I am aware of your policy to keep such dealings outside of the borders of your town. We intend to honour that tradition.”

Clay nodded, “that is good to hear. But we ain't really keen on this modernizing Charming deal. Building shit no one in Charming can afford.”

“Ah yes, Elliot Oswald aired some similar concerns and also predicted some of your concerns. I am aware of how ingrained the Sons are in Charming, and that your influence is not something to be discarded. As such, a percentage of the complex will be dedicated to Charming as affordable housing, prioritising families and those with dependents.”

“How much of a percentage?” Jax asked, interrupting him. Clay gave him a look, but as the Russian Boss didn’t seem irritated at the interruption, he let it slide.

“There is a whole chapter on the divisions and types of state-funded housing, and gifts to the country offered in the project outline.”

“How gracious.”

“It is a way of giving back to a warm and welcoming community -” Isaak smiled, not phased by Jax’s hostility. He had expected it. He accepted the thick folder handed to him. “This is the project outline. Oswald suggested Teller-Morrow for maintenance. I will drop by with a first draft of contracts should you be interested. After you’ve looked at the plans, naturally. You wife seemed amendable, but advised this meet before formally making the offer.” 

Clay was a little stunned. Gemma had told him of this, of course, but hearing a Boss admit to taking advice from a woman was a little unexpected. But then, Gemma was also nothing if not a surprise. This was not how he expected the meet to go. But even as everything was going swimmingly, Jax radiated tension next to him. “I hope this can be the beginning of a mutually profitable and peaceful future,” Isaak smiled charmingly in response to Clay. His eyes flicked to Jax. He could see that Jax could see straight through all his charm and slick business talk. “But basic rules, non negotiable: No violence, no drugs, no gun-trade within Charming borders, that is the law of the land. We don't shit were we eat,” Clay said. “We like to keep the peace with local authorities, especially as we were just released, and have close eyes upon us.”

“Reasonable.” Isaak nodded. “If I may have a brief word with your heir-apparent in private?” He made a small move to dismiss his men.

“Not sure that's a good idea,” Ope injected. Isaak could swear the younger man's eyes was cutting into him with their intense distrust.

“No retaliation for your man?” Clay asked. Isaak nodded. The Sons retreated to a distance where their VP and the Russian boss could speak in private.

Ope muttered. “There is history there, Clay. Bad history. I ain't sure getting in bed with these guys is a good idea.”

“Sirko did say things didn’t end on good terms between them,” Kozig offered. 

“He came in peace,” Bobby said. “Considering Jax just kneecapped one of his guys, that’s big of him.”

“He just killed his own guy. He might be puking rainbows now, but you think he doesn't have ulterior motives?” Ope asked. “You don't become a Boss without playing the long game. Charming Heights is a means to an end, not his objective, I promise you that.”

“To what end?” Bobby snorted.

“Jax.” Ope said. And gestured to the two men stuck in a tense conversation. “He's here for Jax. I can feel it in my bones, Clay.” 

Clay just shrugged, “I’ll keep an eye open, Ope,” he acknowledged. He agreed with him that Sirko was a shark, but if target was Jax… he didn’t really see the purpose. 

 

#

“You’ve got some fucking nerve,” Jax sneered. 

“Indeed, I have to have a lot of it when dealing with all that is my life,” Isaak smiled pleasantly down at the man he loved so dearly. 

“Really, what do you want?”

“You, of course.”

“I’m not for sale,” Jax growled. 

“Everyone has a price. Something that can be traded for a second chance.” 

“You didn’t lose me, Isaak. You broke me.” Jax’s voice rose. “Gluing me back together in your image ain’t gonna fix shit.” He hissed angrily. “If anything, everything is worse than ever.” He gestured widely, pissed. “You just parade in, tell me I’m your ass on the side, and leave me to sit with that? What!?” Jax asked. “What did you expect? That I magically understand why you flipped your shit and beat me bloody? I’m fucking conflicted because I feel like I got cheated on, but I can’t even have that, cause I was the one you cheated with. This conversion is fucking over. Build your shit, but stay the fuck away from me. And my family.”

“Jackson-”  
“And this is the only graciousness you get from me: Putlova and all his men will be target practice for me and my new toys. They’re the entertainment for Opie’s wedding. You better make funeral arrangements. And stay out of my way.”


	26. 4.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jax seeks refuge in Tara’s friendship and advice.

 

#

Later that day Jax dropped his kutte on the couch and headed into the kitchen where Tara was feeding Abel. The woman was fucking saint for helping him out so much. It came to a point, Jax knew, that in some ways, Tara was a better friend than Opie.

Jax felt a pang in his chest as he thought about Donna. Fuck he missed her. There was no politics with her. She didn't give two shits about the club. He trusted her, he could talk to her in a way he couldn't talk to anyone else. In that was, Tara was a lot like Donna. He knew damned well most thought she was on her way to becoming his Old Lady. He didn't mind people thinking that. He didn't want to use her like that, but he supposed it was a win-win as long as they didn't lie. No one got on Jax's case about not screwing sweetbutts, because if Tara was his lady, the guys understood he wouldn't risk his balls to her wrath. And Tara got more sway in the Club. Not that she needed it, but it was nice seeing people respect her more. She had Jax Teller’s balls in her fist after all: she had to be a force to be reckoned with. “A package came for you earlier,” Tara said. “I didn't open it. Looked personal.”

Jax sighed. He recognised the wrapping instantly. What could he say, Isaak had a thing for purple wrapping paper. Jax opened the box. It was his watch, along with a note.

Jackson,

This is yours, regardless.

Love,

Isaak.

Jax inhaled deeply. He nodded shortly to himself. Tears pooled. Alright.

He had no idea how to feel about that.

“You okay Jax?”

“I’m fine…”

Tara cocked her head, “You don’t look fine. That from Isaak?”

Jax nodded, “Yeah.”

“You should throw it away.”

“This thing could put Abel through college several times over.”

Tara paused, “How many times over?”

“Half a million dollars… he had it special made.”

“If I didn’t know what he did to you, I’d say that is a pretty amazing gift.”

He shook his head and sighed, suddenly tired. In one simple gesture, Isaak had secured him and his son financially. Thoughtfully he rubbed his cheek. It no longer hurt, but he had a scar to remember it by.

Tara sighed. “Jax… I know this is hard for you. I’ve been where you are… with Kohn…”

“Don’t… Tara.” Jax sighed. “Don’t compare Isaak to-”

“Jax-”

“I’m not making excuses for him, Tara. I haven’t forgotten what he did. And I won’t. But that was all he did. He hasn’t stalked me, or threatened to kill or rape me. He’s not unstable.”

“Anyone who injured someone they love like that is unstable, Jax.” Tara was so sad for what Jax was going through. “If you go back to him… the two of you will be like Clay and your mom. She pretends she has a say, but when she disobeys him, he beats her bloody. Especially now that Isaak is here…”

Tara was right. He could not even consider accepting any kind of apology until he sorted his own shit out. He wiped his tears. He needed to find his own feet without Isaak once more. But until then, until he didn't always see himself in relation to his partner, former partner, it was not a possibility. Watch or no watch. He knew it had not been Isaak's intention, but Jax could not be bought. His affection, his love and his trust could not be bought. And while he gave himself to Isaak completely, if he compromised himself now, he would be giving away more than his body, love and trust, he would be giving away his soul.

Tara had turned to the kitchen counter, putting away the dishes.

“He came to see me.”

Tara paused. “In county?”

“Yeah.”

“How did he know? Did you tell him?”

“He… has contacts.”

Tara turned around with a frown, “What kind of contacts?”

Jax rubbed his face, “Turns out being a business man in Russia does not entail quite the same things as being a business man in America does…”

“Explain.” Tara crossed her arms over her chest. So far, all she had seen of Mr. Sirko in Charming, he seems like a straight-laced business man, despite his unconventional tastes.

Jax bit his lip, hesitant to tell her as he knew how she would react. “He’s the head of the Russian mob.”

Tara gaped. It took her a few seconds to wrap her head around what Jax had just said. “W-what?”

“Yeah…”

“And you’ve kept that a secret from me?”

“I didn’t know. I didn’t know until Stahl told me just before we left for Ireland. He got me protection on County.” Jax chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. “I couldn’t even take a shit on my own.”

Tara glared at him, “You slept with him,” she accused. Jax was about to protest, but she cut him off. “Don’t even. I can see it on your face.” Jax snapped his mouth shut. “Jax how could you be so irresponsible,” she shouted. “How could you put yourself at risk like that - make him believe you’ll take him back?”

“I told him not to come back -”

“Really? Was that before or after he fucked your brains out, because you don’t seem to have any functioning in your head! Next time it might be Abel’s skull he cracks open!” she hissed.

Jax sat down, strangely more tired than he’d ever felt. “I don’t know… I just got so caught up in the moment. I love him so much, Tara,” he said with no trace of pride, just desperation. “All I want is to be near him. At the same time… I’m afraid.”

“Afraid he’ll hurt you?”

Jax shook his head. “I’m afraid I’ll lose my family, my club… my reputation… whatever it’s worth…” Tara looked away, saddened. “I wanted a life with him so badly. Away from all this shit. Give Abel a life that didn’t include kidnapping and bullets flying around his head.”

“And you still want that,” Tara supplied tersely. “So now what? You marry your mob-boss lover and run off into the sunset?” Jax looked at Tara sadly. Tara sighed, “I’m sorry for giving you a hard time Jax… but I’ve seen what he does to you when he is happy, and I’ve seen what he’s done to you when he’s angry. I’ll always have your back, but… you need to look after yourself as well. What if next time that blow lands a new inches north and he gives you permanent brain damage? If he’d hit your temple, you could have died.”

“I don’t know what to do…”

Tara sighed, “Well… you better figure it out, because he’s in Charming and from what I’ve seen, he’s planning to stay.” Jax groaned and let his head fall into his hands. “Have you talked to Ope about this?”

Jax shook his head, “No.”

Tara bit her lip, thinking of Ope’s strange behaviour before they headed to Ireland, “Jax… you would tell me if there was someone else, right? You know I’d support you?”

Jax looked at her strangely, “I know Tara.” But that wasn’t something he could think about. Opie was getting married tonight. And Jax had to stand up there and smile at Lyla, knowing he had slept with her husband. Fuck, that made him nauseous. Seemed like always, good enough to fuck, not good enough to love. He got up, “I’ve got to go. I can’t thank you enough for looking after Abel.”

“I love the kid, Jax,” she smiled. “And I love you.” Jax paused. Tara continued, “I hope you know you’re family to me. You and Abel. And Gemma. You’re all the family I have.”

Jax swept her into a hug, “I know Tara. I love you too.”

  
#

Jax had no words for how embarrassed he was.

The hot water was beating down on him pleasantly as he showered, even though he could barely feel the water as he was still feeling echoes of pleasurable pain pulsing through his body.

He wanted to hate him.

He wanted to hate him for making what they had together so twisted and wrong.

In that last scene, when he went under it felt like he'd been sucked into a vacuum, like he was in a wind-tunnel. He felt like he was flying. Stuck under water. He'd felt like he'd been outside of his own body.

Even now he felt like the ground was rocking as if they were on a boat out at sea. His skin was tingling. His entire body had been so sore from the masses of hormones that had been rushing through him. The most incredible subspace he'd ever had. It was the most incredible scene he'd ever experienced.

His pride was screaming at him for even considering it, for even considering going back… but every fibre in his being screamed for Isaak. His body and his pride were screaming in intervals, and his brain didn’t know which to listen to.

  
#

  
The following afternoon Jax sat sipping a beer in the parking lot at TM, deep in thought. He hated being in his head like this, unable to actually do anything to better his situation, or ask for help. The only thing he could do was wait until the war came to him.

He’d had his emotional breakdown and venting with Tara - god bless her - now it was time to get his shit together.

Opie sat down next to him and stretched out in the setting sun like a lazy cat. “What’s on your mind, man?” Jax just raised a brow at him. “Don’t give me that look. You haven’t been right since you got out. Bobby says you’ve been acting cagey and Tara is watching you like a hawk.”

“Ain’t nothing…”

“I might have been in prison for most of my marriage, but I’ve been married long enough to know when someone says nothing and fine, abso-fucking-lutely nothing is even remotely fine.” Jax laughed, knowing Opie was right. “Did it have something to do with the Russians?” Ope asked, “They were falling over themselves to lick your ass last night. It got the guys curious. Russian protection on the inside. Gotta say that surprised me, considering everything that went down.” Opie studied Jax, seeing that his best friend was thinking about what he was saying, “I think you did what you had to do to make sure the club didn’t suffer any more casualties on the inside, and now you’re in a debt that you don’t know how to pay off,” he theorized, wondering if Jax had contacted his old lover for aid in exchange for something. Finally he got a reaction from Jax.

“No man,” he shook his head.

Ope looked doubtful. “If that’s the case, then why are you so fucking tense?”?

Jax scratched his beard, eyes shining with anguish and conflicted emotions. “He owed me one. Paid up of his own violation after I got stabbed. It wasn’t debt I was ever gonna cash on.”

“Why not?” Ope sighed to himself, wondering when Jax was gonna stop lying to him.

“Because he wasn’t someone I ever wanted to…”

Opie cocked his head, “Complicated history?”

Jax gruffed, “You could say that.” He lit a smoke and took a deep drag. Despite the stony expression on his brothers face, Opie could see Jax’s hands shaking. Ope took his hand and squeezed it. Glancing around, he brought it up and kissed the back of Jax’s hand. Jax snatched his hand away. “Don’t do that,” he muttered. “You’re married.”

Opie cocked his head, “Lyla don’t mind.”

With everything he had learned about Isaak and his partner Victor, Jax already felt like his skin was paper-thin. Never again would he put himself in that position, even if Lyla didn’t mind. Jax shot him a sharp look, and Opie was taken aback at the angrily wounded look in his best friends eyes as he snapped, “I mind.”

Opie sighed, “This got something to do with your ex rolling into town?” Jax looked at him in surprise. “Oh don’t you dare give me that fucking look, Jax. I saw the way he looked at you. Isaak Sirko”

“How the fuck did you know?”

“I’ve got eyes,” Ope said, as if it was obvious. “I know you Jax.”

Jax sighed and pulled his hair out of his face. “I don’t know what to do, Ope.”

“I get that. Just know you got me.”

“He… he had someone else,” Jax whispered. “They’d been together for fifteen fucking years, and I… I didn’t know.” Jax just looked away. “And I… I can’t deal with more of that.”

Ope nodded to himself, seeing the pain Jax was feeling. “Look, man. When I said Lyla don’t mind. I meant it. I didn’t cheat on her. What happened between us, she knows.”

“So what. As long as you fuck guys, it doesn’t count?”

Ope yanked Jax closer, refusing to allow him to close up and pull away, “She don’t mind because it’s you. Because it’s you and me, and we’ve always been a package deal. She always knew that.”

Jax snorted, “Not like this.”

“I know. And if you’re not there, I get that. I accept that. If it was just a release in desperate times, I accept that. But don’t fucking think you stood up there with me yesterday, somehow having wronged her, alright. I get that with your shit with Isaak that it’s a sore subject, but if you ever doubt, mi casa, es su casa. That ain’t ever gonna change.”

Jax trembled. Exactly why, he did not know, but Opie’s words warmed him and the ground felt a little steadier beneath his feet.

 

#


	27. 4.3

Summary: Isaak wants to finish their conversations.

  
#

  
Isaak was scowling at his phone. He had been calling Jackson every day after the meet, and he was not picking up. He wasn’t just not picking up, he was outright ignoring him. Every call went to voice-mail. If he didn’t know exactly how tenacious Jax was, and exactly how he could hold a grudge, he would be worried.

But he was worried.

He was worried because the image of blood on his bedroom floor was stark in his mind. Because the scent of vomit still wafted past his nose when he closed his eyes. But it was nothing compared to the sting he felt across the back of his palm when he struck him. Or the shocked expression on his face.

The fear.

And the way he had slowly backed out of his office, like he was fleeing a predator.

A predator.

Isaak sighed heavily. He had earned his nickname ‘the wolf’. He was alpha of a vicious pack of predators, and even if Jax was a wolf in his own right, he was still a cub when running with Isaak’s pack. And Isaak, the biggest baddest alpha, had taken a bite out of the smallest newborn cub that didn’t even know the nature of his pack as anything other than family.

It was a sour bite.

The analogy of the Koshka as a wolf pack or a pride of jungle cats had always served to strengthen them, to harden them. But now it only made him feel ashamed. Even the most predatory animals protected their young. It made Isaak nauseous to think of what that made him… more savage than animals that would eat their prey while still alive.

#

 

Jax giggled as a crow-eater nibbled on his ear, her breath tickling her neck. He glanced up as the atmosphere in the bar suddenly changed as the door opened. He glanced over his shoulder. The colour drained from his face. Fuck, all his blood drained right down to his legs, making him feel lightheaded, numb and… irrationally scared.

He pushed the crow-eater off his lap and stood up. His brothers looked at him for guidance. The men who had entered were not harmless looking, but not their usual brand of dangerous. The tallest man, wearing a light gray suit and the men around his looking like the Men in Black didn’t seem to be bothered by the guns aimed at them. Like armed men in black.

Isaak.

“The fuck are you doing here?”

Isaak looked around at the men standing around and in front of Jax, hands on their firearms. “I come in peace,” he slipped a hand into his pocket, quite intentionally adopting a relaxed unaggressive pose. “Our last conversation did not end on a favorable note. Is there somewhere we can speak in private?”

“I don’t have anything more to say to you,” Jax fought to keep his voice steady and took a sip of his beer.

“But I have some things to say to you, Jackson.”

Jax recognised that tone. That was Isaak telling him subtly that this conversation would happen, be it the easy way or the hard way. Jax had a feeling the hard way might be a little harder than Jax was prepared to deal with, given their current company. He gave a short nod and headed towards the Reaper table.

Opie got in his way, “Jax…” he said with warning in his voice.

Jax didn’t reply and pushed past him. Opie barely bit back a snarl as Isaak didn’t even glance at him as he passed. Jax closed the doors as Isaak entered. Jax watched as Isaak sat down in Chib’s chair. Jax exhaled sharply, “You couldn’t fucking call?”

“I did. But you don’t seem to answer your phone…”

Jax looked away. That was right. He’d thrown away the phone Isaak had given him. That had been his only personal phone. All the others were burners or in his mother’s name. “We use burners.”

Isaak nodded, “I gathered.”

Jax glanced out the windows to the main area in the bar, noting that Isaak’s men had placed themselves between the door and the rest of the SOA crew. He sighed and chewed his cheek. He looked at Isaak. He stuck his head out the door. “Would you all fucking relax? Get them some beer or something. It’s like a hundred degrees outside.”

  
“Very kind of you,” Isaak said. “Always the gracious host.”

  
“How the hell am I supposed to explain this?” he asked, peeved. “I told you to leave me the fuck alone.” Jax pinched his brow, “How the fuck you can reduce me to this fucking mess.” He dropped down in his chair, suddenly exhausted.

“I figured you’d appreciate the semi-public arena, rather than me showing up at your home. We have tendency to get distracted by each other.”

Jax scowled at him. “What do you want?”

“You.”

“Not on the table.”

Isaak resisted the image in his head of Jax spread out beneath the reaper. “The gift of some of your time, then,” Isaak said softly, “A chance to answer the questions you must have.”

“I don’t have any questions. It’s pretty obvious what happened; you’re a liar, and I fell for it.”

Isaak bit his tongue, literally biting back a reprimand. “What can I do to earn some of your time?”

“You can’t. It’s not just about me anymore Isaak. It’s about Abel. I can’t leave here to be with you like before and I sure as fuck wouldn’t even consider it, or take him with me ever again. I don’t have any time to give you.” Jax looked away, sad, tired and teary-eyed. Rage hadn’t worked. Running hadn’t worked. Ignoring him hadn’t worked. Perhaps a plea would work. “I can’t tell you to leave, but please listen to me when I ask you to not come and see me again. I don’t want this anymore.”

“Jackson-” Isaak pleaded.

“No.” Jax said firmly, even though his voice shook.

Isaak chewed the insides of his cheeks, and stared vacantly at the wall for a few seconds before he rose. “Very well.” He buttoned his jacket as he rose, “In the future, please refrain from using my development as your dumping ground. It is in all our interest that my business be completed as rapidly as feasible.” He opened the doors wide and snapped at his men in harsh Russian.

Jurg stepped forward with a thick envelope in his hand, “Mr. Morrow. The promised draft of your contracts.”

Clay accepted the envelope with a frown on his face. As the Russians piled out of their bar, he looked towards Jax, whom was sitting in his seat at the table, looking sad and defeated.

  
#

The following weeks continued much like usual. Their drops went like usual, banter went like usual. The only thing that changed was that Jax’s smiles were rarer and rarer. Ever since his conversation with Isaak, he felt like ice had settled in his stomach. Isaak was right. He had so many questions that he had no other way to answer than to talk to him.

He wasn’t strong enough to do that.

His best friend had a special sort of animosity towards Isaak, and while Jax kind of understood where it was coming from, he was growing tired of it. But perhaps it was all in his head. A lot of things he had thought was real had turned out to be just in his head.

The bike-convention up in Tuscon was a good cover to check up on their sister-charter and set up the run for the cartel.

They stopped at a gas station to fill up and get some snacks for the road. Jax stretched, his legs stiff and aching. Tig teased him relentlessly, but Jax just flipped him off.

“You got nothing to say?”

“Not quite sure who I’m talking to anymore.”

“Wow,” Jax shook his head, “That’s deep man,” he taunted sarcastically and picked a few chocolates off the shelf.

“Not really.”

“When you were inside, what did you think about?”

Ope glanced at him and sighed. “Donna. The kids.”

Jax nodded, “Me too man. The whole time.” he agreed. “Abel, Abel, Abel. I want a better life for him. Be a better father. Don’t want to live hand-to mouth.”

“And slinging dope was your solution,” Ope snorted. “I had your back cause I trust you Jax, but this shit… it’s above our pay-grade.”

“Cashing in big was my solution. Look, I know running with the cartel is serious shit, but they’re protected -”

“No, Jax. You’re protected.” Ope whispered harshly. “You don’t need to cash in, Jax. Your sugar-daddy will give you everything you need, if you just wave your tail at him.”

Jax stopped and stared at his… brother. Opie’s words stung deep. “Did you seriously just spit that at me?”

Ope sighed. He knew that was out of line, but he didn’t apologise. Ever since Isaak came back, Jax was pulling away from him, and fuck if the rejection didn’t sting. He’d slept with Jax to pull him away from Isaak, but he hadn’t counted on getting wrapped up in it himself. Adding that physical element to their close friendship, especially in such an emotionally charged way as they did, had made his feeling change on a fundamental level. “Look, your mom, Tara. Fuck. They can take care of your kid if you go away. But Lyla. I love her, but she ain’t Donna. She wont be able to take care of three kid on her own.”

Jax wanted to scream at Ope that Donna hadn’t been alone. Jax had fucking raised his kids, took them to school, made them dinner, put them to bed, read them their bedtimes stories, helped them with their homework. Lyla was stronger than Ope gave her credit for. She was already a single mom when they met and despite any opinions anyone might have about her career, she earned more than any of them, and it was steady cash. Frankly, Jax wasn’t particularly impressed by Ope’s parenting skills. Even after Ope came out, Donna was a single mom, and now Lyla was raising his kids without much help from him. “We’ll be fine,” Jax said.

“Sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself as much as me.”

Jax couldn’t deny that.

  
#

  
Tuscon was a fucking crank-den.

“That is bullshit. We took at vote!”

“Yeah, after you killed Little Paul,” Jax said darkly. “And blackmailed Reggie out of the club.”

Armando was looking at Clay in disbelief. “Do you know what you’re doing here, ese?”

“I’m accusing the VP and the Sergeant of using the club towards his own ends, and when he was found out, he killed a member, and blackmailed another.”

“That guy is a god damned tweaker!”

“Yeah, but this guy is not,” Chibs said as the dragged Reggie into Church.

“Now, it’s your charter, man.” Clay said, “Listen to the facts, make your decision. But if you find out your club got into crank on a lie, you vote it again.

“I’m not listening to this shit-” Huff said and rose.

“Sit down, Huff,” Armando growled.

“You gonna-”

“I said, sit down!”

Huff turned his rage at Reggie. He snarled, “Fucking rat-” He doubled over as Clay grabbed his balls.

“You having trouble with the grip?”

Jax just looked at the man on the floor, unimpressed. “Handle your shit. We’ll be at the truck stop.”

#

  
Jax watched mournfully as the SAMTAZ crew dragged Benny and Huff out of he back of their van. This was really not what they had come for. “I’m sorry man.”

“Lost a third of my goddamned club.”

“Take another vote of the crank?” Bobby asked.

“Yeah,” Armando said, without a shred of of care. “Sorry.”

“Are you shitting me?” Clay asked him in disbelief.

“Guys dot a taste of the money Clay. It was unanimous. We’ll arrange another place, to make damned sure crank doesn’t get in the way. You got my word.”

“We better get moving.”

“Not a god damned word,” Clay told Bobby.

 

  
#

  
Roosevelt caught up with Juice outside his weed shop.

Juice sighed, “The fuck do you want. Another piss test?”

“Juice. I’m being strong-armed by this guy as much as you are-”

“Fuck that. Your life isn’t on the line.”

Roosevelt smiled at another passer-by. “Look, I have to bring you in now. But I’ve got some shit to tell you that might get you out of this mess.”

“Don’t believe you man.”

“That’s fine. I’ll say what I have to say, then you do what you have to do.”

“Whatever man.”

“I gotta say it here, cause I’m sure my office and my car is bugged. With the VP in your corner, the club might vote to keep you, even with your black old man.”

“And why the fuck would Jax be in my corner? He doesn’t fucking respect me. I’m like a bug on his windshield.”

“Do not react to what I’m saying: Jax is gay, and has for many years been sexually and romantically involved with Isaak Sirko.”

Juice’s brows crept up in disbelief. “The real estate developer?”

“You and I both know that dude ain’t no real estate developer.” Roosevelt cut through the bullshit. “He’s the head of the Russian mob. AUSA thinks he and Sirko hooked up at least before Jax divorced.”

  
“That’s like… years.” Juice struggled to wrap his head around it.

  
“How they met is irrelevant, the point is, they’re together now. You think the Russian crew protected you in county to extend an olive branch for Charming Height? Sirko don’t need small game like the Sons to keep his shit together. This might be your get-out-of-the-grave free-card.”

“And how am I supposed to justify knowing this? Even if it’s true, which I don’t fucking believe.” Juice countered.

“According a source, Sirko was in Charming when Teller’s son was born, saw Teller and Sirko kissing in Abel’s room two days after he was born. That can be your in. It would buy you time, if Jax thinks you’ve kept your mouth shut for him this long.”

“I still don’t believe you.”

“You don’t have to. I’ve got proof. As I said, my office is likely bugged, so keep your mouth shut.”

  
#

 

 


	28. 4.4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juice decides to do the brave thing. But is it the right thing? Where does it leave Jax?

#

Juice’s mind was reeling. The sheriff had shown him several photos of Jax and Sirko together. Photos where Jax was dressed more like a fashion model than a biker. Photos where they were fucking. Kissing. Being intimate, smiling, laughing, playing. It was burned into Juice’s retinas. This might save his life. Potter wanted him to take coke from the cartel. Juice had been pretty fucking close to doing it, but the memory of Jax willingly taking his place as bait in prison kept him from making that monumental mistake. Jax had put himself on the line to save Juice’s dignity. He had never given Juice any reason not to trust him, any indication that he wouldn’t have his back. When he thought about it, Jax couldn’t help being gay anymore than Juice could help his old man being black, right? If nothing else, even if he had to leave and black out his ink, he’d have the opportunity to give his club, his family, a heads up about the danger heading their way. 

“Jax,” Juice jogged after his VP. “Can I talk to you for a sec.”

Jax had one of his notebooks and was on his way to the roof. “Sure Juice. What’s up?”

“In private -” he gestured up to the roof.

Jax frowned, “Sure.” He climbed up and sat down on the vent. “What’s on your mind Juice?” 

“I’m in trouble. Like… could get me killed or kicked out of the club kind of trouble.” 

The smile slid off of Jax’s face. “Fucking tell me Juice,” Jax exclaimed, slightly pissed but also very worried. 

“Roosevelt took me in for a piss-test. Only it wasn’t a piss test. He’s being strong-armed by the AUSA to blackmail me into ratting for them.”

“What could they blackmail you with?” 

“I haven’t said anything. Literally nothing. The leverage is bullshit, but it goes against the rules… I thought I could ride it out and they’d lose interest, but… they’re getting tough to ignore.”

“Juice! The leverage!” Jax barely kept himself from shouting. 

“My dad…”

“Your dad?”

“My dad is black. I’m talking to you cause I need some advice before I take it to the table. If I should take it to the table, or if I should just get the fuck out of dodge.” 

Jax sighed, relieved. “Why not talk to Chibs?” Jax asked. “He’s your sponsor.” 

“I did… kinda, not outright, like this, I just asked how he felt about the race thing with Fiona and all… and he said that we knew what the rules where when we signed up. You’re my VP…” Juice shrugged sadly. “And… you’ve got some experience breaking the bylaws, so I hoped I’d get some more manageable advice.”

Jax stiffened, “What?”

Juice lit a smoke to calm his nerves “You and Sirko, man.” Seeing Jax pale, Juice hurried to say, “My lips are sealed man. No matter how the vote goes, I’m not a fucking rat. It goes with me to my grave.”

Jax exhaled and visibly relaxed, “Thanks man…” 

Juice shook his head, “Ain’t nothing to thank me for.”

“How’d you find out?” 

“Roosevelt told me.” 

Jax sighed, “Right… why did he do that?”

“I was scared shitless. Didn’t know where to turn. He was pissed at being strong-armed by the AUSA. Black man forced to use the race-card to possibly get me killed. Said that wouldn’t end well for him either. He told me to give me some confidence to talk to you. Maybe resolve this shit before… it can’t be resolved. He told me to tell you that I saw you and Sirko kissing in Abel’s room at the hospital after he was born.”

“Why didn’t you? I would have believed you,” Jax said quietly. 

“Cause I can’t lie to you Jax. This was my chance to come clean, and I can’t do that with more bullshit lies.”

Jax inhaled the calming nicotine deep into his lunges and exhaled, “You made the right call. Look, about your dad. I’m in your corner. We can’t have bullshit like this tearing at us when we’re fighting to survive.”

Juice nodded. God, he was near tears in relief. “Thank you Jax.”

“Don’t thank me yet. This could go either way at the table.”

“I know. But it means a lot that you heard me out. Means even more that you have my back.”

Jax nodded wordlessly, looking thoughtfully out at the lot. “Kinda need some advice of my own…”

Juice nodded, “Yeah.”

“Isaak and I… we’re over. Have been for years now, but that doesn’t change what I am, now does it? If brought it to the table… how’d you think it would go?” 

Juice sighed heavily, “Oh man. I think… you’d have my vote. That I promise. Opie would have your back. So would Piney. Happy and Kozig. I’d say Tig as well but he’s so far up Clay’s ass… not that he has a leg to stand on really. Bobby and Chibs… they love you and would die for you, but I’m not sure how invested they are in the bylaws. But if Clay votes against you, your mom will leave him. Fuck man, without your mom half the weight of his presidency is gone.” Jax shot him a side eye. “Oh come on.” Juice chuckled, “Gemma is the Queen of the Sons. We might like to pretend we’re in charge, but you know better than any of us that whoever sits at the head of the table, wont be sitting there long if Gemma doesn’t want them there.”

“Ain’t that the fucking truth…” Jax muttered. “It’s exhausting…” He whispered eventually. “Living like this.” Juice didn’t answer.

“Doesn’t anyone know?”

“Tara knows. David Hale knew. Donna and Ope. Stahl.” The tension between him and Ope had reached a nearly intolerable level. Ope just seemed angry all the time. Every time they had anything to do with the Charming Heights contracts or any of Isaak’s men came over to clear something up, Opie’s fuse would get a little bit shorter and the bomb a little closer to detonation. Jax was just waiting for Opie to burst and say what was really on his mind. Could he really be that jealous of he’d had with Isaak? 

“They tried to work you? Since Isaak is Koshka?” 

Jax gave him a look. “Once or twice, but I don’t know jack shit about Isaak’s business. We kept it that way for a reason.” 

“To keep you safe?” 

Jax shrugged, “Something like that I suppose.” 

“Then why did he come here?” Juice asked, “Kinda counterproductive… if you’re over…?”

“He made that call on his own. We… we were in a tough spot and I guess it was the only way we would have a chance at working shit out and move on. We were so pissy with each other that the only way his crew could get us in a room together was with me in jail,” Jax chuckled mirthlessly.

“But it’s still tough?” 

“Too much history….” 

“But you love him?” Juice asked. Jax raised a brow at him. “Shit doesn’t get this complicated over a fuck-buddy, man. I don’t know what it’s like in Russia, but I don’t think they buy development projects just to get some.” 

Jax nodded slowly, “It fucking terrifies me… how loving someone can turn me into this… the things I’d do keep Abel safe. The lengths Isaak goes to… How much it hurts when we hurt each other… like, everything sticks with you. You can’t leave shit behind. You carry everything with you, every day. Even when you try to drop off some of the luggage…” He took a drag, “It’s fucking unsettling.”

“I think it will work out, Jax.” Juice said. 

Jax shook his head, “No… Not this. That ship has sailed, Juice. I don’t see how… God, a part of me wants to, but I don’t know how. Only thing I’ve got to go on… is that I don’t want to live half-secret from my family. It hurts too much. Everything just hurts too much.” 

Juice nodded. He could tell Jax needed the company, even though they were finished talking, so he sat there and said nothing. Even as he saw quiet tears slipping down Jax’s cheeks, he said nothing. 

#

The vote on Juice’s position was unanimous. He stayed and the bylaw about blacks was tossed - at least for the bi-racials. They’d cross the next bridge when they got to it. There were hugs all around, and as Juice hugged Jax he hugged him extra tightly. “Thank you, Jax,” Juice said, near tears in relief and grateful for Jax’s endorsement for why he should stay, regardless of what they thought about the bylaws and regardless of whether they changed the bylaws or not. 

“I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true Juice. You’ve proved yourself worthy of trust, even more so today.” And Juice knew he was not referring to anything regarding the vote that had just taken place. 

“All right, settle down,” Clay called for silence. We’re meeting up with the cartel tomorrow to deliver their blow, 9am sharp.” He was about to slam the gavel down, but Jax spoke up. 

“Clay-” his eyes flickered around the table, barely revealing his nervousness, “I got something I need to bring to the table.” 

“You too?” Clay asked, “I know for a fact your father ain’t black.” 

Jax cracked a small smile. “Look, I… I gotta say. I wouldn’t have the balls to be sitting here right now if Juice hadn’t talked some sense into me, so… thanks man.”

Juice looked surprised. He had not expected for Jax to address the table to soon. He gave a supportive smile and an encouraging nod. He had Jax’s back, not matter what. Jax’s statement made a lot of the guys nervous, looking at each other for ques about what their VP had on his mind. 

“A lot you, you especially Clay, have been wondering about what really went down in County… and my sway with the Russians.”

“And like why you speak Russian,” Tig added. “Or why you didn’t get your nuts popped for popping that dude’s knees.” 

“I figure the two are connected?” Clay asked. 

Jax nodded, “Isaak isn’t just one of many bosses in the Russian network. He’s the head of the council.” Jax flicked off the ashes of his cigarette and answered, keeping his voice steady. “We were involved… for a while.”

The silence at the table was deafening. 

Finally, Clay spoke, “Involved. Like… business or were you sleeping with the guy?” Jax nodded, not speaking as his heart was racing so quickly he could barely breathe. “That why the Russians protected us in prison?” Clay asked. “What… like payment, or…”

Jax found his voice, “No.” He specified. “At that time we hadn’t spoken for… a long time. Nearly two years. Not for his lack of trying…”

“What does that mean?” Tig asked. 

“It means we had a fight… and I broke it off. He didn’t take too kindly to it.”

Opie snorted, pissed, furious and frustrated. He couldn’t hold back hearing that bullshit from Jax, protecting the man that had landed him in the ICU. “Really?” He hissed angrily, “The only reason you left him is because he nearly killed you.” 

Jax felt a chill shoot up his back, the hairs at the back of his neck rise. He couldn’t breathe. 

How the fuck had Opie known that? Had Tara told him? 

Clay frowned. His stepson was white as a fucking sheet and not looking at anyone, the hand holding his smoke was trembling badly. “Opie?” 

Ope cursed at himself for his outburst, but he just hadn’t been able to keep his mouth shut anymore. “When Hale died, his lawyer delivered a package to me. In the package was an due-to-file police report and medical files documenting… some pretty fucking heinous shit.”

“When did you get this package?” Clay asked.

“Day after Hale died.” 

“Ope-” Jax rasped. 

“He beat you bloody-”

“Shut up,” Piney snapped at his son. 

“You don’t have to fucking tell me. I was there.” Jax said quietly, his voice raw and cracking, hurt from Opie’s betrayal, and the hurt and betrayal his heart remembered from when the back of Isaak’s hand struck his face. He tightened every muscle in his body to try to keep from shaking, but it didn’t help much. It didn't help at all. 

Bobby, sitting next to Jax, stared at his VP’s trembling hands. 

Clay felt cold anger in his stomach. “Everyone keep their mouths shut and let Jax talk.” He growled. He might not always see eye-to-eye with Jax, but he was his son and he’d be damned if this shit was gonna fly. Fuck, it felt like Gemma being raped all over again. “Tell us what you were gonna tell us. Then we can address… Ope’s info afterward.” 

Jax tried to refocus and get back to what he was supposed to say, but he was reeling. If Ope had known about Isaak when Hale died then… had that been why he had approached him? Why had they slept together? Had Ope been attracted to him at all or-? He remembered Tara telling that she hoped he would tell her if there was someone else in his life. If he’d moved on… 

Jax felt sick.

Opie wouldn’t? Would he? Did Tara know? 

“I need some air-” he rose abruptly and fled church like a bat out of hell. 

“Jax-” Clay shouted after him.

#

Piney was furious at Opie. “The hell do you think you are kid?” he scolded, “You had no right putting his personal shit on this table!”

“You didn’t see what I saw,” Opie countered, “Wasn’t just a one time thing, dad. Jax ain’t got it in him -”

“That ain’t for us to decide,” Piney growled gravelly. 

“And what about next time he he lands Jax in the hospital? Eh? Last time he was in the ICU for three days.” 

That made Piney pause, “Are you sure?” 

“Jax was in a medically induced coma for three days - with a cracked open scull. He’s been on fucking meds for-”

Everyone jumped in their chairs as Clay slammed down the gavel. “This shit doesn’t leave this table,” he growled. “Jax is my son. I will sort this shit out. Bobby, find us a copy of those bylaws. We need to do some spring cleaning.” He said and got up to search for his step-son. 

#

He found Jax on the playground, sitting by the fence, hidden from view. Only reason Clay spotted him was because of his strained and erratic breathing. When he looked up Clay could tell he was crying and if he wasn’t mistaken, on the verge of a panic attack. “Kid,” Clay groaned as he sat down. He was too old to be rolling around on the ground anymore. “You ok?” Jax didn’t answer. Ah well, Clay supposed silence sometimes spoke louder than words. “So you’re a fairy. I don’t give a fuck. Though that hair of yours, the yoga and the fancy-ass shampoo should have been a clue. Look, I know I’m not the guy you talk to about shit like this, but I changed your diapers, that’s gotta count for something.” Jax made a small noise that Clay supposed could have been a laugh in a different universe. It could be taken as a victory. “So you and Sirko had a thing. A serious thing?” Jax nodded. “Ope said he put you in the ICU. More than once?” Jax shook his head. Clay waited for him to speak. 

“No, it… it wasn’t like that.” Jax trailed off. “It was the only time he-”

"it was just the once he hurt you?" At Jax’ brief nod, he sighed. WIth his own history with Gemma, he hated himself, and any man that would use violence in their home. “Well that’s a fucking relief. So… you had a fight and you broke it off. How does you ending up in the hospital fit into that?”

“He… got some bad news and… I don’t know. I don’t remember the details. His hand had a disagreement with my face and I… I didn’t feel too good, so I had Tara pick me up. Hale gave her a ride. I left, cut contact.”

Clay could tell there was a lot Jax wasn’t telling him. Like how hard of a disagreement Isaak’s hand had with his face. “Until County.”

“Until County,” Jax nodded, “When the Bratva retaliated against me… he said he couldn’t let it slide. He wants to… fix things, I guess. That’s why he’s in Charming.”

“And that is why he invested in Charming Heights?” 

“I got too close the first time. I got invested," he whispered. 

“And he didn’t?”

Jax hook his head; whatever Isaak had been feeling, it hadn’t been what Jax had felt. "No... I don't know. He says he was but-"

"You don't believe him? Kid…” Clay bumped shoulders, trying to convey some comfort. As his shoulder touched his, he felt that Jax was as tense as a drawn bow, vibrating with strain. 

“My bones hurt,” Jax whispered. 

Clay nodded, knowing how that felt. He’d fallen in love with is best friends wife. Seen Jax born, then Thomas. For years, he’d lived with that pain. “I fell in love with your mom the first time I saw her. Years I carried that. Got used to the pain. Hands-” he held up his hands, “Ain’t nothing to compare to the pain I felt to see her happy with someone else. It wasn’t even in the same world as the pain I felt when she was unhappy. Broken bones hurt less. Bullets hurt less. Some days, breathing is the hardest thing you do.” Jax closed his eyes, listening intently to his step-father. “Your mom loved your dad like that too. And when your dad did her wrong… Maureen, Trinity, then Thomas. It wasn’t easy for her, but she picked herself up. All your life, you’ve been told you’re John Teller’s son, but you know as well as I do, that more than anything, you are Gemma’s son. You have her strength, Jax.”

“I don’t feel very strong.” 

“That ain’t a problem. Worry about the day you feel invincible, because that is the day someone will truly break you.” 

“It feels like he broke me.” 

“You’re still here Jax. You’re a Son- the strongest of us, you’re a father- probably the best of us. He might have chipped the paint, but he didn’t break you.” They sat together in silence for a bit before Clay spoke again, “I know there is a lot you haven’t told me. That’s okay. I ain’t the guy you talk to. But please… talk to your mom. You can’t carry this shit on your own no more.” 

“Yeah,” Jax whispered. 

 

#

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was a bit longer than usual. I'm travelling, so I wont be able to post as often, but I'll make it worth your while when I do :)


	29. 4.5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The vote on Jax comes down.

  
#

Inside, Juice and Chibs were talking quietly in the corner. Ope and Piney were scowling at each other and the rest sat in their seats, waiting. Ope rose as Jax came in. “Jax-” Opie spoke up and Jax steeled himself for another verbal lashing. “I’m fucking sorry. I lost my cool and I shouldn’t have said that shit. You know how much I love you, man. Seeing that… it ripped me open. Knowing you went through that, I - none of us noticed a god damned thing.”

“You gonna tell us what happened?” Piney asked.

“I’d rather not,” Jax replied quietly. He did not have it in him to explain the nature of their relationship, or Isaak’s reaction to Victor’s death, or the utter betrayal he still felt at knowing he had been the other one. He wondered if Victor knew about him. How he felt about him. How he felt about Isaak taking up with a blond kid half his age.

“Is it likely to happen again? Given the circumstances?”

Jax shook his head. He doubted, or at least hoped, that Isaak didn’t have any more long-time lovers in hiding, just waiting to be violently killed.

Bobby spoke, “So… how long has it been going on? How did you meet?”

Jax sighed and addressed the table, “I didn’t tell you this to lay my bleeding heart on the table, or for a trip down memory lane. Isaak and I are years gone and this ain’t about him. This is who I am. It ain’t gonna change, and I ain’t a guy that does well on my own. At some point I’m gonna meet someone who’s gonna be everything to me in a way I always hoped Tara would be. I can’t live with the burden… that living honestly might cost me my family. I stopped lying to myself… I shouldn’t lie to any of you.”

“That why you and Wendy divorced?” Bobby asked.

“No.” Jax shook his head.

“And Tara? We all thought you and Tara were at it.” Tig finally spoke up. “Does she know?”

Jax nodded.

  
Chibs sighed and spoke up, having remained mostly silent until then. “So what you’re telling us, Jackie boy, is that you have had a long running relationship with this guy, and from what I’ve been able to piece together, from what I’ve seen, he’s here trying to make up for past mistakes. Am I reading this right?”

“Jesus fuck, we weren’t going steady with tickets to prom, Chibs,” Jax quipped, trying to cover up how broken he felt.

Chibs just raised a brow, seeing right through him. “And since we’re sitting here, having this conversation, this is - or has been serious enough in the past, for you to have considered walking away from SAMCRO to be with him.” Jax closed his eyes. The small amount of calm he had managed to gather, drizzled away and dissolved like sugar in a hot coffee. He gave a short jerky nod.

“And every time, you chose the club.” Chibs nodded to himself. Jax looked away. He didn’t have to reveal that the decision had been made for him- in the form of a broken skull. “This is my two cents on the matter. This club has been through hell. Each one of us has been through the ringer, we’ve lost people, loved ones and friends, if not to death, then to politics and circumstance. I lost my Fiona and Kerrianne. Sometimes, while O’Phalean was still alive I felt it would be better if they were dead. My family was split in two and there was nothing I could do about it. The club was all that held me together. For decades, you boys were all I had.” There were a few nods around the table from those who remembered how broken Chibs had been when he arrived in Charming.

He continued, “Now today… we have not one, but two members nearly lost to our own outdated bylaws. We were lucky that they found enough support in each other to bring their struggles to the table, before it tore them away. Two brothers I’ve lost to suicide before I came here, to the very same struggle Jax has been fighting. I’ve always had the freedom to hate O’Phalean for what he did to me, but for the past few years… we have every day unknowingly done the same to Jax, the very same thing that I killed O’Phalean for. And he’s had to love us, risk his life for us, kill for us, bleed for us… while we’ve forced him to live a lie, to have his family broken in half. We brought him to a point of desperation where he sits in front of us, fearing he might lose his home…” Chibs paused, making the deafening silence int he wake of his voice even larger. “That shit ain’t fair, brothers. I know we have to vote on this, but lads, if this vote is anything but unanimous, then I have to reconsider my place at this table. No kind of brotherhood puts this torture upon the shoulders of a brother you’ve promised to lay your life down for, and still call ourselves a brotherhood, call ourselves a family.”

When Chibs was done speaking, Jax had pushed away from the table, his face hidden by the shadows and smoke in the room. He was shaking and by his uneven breathing, everyone could tell he was struggling to keep it together.

“Do we need to vote for Jax staying?” Clay asked. There was a murmurs of ‘no’s’ around the table. “As for the bylaws. I suggest that tomorrow after the drop, we have a complete run-through of that old book. We have some skeletons and old rags to toss out. Now-”

“Prez,” Happy interrupted him. “Before we vote. I gotta say something.”

Clay blinked. “You too?”

Happy shook his head. “Jax. I owe you an apology. Way back, Gemma was worried about where you were going off to. Worried that whatever broad you were seeing was pulling you away from the club.” Happy looked over at Clay. Clay nodded to him, saying it was okay. “Clay and mom asked me to follow you. I did. I saw you with Sirko. I didn’t tell Clay. Didn’t tell anyone. Said you were seeing a broad. Said it didn’t look like a big deal.” Clay nodded, remembering this. “You said you weren’t going steady, but you looked so fucking happy, man. I should have come clean to you, VP. You’re my brother. The least I could have done was let you know you weren’t alone. I’m sorry. I could have spared you some serious hurt.” Happy looked around the table, “I’m sorry to all of you as well. Chibs is right. This table should have no secrets. I should have had faith enough to trust that.”

“That ain’t on you, Hap,” Jax rasped. “But thank you.”

An exhausted silence settled over the Reaper table.

“I’m kinda sweet on Venus,” Tig offered, drawing chuckles from his brothers.

  
#

Clay arrived home, tired to the bone and hands aching. Gemma took one look at him and frowned, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Thank fuck nothing is wrong anymore,” Clay sighed and sat down. “We had some rough votes today Gemma. But it turned out okay.”

“What kind of votes?”

“The AUSA has been pressing Juice, using his old man as leverage to get him to rat on the club.”

Gemma gasped, “And?”

“Kid has balls of steel. He talked to Jax and they brought it to the table as soon as he realised he couldn’t just ride it out and that the fuckers wouldn’t give up. Table appreciated the honesty.”

“What leverage did they have on him? Is it serious?”

“His old man is black. Idiotic outdated bylaws…” Clay cursed.

Gemma nodded, “So you voted on Juice and the bylaw?”

“Yeah…” Clay nodded, “Gem. Jax also brought something to the table. We didn’t need to vote, but… he’s on his way here to tell you.”

“Clay, you’re scaring me. Jax is my son. Tell me!” she pleaded.

“Gem, he’ll be here any minute. It ain’t a big deal. Well, it’s a big deal to him, but it ain’t gonna change anything. He’s not going anywhere and everybody is fine. You might still be pissed he waited this long to tell you - tell us all, but it ain’t nothing to get worked up about.”

Gemma sighed, “I will wring your balls off if what you just said isn’t true.”

“I know, love.” Clay smiled wryly. He looked up as Jax entered the den. “I’m gonna grab a beer and let you two talk.”

“Thanks Clay,” Jax said.

When she saw her son, Gemma’s worry returned tenfold. She could tell her boy was tired and that he’d been crying. “Oh Jax. Clay told me you had a vote, but won’t say what about. Said you had to tell me yourself.”

“Yeah…” And all of a sudden Jax was once again nervous. “Firstly, I wanna say that I wanted to tell you first, but-”

“Shit don’t always work out the way we want to, Jax. Just tell me now.”

Jax nodded and took a quick breath, “I’m gay.” He held his breath and waited for his mother’s reaction.

Gemma blinked. Then she frowned. The she shook her head. Jax still didn’t breathe. “That’s it?” she asked. “Kid I’m your mother. I made you, built you up from a cellular level. I’ve known you weren’t completely straight since I found you and Ope making out in the back yard.”

Jax blanched. “I don’t remember that.”

“You should! He was your first kiss! Fuck, don’t scare me like that. I thought it was your heart, or you had the cancer or something.” Gemma shook her head and lit a smoke to calm her nerves. “Jesus fucking Christ…”

Forcing down the sick feeling he got while thinking of Ope, Jax couldn’t help but smile a little. Right in that moment he wondered why he had ever been scared. Hadn’t his mother always had his back? Fiercely, protectively. Their mother-son bond was famous in Charming for it’s fierceness. Jax was a mama’s-boy through and through and he was proud of it, and with Gemma as his mother, no one would fault him or think less of him for it. “I love you mom.”

“Love you too, shit-head. You got any other surprises? Better get them over with now, cause I don’t think my heart can take another set up like this. You got a man on your mind, hence the sudden swan-dive out of the closet?”

Jax nodded, “Yeah, but that’s where it gets a bit complicated.”

“Then un-complicate it.”

“I’ve been seeing someone.”

“Is it serious?”

“It was.”

“His name?”

“Isaak Sirko.”

Gemma gave her son some side-eye. “Newly arrived in town property-developer-Isaak? You work fast.”

“That’s the one. And I don’t work so fast. He moved here for me, mom.”

Gemma paused and put her cigarette down. “Alright. I have a feeling I’m in for a long story.”

Jax chuckled, “Yeah, and it ain’t all pleasant, mom.”

  
#

A long while later Gemma knew everything there was to know about Isaak Sirko. Everything they had been through, everything he had put him through. Their lifestyle, Victor, prison, the guard. Everything the table didn’t know. What he suspected about Ope. Everything from the moment they met, to present time and all the love, fear, hatred and conflicting emotions Jax had felt since.

  
The sun had started to rise and the birds were signing outside.

“At least he’s handsome. Those eyes -” she teased. “He proportional to his height?”

“Mom!”

“C’mon,” Gemma urged him. “Dish the dirt.”

Jax sighed and sat back with an embarrassed smile, “Yeah, he is.” Jax felt like the world had been lifted from his shoulders. As the sun rose, he felt his energy and his hope rise. For the first time in a long time, his life felt like something he could deal with. His life didn’t feel like one huge cluster-fuck anymore. No more secrets, no more lying.

But there was still Isaak.

“I’m not sure how to approach him, mom. Not sure I want to.”

“You scared?”

Jax nodded, “I love him so fucking much, but… it’s like… it broke something, y’know. He was my one safe place and now…”

“He’s hurt your body and he’s hurt your heart. There ain’t no getting around that sweetie,” Gemma said. “I can’t tell you the right thing to do. Only you know that. Only you know, deep in your heart, whether he is worth forgiving or not.”

“But your two cents?”

“My two cents… It’s been nearly two years since it happened. He’s still here. Saved your asses in County. Moved across the planet for a chance at earning your forgiveness. From how you tell it, he’s really fucking sorry. If you stand by your decision, and don’t want to give him another chance, and move on with your life, I’m with you Jax. But if you do want to give him another chance and welcome him into your life and your family, then I will stand right next to you and welcome him as well. But if he ever puts his hands on you like that again, I will cut his heart out. It would be easy to tell you forget about him, but Clay put his hands on me once, you know that. I know it ain’t easy to discard what you’re feeling. Or even figure out what you’re feeling. Clay paid a price for the bruises he put on me. Only you decide what price Isaak pays for the bruises he put on you.”

Jax nodded, deep in thought. He knew Tara meant well, but his mom made it his decision, gave him control over his choices, rather than pushing what she thought was right. He didn’t have a clue about what to do. If he could only feel a little less.

“How about this. I’m having a potlock in a couple of weeks. Everyone is coming. If you want, invite Isaak. If you don’t want to deal with the questions, you can say I invited him.”

“And if I don’t want to?”

Gemma looked at him sadly and said knowingly, “If you don’t want him around your family, that kind of says enough Jax.” She got up, and killed off her smoke in the ashtray “Think about it. If you show up with company, we will drink accordingly. If you show up alone, I’ll send the party home, and we’ll drink accordingly.”

Jax nodded.

  
#

 

Gemma sat down gingerly. God she was tired. Even with everything Jax had told her, she knew her boy wasn’t likely to tell her everything. She tapped Wendy's number. “Wendy?” she spoke into the phone, “I need to ask you something.”

Wendy, not happy about having her former mother-in-law on her phone at all just sighed, “What?”

“This Isaak Sirko guy, he an old friend of Jax? You know him? They seem… familiar.”

“Gosh, yeah, I do. Isaak came to Charming? I guess it's been four years for them now.”

“Four years? Are they… how are they? With each other? Jax… he isn't the sharing kind and I'm worried for him.” Gemma felt suspicion and dread pool in her stomach.  
  
“Look, Gem, Jax and Isaak are a match made in heaven. They love each other so much. I'm just glad he finally told you. It's been tearing at him so badly Gem, you have no idea.”

Gemma took the phone away so Wendy wouldn't hear her cursing. “That badly?” she asked.

“Oh Gemma, the nights he cried himself to sleep. Both because of the Club and cause Isaak is a fucking globetrotter on the best of days.”

Gemma nodded to herself.

“Gemma, Isaak is the best thing that ever happened to Jax. Jax needs him like air. I can't imagine the club is taking it well, but you gotta have his back. Back before Abel… he was so… watching him was like watching a teenager in love. He was glowing. Though all the shit with Abel, all the shit I put him though, Isaak kept him sane and steady.”

Gemma cleared her throat, “Jax cheated on you?” she asked, “Why'd you never say anything?”

“Jax and I were never in love Gemma. He found something precious. He was so scared. I had to tell him to call Isaak back when they first met. He was moping around for weeks, I just couldn't take it anymore. If it hadn’t been for Donna supporting him as well… I don’t know Gemma…”

“That's why you divorced, not because of your drugs....” Realisation dawned on her. How could all of this have gone on under her nose without her having realised.

“Nah, that came later. That didn't have anything to do with anything between me and Jax, not like that.”

“Thank you Wendy… with all the shit going down these days one can never been too careful with who you let into your house.”

“True that… but with everything, Jax needs him there. It's been such a strain on him… I saw that years ago. I can’t imagine what its like after all this time.”

“Good bye, thanks again.” Gemma hung up and buried her head in her hands.

Despite what she had told Jax, this hadn't even crossed her mind. Her skirt-chasing whoring son? Frankly, she thought he was fucking Tara on the sly, keeping it secret because the good doctor didn't want anyone to know she was dating a biker.

Her son was gay.

Not just fucking a guy, if what Wendy was saying was true.

Gay.

Motherfucking gay.

Where had she gone wrong?

Was it John dying? Hadn't Clay been enough of a father for him? Was it the marines? Was it the club? Jax had always been attracted to strong personalities and apart from herself, Tara and Wendy were the only women who were up to Jax's calibre of woman- not weak girls and sweetbutts- there were not many about the club. Had be gone for a man as a substitute?

She shook her head.

No. That was her mother talking. That was what her mother had been shouting at her when she had married John. Her mother had never forgiven her for marrying down.

Her mother had never forgiven her, nor John, for Jax not being born normal, like the other boys. Jax had always been a little too sweet for Rose’s ideal of a grandson. Gemma shook her head. Sweetness was definitely something she had thought he had grown out of. Jax finding a man wasn't all that weird, she supposed. He'd just never shown any sign… that was a lie. When he was a child he had not always followed the crowd, stuck to the norm. He had regularly swayed between spending more time with the girls than the boys, doing girl stuff. But he had always bounced back. He had never stuck with it, so she had never thought about it. She still remembered fondly the rather huge play-wedding seven year old Ope and and six year old Jax had arranged for themselves. The entire club had attended. At the time everyone had simply thought it hugely amusing. But perhaps it had been one of Jax’s most honest moments? Perhaps as young as he had been then, he realised that loving a boy was okay, as long as it was only make-belief. Or maybe it had been later, when he was older, but it was the only time she could actually remember Jax showing anything but complete platonic love for anyone not fitting the demands of the club to the letter.

Perhaps she was just projecting? Perhaps she was reading too much into things that all children did.

Gemma collected her things. It was in instances like this she felt her Pentecostal upbringing made her feel handicapped. She completely rejected her mother’s religious pandering, but it had also meant she never had to think about issues like non-conformity. Because even with their rebel-crew, they conformed to each other. She did see the irony. Her best friend was a porn-star, but that was work. They did gay stuff, but that was work. Not family. She shook her head. She had a dinner to prepare. They needed to sit down and eat. Together. Nothing like a family meal to heal things. Old and new.

Perhaps… perhaps she was over-thinking everything. Perhaps her son just fell in love, like she had when she met John. Someone inappropriate. Someone his family wouldn't approve of. Was scrapping the bylaw really the end of it? Gemma knew one thing: no one stuck with a partner for years, suffering in secrecy if it wasn't the real deal.

She had to give Jax the benefit of the doubt, despite her own fears – do what her mother never did for her. However the chips fell, she had to have her son’s back. No matter what happened, she had to make sure Jax knew she loved him too fucking much to care who Jax settled down with, or spent his time with. Clay had some work to do redrafting those bylaws. It would be over her dead body that Jax suffered any injustice over it.

Over her dead body.

 

 

 


	30. 4.6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isaak didn’t anticipate a regular Tuesday to end like this.

 

#

Jax had gone straight from his mothers’ house to his father’s grave. From there he went to Isaak’s house. He hadn’t been there yet, but he knew the address.

Isaak answered the door with a cup of coffee in his hand. Jax inhaled the familiar scent, suddenly feeling more home than he should have in a house he’d never been to. “You certainly didn’t waste any time,” Jax said as he looked around.

“I don’t subscribe to half-way measures. But not to worry, I will be taking my leave soon.” Isaak replied mildly. “Are you well? You look tired.”

“Yesterday was… taxing. Stayed up all night drinking with my mom.”

Isaak half-smiled, “To what end?”

“You.”

Isaak raised a brow in surprise, and put his coffee down on the counter. “I’m afraid you’ll have to elaborate.”

Jax sat down on the kitchen counter. Normally Isaak could have chided him, but now was not the time for discipline. “At church yesterday, I told the club… about me. And us.”

“And?”

“They scrapped the bylaws.” Jax said quietly. “Opie… told them a little more than I intended.” Isaak nodded. He couldn’t really comment. He’d done what he’d done. He couldn’t change it. People knowing would not change it.

“And your mother?”

“I told her everything.”

Isaak nodded, “Good.”

“She’s… inviting you to dinner in a couple of weeks.” Isaak could swear he felt his heart stop beating. His lungs sure as fuck were not breathing. “The club will be there, and their kids and shit… I’m not ready for that.”

Isaak grit his jaw, forcing down the sting and waited patiently for whatever Jax was struggling to get out.

“But I’m… I’m not sure I want you to leave either,” he said quietly. “There is one thing I need to tell you, and there is one thing I need from you.” Jax said. Isaak frowned, but gestured for Jax to continue, “After Abel was kidnapped, I slept with Ope. A few times.” Jax shrugged.

It felt like a punch to the gut, only mildly softened by the revelation that Jax had just asked him to stay, but Isaak just nodded, “Thank you for telling me, Jax.” It was a selfish reaction. It had stroked Isaak’s masculine pride to have been the only man to ever have had him.

Jax nodded shortly. “And… uh. The thing I need. Ethan Zobelle. He’s in Europe somewhere. I want him dead.”

“Zobelle…” Isaak said slowly.

“You know him?” Jax asked, realising Isaak recognised the name.

“Not personally, that I can recall.”

“He had my mother gang-raped. Cops caught him, but… he’s an FBI-informant, so he walked. The club had to chose between chasing him and my sons kidnapper… if I’d been there, my family might have been spared some of the sorrow that followed.”

Isaak nodded. “Alright.”

  
Jax exhaled. “I… I don’t know what I want. And I don’t know how to do this.” Isaak waited for him to find his words, praying for anything that could allow him even just a little closer. “Time.” Jax said finally. “You asked for time.” He nodded to himself. “Zobelle. That’s how you earn it.”

“Thank you,” Isaak smiled, blinking back relieved tears. He cleared his throat. “Would you like a tour?”

#

“And there?” Jax asked.

“Bedroom,” Isaak answered.

“Can I?” Jax asked.

Isaak hesitated, knowing what Jax’s would find in there, but in the end he nodded.

Jax walked in to a room that did not feel much lived in, but at the same time was eerily familiar. By the window was a large sprawling bed, connecting bathroom- naturally, and large connecting walk in closets. Jax was not surprised. In the room itself were lit up cases in the dressers. Jax’s stomach clenched, but he couldn’t help himself. He looked anyway.

There, along with Isaak’s watches and the small amount of jewelry he owned, laid Jax’s collars. In the second drawer he guessed other various gifts laid, but he didn’t look at them. His eyes were glued to his collars. He could hear Isaak entering the room behind him.

“I’m…” Jax trailed off.

“They’re just there. For you. They’re there and they’re yours. For me. To remind me.”

Jax let his fingers run over the bracelet, instantly missing the feel of it around his wrist. But as he was about to pick it up, he spotted a small black box he did not recognise. He had just picked it up when Isaak was suddenly hot against his back, hand gripping his wrist firmly. Gently Isaak pulled the box from his fingers and clenched it in his hand. After a slight pause he opened it to show a matching pair of rings.

Jax couldn’t breathe.

“One day,” Isaak said quietly, “I was hoping…” he started again, “I dreamed that you might one day say yes.”

Jax turned around in his arms and burrowed into his chest, nose tucked into the hollow of his throat. Isaak held him tight. Jax tip-toed up to kiss him. Gently at first, but then firmer. Isaak’s kisses took his breath away, yet it felt like his lungs were being filled with fresh air. His head and his heart was screaming at each other. Jax trembled with want. Desperation surged through him unlike anything he had ever felt. But even as Isaak uncovered golden skin, kissed old and new scars, the hollow of his stomach that always tickled, doubt wrecked his mind. Even as his collars laid in the casings, ready for him, even as a matching set of rings laid next to them, doubt wrecked him.

The prison had been hurried, harsh, almost violent as Isaak marked him and made his claim once more. He’d laid on his stomach, Isaak standing on his knees, crouching over him, fucking into him, the feeling only made more intense my not being able to move. It was raw and honest. Primal. Jax could handle that. It was familiar.

This was different.

This was all soft kisses, gentle touches and quiet sighs. Isaak held him close and kissed him. Jax cried out softly as Isaak pressed into him, making space for himself. Jax shook with emotion, wrung out and raw. It felt so right. Jax was terrified, but at the same time he needed to feel hands on his body that he knew wanted him, washing away Opie’s touch and his lies. Feel hardness move inside him that he knew undoubtedly was for him. Washing away hurt, doubt and pain. A difficult, but familiar fit. Isaak sliding into him felt like he slid back into his life, like he was taking his rightful place once more. Tears slipped from his eyes, slipped down his temples and neared his hair line, but Isaak kissed them away.

Isaak wrapped his arms around him and sat up, pressing them tightly together. Jax sobbed softly and hugged him as hard as he could. “I’m yours, Sunshine.” Isaak whispered, “Only yours, always.” Isaak’s heart broke as he felt tears slipping down on his shoulder. “There is no one else. There will never be,” rocked gently back and forth. “When you’re ready, I’ll put that ring on your hand.” He kissed him, “I’m devoted to you, love, mind, body and soul.”

Jax nodded tearfully, “Yes,” he whispered, his voice rough and cracking. “Yes… Isaak-” he cried his name like a prayer.

“Jax-”

“Isaak,” Jax pleaded, his voice shaking, “ -don’t go-”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Isaak promised. “Nowhere. And I will never hurt you. Never lie, never lay a hand on you ever again.” They kissed, “My love, my love my love,” Isaak chanted quietly.

“Please,” Jax sobbed. Feeling the hot simmer low in his belly, he pushed Isaak to lie down on the bed and ground his hips. He rode him slowly and languidly until he found his release. Despite their gentle touches, their pleasure was devastating. Jax sank down onto Isaak’s chest and tucked his face into his neck, hiding away as small tremors still surged through him. “I love you,” Jax whispered, and he had to whisper, because he didn’t dare say them louder. Somehow, saying them louder would make it more real, rather than a quiet admittance of that he still hadn’t let go. That he couldn’t let go. But a quiet whisper what all he had, it was all he dared.

“I love you too, Sunshine,” Isaak whispered back.

#

  
“How can I help you, Mr. Roosevelt?” Isaak asked as he descended the stairs to greet the sheriff, who was waiting for him with Jurg. “I can assure you, I have kept my toes dry.”

Roosevelt looked around the foyer, appreciating the good work that had gone into building the old colonial beauty, even if it made his eye twitch in irritation that it was still standing considering how and by whom, it was built. “When you came to Charming, you failed to disclose your connection to the Sons of Anarchy.”

“Ah,” Isaak smiled, “I did not realise that I needed to. I have no connection to the Sons. Jackson and I have known each other for some years, but that… friendship is entirely independent from any SOA related dealing you might be suspecting.” he said and leaned against his desk.

“Then why were you and your posse down at TM a couple of weeks ago?”

Isaak smirked, “A little slow on the uptake, sheriff?” he straightened his collar and gestured for Roosevelt to follow him towards his office and away form anywhere Jax would be, should he wake. “This couldn’t have waited? Surely it must be less hassle for you to show up at my office rather than my home.”

“I was intrigued by the Harley in your driveway,” Roosevelt replied flatly. “Answer my question.”

“I went to TM to address their concerns about their maintenance contracts. We reached an understanding.”

“Mutually satisfactory?” Roosevelt sniped.

“They drive a hard bargain,” Isaak smirked.

The sheriff huffed and rolled his eyes. “Cut the crap Sirko. I know you and Teller are screwing six ways from Sunday.”

The mirth slid of off Isaak’s face like it had never been there. “And how, pray tell, did you come across that little tidbit of information?” He was not amused. If the sheriff knew, someone was meddling in his business.

“Teller’s medical file from prison. The money you paid to keep the conjugal off the books was not wasted, but you should have specified that the guards should keep their hands off your boy-toy when you were done,” Roosevelt informed him. The sheriff took no satisfaction in seeing the colour drain from the Russians face, but it did confirm his suspicion- that the relationship between the two was not purely physical. “Teller’s name was blacked out, but given the lengthy series of coincidences, the nature of your friendship was not much of a leap. I figured as the victims partner, you would like to know he has been sentenced to a lengthy stretch.”

Isaak was furious, but he refused to lose his cool in front of an officer of the law. “Clever deduction, Sheriff. Now what do you intend to do with this information?”

“Oh, nothing,” Roosevelt said innocently, “Just letting you know that nothing escapes my notice. And I’m keeping my eye on you.”

“My business in Charming is legitimate. I have no need to ruffle feathers,” Isaak buttoned his jacket as he rose. “But I must thank you, Sheriff. For bringing this to my attention. Such happenings should not be left to fester. Jurg, will you see our guest out?” he addressed his right hand.

  
#

  
Isaak sat deep in thought when Jax came down. “Hey,” Jax greeted quietly.

“Hey,” Isaak replied with a small smile.

Jax moved awkwardly, not quite sure where to put his feet in this new environment. The style was eerily familiar, but it didn’t feel like home, the way Isaak had made any suite feel like a home.

Isaak sighed, wondering which difficult conversation he should start with. There were so many difficult conversations in their future, and how he approached them would determine the outcome of the rest of his life. It might sound dramatic, but he intended on spending his life with Jax, and thus, these conversations could make him, or ruin him. “I’d like to tell you about Victor,” he started quietly.

Jax stiffened. “Couldn’t do that sober?” his eyes flickered to the tumbler of liquor in Isaak’s hand.

“This is to digest an unrelated matter,” Isaak frowned sadly.

“I’m not really sure I want to hear anything about him…” Jax admitted.

Isaak shrugged, “The two of you really couldn’t be more different,” he started softly. “Like shadows and sunlight, warm and cold, fire and ice.” Jax crossed his arms over his chest, awkwardly quiet. “I quickly came to terms with that Victor wouldn’t know loyalty if it stood on the tip of his nose. I rationalised it with telling myself that we were not in a place where we could be open and free, but as I rose in the ranks of Koshka it became apparent that the talk of soldiers was just that; talk of soldiers.” Isaak rose and looked out the window, finding the trees unusually interest. “Did you know it was the mob whom opened the first gay bars? Initially to cash in on an untouched market, but as time passed, police raids increased, solidarity grew. As I retired from active duty, I took a special interest in the business, something which paid off immensely. Thus landing me in the Koshka council. But Victor never changed.” Jax was struck by the sadness in his face. “I shouldn’t have expected him to. Neither one of us ever got pushed to the point of ending it, so we just… let it be. It was easier to proceed as a unit, separate, but together. It had always been, so it always was, and thus no one asked questions that could make our lives difficult. Then you came along.”

“And I was somehow different from all the other people the two entertained yourselves with?” Jax asked, resentfully.

“You were. You are. I feel so strongly for you, I sometimes don’t know what to do with myself.” He put the glass down, now empty. “Victor always seemed to hold the opinion that if the company we kept was female, then it didn’t really count. He was quite furious when he learned of you.”

“He had a right to be.”

Isaak chuckled. “Perhaps so. Two wrongs - or in this case, fifteen years of mutual wrongdoings do not make a right. You walked into my life like a -”

“-ray of sunshine?” Jax sniped.

Isaak chuckled, “Yes, but I was going to say a tornado. You turned everything up-side-down. I did not realise until not so long ago that my fellow Council members, men and women I have come to consider friends, were perfectly aware of how miserable he made me. How perceptive they were of my happiness with you. You… you are strength, wit, warmth, love… loyalty… trust.” Isaak tipped Jax’s chin up, “Standing next to you makes me want to do better. And be better. For you.” Isaak kissed his forehead affectionately. “Before we look to our future, we must settle the past,” he stroked Jax's cheek. “I hit you.... I am sorry.” Jax was about to open his mouth, say it was okay and that they should leave it dead and buried, but Isaak cut him off. “I need you to -”

“I forgive you Isaak,” Jax breathed. “I know -”

“No,” Isaak said firmly, knowing Jax was speaking as his mind was clouded by their recent lovemaking. “I need you to never forgive me. I will move heaven and earth to earn prove to you that this chance you have given me is worth it, but I cannot step across the line like this again. I was your Dom, your safety-net, your harbour, and I didn't just fail, I hurt and neglected you. I will spend the rest of my life earning each day I get to spend with you, earning each moment of peace and pleasure. Earning every kiss, earning your trust once more. Do not forgive me. Do not give me your trust for free. I need to earn your love once more.”

Jax was shaking. From his lips to his toes he was trembling from the intensity of Isaak's words.

“So now, let's speak about the past. Then tomorrow we speak about the future, hm?”


	31. 4.7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isaak gets some business done, and Jax is trying to figure himself out.

#  
It took a while for Isaak’s contact to get back to him about the Zobelles. It turned out Ethan Zobelle was rather well connected, and had a few years past returned to Budapest, although, sans his only daughter.

“Sir, the Zobelle family is very well connected. Taking out one of theirs might have repercussions,” Jurg told him.

“How well connected?”

“He's the son-in-law of Yurik Varga.”

Isaak nodded. He knew Varga. He was older than Isaak, and his organisation ran closely with one of Koshka’s subdivisions in Hungary. “Get me Varga on the phone.”

Jurg dialed the number and waited until the person on the other end answered. “Mr. Varga, I am calling on behalf of Isaak Sirko, of the Koshka Brotherhood. He has an important matter to discuss with you,” he said, then he handed the phone to Isaak.

“Mr. Sirko, an unexpected call. I trust all our business is going well?”

“Our business is thriving. I come to you with a personal issue, Yurik.”

“Personal? I don't know how I can help.”

“Ethan Zobelle is my personal problem. How much of a problem will we have when I have dealt with him?”

“Perhaps a significant one. He is a high earner, and the husband of my deceased eldest daughter.”

Isaak exhaled slowly. “Your son-in-law had the mother of my love beaten and gang-raped to front his heroin trade in California. Now given the nature of this incident, I will make an exception to my usual business practice: I will not be above making a personal matter professional. Now, how will this affect the loyalty of the Varga family to the Koshka brotherhood?”

On the other end of the line, across the globe, Yurik Varga was silent, thinking about his options. Isaak Sirko was so far above him on the foodchain, getting a phone call from him was not something he had ever expected. That one of his men, his son-in-law, had done something so vile to the Koshka boss mother-in-law to front heroin trade – note that he had not a clue how raping a woman would up their sales regardless who the woman was, the act was not sanctioned. Arriving at the conclusion that he did not have many options, he replied, “Isaak, I aplogise for the grief this has brought your family. Please extend my regret to your partner. Unless your wish to personally handle retaliation, I am more than willing to save you the travel and deal with Ethan myself. I will of course forward proof of action. I hope it will not affect our relationship in the future.”

“Thank you, Yurik, your loyalty is much appreciated and will be remembered. An additional piece of information that might interest you, according to the ATF here in California, Zobelle has been an FBI informant for a number of years. Something to take into consideration when you deal with him.” And at that, Isaak handed the phone back to Jurg, who tapped the screen lightly, hanging up.

He stroked his chin, considering the real life repercussions of this action. To defend his position, an FBI informant in his ranks, at any level, even if just associated was dangerous in many ways, especially if he was connected through family. In truth, Jax had done him a service asking for his death. Well, not in truth. Isaak dealth with traitors more cunningly than simply having them killed. But in this case, his love wanted a head on a silver platter, and as such, a head on a silver platter he should have.

  
#

Jax was slightly irritated at Isaak’s demand to see him straight away. He’d been slightly irritated generally speaking. He’d been spending the afternoon with Abel. Tara kept Abel in the day care at the hospital, but Jax had taken him out to spend the day with him. He had a lot of time to make up for, so he wanted to keep this meeting very short.

He breezed past Isaak’s secretary with Abel on his hip. The secretary made a feeble attempt at stopping him, but the 5’2 woman whom he recognized from the local school didn’t have much luck.

“What was so fucking urgent?” he asked as he walked into Isaak’s office.

Isaak was standing by the window, “Mrs. Locke, would you mind entertaining young Abel while I speak with his father? I’m afraid it’s not a matter for young ears.”

“Certainly, Mr. Sirko,” she said and accepted Abel form Jax.

“You poaching administrators from the school district now?”

“I doubled her salary,” Isaak grumbled. “She saw the chance to cash in before retirement, as well as giving her nerves a rest from wily teenagers.”

“So.”

“You’ve been quite irritable lately,” Isaak stated.

Jax huffed. So?

“I received a visit from our good sheriff this morning.”

“And?”

“He came here to talk about you, specifically.”

Jax frowned and crossed his arms over his chest, “Why would he do that?”

“Because” Isaak said forcefully, suppressing the urge to shout, knowing that Jax would turn on his heel and walk out if he raised his voice at him. “To tell me that the guard who sexually assaulted you in prison has been sentenced to two years.” That shut Jax up. “Where you at any point going to tell me about this?”

“No.”

“I see,” Isaak tapped his fingers on his shiny desk. “Why wouldn’t you tell me someone hurt you?”

“Jeez, it’s not like he raped me. He just got grabby during standard routine.”

“Which routine,” Isaak bit. Jax sighed and remained stubbornly silent. “What do you want from me, Jax? I get that you have a lot of shit to get right with, but please let me know if I can help. Or if you just need to chew on it. What do you need?”

Jax scowled, “you used to be able to tell what I needed.”

“I know I failed you. And that I’m still failing you…” Isaak sat down, tired. “I can’t tell what you want anymore because I don’t trust my judgment anymore. Not when it comes to you.”

“I need you to hurt me,” Jax said. “Like you used to. Stop treating me like I’m breakable.”

“But I did break you.”

“I need you to get your shit together. We tried this. We tried normal. Normal doesn’t cut it.”

“You telling me the sex is bad?” Isaak quipped, raising an amused brow.

Jax scowled sadly. “I'm telling you I feel isolated.”

Isaak got up and caught Jax’s hand in his. “From me?”

“From everyone. No one treats me the same anymore. Like they expect me to pop a tou-tou or something. I didn’t change.”

Isaak popped a crooked smile. “You did change, love. They just didn’t notice. Give them some time to catch up.”

“You think they will?”

“Yes.” Isaak pulled him close.

“Will you?” Jax asked softly.

“Yes.” Isaak moved behind his desk, “Speaking catching up,” he handed a folder to Jax.

“What is that?” Jax asked, eying the large brown folder.

“Ethan Zobelle.”

Jax accepted the folder, but didn’t open it. “I want you to hurt me,” he said quietly.

Isaak stiffened. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said, an odd tone in his voice that Jax couldn’t quite identify.

Jax clenched his eyes shut, feeling like had forgotten the conversation they’d just had. “I want you to treat me like before. Make me feel normal.”

“My memories much be much different from yours, if all you remember is that I hurt you. You’ll have to be more specific.

“I want you to fuck me, no prep, no lube.”

Isaak pinched his brow, “No,” he replied. “You may have forgotten, but while our lifestyle did include a measure of pain, it did not include intentionally hurting or potentially injuring you by doing something as reckless as taking you without proper preparation.”

Jax exhaled sharply, “Isaak, I’m telling you what I need.”

“You are not telling me what you need, you are telling me what you want- for me to hurt you. And I am telling you no. A compromise may be reached. Minimal preparation, with lubrication.”

“No prep,” Jax insisted. He wanted the pain.

It was Isaak’s turn to scowl, “Fine, no prep. But you will be restrained,” he said, knowing Jax was a swarmy kid who would absolutely flip him on his back and ride him if he was impatient. He’d done it before, playfully, but in a mood like this he might not care too much about hurting himself- which is what he had a feeling this was about. Jax had a self-destructive streak. It was small and rarely reared its head, but it was there and it had a tendency to show itself when he was angry and frustrated.

Jax paused. He really wanted no prep, and he knew if Isaak restrained him, and he continued to argue, he might not get anything of what he wanted. “Fine.”

 

 

 


	32. 4.8

#

Opening his eyes, he saw Isaak's serious expression. Isaak pulled back a little and then pressed in. Jax made a small sound as an odd feeling spread in his stomach. 

“Ow -" Jax complained. He frowned, confused and dizzy from the onslaught of emotion and sensation. "It is too much -" he whimpered. 

"I know,” He soothed and caught him in a deep kiss. Soon, Jax melted into the kiss and seconds later pain spread in his lower body as Isaak sank into him. His immediate reaction was to fight the pain and get away. It hurt. To have an injury he could see and know the cause of was one thing, but this pain was just radiation from inside of him.

"Fuck-" Isaak cursed as Jax's body pressed down hard on him, trying to push him out. Even as Jax pushed and kicked against the restraints, Isaak held him firmly and stayed lodged deep in him. 

Eventually the pain faded and Jax calmed down, exhausted and panting. It broke Isaak's heart to see tears, actual tears streaming down Jax's flushed red sweaty face, but reassured himself that Jax had given no indication to wanting to stop. No safe-words, no yellow, no red. 

Even as his eyes were closed, Jax could feel Isaak’s hesitance, “Green,” he muttered weakly, hoarse. 

As Isaak started to move again, Jax whimpered at the soreness he felt. He wanted to curl his arms and legs around his Dom and seek comfort, but his restraints would not allow it. Isaak kissed him and held him tightly as he rocked, swiveling his hips. Isaak groaned deeply as the hot silky walls molded to him, parting slickly with every deep push and clinging as he dragged out, the friction enough to make Jax want to scream. 

Jax felt pleasure unlike anything he had ever felt seep into his bones. Wherever in his body Isaak was touching, it was so sensitive and so lovely. He felt so full, but in a different way. Jax pushed against him, his movements shaky and trying. Isaak held him firmly so that he felt the move of the rhythm, and made it easier for him to follow. Sweat started dripping as they moved quicker, their rhythm deeper. 

"Oh Isaak - " he gasped. 

Isaak grabbed the hair at the nape of Jax's neck and tugged it roughly, forcing him to bare his neck, and thrust hard. Jax arched and used his knees to try to pull him deeper, even though he was tied down. Frantically, he needed more. He felt the deep burn in his belly, but it felt different. It felt deeper, like his body was on fire. 

Isaak could tell Jax was close and settled his rhythm into deep and steady. His lover’s fair hair shone against the white pillow, and his flushed and sweat slick skin glowed. With a snarl he raised himself up on his knees and yanked Jax up by his hips and served a series of punishing thrusts making the young man coil like a string - then he snapped. 

Jax felt his blood flow to his head and his vision blurring as he felt the fire in his stomach rupture and spread. He felt like he wasn't in his body. Hands trembling, he reached out for his… former Dom. Isaak looked majestic as he came, pumping his hips between Jax's thighs, each thrust sending a burst of pleasure to the young biker-prince. Jax moaned, feeling warmth fill him. He felt Isaak swell and come inside of him, and it felt so good. 

As they curled up together, pulling the covers over them, Isaak unbuckled the restraints and pulled Jax close tucking him against his chest and pulled Jax's thigh to lay over his hip, to give his hips a proper rest. "Sleep," he whispered and rubbed his hands up and down Jax's sides as he trembled, feeling shaky. It only a minute before his little one had slipped into the land of dreams. 

The next morning, Isaak was awake to watch the sun rise. He wasn't paying much attention to the sunrise when the colours had passed the pinkish purple and into orange and was watching Jax sleep. 

He loved him, plain and simple and he knew that Jax had taken his role as Submissive to Isaak's Dominant very seriously, but when it came to some things, he listened to no one but himself.

 

#

If Jax had thought it would fix things, he was sorely mistaken. He had a vague memory of Isaak slipping from bed. Another vague memory of a kiss dropped on his forehead and a coffee set on the nightstand. The coffee was cold now. 

Jax flinched in pain as he dressed. He ached. It just fucking hurt. He knew damned well Isaak was well endowed, but this was a bit excessive. He had gotten what he wanted. Isaak had done as Jax had asked, albeit far gentler than Jax had wanted, but he still hurt. But even so, it didn’t drown out the turmoil in his chest. If anything, it only added to it. It left a lingering ache in his stomach that left him cold and nauseous. 

“The fuck is wrong with me?” he whispered. 

 

#

Jax walked slowly up to the house. He'd talked to Tara the day before, so he wasn't going off the rails. He knew everything he was feeling was normal, but that didn't mean shit. It didn't mean shit when he felt like his relationship with Isaak was tearing at the seams before they’d even really started. They hadn't been solid before, and even as they were getting better, Jax felt like they had only gotten worse since. 

Isaak was working. He sat there in a light gray suit and a white shirt. So casual, but in a room full of black-clad men, Isaak stood out. His large frame and confident economical moves spoke of control and seniority.

Isaak had dominance seeping out of his pores. For a brief second, as his body ached and nausea welled gently in his gut, it reminded Jax of that evening.

Isaak glanced up at Jax, who was standing in the doorway. He frowned as he saw his lover was a bit pale. 

Jax crossed his arms over his chest, trying to ignore the feeling rising within him. It was almost suffocating - the urge to sit down at Isaak’s feet and rest his cheek against the inside of his thigh. To hide away, relax and just enjoy the feeling of strong warm hands running through his hair. 

He turned and walked away. It made him feel sick. Both the urge to do it, the shame he felt for feeling it and forcing himself to walk away. 

He could hear Isaak excusing himself from the meeting and following him. Isaak knew better than to call for him to stop and simply followed him. 

 

#

 

Jax stood in front of the casing, looking at the gleaming polished silver beneath the glass. He was feeling a little floaty and lightheaded still. He was a little angry and embarrassed. He’d thought he’d be able to control himself. He genuinely thought he’d be able to have do a scene on his terms, the way he wanted, but this morning had proved it to be tough. A part of him knew it had always been on his terms. The difference laid in that Isaak had only agreed because Jax insisted. Insisted on something Isaak had known would hurt him more than Jax knew. 

“Jackson,” Isaak spoke softly, “Are you well?” Jax nodded wordlessly. No, he wasn’t fine. Isaak sighed, “Sunshine…” When Jax still didn’t reply he sat down on the bed and waited patiently. 

Jax’s mind was reeling. His heart was thundering. 

“Come here,” Isaak said softly.

“My head is a mess Isaak,” Jax said softly. 

“I figured you needed time. Was I wrong?” Isaak asked, worried. Jax shook his head, his breath was heavy as his heart calmed. It had been the right thing. He sat down on the bed, hiding his face and his frustrated tears in his hands.

As Jackson refused to speak, Isaak sat down next to him and held him. 

 

#


	33. 4.9

Summary: Isaak is frustrated at being kept at more than an arms length.

#

  
Jax sighed. He fucking hated his life right now.

It was hard thing to say, an awful thing to say when he was sitting at the poolside of a beautiful house watching his kid play with Isaak’s assistant and her daughter. Life shouldn't feel this fucking awful when everything was so fucking perfect. On the surface.

He had everything he always wanted.

He had what he always wanted.

Isaak gave him everything he asked for.

He had Isaak, his family, his club, financial security, peace… He wasn't wanted for any crime if you didn’t count probation, bullets weren't flying around his head as business with the cartel was running smoothly, and most of his friendships were stronger than ever and could talk to about the things closes to this heart. They realised they didn’t know him quite as well as they thought, but were ready to know him once more. Except Ope.

To be honest, only Tara and his mom knew that he was trying to work things out with Isaak. If anyone else knew it was because they had eyes in their sculls.

Here, in this house he was the old lady. He was Isaak's old lady.

They knew him. They all knew Jax Teller, but they all knew that as long as he was happy, he was an unarmed weapon.

They respected him.

Probably more than any Son ever had, he felt sometimes. They knew he had Isaak wrapped around his finger. As shown at the meet when they got out, they knew Isaak didn’t give a shit if he blew out some knees. Vanya had ever so discreetly told him that Isaak had gone on a complete six-month bender- the Isaak version of a bender, after he had left. She had told him that everyone, every man, respected Jax more than the ghost hanging over his shoulder. Victor Baskov was apparently a man easily forgotten, and didn’t that say enough?

They respected him for the hell he could raise, the shit he could handle, for his intelligence, for his viciousness, for his skill, his experience. They respected him for the hell he could raise by simply turning a cold shoulder.

For taking no shit. They remembered him popping two bullets in that guys knees for disrespecting him.

“You gonna come swim with me, Teller?” Vanya teased.

“Nah. I'm good here,” he called back.

So his life was so fucking perfect, so what the fuck did he hate his life for?

He hated that Isaak hadn't touched him with the hot possessiveness he’s longed for. He hated the soft kisses. The lingering touch on his waist. All the care and consideration.

Isaak was treating him like a fucking breakable piece of glass.

So fucking perfect.

“I'mma head off,” he called, “Can you drop Abel off with Neeta around six?”

Vanya gave him a two fingered salute as she splashed some water at their kids.

  
#

As he parked at home in his driveway that afternoon he was surprised to see Isaak’s car there as well. He sighed to himself. He sat on his bike for a few minutes to gather his thoughts. All he’d ever wanted was for Isaak to be able to come to Charming and be a part of his life. For their relationship to be more than just hidden trysts, sex and stolen moment and whispers in the dark. But now… now he wanted that privacy. He didn’t want to answer the questions. He didn’t want to feel the stares. He didn’t want Isaak in his house.

That would make it all real.

He just wanted it to be simple. For a little bit, he just wanted it to be simple.

Sex.

Mind numbing, spine-crumbling pleasurable sex. He didn’t want to think about the rings in the drawer. He tried to ignore Isaak’s gentle loving touches. He didn’t need the love. He didn’t have the capacity for love. He just wanted simple truths: Isaak wanted him, they had sex for no other reason than wanting to. No one else. No other motives.

But every time Isaak touched him, Jax felt… both like he didn’t trust the affections shown him, but also that Isaak’s wishes, expectations was strangling him. He was veering between feeling like he wasn’t getting enough, and feeling pressured by Isaak wanting too much.

He just wanted it to be simple.

“Hey,” greeted as he came in. “Didn’t know you’d be here. Where’s Neeta?”

“Giving Abel a bath. I just arrived. Your mother said you had a tough day.”

His mom had only just returned to TM from Isaak’s office. “How’d you get here so fast?”

Isaak smiled, “I was already on my way home from the office. I figured I’d pick you up for dinner. Perhaps give Neeta the night off?”

Jax sighed sadly, “I’ve got a run tonight man.”

“Do you have time to eat?”

Jax nodded, “A few hours.”

“Then that is settled. Abel can stay the night, if you don’t mind? I have a room for him. And I can arrange tomorrows schedule with Neeta? Let the woman spend the morning with her own children?”

Jax nodded. He could tell Isaak was not his usual cocksure self. He knew the older man didn’t want to overstep. Their renewed relationship was still very new and fragile, even if it was passionate and all-consuming. Bringing Abel into it was a bit scary. “Tara takes him to daycare in the mornings. I don’t want to fuck up his routine…”

“Ah,” Isaak nodded, and gave a small smile. Jax’s stomach sank at Isaak’s disappointment. It didn’t show , but he knew Isaak well enough to know he was putting his game face on. He wouldn’t put his game face on unless he was hiding something. Something that hurt. “Well, come to think of it, you shouldn’t miss his bedtime. I can’t imagine a single father often has the privilege to be home before his child sleeps.”

“Isaak-”

“Be safe, Jackson,” Isaak cut him off and buttoned his jacket.

Jax sighed, “I will,” he replied. Isaak gave a brief nod as he left the house.

  
#

Isaak cursed himself to the heavens as he left Jax’s home. How could he have been so gullible, so stupid to think Jax would allow him to spend any time with his son without his supervision. He had not held the boy since he was only a few months old, and despite the few times he had the opportunity to care for the little boy, he missed the child. But worse still, why had he thought his presence at his doorstep would be welcome? He knew Jax well enough to know that this time around, he was the dirty secret.

He started the car and drove around the corner before he stopped again. He was not in a frame of mind to drive. He needed a moment.

It was the times when Jax pulled away or rejected his heartfelt affection, that Isaak was reminded so painfully of his grave mistakes. Jax had been his wholeheartedly. Loving, devoted, trusting and completely his. He had been scared of what his family and his club would do if they knew of his leanings towards his own sex, something which hadn’t bothered Isaak at all, as it had been convenient for him. But now they knew and accepted it, and it was something else entirely, something far more sinister that kept them in this purgatory, and that was the faint scar that Jax bore across the side of his face, and the memory of blood smeared on the back of Isaak’s hand.

Furious with himself, Isaak slammed his hands on the wheel. With an angry huff he got out of the car and lit a cigarette. He did not often smoke and had no desire for his car to reek of burnt tobacco, but it calmed his nerves, and the brief respite he would gain from it was sorely needed.   
  
“Didn’t know you smoked.”

Isaak exhaled slowly, and closed his eyes, “Some days call for the calming effects of nicotine.” He inhaled deeply and spoke as the smoke flickered from his lips. He tried to keep his tone light and quizzical, but by the look on Jax’s face he knew he failed. “Was there something in particular or did you just fancy a neighbourhood walk?”

“I saw you stop here.”

“You’ve become quite a prodigy at the obtuse, my dear.”

Jax huffed and crossed his arms over his chest, “I wanted to see if you were okay.”

Isaak dropped the remainder of the cigarette on the ground and opened the driver-side door, “Merely a long day,” he said mildly.

“That’s bullshit,” Jax said plainly. Isaak paused. He bit his tongue, knowing nothing he felt like saying would amount to anything good. Isaak was about to get in what Jax spoke again. “So that’s it. Doesn’t go your way, you sulk and stomp off?”

And Isaak snapped. “You’ve made it perfectly clear that unless I’m screwing your brains out, my presence couldn’t be any less wanted for.” He slammed the door shut - not that it had any satisfactory effect as his car has auto-close doors, which just pissed him off more.

As he started the engine, Jax opened the door, “That’s not true, Isaak. I don’t want you to be angry with me.”

Isaak sighed, deflating, “I’m not angry with you. I’m angry with myself.”

“For what?”

“Being the cause of your distrustful nature.”

“I’ve always been this way.”

Isaak gave him a look, “Now who is full of shit?”

“Why don’t you come back in?” Jax asked. “Screw my brains out, since it’s all you’re good for-” he joked.

Isaak raised a brow, “Abel?”

“Kid fell asleep in the bath. World War Three couldn’t wake him.”

  
And so the evening ended quite predictably, but as Isaak did his best and made Jax scream, shake, tremble and eventually tears slipping down his cheeks as he tried to cope with the overwhelming sensations, he himself didn’t find much pleasure in the act. Jax was as beautiful as ever, as hot, tight and lovely as ever. But his heart wasn’t in it. And if Jax noticed his quiet demeanor, he didn’t comment. He leaned against the headboard, plagued by thoughts he’d rather not be thinking. Jax was curled under his arm, still trembling a little in his sleep. His mouth was swollen and bruised as Isaak had gagged him to keep quiet. His eyes flickered briefly to the marks Jax’ teeth had made on his forearm.

Rolling them over, Isaak spread Jax’s thighs and sank into him once more. It was something he quite enjoyed, fucking Jax when he was already lose and wet. It was one of the few scenarios where he could just sink into him, as deep as he could go and not worry for causing him pain with his girth and length. Jax struggled underneath him, half conscious, body exhausted and much in need of sleep. As it were, Jax loved it, precisely for the same reason. Isaak knew damned well Jax has a size kink and loved it when Isaak would fuck him roughly. Even more so to be woken by a large toy being worked into him, or just outright skewered on Isaak’s own manhood.

Jax came quickly, ass pulsing and clenching around him. Isaak groaned as he filled him with another load. Jax mewed quietly, pushing back against him, his soft hole stretching to take Isaak’s whole cock and root. Isaak yanked Jax up by his hip and slid his fingers in beside his cock. After a moment of curious consideration, he pressed deeper and used his fingers to shove his balls into Jax’s hole, sinking deeper than he though he possibly could. Jax squirmed frantically against him, shocked by the delicious fullness.

As Jax settled beneath him, heart beating hard, swimming between sleep and a pleasure haze, Isaak hummed in pleasure.

When Jax was fully asleep once more, Isaak pulled out gently and wrapped the sheets around Jax, nesting him. Isaak got dressed with a sad frown on his face. There was nothing he wanted more than to stay, but at the same time, he did not feel comfortable by Jax’s side, in his bed. He turn the alarm clock on to ring in thirty minutes. That should give Jax sufficient time to prepare for the run.

Isaak couldn’t help but feel something was broken now. Maybe more than it was before.

 

#

Armando looked at Jax as they walked. “I’m sorry for the disrespect from my Sergeant. I heard your man kept you all protected in county. Money talks, eh?”

Jax paused and cleared his throat, uncomfortable, “News travels fast.”

“Not as such. Update came down the line. Not hard to put two-and-two together.” Armando shrugged. “I will vote to disregard those bylaws. Show respect and brotherhood. But in the end, it’s up to the table.”

“I appreciate that,” Jax nodded, wanting this conversation to be over quickly.

“Isaak Sirko, uh. Heavy hitter,” Armando couldn’t help giving Jax a once over, something the VP of SAMCRO noticed. Jax’s blue eyes hardened. Then they softened. He cocked his head, the way he knew Isaak always found so sweet.

Jax had always been a good looking man. Anyone with eyes could see he was pretty boy. Though, merely noticing in the passing a pleasing visage was not the same as knowing what those plush pink lips could - and would do. Even just the passing thought of how that gleaming blond hair would bounce when - Armando cleared his throat, and gave his nose a quick rub. “Next time, I hope I meet the guy who managed to domesticate Jax Teller.”

“Ain’t that easy to domesticate me, Armando. Just because Sirko and I had our tumbles, doesn’t mean I’ll bring him home to mom.” Jax wet his lower lip and sighed softly. “This vote, this change. It was about honesty. Family and peace. Anything apart from that… just gotta see what happens,” he said vaguely, enjoying seeing Armando squirm a little.

Armando nodded and cleared his throat. “Let’s get going.”

Jax smiled to himself, knowing perfectly well what was going through Armando’s head.

#

  
Heading up from Los Angeles, Jax was irritated. The meet between the Charming, Tuscon, Indian Hills, and Los Angeles charters hadn’t gone as smoothly as he’d hoped. The Los Angeles charter had been chill. They always were. They didn’t care about shit that didn’t have anything to do with money. LA was too a vicious city for them to afford caring about something as low-key as where their VP stuck his dick. SAMTAZ was another matter. Jax had born the brunt of it and left them with their options; get with the program, or get the fuck out of his club. They didn’t have to amend their bylaws, but they would lay the fuck off SAMCRO for amending theirs. That said, he’d enjoyed making Armando sweat.

“You okay Jax?” Ope asked as they parked their biked back at TM.

“Why?”

“Some harsh words from TAZ.” Ope said, feeling awkward.

“Takes more than words to get under my skin Ope,” Jax bit.

“Got a bit personal…”

Jax glanced over at him, he had Isaak saying shit without saying shit, being all obtuse European mannered and fuck all. He didn’t need that from Ope. “How about you rear up your homegrown American savagery tell me straight what’s on your mind Ope?”

“I’m worried what the other charters will do. What this will expose you to. Disrespect is one thing… but it could escalate. Especially overseas.”

Jax leaned back and studied his brother. “That all you’re worried about?” Then he huffed and kicked his bike back into gear. “Don’t worry about me. My sugar-daddy got me covered, remember.” Remembering that comment now, it stung even more knowing that Ope had known what Isaak had done, and still used it against him.

“Jax-” Opie rose from his bike, shouting after him.

Jax didn’t stop and just rode off. TAZ-crew sprouting bullshit hadn’t bothered him, but how Opie reacted to it did bother him.

  
#

Opie stopped by Chibs who was working on a car. “Jax is fucking around with Sirko again,” Opie said quietly, a frown marring his face.  
Chibs looked at him in mild surprise, “He said something?”  
“I can smell it on him.” Chibs gave Opie an odd look. “Figure of speech,” Ope amended. But it wasn’t.   
Chibs raised a brow, not knowing what to think. Eventually he sighed. “Jax is a grown man, Ope.”  
“You haven’t seen what I’ve seen, Chibs. You didn’t see him cry, the nightmares… I can’t just stand by and watch this guy tear Jax apart again.”   
Chibs considered the information carefully. “I suggest we just leave it alone and see where it goes. Either Jax will get it out of his system or… we deal with it. As I said, Jax is a grown man. He's your brother Ope, you were in nappies together. Your brotherhood is more than ink - deep.” Chibs paused at the pained expression of Ope’s face. “Did something happed between the two of you?” He asked. It wasn’t something that wouwld have crossed his mind before, but now… No one hade ver been closer to JAx than Ope. Ope got up and started walking away, but Chibs wouldn’t have it. “Ope,” Chibs said seriously.   
“It was a long time ago. And it ain’t the fucking point.”

“Are you jealous?”

Opie paused and looked at Chibs, “No,” he said, almost surprised at feeling the truth of his own words. “I know I fucked up at church, but I’m fucking terrified for him, cause Jax’s never gives half of himself. He’s an all-or-nothing guy. And Isaak… he’s destructive. He makes Jax happy for a while, then he tears him down, breaks him. Hale was scared for Jax’s life.”

“I hear you Ope,” Chibs said sadly, “But all we can do is be here when shit goes down. If we act preemptively, it ain’t Isaak that Jax will be pissed at.” He paused thoughtfully. “Perhaps… if you and Jax had a thing, it shouldn’t be coming from you at all.”

Opie crossed his arms and leaned against the beam. “I keep thinking… I keep thinking if I hadn’t married Lyla, Jax would never have gone back to him,” he admitted quietly. “I read the situation wrong and… I’m not sure how badly I hurt him.”

Chibs was surprised, “That recent?”

“Lyla knew. She was cool with it. She knew Jax needed me. Knew I needed to be there for him.”

“And when he went inside it all unraveled?”

“Wasn’t ‘til he came back out. He found out Isaak was with someone else when they first met. Said he couldn’t deal with being anyones second choice again. He wasn’t, but had to respect how he felt about it. At the time, telling anyone wasn’t on the horizon for him. Got too complicated.” While he might have been honest about not being jealous, bile rose in his mouth as he spoke. He wasn’t jealous, but he remembered his nose in the nape of Jax’s neck, his sweaty back against his chest. He remembered and his gut tightened in faint regret and affection.

“Aye…” Chibs nodded thoughtfully. “Was it that bad?” Opie grimaced and gave a short nod. “You said nightmares?”

“He’d wake up in the middle of the night, thinking I was him… freaking out so bad he couldn’t breathe… when that was done he’d remember Abel was gone and just break down. He blamed himself. Blamed himself for not being there. For Tara. For Hale. Blamed himself for his concussion. Said if he’d just not kept pushing, then Isaak’s wouldn’t have lost his temper and he would have been fast enough…”

“That’s some impressive guilt-acrobatics,” Chibs muttered and flipped the wrench. “I get where your anger comes from Ope, but you gotta keep a lid on it. Jax ain’t yours to lay your claim on anymore. Unfortunately you don’t get to decide how Jax moves on. You just have to be there for him if it goes south. We all have to. With this… it’s new to all of us… I dunno Ope. None of us have ever interfered when one of our brothers have gotten violent with their old ladies. Not even when it was Gemma. I’m not sure how much of a right we have interfering with Jax’s relationships.”

Opie shifted, uncomfortable with the truth Chibs was laying on him. It was true that they were very good at looking the other way when the ladies of the club came in with bruises. None of them were ever faithful. But this was Jax. His Jax. Their Jax. They swore to protect each other and they had failed their VP.

 

 

 

 


	34. 4.10

  
“The car needs an oil change,” Jurg said a week later “Can we stop at Teller-Morrow and schedule it on the way?” Jurg asked.

Isaak groaned. He knew perfectly well what his loyal right hand was up to. While the oil change might be legitimate, there was no reason for it being necessary for it to be done before he dropped him off at Lumpy’s gym. So yeah, Isaak wasn’t falling for it, but by the look on Jurg’s face, he’d had enough of his brooding. “Fine,” he grumbled. With any luck Jax would not be there anyhow. The SOA boys were usually out and about most days.

A few minutes later they turned in to the TM garage and lo’ and behold, there was a long line of gleaming Harleys in the lot. Jurg parked and exited, beelining to the office. As Gemma came towards the car, Isaak saw no choice but to subject himself to socializing. Keeping good business relationships and all that. “Gemma,” he greeted as he stepped out.

“What brings you here?” Gemma greeted him with a pleasant smile and a handshake.

“Jurg insists the car needs an oil change,” Isaak shrugged. “Otherwise everything is running as it should.”

“Yeah, the birds were tweeting that you might be heading back to Kiev?” she prodded. She’d heard Isaak’s assistant speaking with someone on the phone at the store, saying she would be in Kiev soon.

Isaak paused and frowned, “I suppose the time is nearing,” he replied vaguely, “I have some business I’d rather handle in person. There doesn’t seem to be urgent keeping me here.”

“Nothing at all?” Gemma asked innocently. “Jax couldn’t keep you here?”

Isaak buttoned his jacket and cracked his neck. “If you have something to say, say it plainly, Mrs. Morrow. Today is not the day for vague conversations.”

“You and Jax have been fucking about on the sly. Don’t you think circumstances have changed, that maybe you should consider staying? For his sake?”

Isaak grinned, white teeth gleaming. “I am afraid that I’m not such a simple creature that I’ll be lead by my cock to make decisions crucial to my livelihood.”

“All men are simple creatures,” Gemma said meaningfully. “Jax ain’t good with words. And he’s not good at expressing how he feels. Isn’t it enough for now that he loves you in private?”

The smile faded from Isaak’s face. “If I had any faith Jax loved me still, it might have been enough.”

Gemma shook her head sadly, “Do you really believe that?”

“I learn it anew every time he turns away.”

#

Coming into the club house, Gemma gestured for her son to follow her to the back. “Jax, you have to decide.”

“Decide what?” Jax cocked a brow and flicked the ashes off his smoke.

“About Isaak.”

Jax sighed, “Mom-”

“This ain’t me pushing, Jax, but the clock is ticking. How much longer to you think Isaak can hold on, if he thinks you don’t love him no more,” she asked, giving her son a searching look.

Jax stepped back, surprised, “Where are you getting this from?”

“He’s outside. He’s not here for you. His driver got tired of his brooding and magiced up some mysterious need for an oil change to get him here.” Gemma shook her head, sad, “He’s not the kind of man who will be satisfied by having your body, Jax. He needs your heart.”

“He has it, I just -”

“I know that. But the man out there might as well have a gaping wound in his chest. Punish him all you like, and take the time you need, but let him know that is what’s going on. Otherwise, by the time you’re ready to let go of your pain, you might lose him.”

“What did he say?”

“That you have made it clear that he doesn’t have a place in you life. And he’s not sure you love him no more. He’s still here because he is desperate for you, Jax. You need to go out there and either put him out of his misery, or let him know he has a chance at rebuilding.”

  
#

  
Jurg was stalling and as he saw Jax walking towards him, Isaak knew why. As he stood seemingly busy on his phone, the Sons lounging on the benches and around the boxing ring left him alone. In truth he was playing Hungry Shark. Knowing Jax was perfectly aware that he was not busy, he put the phone away.

“Sending my mom to fight your battles…” Jax tutted.

Isaak sighed, “Perhaps your mother should learn not to meddle.”

Jax smiled weakly, “It doesn’t work quite like that. Gemma is queen of this hive.”

“Aye, well. I’ll be on my way soon enough,” he gestured to Jurg. When he turned back, Jax had stepped closer. He was standing so close, he was crowding him against the car. Jax put a hand on the roof of the car, trapping him. It must have been a humorous sight, as Isaak was a good few inches taller than him. It felt like it happened in slow motion, but at the same time too fast to comprehend. Jax’s other hand came up to his face, settled at his neck and pulled him down. He felt familiar lips upon his own. Before his mind could catch up, his instincts had acted, and he kissed back.

In full view to everyone on the lot at TM.

 

“I love you,” Jax whispered against his lips. He felt Isaak hesitate to put his hands on him, as they were in full view of the Sons. “I love you,” he repeated, “I’m just scared shitless and I’m trying to make sense of everything. It’s just… it’s so much. I don’t know what I’d do with myself,” Jax said quietly. Finally he felt Isaak’s hands settle on his waist, gently pulling him closer. “I don’t feel the same anymore. It doesn’t feel the same anymore. Sometimes I want to crawl into your skin and… sometimes I feel… really far away. And it changes all the time. I ain’t always gonna be easy to be around, but I need you to stick around… to do the heavy lifting, cause I’ve got enough trying to find some steady ground.” He looked searchingly at Isaak.

“Can I kiss you again,” Isaak whispered. Jax replied by kissing him once more, this time, within Isaak’s warm embrace. The heated embrace drew some additional attention from his brothers, but they had the good sense to keep their mouths shut. Jax rested his head against Isaak’s shoulder.

“You left without waking me.”

“I thought I’d save us an awkward farewell.”

“Was mom right? Were you gonna leave?” Jax didn’t care that they were having this conversation in public, where anyone who cared to could listen if they tried.

“I was starting to feel I might not have anything to stay for.”

Jax exhaled sorrowfully. “I’m -”

Isaak kissed him, “I’m sorry, Sweetness” he cut him off. “I let my own demons get the best of me.”

Jax huffed, “Fucking hell. With the shit I do every day, how the fuck can you call me that?”

“Because you are the sweetest pleasure in my life.”

“Fuck, you smooth-talker.”

Isaak chuckled, the relief making his body feel light, tension slipping from his muscles.

“Look, we’re going on another run this afternoon, but moms having a cook-out tomorrow evening. Come?”

“I would like that very much,” Isaak nodded, surprised at the invitation, but also relieved. “Where are you headed?”

“Up to the old Devil’s Tribe.”

“Your Vegas charter? That’s through a lot of Mayan territory.”

“Yeah, but we’re traveling low profile. Everything should be fine.” Jax saw the look on Isaak’s face. “You’re still gonna keep an eye on me, uh?”

“My paranoia has usually been justified.”

“Granted…”

“May I let my contacts know you’re coming, so they may assist you, should something happen?”

“Will it make you feel better?”

“Marginally.”

“Fine. Perhaps I should start calling you ‘daddy’?”

Isaak cleared his throat, “That is one kink I have never been partial to.”

“Then stop acting like one, or you might have to get used to it.”

Isaak growled under his breath. “I’d suffer it if it keeps your reckless posterior alive and out of prison.”

 

#

 

 

“I went to the house. Called Neeta. She said you’d given her the night and tomorrow off,” Gemma said.

Jax glanced up from the engine he was working on. “Abel will be with Isaak.”

Gemma paused. She was about to question whether that was a good idea, but she could tell Jax sensed her hesitance, so she crushed it. “They get along well?”

“Yeah. Seemed sensible to let Abel stay with Isaak instead of keeping Neeta away from her kids overnight again.”

Gemma nodded. That was sensible.

Jax sighed. They’d cleared a good amount of shit between them when Jax had told her the truth about the last few years, and he didn’t want to muddy the waters again over this. “Mom. I know you ain’t all steady on Isaak yet but… he’s always been so good with him. Used to carry him for hours when he wouldn’t sleep. I think he really missed him. My boys were so happy when I said they could spend the day together.”

“Baby-”

“And I know you’re keeping shit from me, cause you don’t want to push me away, push me further towards him, make me feel trapped and shit… you have no idea how much I appreciate that mom, letting me figure shit out in my own time, in my own way. Earlier… if it wasn’t for you, I would have lost any chance to make that decision for myself.”

Gemma shook her head fondly, “Since when could you read me so well?”

“You made me,” Jax smiled, “And you’ve never been one to mince your words. I notice the effort you’re making for me.” He shot a quick glance at Ope. “Not everyone does that.”

“Lyla told me about your tumble with Ope before county. She thinks that’s why he’s so wound up about this.”

Jax shrugged, “I don’t know ma. Don’t feel like I know Ope much at all these days.”

Gemma nodded and patted his cheek. “He’ll come around. Tara is helping me prepare the cook-out. You bring your man, like we talked about? Might be time to introduce him,” she raised a brow, “-formally, that is, if he’s spending alone time with your kid. Might be time to stop hiding and fucking around in secret… and making out in the parking lot.”

Jax just sighed, tired, and turned his attention back to the car in front of him. “Yeah.” He needed a good long night of sleep before then. He just hoped the run would go smoothly.

 

  
#

  
Gemma was preparing for the cook-out when people were starting to appear to help out. There was a lot of things to get ready, and they were testing a few new recipes for the fundraiser. Tara was one of the first to turn up. That she was grateful for, as she needed to talk. “Tara” she greeted.

“Hi Gemma. Am I early?”

“Yes, but I asked you to come early, cause I need to tell you something.”

“Alright.”

“Isaak might be coming for dinner.”

“What -!”

“Tara, hear me out.” Tara crossed her arms over her chest, but listened. “I listened to everything Jax had to tell. I held him while he cried. I told him and should he want to give Isaak another chance, then I will stand right next to him and welcome Isaak into my home; I support Jax completely. Should he chose not to, then that is fine as well, and I’ll break out the secret liquor stash and drink his sorrows away. I also said that should he hurt him again, I’ll cut his heart out.” Tara just scowled. “I know you don’t agree-”

“You haven’t seen what I’ve seen.”

“No I haven’t. But Jax needs someone in his corner. So I’m gonna be in his corner. I know my son. Hating on Isaak is only gonna drive him right to him. Jax needs to make his own choices, secure knowing we love him no matter what. Even if Isaak ever puts his hands on him again… leaving Isaak has to be Jax’s choice. No one can do that for him. No matter how badly we want him to. You feel strongly because, like me, you love Jax, but that big brain of your knows how Jax will react if you start pushing too hard.” Gemma sighed, “I have to let Jax have the same choice I did. I chose to stay with Clay after he… he beat me bloody.”

Tara chewed her lip, “Fine.” She grumbled. Of course, she knew Gemma was right. All her years as a doctor also told her that Gemma was right. But patients were patients. Jax… Jax was her Jax. Jax was family. That made it harder to see the what the right thing to do was. Sometime the right thing to do was to do nothing, and just pick up and piece together what was left if things went wrong. “I’ll be nice. But only because Jax doesn’t need anyone giving him a hard time.”

#

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	35. 4.11

Ch. 11 Summary: Dinner time with the Tellers & co.

  
#

Gemma opened the door, seeing her son with the handsome older man she’d only ever seen in fancy suits, now standing in front of her in… a slightly more casual suit. "Nice to see you without the money-talk," she said and tilted her head up.

“Indeed, ma'm.”

“Hm, you show up here after years of fucking my son, and you don't even bring wine?”

“Mom!”

While Jax blushed, Isaak didn't miss a beat. "Brought aquavit. I'll bring the wine next time."

Gemma gave him a calculating look. "Kid has crappy taste in women. Good to see he chooses his men more wisely." She looked Jax over and saw that he was wearing different clothes than what he usually wore underneath his kutte.

Jax rubbed his neck awkwardly, "Is everyone here?"

"Bobby and Clay hasn’t arrived yet. They’re on their way.” Gemma said and shot Isaak a look. "Hope you ain't vegan. We don't do vegan in this household."

“Carnivore until my death, ma’am.”

“Stop with the ma’am bullshit. I might be the mother of this house, but you’re my age. The shit just makes me feel old. Like I said before, call me Gemma. I’m more interested in why you didn’t make your intentions clear when you came to town.”

“Asides from not being aware of to what degree my intentions had merit, I’m quite grateful not to be born in the middle ages.” Isaak said with a smile. It was Jax’s turn to roll his eyes. Leave it to Isaak to tell his mom to fuck off so nicely it made her laugh.

Pretty much everyone stopped and stared as Jax and Isaak came in. It was strange to see Jax as anything but brash and loud, there he was pretty much tucked against Isaak’s side. The first person to react was Abel, who ran to Isaak and demanded to be picked up. The boy laid his head on Isaak’s shoulder, hugged him tightly and muttered, “Hi.” Abel had really liked his room at Isaak’s house, and thus Isaak was approved in his books.

It warmed his heart to see Isaak hug his son back and say, “I missed you too kiddo. Why don’t you introduce me to your friends?” Abel nodded eagerly. Isaak put him down and Abel dragged him around the room and introduced him to everyone.

“And who is Isaak?” Layla asked with smile.

Abel giggled, “He’s my other daddy, silly.” Isaak opened his mouth to correct him, but Abel’s hand was on his mouth, “It’s rude to interrupt.” Isaak snapped his mouth shut. Schooled by a five year old. He heard Jax snort behind him. He glanced over his shoulder to see Jax with a fain flush in his cheeks.

  
#

Isaak had expected this dinner to be awkward as hell, but so far everyone had been very pleasant. He had no doubt it would cool off once the kids had gone to bed, so he enjoyed it while it lasted.

Clay sipped his beer, “So I hear you’re a vet as well?” They’d come to a silent agreement not to talk any business, and it was a the appropriate time to talk personal histories. Clay’s own method of stepping up to the father-position in JAx’s life might not have been the way things should be done, but since John wasn’t there to give Isaak the 3rd degree, he, like with everything else father-related, stepped up, like the step-dad he was.

“Twenty-three years,” Isaak confirmed.

“You must have enlisted young.”

“Sixteen.”

Clay whistled. “That legal?”

“Mother Russia does not ask how old you are, as long as you’re tall enough and you hit what you aim for.”

Clay wheezed in laughter. “No shit. You a good shot?”

“Very.” Isaak’s lips parted, showing his white teeth. Jax’s stepfather was sizing him up, and Isaak had no intention of not delivering on his reputation.

Tig whistled, “You sure knows how to pick ‘em Jax.”

Just then Gemma came in with the steaks and everyone swarmed to the table. Isaak hung up his jacket and not unexpectedly, Abel climbed into his lap.

“So why’d you retire?” Tig asked.

“Ah well, in my old age I aspired to more a comfortable living and to enjoy the finer things in life. Though most things are finer than the army. An opportunity came along and I took it.”

“And you never looked back?” Tara asked.

“The only reason to look back is to learn from your mistakes,” Isaak’s eyes flickered to Jax. “Retiring was a good decision. And you, Tara. You’re a doctor. Surgeon, I hear. You fixed Abel’s heart,” Isaak redirected the conversation artfully, but pointedly enough for their company to know he was done with the subject.

“I assisted on his case. I was not his attending.”

“You have extraordinarily steady hands, small hands. You must be quickly advancing in your field.”

“Um, yes,” Tara paused, “I’m being scouted by a private practice in Oregon.”

“That’s amazing, Tara,” Gemma smiled, “Have you talked to them about details?”

“They want me as a partner, a part owner.” Tara blushed in excitement, but tempered herself, “The offer is not officially on the table yet. There are a few milestone procedures I need to do before then, but I should have them done within the year.”

“Fucking hell Tara,” Jax exclaimed, “This is your dream. You should go for it.”

“I know, but my life and my family is here in Charming.”

“We’re not going anywhere, doll,” Bobby said. “Follow your dreams. Just make sure to visit us small-town folk once in a while.”

Tara nodded, “I’ll think about it,” she said with a shrug.Gemma gave her a warning glare, “I’ll think about it seriously,” she amended with a smile.

#

“You surviving so far? Any second thoughts?” Jax asked quietly.

Isaak nodded sagely. Abel was asleep in the nook of his arm, having claimed the spot immediately. Isaak had been descended upon by the other children as well, but they had been taken home by Lyla and put to bed.

“I never actually thought we’d get here,” Jax admitted softly, he still wasn’t entirely comfortable, but this evening, having Isaak here, it felt far less invasive than he had anticipated. Isaak smiled and leaned into the touch. To be honest, neither had he, but he had hoped. And with his tenacious tendencies, he usually got what he wanted. It took him the better part of two years to get Jax to listen. That said, he could have forced that conversation a lot sooner, but he doubted it would have had the same result if Jax hadn’t had the time to heal.

  
#

Tara caught Jax in the kitchen. “I’m really happy for you, Jax,” she said.

Jax sighed, “You don’t have to say that. I know you don’t like him.”

“I like the look he puts on your face,” she said softly. “I like the way he makes you smile, and laugh. I won’t lie, and say I don’t have my misgivings, but… it makes me happy that all the things you were so afraid of, didn’t happen. And yes, I’m even happy for you, that you’re trying to work things out. It wasn’t my first choice for you, but I’ve seen how miserable you are without him. As long as he is good to you…”

“Thank you Tara,” Jax whispered, a little overwhelmed.

“Just promise me, if you start doing scenes again, we go back to regular check-ups?”

“And if you leave town, Dr. Hot-Shot?”

“Then I will recommend a doctor that I trust.”

Jax nodded. “I can do that, Doc. For now, we’re just… being normal.” Apart from that one time, but the marks had faded and Isaak had plainly refused to do it again. “If we ever start doing real scenes again, I’ll tell you.”

“Thank you,” she hugged him.

“Look, I’ve got something I need to ask you,” Jax glanced towards their company.

“Anything,” Tara said softly, lowering her voice as Jax had.

“Hale’s lawyer sent a police file and copies from my medical files to Ope.” Jax saw the resigned expression on Tara’s face. “You knew,” he deducted.

“I told you Hale said that he had to make the file just in case he came for you, and you needed protection beyond the club. He said… that if I didn’t supply the medical information, then he would file it formally and it would go on your record.”

Jax bit his lip, “That would have been a death sentence for me, Tara.”

“I know, which is why I agreed. I’m so sorry Jax. But I needed his help to get to you, and… on some level, he was right. It was a back-up, in case you ran out of options.”

“Did you know he would send it to Ope?”

She shook her head, “No. I didn’t know. He said he made contingencies, but not that…”

“Did you know he played me, to pull me away from Isaak?”

“Did he-” The look on Jax’s face told here everything she needed to know. “Oh god.” Tara gasped and hid her face in her hands. “Jax…” Jax looked away, feeling resentful towards Ope. “When?”

“Just after Abel was kidnapped. And in Ireland. He said… wanted to keep it up when we go out of county, but… not really big on the married guys. I don’t know if that was his intention but… kinda feels that way now that I know he knew…”

“I’m sorry. I was just trying to protect you. You were struggling with so much, I just thought you needed your privacy to grieve.”

“It’s not your fault Tara. It was Opie’s choice.”

“Love you Tara,” he said and pulled her into a hug.

“I love you, Jax,” she replied. “I’m gonna stay here tonight. I’ll come over with Abel in the morning, m’kay? Let you two have the evening.”

“Thank you Tara.”

#

Jax had subtly requested that they’d leave his mom’s cook-out. His mom joked that seeing his man all domesticated got him turned on. Boy was she right. But in the end, he had been too tired to actually do anything. Morning-sex, on the other hand, was still on the table.

Eventually Jax had grown tired of Isaak's seductive sweet kisses and shoved him on his back and climbed on top. At last, with a guttered broken moan, he settled in his lap. Jax shivered and growled lustily. Supporting himself on Isaak's abs he straightened his spine and sank down just a little. He hissed, biting his lip. It felt so much bigger from this position.

Isaak chuckled and kneaded his hips. "You alright?" he asked, a smile twitching at his lips. Jax glowered at him and pressed down a little further, making his muscles strain and Isaak got a small furrow in his brow. He inhaled deeply and clenched and released a few times to relax, so his body would accept the invasion. Jax purred happily and wiggled a little, getting comfortable. Isaak was not objecting. In fact, he was very happy with the development. He jerked his hips, grinning at the shot of arousal that cut though his gut when Jax stuttered. The younger man gave him a chiding slap for moving.

Jax circling his hips slowly and deliberately, each rock deep and punishing in a delicious way. Being in complete control it didn't take long for Jax to take what he needed. Slick with sweat, seed and bone tired, he fell against his lover's chest. Jax grinned to himself, liking the sound of it. "Hm," he moaned when Isaak spread his cheeks and braced his feet on the bed, jacking his hips up brutally. He was so hard and Jax was moaning breathlessly in his ear as pleasure rained down on his oversensitive body was turning him on something bad, even when he was completely jello

Just the sounds he was making was making Isaak want to crawl into him, bury himself in him. His cock ached and every time he rammed into that glorious heat it felt like he was pouring cold water on a burn. He could feel his balls drawing up, Jax mewing almost pitifully in his ear, footsteps, his gut tightening, Tara walking in, their eyes locking, the fire bursting and Jax sobbing as his body shook with his every move.

Isaak felt his spine arch, lifting himself and his partner off the bed a few inches before rolling them over and truly sliding home. Jax cried out at the deep and harsh penetration and his body jerked and shook in pleasure.

#

Tara stood in the doorway, frozen watching her friend in the throes of passion. The picture was obscene. Jax glowed like gold in the morning sun from the window and she couldn't help but notice the muscles bulge, reaper tattoo shining with sweat, kneeling over the Russian, tired, vulnerable, exposed, impaled. Sirko was bigger, a little softer around the edges, but no less impressive.

  
Isaak’s steely eyes found her green. His immediate reaction was to roll them around and pull the covers around a still keening and trembling Jax, covering their intimate moment from her intrusive presence. Making an odd noise she backed out of the room and closed the door.

A few minutes later Isaak came out, with an almost odd glow about him. Tara's heart skipped a beat; he looked vibrant and alive. More so than he ever did. All suited up Isaak always looked cold and dangerous. Now he was just a man, a rather attractive human male who was flushed from exertion and faint scratch marks across his chest and shoulders. For the first time she could actually see what Jax saw, to a degree. Passion like that was hard to come by. But she still had the image of the x-ray of Jax’s broken scull mirrored in her retinas. Isaak standing in front of her reeking of sex and pheromones would never do anything to change that for her.

"I came over with Abel," she said, her voice sounding strange. "He's asleep in his bed."

"Ok…" Isaak truly had no idea what to say.

"Yeah…”

"Tara, I apologise. I didn't mean for you to see that," Isaak said, “I should have thought to closed the door-”

"I should have knocked I just didn't think… fuck -" her voice was raw. She exhaled. "I'm just gonna go before this gets more awkward. I’ve gotta get some sleep before my shift."

"Yes…" Isaak didn't have the opportunity to say anything else before Tara disappeared out the door. "Fuck the world…" he muttered to himself and went to crawl back into bed with a very tired lover.

Lover.

Isaak smiled to himself.

That sounded good.

 

 

 


	36. 4.12

Summary: Isaak seeks a solution. Jax doesn’t like it. Isaak doesn’t care. Tara is conflicted. Tara is relieved.

#

Isaak walked through the halls of St. Thomas, looking or a certain raven haired pediatrician. Jax’s dark moods and self-imposed isolation still occasionally reared their heads, and it worried Isaak very much. While they’d had sex many times since Jax’s demand of a - Isaak didn’t want to call it a scene, because it wasn’t. While they’d had sex many time since that time, Isaak could see Jax fighting the impulse to push against their boundaries. A part of Isaak thought Jax was pushing to see if Isaak would snap. Again. To prove himself right, in some twisted way. To give himself an excuse not to have to deal with the difficult emotions. With the resentment. The worst part was that there was nothing Isaak could do about it, and there wasn’t really anyone Jax could talk to. That he would talk to. “Ms. Knowles,”

“Isaak,” She stopped in surprise. “What can I do for you?”

“I’m here about Jax.”

“I guessed as much. Talk in my office?” she gestured.

“If you please.” Isaak followed her and as they entered her office, sat down on her couch. “Jackson is having some difficulties.”

“What kind of difficulties.”

Isaak gestured to his head, “That kind.”

Tara frowned, “I’m not sure I’m comfortable discussing Jax’s mental state without his consent or presence.”

“I’m not here to discuss it with you. I am here in hopes of getting a recommendation to a psychiatrist that you believe would be able to help him.”

“A psychiatrist?” Tara asked, a little stunned. She had been trying to make Jax go ever since he’d left Isaak, but to no avail. “I don’t think you’ll have much success in making him go. Lord knows I’ve tried.”

“Let me worry about that. Can you be of aid?”

“Is he alright?”

“A little off kilter, but I believe that with the right kind of guidance he will be well.”

“I’ll make an appointment for you,” Tara said, though not looking very happy.

“Tara, I wondered- would it perhaps be beneficial for Jax to speak with my therapist? Someone familiar with his situation and our history?”

“It’s a well-intended thought,” Tara replied diplomatically, “But medically, it would be a conflict of interest. Also I think Jax needs to talk to someone that is not connected. Someone that is his confidant, no one else’s. No opportunity for concerns to bleed over.”

“Well from that point of view.” Isaak agreed. “It was just a suggestion…”

“I know. I know it came from a good place,” Tara assured him. “But I will set up an appointment for him.”

Isaak nodded and got up, “Thank you, Ms. Knowles.”

“Call me Tara, Isaak. Jax loves you. In Charming, that makes us practically family.” Isaak paused, but eventually nodded, with a small smile. “And Isaak, you said you also have a therapist?”

“Indeed. Sometimes the perspective of a highly trained mind is very beneficial.”

“If necessary, would you consent to a few couples-sessions?”

Isaak nodded, “Yes, if it would help Jax.”

“I think it would help the both of you.”

Again, Isaak nodded, “We have unresolved issues. I had hoped that with time and some distance we could tackle them, one by one.”

“That’s not Jax’s style.”

Isaak gave half-hearted huff. “That I have come to realise.”

  
#

 

A few days later, padding out on the terrace for breakfast, Abel on his hip, Jax sat down. Isaak pushed plate towards him, but Jax shook his head. He wasn't hungry and he wasn't feeling all that fly.

“I've made an appointment for you.”

“Doc? I have Tara for that.”

“Psychiatrist.”

Jax cocked his head. “I don’t need a shrink,” he scowled.

Isaak hesitated for a second. “I want you to talk to him, Jax. About anything you might feel like.”

“You think I'm having trouble adjusting,” Jax arched a brow, feeling testy.

Isaak nodded. “Everything we’ve been through. There are some big changes in your life. And I know some issues are not easy to talk about, especially with me.” Isaak paused. “I have my own psychiatrist in Kiev.”

Jax paused, not having expected that. “Does it help?”

“Yes.”

“What do you talk about?”

“Everything. Anything that might weight on my mind.”

“Me?”

“Frequently,” he admitted. “You are on my mind more than you might imagine.”

Jax snorted, “Sucking up ain't gonna change the fact that you're sending me to a shrink to fix me.”

Isaak chuckled. “You got me there, my love.” But then he grew serious. “You are not broken, Sunshine. I have found, through experience, that discussing matters of the mind, heart and whatever else I might be pondering, is worth discussing with a mind learned in the ways of mankind. It offers perspectives one might not have thought of ourselves. It is entirely up to you what you talk about. I just want to give you the option.”

“I have other people to talk to.”

“Someone impartial. Someone you can tell anything without worrying about how they might feel about it. Or what they might do. Or how they might respond. Or whom they might tell.”

Jax picked on his food. Abel was chewing on apple boats quite happily, helping himself to his father's plate. Some things thankfully didn't change. Little thief, Jax thought fondly.

  
#

Jax tapped his fingers on his thigh impatiently. If there was one place in the world he didn’t want to be it was in this… he couldn’t decide if it was modern or old fashioned. It was weird and he did not fit in. “Mr. Teller,” the receptionist approached him, “You may head in now.”

  
He waved a half hearted thanks and walked in. The office was more serene looking. It looked like it belonged to a woman. In other words, soft and comfortable, but not to personable. He could see it was intentionally decorated to be a safe and neutral space. No wonder Tara liked this place.

“Mr. Teller,” he was greeted by a small blond woman. “I’m Dr. Tracy Vance.”

“Jax.” He replied tersely, a frown marring his face.

“I understand from Tara that you are not a fan of therapy.”

“Not really.”

She nodded, “That’s okay. Tara has not told me anything. Only that you might need someone impartial to talk to. Could you tell me a bit about your relationship with Tara. How did you meet?”

Jax shrugged. “We dated in High School.”

“No longer?” Jax shook his head. “How did it end?”

“Tara went to college, and to med-school. Life got in the way. You gonna ask me how I feel about that?” Jax sneered.

Dr. Vance smiled, “Yes.”

“I was pissed. But I got over it. She came back to Charming just in time for my son to be born. He heeded heart surgery and she was one of his doctors.”

“So you reconnected. How did that feel?”

Jax paused. How had that felt? “A relief. There was so much shit going on in my life at the time, it being Tara that was taking care of my boy… it was a load off. She was… is one of the smartest people I ever knew. I felt Abel would be safe with her.”

“And your sons mother?”

“She OD’d… junkie. Abel was born premature with a hole in his heart and his insides upside down. We made our peace, but she’s not around.”

“Was the circumstances surrounding your sons birth the reason you split?”

“No. We split long before that. We-” Jax huffed, amused, “We divorced as friends. We never really wanted to get married, it was just the thing to do. Mom wanted grandkids-” Jax shrugged, “You know how it goes.”

“Is your mother a strong influence in your life?”

Jax paused, then he nodded, “My brother, Thomas, died of heart failure when we were little. She held on a little tighter to me… than before that.” Dr. Vance nodded, but didn’t say anything. “Shortly before we found out Wendy was pregnant, the day before actually. I met someone… and she was happy for me. We decided to divorce, but keep living together and co-parent. She could finish her degree, it would be best for Abel…”

“What changed?”

“I’m not sure. It grew tense. We didn’t fight, or anything. I moved out. A few months later, she broke.”

“And this new person you met? How were they affected by the situation?” she asked, intentionally using neutral pronouns, as not to unintentionally assume.

Jax chuckled, a little frustrated at the situation, “Isaak. Yeah. I told my wife I was going for a joyride and I came back gay.” Jax served her some sarcastic as fuck jazz-fingers. “Yay.”

“How did your mother react?”

“I didn’t tell her. Not until… a couple of months ago.”

“And how much time had passed?”

“Five years.”

“Why wait so long?”

“You know the club?”

“I live in Charming,” she nodded. “Does that relate?”

“The Club has… had very strict bylaws. White, straight and a certain kind of biker… how far does your patient confidentiality reach?”

“Officially, you are not here, Jax. Tara is. Although I recommend you make your sessions official. That way you are legally protected by confidentiality, and not just by my ethics. How about we talk around any potentially criminal activity in this session, then you have some time to think about it, hm?”

“The club has strict bylaws… so I hid. I didn’t tell anyone. Except Tara.”

“Did you continue to see the man you met, Isaak?”

Jax nodded. “Yeah… context - Isaak and I did BDSM,” he paused bracing himself for any kind of reaction, but he got none from Dr. Vance. “Tara insisted I do check-ups with her every time I’d been to see him.”

“How did Isaak feel about you not coming out to your family?”

“He didn’t care. I didn’t know why at the time.”

“Do you know why now?”

“I’ll get to it. So… After a scene, I was dropping and I went looking for him. He he told me to go back to the bedroom… he got pissed off and he hit me. Cracked my scull open. So I packed my shit and left. Tara put me in the ICU for three days. Hale put together a file and told Tara if he didn’t get the pictures she’d taken, that he’d file it. Which… would be bad for me. Then my son got kidnapped. Opie, my best friend since we were in diapers… we got together for a short while.”

“You told him?”

“No. He said he figured it out on his own. That was bullshit. Hale sent him my file and I guess Opie figured that Isaak wouldn’t come looking for me if someone else had taken his place.” Dr. Vance paused her scribbling briefly, but other wise didn’t react. That was the only reaction he had gotten out of her. “To get my son back I made a deal with the ATF. Agent Stahl told me that Isaak… was a high ranking member of… an organisation. So I guess I didn’t know him at all. So fast forward a year. Isaak visits me in jail and tells me… that the reason he hit me was because his partner of fifteen years had just been killed… and that now he was in Charming to win me back.” Jax bit his lip. “Eventually I had to come clean to the club about how I knew Isaak. I tried to not go into detail, but Ope lost his temper and … said the only reason I left him at all was because… he beat me bloody. That’s how I found out he’d known all along… The Club… discarded the bylaws. Clay was surprisingly understanding. I told my mom. She said she’d known since I was little. She told me to go with my gut.. About Isaak.”

“Where did our gut lead you?”

“I gave him some time. A little bit of time to explain himself. To prove he’d changed… or… Something.”

“Do you love him?”

Jax nodded, “I do. But it’s hard.”

“It really says something that you say that freely after everything you’ve been through to get to this point.”

“What does it say?”

“That you’re strong. That you have a true north that many people lack. It says you know yourself.”

“I don’t feel like I know myself.”

“Was Isaak the first man you were with?” Jax nodded. “Have you ever been with another man sexually? Apart from Ope? Either casually or romantically?” Jax muttered a quiet negative. “Did you practice your lifestyle from the start, or was it something you tried when you both felt like it?”

“From that start. I didn’t tell him I hadn’t… but he could tell. We were just supposed to have normal sex. No bells. No whistles… but I fell into subspace on chance and I guess he decided he wanted to keep me.”

“How did he make you feel?”

“What do you mean?”

“Was it a rush? Did it excite you? Did he make you feel safe?”

“He spoiled me. Babied me. It was the only time in my life I felt really safe. Like I could just let go and not worry about anything at all. I didn’t have to decide anything. Not what to wear, or to eat. He enjoyed anticipating my needs. He remembered every little thing I ever said about things I liked, or things I’d like to try. He could just tell. It was like he could read my mind.”

“Did he ever want anything in return?”

“No. When we went out… with his business partners or whatever, he loved showing me off.”

“Did his business partners not know Isaak had a partner? Did no one say anything?”

“From what I’ve been told in later times, he was an asshole that fucked anything with legs, and they were just happy to see Isaak with someone else. Someone that made him happy.”

“Did they know of your lifestyle?”

“Yeah, they were also…”

“Your lifestyle encompassed all of your time together, not just your sexlife?”

“I guess. But not like… fetish shit, he was more…” He couldn’t find the words and gestured for her to supplement.

“Organic? Natural? Did he exert his dominance though his own physicality, obedience and the strength of his personality rather than fetishes, as you say?”

“Yeah. We had a contract… we talked about it. He said he couldn’t count on his intuition alone if I dropped to deep to communicate, not when… I’d only had sex once before. Only once with him.”

“He sounds experienced. Wise. Did you ever have doubts about trusting him? Did you ever have to convince yourself to give something a chance, or did it come naturally.”

“From the moment I met him,” Jax said, thinking of the warmth he’d felt as Isaak brushed by him and sat down next to him in the bar.

“Did he ever collar you?”

Again, Jax nodded, “Three. I had three.”

“Three? You must have been very precious to him.” Jax nodded. “And then he hit you. How did that make you feel? What do you remember?”

“I don’t remember much.”

“That is normal. Take you time.”

Jax took a while to reply, and when he did, his voice was raw, “It didn’t feel real.”

Dr. Vance waited patiently for him to find the words to match the emotions rushing through him.

“I just… went back to the bedroom like he told me to,” Jax sounded really disturbed as he told her.

“Did he come for you?”

Jax shook his head, “I threw up and passed out.”

“When did you decide to leave?”

“The next morning, I think. A-after I called Tara, I just sat there and waited. It took her three hours to get there. I…” Jax stopped. He tried to form the words, but his mouth didn’t want to. “I stopped. I waited… I- left my collar, I -”

“You felt abandoned.” It wasn’t a question this time. “Your entire relationship with Isaak has had its foundation in your submission to his dominance in all aspect of your life. He was your first. Your teacher. He guided you through a time that shaped you and changed you on a fundamental level.” Jax just nodded. It sounded about right. “You trusted him in a way you never trusted another human being, even yourself. You trusted him to breathe for you. You found peace, rest and comfort. You trusted him to bring you your subspace, guide you through it and catch you when you dropped.” Jax nodded again. “Until he didn't catch you. He hurt you. Physically when he struck you. Psychologically when he dismissed you, didn't check up on you. He abandoned you.”

Jax looked away. God, even telling Tara, his mom and Ope didn't feel quite as raw and real as when it was laid out for him like this.

“You left him. You broke your contract. You made the right decision. I think maybe Isaak made the right decision when he did not chase you. You needed space and time to heal and find your feet. But am I wrong if I say a part of you, a bigger part than you care to admit, is resentful that he didn't… chase you down and take you back where you felt you belonged?”

Jax just stared at her. How the fuck did she just… take the most embarrassing thought he had ever dared think and just put it out there like it was a simple fact?

“You are not weak. You demonstrated it very clearly the second you took off your collar. You know the power your hold, but sometimes you forget. There is power in submission.”

 

#

 

 

 

 


	37. 4.13

Jax stared at himself in the mirror, studying the small spotted bruising at his hip bones where Isaak anchored himself. 

Turning to the side, he let his hand run over his flat stomach. The bumps of muscle smoothed out as he inhaled. Isaak had a deep seated kink for seeing him swollen and his stomach bloated. It hadn’t ever been anything they had explored extensively per ce, but Jax had to be blind not to notice that Isaak couldn’t help but stare when he’d had too much to eat, or before when he’d was kept an enema or best of all, when he was swollen with days worth of his cum and heavy anal balls. A slow smirk growing, Jax got in the shower. 

He hadn’t eaten since midday the day before, so he had the time he needed. He twisted the shower-head off and fastened the small hollow steel plug. Pushing it into himself, he sighed as the water filled him. Again and again, he cleaned himself until the water ran completely clear, even when he filled himself as much as he comfortably could. 

Isaak would be home soon. Jax was tired and wondering if he wasn’t setting himself up for more than he could handle. Muttering at himself at his silliness, he got back in the shower. He got on his knees and leaned forward as he slipped the hose deeply. Soon, he spread his thighs wider, to let his upper body fall closer to the floor, making gravity help the water flow deeper. 

Sweat broke out on his skin. The heaviness was almost more than he could carry. One hand clutched his swollen stomach. It took all his discipline not to grab his weeping cock. Groaning, he laid down on his side, feeling the water sloshing-no, he was too full for it to slosh. It’s weight just rocked him from side to side. A cramp hit him, and he decided he’d had enough. Before he pulled out the hose, he grabbed the thick plug. He panted as he tried to move. He clenched desperately as the hose slid from him. Water burst from him the second it was out. The plug popped in easily.

Climbing out of the shower, he lowered himself into the bathtub, and let the hot water soothe him. He rubbed his stomach and tried to clench around the plug. After a while, the strain passed and he felt warm and soft all over, and his stomach full and heavy. Pulling the hose from the bathtub towards him, he laid his head on the edge and turned his ass up. Sliding the hose as deeply as it would go, on a slow trickle, he just closed his eyes and enjoyed the increasing fullness and his growing arousal. He felt dizzy and drifted in and out of consciousness as he struggled to stay awake. After a while, he felt his stomach growing hard as it swelled. He crawled out and sat on the floor as he dried himself off. The weight on his hips was dizzying. Gingerly crawling to the bed, feeling too heavy to walk, he clutched his stomach. He got himself into bed and laid his head on the pillow. Barely a minute passed before he was deeply asleep. 

#

Isaak nearly lost his breath as he entered the bedroom. Even while laying under the sheet he could see the oval shape of his belly.

Jax woke to warm hands stroking the length of his body. Glancing at the clock he saw he had slept for an hour. “Did you play without me?” Isaak scolded mildly as he admired Jax’s soft form. 

“Waiting for you,” Jax murmured sleepily and pushed himself to his knees, face nuzzled into the pillow. 

Isaak hissed at seeing the flared end of the plug. Ass high in the air, stomach softly curved and heavy beneath him, Jax was a stunning sight. The the heavy water forced his back to arch beautifully under the weight. Isaak leap on to the bed, pushing his clothes pelvis insistently against Jax’s buttocks. Jax purred shakily as Isaak’s large warm palm stroked over his tense stomach. He couldn’t even contract his muscles, so Isaak’s gentle hands felt like heaven. “Can I have you like this?” Isaak asked breathlessly. 

Jax nodded with a soft smile, “s’why I waited for you.” He wiggled his hips, moaning softly. Isaak didn’t even bother undressed. Hands shaking, he ripped open the buttons on his trousers and pulled out his throbbing cock. With slightly less haste, he pulled out the plug. He plunged his fingers briefly inside, feeling that the water had sunk too deeply into him to keep him open anymore, before pressing his cock as deep as he could go. Jax keened and yelped, Isaak’s impressive size on top of his filled body, combining to an extreme sensation, frying his nerves. His body contracted as he came, shaking and eyes rolling. 

Growling, Isaak rocked, hands clutching Jax’s stomach. Isaak yanked Jax’s hips up, fucking him like a man possessed. Air knocked out of his lungs by every slow thrust, Jax keened mindlessly, “D-daddy-” he whimpered. Despite Isaak having said he most certainly didn’t have a daddy-kink, Jax didn’t believe him for a quarter-second. And by his reaction, Jax had been all kinds of right. If possible, Isaak’s thrusts grew more frantic, harder, more drawn out and brutal, both hands spread out on his big stomach. Jax’s head swam, overstimulated. 

He cried out as Isaak grabbed his long hair at the base of his neck and yanked him back. The angle changed, nailing his prostate. Tears streamed down Jax’s cheeks. Massive cock claiming him, hand clutching his expanded stomach, another tangled in his hair, and ah - teeth sinking into his shoulder. “Fucking breed you -” Jax managed to pick up in the babble of Russian Isaak was growling. 

“Yes-” Jax gasped, finding himself surprisingly pleased by the thought, preening and opening himself to Isaak’s strength. 

“Look at you,” Isaak hissed. Jax meeped at a particularly deep thrust. “Fucking glorious,” he muttered, “Gonna fill you-”

“Give me your baby please-” Jax pleaded, surprised by the honesty of the words spilling out of him, “please, please-” he sobbed, crying as another orgasm wrecked him. Isaak roared his release, pouring into Jax everything he had. Isaak trembled as he held his weight, not wanting to crush his lover. But he didn’t want to pull out either. With some clever maneuvering, Jax sat in his lap, cheek resting on his shoulder, firm swollen stomach pressing against him. Isaak shuddered, beyond aroused. 

Jax panted wetly against his neck, trembling and tired. 

“Bath?” Isaak asked. 

Weakly, Jax shook his head, “No,” he whispered. 

“Want the plug back afterward? And sleep?”

“Hm,” Jax hummed. 

 

#

 

The next morning was slow. Isaak helped Jax take a warm bath to ease the aches of the night. They had slept tangled up and spooning, Isaak’s hand resting in the dip of Jax’s waist. They’d made love in the early morning, ever so gently, but even then it was so powerful, their tears mixed as they rocked.

As they made breakfast, Isaak’s hands would stroke down his side as he walked past. Abel’s quizzing eyes going unnoticed by them both. Isaak felt calm, his serenity only marred by Jax’s quiet confessed words, “I feel hollow-” he’d said. Scraped out, empty. Jax felt like he was in a bubble, floating in the warm sunlight flooding the kitchen. His body felt light, too light, like he was missing something he never knew he’d been without. Isaak just pulled him close and held him tightly. 

#

“Another child?” Dr Vance asked. Jax had been seeing her several times a week for the past month, but he hadn’t dared bring it up before now.

They were both surprised as how well matched they were. Dr. Vance, while shocked at the amount of abuse life had thrown at Jax, also had not thought he would continue coming to the sessions. He had proved her wrong, to her delight. Most of the people she saw had real issues, but Jax took it to another ballpark. He lived his life to the extreme in every way he could. He loved as fiercely as he hated, and he could do both deeper than any normal person. 

The only part of his life where he slowed down was as a father. But even there, his baby had been kidnapped. Even though she knew Jax thought he was over it, there were deeply seated insecurities in his ability to parent that she ached to bite into. That he had considered letting his son be raised by the catholic couple until his mother had set him straight spoke loudly to how lost he felt without a true north. 

“This raw need,” Jax told Dr. Vance. “It hit me so hard and now… I don’t even know what to do with myself. Have you ever felt that?”

She nodded, “I have. Though I’m surprised this is new to you.”

“How so?” 

“What you’re describing is the urge to have children. The urge to breed. It goes beyond regular sexual urges, and is very specific -”

“No shit.”

“But it is something most people feel, and often submit to, though without admitting it.” 

“I never wanted kids…” Jax said quietly. “I love Abel more than anything, more than life, but… before he was born, even after, when he was in the hospital, I didn’t want him.”

“A common saying goes that a woman becomes a mother the moment she conceives, while a man becomes a father the moment he holds his child. You were deprived of that, and you thought he would die. By now, I know you well enough to say with certainty that your initial problems bonding with Abel, was fear. Fear of the pain it would cause you if you lost him.” 

“It doesn’t feel like a good excuse. Not now… it’s like - I feel like it devalues how much I love him now, to want another one so desperately.” 

“Does Isaak want children?” 

Jax sighed, “I don’t know.” 

“Did he not react positively?”

“He started it, but… what if it was just sex talk? In our reservoir of kink, it’s not exactly hardcore.” 

“I disagree,” Dr. Vance said mildly. “Most kinks challenges you, gives you physical pleasure. Society prides itself on its distance from the human condition. The more removed you are from basic needs and comforts, the stronger you are. Independence. This need - because it is a need, not a kink, is one that requires your complete surrender to the experience of being human. It speaks of a need to connect. The ability to love. To love so dearly, you are desperate to share a part of yourself to create a living representation of yourself and the person you love. It’s a humbling experience. In that way, it is more hardcore than most things.” 

“You make everything sound so fucking poetic…” Jax grumbled. 

She smiled, “You’re holding back, Jax.” Jax rolled his eyes. “You still think you can shock me,” she tutted. “Jax, I have been doing this for many years. You have been very sparse talking about any specific events, or going into detail of things you clearly need to talk about. Your lifestyle is far more common than you’d think. Sexual kinks, I’ve heard it all, and I do not judge, both out of principle and that very little shocks me.” 

“I doubt that…” 

“Your relationship with Isaak was very much centered around the power structure of the BDSM lifestyle, in which you were the submissive partner. Now, in progress of recovering, does the desire for children scare you?” 

“It’s not an extra kid that freaks me out, it’s…” Jax grimaced and rubbed his face, hiding his thoughts by hiding his face. 

Dr. Vance smiled softly, “You want it to be yours and his?” 

Jax’s lower lip trembled as she hit the core of an insecurity he hadn’t even known he had until Isaak sank his teeth into the back of his neck. 

“Speaking in terms of power structure, allowing insemination and allowing conceptions is the ultimate submission. Seeding a child is the ultimate domination. But also, it is very much the other way around: conceiving is the ultimate domination, and seeding is the ultimate submission. For many men this is a powerful fantasy, a powerful drive. But allowing this is also the ultimate power-move. For people whom prefer to be penetrated, this urge is commonplace, if rarely talked about. For you to feel this, as a man, is not unnatural, nor uncommon.”

“Getting off on something isn’t exactly the same as actually wanting it,” Jax sneered sardonically and got up to pace, too restless to sit still. Dr. Vance nodded, agreeing. “Isaak fucking loves it when he-” Jax exhaled sharply, finding it hard even to say the words. His voice rose and his face pinked with frustration. “I wanted it so badly. I was fucking crying, because I wanted nothing more.” He stopped, panting. “And we made love this morning. He couldn’t stop touching me, and I could fucking stop bawling.” Jax trembled. ”I’ve never wanted anything that badly, and I’ve never felt that good…. Or that fucking terrible. How is that for fucking weird?” 

“It sounds romantic, beautiful… intense.” She replied, not even slightly phased by his aggression. “And terrible in the way only nature can be when it denies you something you feel you need like the air you breathe.” 

Jax sat down, suddenly exhausted. 

“I have a theory, regarding some of the issues you’re struggling to solve with Isaak.” 

“Let’s hear it,” Jax sighed. 

“When you met, you were both is very particular points in your lives. You were facing increasing responsibilities, both with the Sons and becoming a father, and thus sought release from your worldly worries. Isaak - I can only make an educated guess from what you have told me, was facing an increasing lack of control in his personal life, and thus sought to increase control in other aspects. Your struggle, both of your struggles to settle back into the roles you shared as dominant and submissive had its catalyst when Isaak injured you, but perhaps that is not the entire reason. You have both changed. You have accepted the responsibility of fatherhood- and even desire another child, and you do not seem to be uncomfortable with your role within the Sons any more. If anything, you are growing. Isaak through his loss of both his long term partner and yourself, seems to have accepted that there are some things he cannot control. So in essence you must ask yourself; do you still crave submission, or do you crave the feelings of love and safety it brought when your life was in flux?”

“I don’t know,” Jax muttered. 

“It is human nature to crave the familiar, and this lifestyle is familiar to you both. It is how you knew each other. Perhaps now, with a new start, you should consider getting to know each other in new ways? Explore the new things that makes you feel loved and cared for?” 

“Out with the old and in with the new, uh. That’s your solution?” Jax asked. 

“Well, keep your favourite couch and the wide-screen tv, but consider changing the drapes and get a new clean carpet. It can do wonders for a room,” she shot back with a smile. “Think about it, chew on it. If you feel it might have any merit, talk to your partner. Regardless, you might want to discuss your want for more children.”

Jax just tapped his finger anxiously, doubtful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously did not know if I should post this. Kinda feel like I was pushing the limit of weird.


	38. 4.14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little longer to make up for the absence :)

#

 

“I'm tired, Isaak. Gonna lay down for a bit.” 

Isaak could see plain as day what Jax was struggling. He hadn’t been quite right in the past days, and when he’d come back earlier after his session he had been completely out of his head, avoiding him like he was the plague. “On the bed. On your knees.” 

Jax turned, looking at Isaak, surprised, shocked, puzzled, alarmed, relieved. “What?!”

Isaak stood up and took off his jacket, “Now,” he replied over his shoulder. He turned away so that Jax wouldn’t see the expression on his face, mirroring the way his stomach turned and churned with nerves, as he waited for Jax to respond. 

Or not respond. 

The relief Isaak felt as he heard Jax move was both dizzying and nauseating. Jax did as Isaak ordered, almost on autopilot. He kneeled on the bed, hands behind his back. He tucked his feet under his bum and sat comfortably, waiting patiently. 

“Perhaps I was not specific enough,” Isaak said as he came in. “Undress.” Jax got off the bed and pulled his t-shirt and trousers off. “Boxers.” 

Jax paused. “I -”

“Do you know your safe-word?” Isaak interrupted him. 

Jax hesitated again, but as his mind caught up with him he replied, “Yes.”

“Say it.”

“Osiris.”

“Do you want to apply it?”

“No.”

“Do I have to repeat myself?”

Jax bit his lip, but skimmed out of his boxers and dropped them on the floor. 

“Hands.” Jax held his hands forward and exhaled shakily as Isaak tied them together with one of his ties. It didn't feel as nice as the ones they’d had at home in Los Angeles, but he supposed Isaak did what he could with what he had. Silk was less likely to give him rope-burns after all. “I think you are ready.” Jax didn't say anything. He was just trying not to tremble too hard. Isaak held a wide cotton bandage. Jax was sure it had once been the sleeve on one of Isaak's shirts. He leaned his head down as Isaak blindfolded him. He inhaled deeply, soaking up the sensation of Isaak's scent filling his sinuses. 

“On your knees, chest on the bed, hands over your head.”

Jax sank stiffly into the position that he usually found relaxing, but now he felt was very exposing. He clenched his fist, feeling his knuckles whiten as Isaak’s warm hands stroked firmly from his neck, firmly down his back, over his ass to his entrance and down his thighs. Isaak paused and Jax knew what he was waiting for, but he wouldn't give it to him. 

Warm kisses were dropped down his spine, his hips and the globes of his ass. Isaak's hot tongue swiped along his crack, making Jax jerk at how sensitive he was. 

He squeezed some lube on his finger and caressed his hole gently. He felt Jax relax minutely as he stuck to familiar territory. He groaned as the fierce warmth of his lover closed around the fingers of his hand. Jax moaned softly as he rubbed over his prostate. 

Jax panted lightly, feeling heat pool in his stomach. Isaak's tongue rubbing slowly over his perineum, and despite his stomach knotting, it felt good. It did feel nice. Kinda. Weird, but nice. He moaned in disappointment as Isaak slid out. Isaak kissed his spine as he gently pressed the slick fingertips of his right hand against him. Jax tensed, but Isaak waited. 

Jax forced himself to relax. He made small noise, letting him know he was good. Now Isaak had big hands… Jax didn't breathe as four fingers slowly slid into him. He gasped for breath. Fuuuck…

Isaak pressed down slightly, very softly towards his bladder but deeper. Jax sobbed quietly, heat rushing up his back and down the back of his thighs. Ever so gently Isaak pressed in another finger, and Jax swore by all things divine, he felt so full and warm. Keening and breathing heavily he spread his thighs further, shoving back slightly. Isaak smiled and dropped kissed at the base of his spine.

Jax trembled under his touch, his head swimming as he uttered small cries of pleasure floating through their bedroom. “I-Isaa- ah-k, mah,” he mewed. And not soon after Isaak felt Jax tighten rhythmically around his fingers. Jax was shaking with exhaustion. Not able to hold his position anymore he sank together in a pile of lose limbs on the bed, dizzy and floating.

He vaguely registered Isaak untying and cleaning him with a warm damp towel as he fell asleep. 

#

 

After Jax has drifted off to a deep sleep Isaak had returned to his meeting. Quite a few of them were involved in the same lifestyle and were very aware that sometimes their subs needed immediate attention. Anyone with eyes could see that Isaak’s Jackson had been a little off kilter. Their rocky history was not entirely unknown within the Koshka circle. They knew how much Isaak loved and needed Jackson. As Isaak returned to the meeting they would tell he was drifting off the edges of domspace. He should have stayed with his sub, but they appreciated his dedication to their work, and not keeping them waiting more than necessary. 

The meeting concluded much quicker than it normally would have. Isaak took his energy out on a boxing bag before he fed Abel and put the boy to bed next to his father. Then he showered and sat down in the den with the rest of his paperwork for the day. He had barely worked for half an hour before the doorbell rang. 

When he arrived in the parlour, Vanya had already opened the door. On his doorstep was Clay Morrow and behind him was the rest of the Sons. “Isaak. Jax around? We can’t get a hold of him. Gemma said he might be here.”

“Vanya, I believe supper should be ready soon. Would you mind have Pietro put some aside for Jackson?” Vanya gave a short nod and slid off. Isaak raised a brow at the long stare some of the Sons, Clay included gave his PA. He cleared his throat for their attention. “Jackson is asleep.”

Clay raised a brow, “Then wake him the fuck up. We got shit to do.”

Isaak glanced over Clay’s shoulder and gestured for Clay to come in. The rest was about to follow, but Isaak’s unceremoniously slammed the door in their faces. Perhaps he would have been more polite about it, had it not been Opie Winston who was at the head of the pack. He heard them trying to open it, but there were automatic locks on the door for a reason. “Jax has had a rather challenging day, and is in no state to be anywhere but his bed, sleeping, as he is currently doing.” 

“It ain’t my concern if you fucked him silly. It is my concern when he doesn’t show up when he’s supposed to. Even if the reason is that you fucked him unconscious.”

Isaak smiled mildly at the crassness of his father-in-law. “Clay. You are Jackson’s father and that is why you are not on the outside of that door with the rest of your crew. Now, when I say Jackson is sleeping off a challenging day, I mean to say he is sleeping off a rather heavy subspace.” Clay frowned, and Isaak gestured for him to follow. Isaak gently pushed open the door to show Clay his son curled up, blond hair splayed around him and Abel sleeping tucked against his chest. “Even if you wake him now, he will be completely useless to you.”

Clay frowned at him, “Are you serious?” Isaak just raised a brow at him. “Fuck. Fine.” 

 

#

 

Jax woke up, bleary and feeling like his bones were liquid. Pushing the blindfold off he was it was dark outside and Abel had crawled into bed with him. For a second, he just laid there staring at the roof, his son tucked under his arm. 

He slipped out of bed and tucked the sheet around his boy. Pulling on a sweater and some slacks he headed downstairs. His entire body felt like he was walking on water. He was floating and felt heavy at the same time.

And holy hell. It might have something to do with it having been so long, but he'd completely forgotten how good it felt to have subspaces close together. He'd had no idea anything could feel as good and safe as returning to their lifestyle. It almost felt better going back to it now than it had been doing it before. He stopped on the last step, his face flushing. From the very day they had met, Isaak kept pushing his horizon about what he possibly ever though could feel good. After such a long time, what would it be like if Isaak had done a heavy scene with him, would it be as intense? Just thinking about it made his heart race – both in fear and excitement. 

Isaak was sprawled on the couch with a pile of papers and glasses perked on his nose. Jax crawled up between his legs and laid his head in his lap. Isaak just moved the paperwork out of the way and freed up a hand to tangle in Jax's hair.

And while Isaak might have seemed nonchalant, his heart was beating hard. He had almost given up hope that things could go back to normal, that they would be whole again, but they had now made a step in the right direction. Yes, good things came out of difficult times. Hopefully, they would be stronger for it. 

After a while, Isaak noticed that Jax was not falling asleep like he usually did. “There is something on your mind,” Isaak said. They were laying on the sofa and Jax was lounging on top of his love, like he was his rightful couch. 

“It’s nothing,” Jax said softly. Everything was on his mind. Abel, leadership vote. Not to mention Tara was being cagey as hell about something. 

Isaak paused and glanced down at the blond head. He was not falling for that. “Sunshine?” he asked again. 

Jax hesitated but spoke eventually. “Do you want kids?” 

“We have Abel…” Jax made an odd noise and Isaak realised he’d missed the mark by a mile and then some. “Another one?” He paused, “Is this about… honey,” he sighed and pushed for Jax to turn around, but Jax resisted and just burrowed down. 

Seeing Jax in their bed, all swollen and aroused, even while sleeping had flipped a switch in him that had made him feel mad. For a short while, he had gone utterly mad. He’s spiraled so deep into Domspace he hadn’t known which way was up. It was often then you got truth. 

In truth, Isaak had never wanted children. He had been content without any. Then he had been content with Abel. Then that happened. Jax sparked a drive in him he had never felt before. “Of course I want a baby with you,” he whispered and tightened his arms around his lover. 

“When I’m out of the club, can we talk about it? Talk about it seriously?” 

Isaak nodded and kissed the nape of his neck, “Yes love. We will.” 

#

 

Jax laid underneath a car, wrestling with the exhaust when Tig came over. “Hey dude. Got a question.” 

“Spit it, Tig,” Jax growled and pulled at a bolt. 

“What’s it like?” 

“What’s what like?” 

“Sex.” 

That made Jax pause and roll out from underneath the car, “You’re a little old for the birds and the bees talk, Tigger.” 

Tig rolled his eyes, “You know what I mean. With a guy.” 

“Oh god,” Jax rolled back under, but was promptly pulled back out by Tig. “Hey!” he jumped slightly as Tig put his boot down, barely an inch from his crotch. 

“I’m serious.” 

“I got that. I don’t get how the logistics can be confusing to you.” 

“I wanna get with Venus, but I don’t have a clue how to handle… her junk.” 

“T…M…I…” Jax groaned. “Look, just tell her that.”

“Dude!” Tig hissed, “That’s embarrassing.” 

“No,” Jax sighed, “What’s embarrassing is crying like a baby cause you didn’t give her a heads up that she should be careful.”

“Dude, not what I was going for!” Tig squeaked. 

“Then I actually don’t know what you’re getting at,” Jax scowled.

“How do you fuck someone with a dick?” 

Jax nearly facepalmed. The only thing that separated a facepalm from his actual action, was the force of which his hands hit his face, “Word of advice: Don’t do anything to anyone that you wouldn’t do yourself. If you don’t want to- for whatever reason, why the fuck should she let your do that precise thing to her? Don’t put your dick anywhere near her ass unless you’re willing to return the favour.” 

“Seriously?” 

“Fucking seriously.” 

“Is it hard?” Tig asked. “Difficult, I mean.” 

“Oh thank fuck -” Jax sighed in relief as Isaak’s car came rolling into the lot. He got up and greeted him. Isaak stepped out and gave Jax a soft kiss. 

“Are you feeling well?” He asked. 

“Yeah, look, Tig’s got a lady-friend with some extra junk in the trunk, and he wants to tap it. He’s got questions and you’re way more equipped to handle his weird shit than I am.” 

“Are you asking me to do some male bonding with your brother, dearie?” 

“Take him boxing or something… Just get him out of here. I’ve got shit to do.” 

Isaak laughed to himself as he sauntered over to Tig. “Trager. I’m afraid your line of questioning scared your VP to the hills.” 

Tig blinked. “Jax?” he turned to see his VP disappear under the car once more. “Seriously?” 

“Jax is quite shy when it comes to personal matters,” Isaak said softly, “Being as straight-forward, brash and hot-tempered as he is, something had to give, I suppose.” 

“So how do I have sex with a guy?” 

Isaak raised a brow. Well, that explained Jax’s peeved demeanor. “Would you like to join me at Lumpy’s. I find boxing to be a worthwhile pastime.” 

Tig cocked his head, confused. “Yeah. Sure. I box.” 

 

#

“Tell me about your lady-friend,” Isaak asked as he drove. 

“She’s not really a lady, which is why I -” 

“Her name?”

“Venus. She’s… an escort. Have you ever… with a tranny?” 

“I’ve had a few transgendered partners,” Isaak said pointedly, “- yes, at various stages of transition. When it comes to pleasure, it matters little.” 

“Well, you know how to handle a cock.”

“So do you,” Isaak said with a crooked grin. “When with a partner that is transgender, the first action on your agenda is to tell her she is beautiful. In my experience, especially with those transitioning from male to female, is that the ability- or lack thereof, to pass as a cis-female can be a very sore point and a great source of insecurity and pain - both self inflicted and through abuse from less tolerant people.” 

Tig nodded to himself, “So first thing: make her feel good up here-” he tapped his head. 

“Yes. Most people have their insecurities - even Jax does -”

“Are you kidding? What does he have to be insecure about?” 

Isaak smiled, completely agreeing. “Jax is very pretty, something he has always been made very aware of. It has made him susceptible to unwelcome attentions. But his delicate features and slight build can be hidden underneath hard-gained muscle and layers-” Isaak grimaced, “-and layers of clothing. He is a very attractive boy, and despite his issues with his more delcate traits - all men have them - he knows very well that he is beautiful. He is comfortable in his skin.” Isaak parked the car outside Lumpy’s. 

“Now imagine someone as good looking as Jax, someone so capable, intelligent, with friends and family that have and will, die and kill for him, looks in the mirror in the morning and doesn’t like what he sees. Being transgender, means you were literally born in the wrong body. It means your lady-friend has dealt with people calling her names and giving her a hard time. Not just mocking, but threatening to kill her simply because she exists. In her profession, probably more often than you can imagine.” Isaak stepped out, “Coming?” he asked, as Tig still sat, dazed and deep in thought. 

Tig scrambled to follow, “I need to know more, man,” he said. 

“Good.” Isaak smiled. “You have me for an hour. Ask anything you can think of.” 

 

#

 

“The fuck happened to your face?” Bobby asked as they sat down for the leadership vote. 

“Isaak is a fucking legend man,” Tig said. “I swear, that guy could turn a straight guy gay.” Jax raised a brow. “The guy just gave me an hour long step-by-step guide to get Venus down the fucking aile.” 

Both of Clay’s brows rose, “Do we need to change the Reaper to a fairy?” 

“Hey! If Jax gets to suck dick, so do I!” Tig exclaimed, “Wait, that came out wrong-” 

“Your face?” Bobby prompted. 

“Isaak is really good at boxing.” 

“Is there anything he isn’t good at?” Chibs sniped.

“He can’t cook worth a shit,” Jax offered. 

“Really? He seems like the type to be good at that,” Juice chimed in as he entered. 

Jax shrugged. Growing up an orphan in the Soviet Union, cooking lessons weren’t really readily available.


	39. 4.15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay educates himself

 

Clay parked his bike outside the porn studio. “Lyla here?” he asked he asked a girl as she was leaving. 

“In the office,” she replied with a smile. 

Clay walked through the studio, head cocking as he saw a muscular black stud fucking a latino twink. Clay shook his head. The kid looked barely legal, and was sweating and shaking, crying and screaming and babbling as he was fucked. “Lyla, got time for a quick word?” 

“Sure thing Clay.” She frowned in worry. “Something wrong?” 

“No. I’m just looking for some info. Private?” 

Lyla led him to her office, curiosity peaked. “So?”

“I wanted to talk about Jax and Isaak.”

“Okay?”

Clay grimaced. “He and Jax, they’re into some kinky shit. Jax was supposed to be on a run a few nights ago, but he didn’t show up. Went to Isaak’s and he said Jax was sleeping off a subspace-”

Lyla’s brows flew up. “That’s some heavy shit.”

Clay shrugged, “What is it? Is it some drug? Said Jax would be completely out of it. If I woke him up, might be sick for days. Said Jax had subspace quite often.”

Lyla shifted in her chair, “Oh man, Clay. Subspace is some serious shit. Isaak was right though. If you go into subspace, it’s like you’re drunk and on uppers and downers at the same time. Only place to be is a bed.” Clay gestured for her to continue. “Subspace isn’t a drug,” she explained, “It’s your body’s natural reaction to certain stimuli. It’s like… that moment you cum, times a thousand and it can last for… anything from a few minutes to hours. Usually it’s a fluke. People chase it for years and never experience it. Isaak must be very skilled, very experienced to be able to bring Jax there. Him and Jax, they must have something special,” she nodded, “Normally, it takes some heavy scenes to get it, but… I’ve heard,” she sighed, “I’ve heard of some pairs, where the Sub can slip into subspace just by the presence of their Dom. Just by being in the right headspace. Those kinds of Subs… real fucking delicate. There’s no line between a scene and the rest of the day sometimes. It’s like they’re a raw nerve, physically, psychologically. They need a strong steady Dom. If the Dom fucks up-” Lyla shook her head, “Catastrophic. I’ve seen some horrible things, Clay. For normal people, not big shit, but for a Sub, a slap across the face in anger, it can break them. Jax didn’t strike me as the type, but -” she shrugged, “I never knew he was into the lifestyle at all. He acts different around Isaak, I’ve noticed.” 

Clay nodded his head in agreement, “He’s different- around Sirko. Quiet, calm.”

“Sounds like Jax might be a rather exceptional Sub. In this business, if Jax is like you say, some houses pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to film a scene with a Sub like that. High commodity. And with his own Dom….” Lyla clicked her tongue. 

“And afterwards?”

“Aftercare,” Lyla said, “Real important. Without it- hell, even with it, he can go into a subdrop. Nasty shit. Like the worst fucking hangover you’ve ever had, and it can last for days. Fever, vomiting, the whole thing. But if you wanna know to more medical side of it, you might want to talk to a doctor, maybe Tara?”

Clay nodded, “I’ll do that. Thanks Lyla.”

“Hope it was helpful.”

“It was. Just needed to know Sirko wasn’t fucking with me.” 

 

#

Next stop for Clay was Tara’s office. Tara looked up, surprised at seeing Clay there. “A word, Tara?” 

“Sure,” she said slowly. And gestured towards the seat. “ Please sit down.”

“Look, Jax said that you insisted on giving him check ups after he’d been to see Isaak when they did their-” he gestured, “-thing. I talked to Lyla, so I know a little of the general stuff, but I figured you could break it down to a more physical thing. Maybe… Jax-specific thing.”

“I’m not sure I can tell you…”

“Look, Jax missed a run yesterday because he was tonked out in subspace. I need to know what it is, and how it affects him, so know when to keep an extra eye on my son.” 

Tara blinked in surprised. “Okay… what did Lyla tell you?” 

“From the porn side of things, subspace is real fucking rare and studios pay a fuck load to film it. Said some subs are real fucking sensitive, but that most chase it for years… Said Sirko had to be real experienced to make it happen.” 

Tara nodded thoughtfully. “You and me, complete confidence?” She asked, arching a brow seriously. 

Clay nodded, “Complete confidence.”

“It’s all very individual, but essentially there are levels of subspace, like there are levels of orgasms, in a way. Some are just a pleasant buzz, while some completely knock you out. Subspace is a state of bliss -”

“Lyla said, like the moment you cum, but… longer lasting.”

“Something like that. Jax is extraordinarily sensitive. He doesn’t need sex, or even a scene to achieve subspace. Isaak’s presence is enough to, if Jax is relaxed enough, to experience a light subspace, a light state of bliss that will leave him a little lightheaded, maybe even a little dizzy. It can lead to some problems as well. After Jax… left Isaak, he was prone to withdrawal-like symptoms, he needed medications to deal with panic attacks, pain and nausea. He… was… severely depressed. Not like your run of the mill depression, but an actual chemical imbalance in his brain.” Tara frowned, “After… a scene, a deep subspace, Jax is…”

“Like a raw nerve?” 

“Yes. That would be a nice way of putting it.”

“So if I’d have woken him up while he was sleeping it off…?” 

“If you can avoid disturbing him, just stay far away. Let Isaak deal with him. If Isaak says no, and Jax doesn’t contest it, I strongly suggest you leave it be.” Tara sighed and scratched her neck, “As much as I hate to say it… but as his president and as his father, you still rank below Isaak as his Dom… if they started practicing seriously again. It’s just how it is.”

“So Isaak decides? That’s it?” 

“No,” She shook her head. “Jax decides. Jax decides that Isaak is his Dom. Jax decides how far Isaak is allowed to go. Jax decides what decisions Isaak can make on his behalf. We need to respect that.”

“Why? It’s so unlike him.”

“It’s not, really. But… Gemma knows Jax better than anyone, and I agree with her when she says that if we push against this, Jax will pull away. Like he’s pulling away from Ope, because he knows how he feels about his relationship with Isaak. Just because this side of him is new for most of us, doesn’t mean it’s not right for him. Him showing this side of his life to you shows deep trust, Clay. Don’t fuck that up by judging him.”

Clay nodded. “Things have been chilly between him and Ope.” 

Tara grumbled. “You just have to get with the program that Isaak can and will get in your way when it comes to Jax’s wellbeing. I suggest you don’t fight it, cause Jax won’t take your side over Isaak’s. Mostly because, even if it seems like it, Isaak won’t make decisions about Jax’s life that haven’t been talked about and agreed upon, so Isaak speaks for Jax, when Jax can’t, or doesn’t want to speak for himself, like if he’s coming off subspace or is burnt out.”

Clay nodded, “So bottom line is, this subspace shit is safe, trust Isaak when he says Jax ain’t up for being woken up to ride, and it can’t always be planned, so roll with it.”

Tara nodded, “That’s pretty much it. Keep an eye out for fatigue. Feed him.”

Clay nodded and got up, “Thanks doc.” 

“No worries Clay,” she smiled and shook his hand.

 

Sitting on his bike outside the hospital, Clay sighed heavily. This shit was weird. It was so fucking weird. And inconvenient. He needed his VP to always be at his strongest. Dealing with the high rollers they were dealing with now, he couldn’t afford to have Jax out of commission at any point. But how the hell was he supposed to deal with Jax essentially getting high by just having his sugar-daddy around?

#


	40. 4.16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isaak takes a moment to reflect on himself and his own tastes and needs and how much Jax has impacted him.
> 
> Jax finds some semblance of peace.

When the morning arrived, Jax felt more rested than he had since he could remember. With the exception of soreness he felt great. Isaak was sleeping behind him, radiating heat and breathing hot puffs of air on the back of his neck. He touched his face, finding he was still blindfolded. 

He blinked in surprise as he noticed his Dom was fully undressed, pressed tightly against his back. He could feel the half hard manhood pressing against his bum. He felt his cheeks heat up and cursed under his breath.

He felt Isaak move and at some point his dick had gotten rock hard. Jax gasped as it slipped between his cheeks and nudged his hole. Isaak made a deep growling sound in his sleep and grabbed Jax tightly and yanked him backwards, his cock, slick with pre-come, slipped past his hole and rubbed between his cheeks. 

Jax was so sore he was burning half with fear he would penetrate him, and half in desperate arousal, hoping he would. But his love just continued to rock, rubbing the length of his shaft against his hole, never slipping past the slick ring of muscle. A leg slipped between his own, nudging them apart.

With an an annoyed huff and a lusty growl Jax was pushed over on his belly, and then strong arms slipped under him, snaking around him and grabbing him by his hips. Jax yelped as his lower body was lifted up. 

Isaak thought this was indeed the best way to wake up on an early morning. He could see that his Sub's skin was still flushed and swollen where he had been whipped, and his entrance was also red and swollen. With a wicked grin he dipped his fingertips into the still gaping opening. 

Jax keened and tried to push back, his face burning with embarrassment at his instant reaction to the touch. The thick fingers pressed deeper into him, tapping gently on his prostate. One hand kneaded his bum as the other worked him. 

"Oh - Isaak more!" he groaned. 

Isaak obliged Jax and slipped in another, making his kitten shiver under his touch. 

Jax's arms burned holding the weight of his body, but as soon as the thought entered his mind, his Dom leaned back taking the majority of his weight. "Oh my god -" he groaned as his hot and slick tongue worked its way into him, caressing the sensitive tissue just inside his entrance as the finger pad tapped on his sweet spot. 

Before he knew it, the fire in his belly spread, the bedsheet bunched up in his hands as he came, contracting hard around the fingers still moving inside him. 

 

#

 

Isaak let his fingertips run gently over Jax’s stomach, smiling as blond down rose as goosebumps popped. Jax looked blearily at him, hyperaware of Isaak’s hand caressing him, the circles he drew below his belly button. 

Isaak was deep in thought, thinking of the revelation of the very particular but incredibly common kink Jax had yanked out of him. He had never been of a habit of entertaining much younger partners. Jax was certainly an exception in that regard. Twenty years and some was a lot, but the whole sugar-daddy shtick had flown him by. Looking at Jax, it really shouldn’t have. Taking a step back, they were a classic case. 

To think, he’d looked at older men with younger women and thought they were silly, trying to relive their youth. He’d looked at older men with young boys, only just legal and wondered what they hell they got out of needing to be half a parent to their bedmates. 

Since Jax he understood. Oh boy, he understood. He was that guy. The guy how needed to baby, feed, spoil, take care of, take charge of, give pleasure to. He needed to be depended on. He was more than that guy. If things were different, he’d be the guy with the Lolita girlfriend he’d keep permanently pregnant and barefoot. Warmth coiled in him at the thought. 

He sighed and laid his head down on Jax’s stomach. Jax’s hands threaded though his hair. Something had shifted inside him and it sat heavily in his stomach. Like a rock, he carried that this need brewing inside wasn’t something he could satisfy. What made it worse was that he wanted to. Seeing Jax on the bed like that had knocked lose a primal drive that disturbed him. 

He’d kissed him as he confessed he felt scraped out and empty. He held him as he cried. Jax had asked him for another baby. It had knocked him flat. What had surprised him more was that he found himself wanting another baby with Jax. 

It had shocked him that Jax asked for them to talk about it seriously when he’d left the club.

It had shocked him more that he’d agreed. 

It wasn’t until this moment that he realised that Jax fully intended on leaving the Sons. 

He resisted the urge to bring it up, knowing that any kind of pressure or expectations would send Jax spiraling. Just getting him to see the shrink had been a monumental victory. 

“You’re thinking too hard,” Jax murmured as he continued stroking his scalp. “Whats on your mind?”

“You,” Isaak rasped. After a brief pause he spoke again, “Baby.” 

Jax’s breath hitched as Isaak kissed his stomach softly. “I see why your brain is creaking.” 

Isaak smiled at him. “How does it feel?” 

Jax arched a brow, “What?” 

Isaak pushed himself up and pulled Jax into his arms, kissing him. “Being so full. That need? Wanting a baby inside you. Making love while I’m holding you…” 

Jax turned into him, rubbing his nose into Isaak’s chest. There was no way he could describe it. “Primal,” he whispered. “Like I just let go of everything and it’s all that’s left.” 

“I nearly lost my mind,” Isaak admitted. “Seeing you like that, having you like that. Didn’t know I had a daddy kink until you called me daddy.” Jax giggled, but soon his giggled turned to outright laughter. Isaak nipped at him, making him laugh even harder. 

“Isaak, Isaak,” he gasped, “You are a textbook Daddy.” 

“Does that make you my baby, sugar-baby?” 

Jax bit his lip, coyly. “Haven’t I always been your… what did they call me? Your kitten?” 

Isaak groaned, both because Jax was his kitten, but also because to his men that meant something different. “Koshka means cat. Don’t ask. They call you kitten because you’re my little one.” 

“I like being your little one,” Jax purred and laid his thigh over Isaak’s hip. 

“I’d like for you to have my little ones. I’d like to keep you home, full and happy,” Isaak nipped at him. Jax melted in his arms, Isaak’s words pushing every button, telling him everything he didn’t know he wanted to hear. “Big house, open spaces so we can see them all tumbling around. Warm floors so no shoes inside. Of course your mom would be pissed she doesn’t get to smoke inside, but she put up with it because we keep her well supplied with grandchildren” 

“How many?” Jax whimpered, shivering as Isaak stroked his back the way he knew he liked. He imagined blond haired, blue eyed children running around him, Abel hugging his siblings, playing in the pool. 

“How many can you carry?” Isaak asked hotly, hips jacking reflexively, dick sliding up, just missing its instinctive mark. “How many do you want?” There were moments when he realise he would give Jax the world, as much of it as was his to give. He’d take the rest. Moments like this is when he realised Jax could tear his heart out of his chest, and he would still worship the ground he walked on. 

“Four?” Jax asked, feeling dizzy with want. The both arched and Jax tried to relax let Isaak’s strength do the work. He mewed as Isaak sank into him. “Four more,” he panted. “I don’t want Abel to be a-alone.”

“He’ll never be alone,” Isaak promised. “Boys or girls?” 

“I don’t care, as long as they’re ours- ah” Jax arched, crying out as Isaak’s teeth sank into his neck. “Isaak-” he bit harder, “Isaak-” Jax pulled away. 

“Did I bite too hard?” Isaak asked, kissing the bleeding spot apologetically, holding him tightly and fiercely. 

“Isaak,” Jax kicked himself up, coming nose to nose. Isaak slid out of him, and he felt empty and he missed the warmth and fullness, but he had something important to say. “Isaak.” 

Isaak smiled indulgently, wanting to get back to his snack. “Yes, honey.” He dropped a kiss on Jax’s lips. 

Jax could barely breathe, emotion was so pressed up in his chest. “I-” He sobbed and rubbed their noses together. Panting, he felt his pulse rise, heart thundering in his chest. “I, I want my collars,” he whispered, voice shaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the absence. To make up for my crazy life I've decided to start publishing the alternate storylines to this one. There are so many ways in which things could have turned out so different, and there are so many plot bunnies that run crazy, but dont align to the main plot. The best way to keep on track is to just write them out and move on. So, I'm sharing.   
> They're all posted in this Series, so you can just press "next" and there you go! These are short a quick, already all done, so they are safe to read, so you wont be kept waiting :)
> 
> First up is; how would things have played out if Isaak never hit Jax?


	41. PART 5: 5.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When one door closes, another one opens. Peace in the home means trouble for Samcro.

Sunlight flowed through the windows. The house was mostly quiet, but was slowly coming to life as the staff were waking up. Abel was still fast asleep, as he would be this early. Jax sat on the edge of the bed, watching Isaak. He was wearing Isaak’s shirt from the day before, sleeves rolled up and pushed over his elbows. The shirt was huge. It made him feel warm to wear it, even though the fabric was smooth and silky. Isaak came to kneel before him. He held out his right hand. Jax’s breath caught in his chest when he felt the smooth metal against his skin. The cuff slipped neatly around his wrist, its perfect fit reminding him that it was indeed made for him. Isaak’s strong hands clicked the lock together, and Jax knew that it was an endeavor to unlock it if you didn’t know exactly how.

Isaak got to his feet. Gently he brushed Jax long hair out of the way and laid the collar around his neck. It was open ended on the front, but it was still unmistakable. A bone deep calm settled in Isaak now that Jax once more had his name on him. Jax pulled him down to sit next to him, then he got up and went to the showcase. The little black box. His right hand felt a little heavier than he was used to, but it felt wonderful. Still, he was nervous. He picked up the little box and saw that he was shaking a little, but it was okay. This was worth shaking for. He opened the box and took the rings out. 

Walking back across the room, Isaak was watching him with a small frown. Crawling onto the bed again, Jax took Isaak’s left hand. “Jax -” Jax’s shushed him, and slid the larger ring onto Isaak’s ring finger. He bit his lip and looked up at him, nervous, but happy. Isaak’s eyes were shining with tears. “Sunshine.” He couldn’t believe what Jax was doing. He could barely believe he’s been allowed to put the collars back on, but this as well? 

Jax hurriedly put the smaller ring on his own ring finger. It fit perfectly. Of course it did. “Yes?”

“Is this what you want?” 

Jax nodded, “I do.” He kissed him. “I want this. You. Us. All of it. You said… when you first collared me that it’s like a marriage of sorts. I want all of it.” 

Isaak barked a laugh and wiped a happy tear, “Big house and four more kids, right. That’s what we settled on?”

“And no smoking in the house,” Jax nodded, happy tears filling his eyes. “And heated floors. No shoes indoors.” 

Isaak let Jax crawl into his lap, holding hands and kissing. “No longer just a dream then,” Isaak concluded. “It’s a tangible goal now.” Jax nodded, each nod rubbing his nose against Isaak’s. “And when you’re ready to talk about beginning on those four kids, you just let me know, okay?” 

Jax paused, mind coming to a screeching halt. His mind spun to Galen’s adoption house, and the panic and fury that had welled in him. “I said…” he swallowed, “I said, I asked if we could talk about it seriously after I left the Sons…”

Isaak kissed his nose, “Sunshine, you leaving the Sons, thats all you. I will support you in every way I can, no matter what. If you retire, it’s your decision, for you. There is no pressure from me.” 

“But you want me to leave. I know you do,” Jax said quietly. 

“I want to take you around the world. Show you every beautiful place I know of. How that looks like, if you remain a Son or not doesn’t matter to me. That’s certainly easier if we can just pack up the offspring and fly off, no obligations, but I have all I wanted. Biker gang and all.” Isaak kissed him again and put a finger on Jax stomach, “So when you want to talk about a baby brother or baby sister for Abel…”

Jax took his hand and pressed it against his stomach, “And if I just want to practice for a bit?” 

Isaak grinned, “Practice makes perfect, my love.” 

 

# 

 

Their morning continued in a state of bliss. Abel had been bouncing around the kitchen like the floor was a trampoline ever since they told him. The kid was ecstatic, it was just funny. It made them happy that Abel wanted them married so much. 

“My daddies are getting married! My daddies are getting married-” he sang breathlessly. 

Abel was such a perceptive kid. He’d known things had been hard, and he’d known Jax and Isaak had been struggling. He’d known his daddy had been sad. He’d known his daddy had been sad because Isaak was gone, then he’d been sad because he was back. But now they were happy again. 

“I can take Abel to school before heading to the office,” Isaak offered. “I have some time and I have a feeling you will have a late day.” 

“That would be nice. Garage first, got a couple of meets this afternoon. Wrapping up this Cartell deal.” Jax accepted a firm back stroke with a purr. “It’ll be good for him to spend time with you,” he sighed. “Might actually do the impossible and instill manners into a Teller.” 

Isaak chuckled, “You’re not so bad, Jackson.”

Jax raised a brow, “Knowing I’m ill-mannered ain’t the same as being well mannered.” 

“But I received such compliments on your good manners,” Isaak teased. 

Jax blushed. “Shut up,” he muttered. 

 

#

 

Jax arrived at the garage only to find it swarming with cops. He parked his bike and waved down Juice. “What the hell is going on?” 

Juice looked around, nervous. “Opie shot Clay,” he said, “No idea why. Personal shit been building.”

Jax gaped, “What?” he hissed, “Why didn’t nobody call me?” 

“Clay told us not to. He’s healing. Mom is at the hospital. He’ll be fine.” 

“What aren’t you telling me, Juice,” Jax pressed. 

“Jax…” Juice looked pained. 

“Tell me.” 

“Look… fuck. You’ve been gone so much, man. You haven’t been seeing the way Opie has been falling apart. He and Lyla, they ain’t great. He’s not coping. Then… Clay killed Piney. He snapped.” 

Jax just shook his head. What the hell? He was having difficulty piecing it all together. “Why? Why Piney? What’s wrong with Ope?”

“About Piney, I don’t have a clue. Mom said it was a long time coming. Said you should know before anyone else. But it was more than that. Opie… man you know what Opie’s problem is.” 

Jax shook his head, “We ain’t been on a level for a while, Juice. We…”

“I know. Chibs… Chibs told me that Ope was having trouble getting over…” Juice rubbed his neck awkwardly. Jax looked at him questioningly, prompting him to answer. “You, man. Said he regretted marrying Lyla. He’s been struggling with his fuck up of… losing you.” 

Jax winced, shaking his head, “That’s historic shit man.”

Juice shrugged, “Not to him. Look, it had to be more than just Isaak coming back that broke shit between you two.” 

Jax hesitated. He really wasn’t eager to dredge that shit up again, nor was he interested in sharking shit, but he knew Juice was trustworthy. He had proved that many times. “Ope and I got together… just Hale gave him that file.”

Understanding dawned on Juice. “Oh. You didn’t know he had it?” 

Jax shook his head, “I didn’t know until he said in Church. He pretty much figured that if he took Isaak’s place…”

Juice frowned, stomach a little queasy at the implications. “Shit, that’s heavy.” 

“And… This Gallindo deal. He said… fuck I sound like such a bitch…” Jax rubbed his brow and the ring on his finger caught the light. “Just… knowing that he saw, he knew… and then he said he didn’t understand why I accepted Clays reason to cash out when my… sugar-daddy would give me anything I wanted if I just waved my tail at him.” 

Juice’s eye caught the gleaming ring. “Fuck… he really said that?” 

“Verbatim,” Jax muttered. “If it was now… it wouldn’t matter, but back then everything was so fresh. Just out of prison, Isaak back, coming out to the club, he got married but wanted to keep on-” he gestured. “And all the other club shit.”

Juice winced, “Yeah.”

“Ope and I… that shit broke a lot of trust. It just hasn’t been the same.” 

“No… It wouldn’t be.” Juice rubbed his scalp, feeling ill at ease with what he now knew. He’d had some sympathy for Ope, but sweeping in like that when Jax was in that state, and it was such a betrayal of trust. He’d seen how Jax head leaned on Ope while Abel was gone. Looking back at it now, it was obvious. Then he got married. Jax must have felt like the ground just kept breaking underneath his feet. “But, uh… seems like things are on the right track for you,” Juice nodded at his left hand. Jax frowned and shook his head. “Ring, man,” Juice smiled. “Getting married?”

“Oh,” Jax huffed, “Yeah. It… kinda slipped my mind. Clay-”

Juice chuckled. “Dude, Clay will be fine.” 

Jax let out a tense laugh, “Getting married… I should get to the hospital.”

“Jax, the guys don’t know. Unser told me. Clay wanted to keep it under wraps until he was well enough to address the table.” 

“That makes no sense. Who’d he pin it on?” 

“Black.”

Jax paled, “No…. Fuck fuck fuck.” That shit would go so wrong. Didn’t anyone understand that? “I need to get to St. Thomas.”

“I’m on crime-scene duty,” Juice gestured to the techs coming out with fresh cups of coffee. 

“I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah - congrats, Jax.”

“Thanks,” he threw over his shoulder as he got on his bike. 

#

 

He’d talked to Isaak on his way up in the elevator. What a cluster-fuck. All this shit just made him want to get away all the more. As he stalked through the hallways, eyes blazing with anger. Not one fucking day of peace. He didn’t even know which direction to focus his anger. Clay for killing Piney. Opie for trying to kill Clay? 

Gemma thought her son was quite the sight as he came. Long strides, hair falling from his tail, cheeks flushed and eyes hard in anger. “Jax,” she embraced him as he came to her. Jax hugged her tightly, giving her every bit of comfort he could. Piney had been his dad’s best friend and his mom had known each other since she was nineteen. “He’s okay, honey. Clay will be fine.” 

“How’s Ope?” 

“Pissed off, but contained.” 

“Piney?” 

“Dead.” 

“Do they know?”

Gemma shook her head, “No. Clay wants it contained.”

“That ain’t a good idea, mom.”

“Ain’t your call.” 

“Clay killed a member. He’s lost the gavel.” Jax headed into the waiting room. The guys stood as he came in, but he motioned for them all to sit down. “Where is Tig?”

“Sorry Jackie. Clay said not to call you,” Chibs said. “Tig went to the shitter.”

“Might have turned out for the best,” Jax said. “This wasn’t black.”

“Clay said black did a drive-by. Prospects -”

“It was Ope,” Jax cut him off. All eyes snapped to him, wide and wary. “Clay killed Piney over old historic shit. Ope… after Donna. Piney on top of it, it’s more than anyone can take.” The Sons just looked at each other in disbelief. Jax shook his head. “Clay killed a member. I can only theorise that’s why he didn’t want me here. Because he knew I’d take the gavel.” 

The Sons sat silently. Happy and Chibs felt like idiots that they hadn’t seen through that obvious play. What President didn’t want their VP present if he got shot and nearly killed.

 

Jax snapped his first order as President of the Sons. “Find Trager, make sure he doesn’t do something inexplicably stupid. If he goes after Black, we’re all fucked.”


	42. 5.2

Jax stood waiting for Galen at the ware house. The cars rolled in and Jax exhaled sharply. Clay had been furious, but Jax had laid down the law. Everything was more complicated now, and Galen being a stubborn shit didn’t make matters any better. Bobby, Juice and Tig were still missing in action. He had a feeling Roosevelt had taken Juice in, and that left Tig and Bobby as unknowns. He didn’t like unknowns.

He knew he had met the fork in the road. This had to be his exit, or he was never getting out. The President’s patch was on his kutte, but he would not be carrying it long if he had anything to say about it. He just needed to get them clear of this shit, then he could go raise his son. 

“Where the fuck is Clay?” Galen drawled. 

“Hospital,” Jax replied. “This is Romeo. Cartell.” Jax cleared his throat, “look, Galen I know we don’t get along and I have a feeling you won’t deal with anyone but Clay. I get that. He’s conscious. He’ll be out in a week or so.”

“You saying our deal is stalling, boy?” Galen sneered. 

“I’m saying it’s up to you. We can execute the deal as you and Clay planned, or we can wait for Clay.” 

Galen studied him, a sharp grin spreading on his face. “Man got you on a tight leash I hear,” he taunted. “Rumors floating around that the VP of SAMCRO takes it up the arse from some pussyfooting real estate sugar daddy -”

Romeo arched a brow and exchanged a glance with one of his men. Jax didn’t know what to make of it. Either they though he was a pansy, or they’d done their job before stepping into Charming and knew damn well who Isaak was, and knew better than to antagonize. 

Jax smiled and pulled his gloves off, “Pussyfooting real estate sugar daddy got this SAMCRO VP thinking long term.” Galen’s eyes flickered to the white metal on his left hand. “I’m retiring, Galen. This-” he gestured to his Presidency-patch, “This is temporary. Club will decide if Clay has the strength to keep leading. They’ll re-elect him if it’s right for them.” 

Galen just smirked and shook his head. “Unbelievable.” 

“What does this mean for us?” Romeo asked. 

“Nothing,” Jax replied. “Change of leadership doesn’t mean the club negates on our deals. Apart from Clay, you’re the first to know. You have your heads-up to make arrangements if you have an issue with it.” 

“You’re a coward, Jax,” Galen snarled. “Gavel falls to you, and you buckle.”

Jax smiled to himself, “This has been years in the making, Galen. I was patching out when Abel was kidnapped. Hilarious-” he chuckled, “It was you that reminded me I need to get the fuck out of this mess. Your… Catholic adoption house was a… brutal reminder. Sons was built on family. Now we got brother killing brother. Not how I want to bring up my kid.” 

“Clay was shot by a Son?” Galen asked, eyes sharp.

“Clay killed Piney - a First Nine,” Jax revealed. “A few years back, Clay’s ordered Ope killed, but got his old lady Donna instead. Ope snapped and retaliated.” 

Romeo scratched his chin, “Can’t say I blame him.” 

“No one does, but it’s not how we do shit,” Jax said. “Clay should have been sentenced at the table, not by rage. But it is what it is. We have to deal with what’s in front of us, not what we wish was there.”

Galen studies him, “I wouldn’t have thought a hotheaded brat like you would deal with this so calmly.”

Jax huffed and sniped sardonically,holding his temper at bay, knowing Galen was baiting him just because he could. “Maybe all I needed all along was a sugar daddy to take me in hand, in a way my hotheaded bratty self could understand and respect.” 

“Clay couldn’t discipline you enough?” Galen sneered. 

Jax paused. Clay had lost his respect the first time his fist met his mother’s face. The only loyalty he had to him, was as far as Gemma’s good will stretched. Clay had made some strides in repairing his relationship with Jax lately, but then he’d killed Piney. Jax didn’t know what to make of it. Eventually he snorted, “Tell that to his face. Not sure he’ll appreciate the comparison.” 

“Not sure your man will either,” Romeo muttered. He waved at his men to wrap up. 

Jax laughed, “Can you imagine?”

“Looking like someone pissed in their beer,” Romeo grinned. 

Jax snorted, “Isaak would rather go to a bar and drink water than American piss or Irish gutter water,” he mimicked his polished English accent. 

“Perhaps some craft beer,” Romeo suggested. 

“You might be on to something there,” Jax agreed. 

Galen just looked between then and rolled his eyes. “If you don’t mind, Jax-” he said, making it clear that he wasn’t asking for any sort of permission. “We’ll hold off on the deal until Clay is in better health.” 

Jax and romeo exchanged a glance, but nodded. “I’ll let the table know.”

“You do that, boy.” 

 

#

 

“I need to get Isaak up to speed. I’ll catch up with you at Church,” Jax said and got on his bike. 

Tig scoffed, “I find it interesting that in all of this, with Pope on our asses, keeping your boyfriend in the loop is a priority.” 

 

Time stood still for Jax. 

Keeping his boyfriend in the loop.

Jax had always known Tig wasn’t capable of seeing the big picture, but this brought short-sighted to a new degree of blindness Jax had trouble comprehending. 

He felt like he was dredging through syrup, but eventually he got off his bike and his fist met Tig’s face. Time was back to its normal speed as Chibs and Happy pulled them apart.

Jax wiped spit off his chin. “My boyfriend. Who happens to currently be watching the only son of the SOA President?” Jax sniffed and cracked his neck, pissed off and with a deeply seated need to fight, but knowing he needed to save his strength. “What do you think will happen Tig, if Pope thinks your attack was a club call? Who does he come after?” 

Chibs was the first who understood what Jax was worried about. 

“Big picture, Tig. What happens if Pope comes after the SAMCRO heir as retribution for the loss of his own? I’ll tell you what happens: Abel will be fine. Problem is, Pope will have pointed a gun at the Head of the Russian Syndicate, and your fucking inability to follow orders will have unleashed a god-damned war.” 

“I don’t see the downside of that,” Tig shrugged, lip bloody. 

Jax supposed he should be thankful for the way his brain went numb. He could barely feel his hands moving as he cut the Sargent-patch off Tig’s kutte and gave it to Chibs. 

 

#

 

It was a beautiful sunny day when Piney’s memorial was held. Jax sat next to Isaak, taking comfort in his warmth. Abel was sitting in his lap, looking curiously around, but not really understanding what was going on. Isaak’s arms was resting on the back of his chair. The 6’4 man struck quite the figure in a gray suit. Jax had raised a brow at it, but Isaak pointed out that Piney wasn’t the kind of guy to appreciate a dreary memorial, and that the man himself hadn’t worn a single piece of black the entire time he’d known him. Even his kutte wasn’t the standard black leather. Jax hadn’t thought of that. 

Lyla was holding Opie’s hand and their kids were sitting quietly. The priest had said his piece and had left after a few quiet words. His mom was doing the duties of Queen, and making sure everyone was thanked for their attendance and concern. Jax knew he had to step out of Isaak’s safe shadow soon, but his fiancee’s sturdy presence kept him whole in the face of Piney’s death and Ope’s hard glare. 

After a while when Ope was alone, Jax walked over. “You holding up, Ope?” 

“I’m fine,” Opie replied tersely. 

“That’s a load of shit,” Jax said, his white shoes kicking at the grass. 

“Did you have to bring him?” 

Jax frowned and glance over his shoulder. “Which one?” It was an honest question. There were several people he knew why Ope didn’t want there, Clay and Isaak in particular, but which one was currently the target of his ire was a mystery. 

“Isaak,” Ope lit a smoke. “You don’t control Clay.” 

Jax sighed and scratched his neck, “They’ve been friends a couple of years Ope. Ain’t right to deny him saying goodbye just cause you don’t like him.”

Ope raised a brow at him. “Light gray suit?” 

“Piney never wore black,” Jax said quietly. “Said he went to too many funerals after the war, he never wanted to wear it again.” 

“I didn’t know.” 

“Me neither. They were career military. Bonded over that I suppose.” 

“I guess.” 

Jax let the quiet carry them for a bit. “You gonna be okay, Ope?” 

“I’ll carry shit.”

“Does that shit include your kids?” Jax asked quietly. 

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” Jax didn’t reply, and apparently that pissed Ope off even more. “The fuck, Jax?”

“Donna and I were tight man, and I could help her. Every day, drive them to school, soccer practice, night stories, whatever she needed to keep whole. But Lyla… she’s not going to ask. We don’t have that bond and she won’t accept the help if offered. She’s been on her own for so long, if you flake out on her she will work herself to the bone until she’s got nothing more to give. None of this is fair to you, Ope. The cost this club has had to your family. But Ken and Ellie deserve it even less. Lost their mom, man. And you just went on a six month ride like they didn’t matter. You fuck off now, they’ll go to foster care.” 

“You’ll let them go to foster care?” 

“Ain’t my call, Ope.”

“You wouldn’t take them?” 

“I’m a felon. No bloodline. They ain’t gonna let me keep them, godfather or not.” 

“Lyla will step up.” 

Jax felt a sliver of anger cut through him. “None of this is her fault either Ope. How about you step up. You are their god damned father. Be a parent. Put them before your own needs.” 

“And the Club?” Ope asked tonelessly. 

“No one wants you to leave Ope. You leaving will be a tough blow, but for those kids, its everything that matters. Club ain’t going nowhere. You take a month off or ten years off, your seat will always be yours. Their childhoods are half gone already. And you missed most of it.” 

“That’s an awful lot of judging from a guy who raises his kid with a man who beats him.” 

 

Jax just stared at him, once again feeling like Ope just pulled the carpet from beneath him. “A lot of judging from the guy who took advantage of it too.” 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Ope asked sharply. 

“The fuck do you think, Ope?”

“You saying you didn’t want it?” 

“I was starved and hurting. It would have been different if…” Jax looked away. 

“If I didn’t have Hale’s file.” 

“The only reason you got involved with me was because you thought Isaak would stay away if you took his place.”

“Was that so wrong?” 

“Don’t think you can grasp how deep a betrayal that was.” Jax’s eyes followed Abel as he wandered though the crowd. “Take care of your kids and your wife, Ope.” 

“I don’t want to.” 

“You married her,” Jax said, pain in his voice. He flinched as Ope took his arm in hand. 

“That’s why divorce exists.” 

“Holy shit,” Jax whispered to himself. They were pretty much literally standing on Piney’s grave, and Ope was more interested in getting between his legs than he was taking care of his kids. “I… it’s not gonna happen, Ope.”

“Why not? We had a good thing.”

“Yeah, for a little when, then you got married. That changed things. It ended things.”

“You saying you can’t give me another chance.” 

“I’m saying I don’t want to.”

“Got something to do with that slave collar you’re wearing?” 

It felt like another punch to the gut. “Yeah. It does. You just don’t get it. What I need.” Jax shook his head, upset and conflicted. Conflicted about how to preserve whatever tattered remains of their friendship. “I don’t love you. Whatever could have been… it’s not there anymore. You don’t get me. You don’t understand me.”

“I don’t get the brutality you need?” 

“You don’t get the safety I need,” Jax confessed. His voice was barely above a whisper, but it felt like a scream. “He feels like the safest place in the world.” Ope didn’t have to point out again that Isaak had put him in the hospital. His raised brows and evaded flat glare said it loud enough. “We’re getting married,” he said finally. “I love him, Ope. You don’t have to agree, or like it, but I’d appreciate it if… you just stopped.” 

“You gonna marry that man?” 

“I am.” 

“What if he snaps again. Puts his hands on you again?”

Jax shrugged, eyes wet with tears, “I’ll cross that bridge if I get to it.” 

“It’s interesting that you don’t think you’ll get to it.” 

“You’re killing me, Ope,” Jax despaired. “I’m trying so damned hard here and…” and Ope was just spitting it back in his face. He hung his head, tired, sad and wanting so badly just to escape back to Isaak’s arms and his promise of peace, children, love and safety. “I’m sorry,” he said. His voice broke and he hid his face in his hands. “I can’t do this.” As he walked away, he stopped and turned for a brief moment, “You can’t keep defining yourself by whose legs you go between, man. The people you claim to love deserve better.” 

It tore him up to walk away from his best friend. Not as badly as it hurt Ope, but it hurt. The relief when he escaped into Isaak’s arms made his entire body sag in relief, pain drain from his heart and ice thawed from his stomach. 

 

 

#


	43. 5.3

Jax was sitting next to Isaak on the couch, head buried in his arms, tired and fed up. Fawn, Tigs youngest was out of Pope’s grasp. That was something at least, even if the eldest got burned to death. An APB was out on them and his mother had made it perfectly clear that they shouldn’t turn themselves in on the bullshit charge.   
He had never spent so much time in whorehouses in his life. He was not a fan. Not judging, but not a fan.   
“I’m sorry for this mess,” he said quietly. 

Isaak just shrugged, “Not your error, my dear.”

“Not quite how I imagined our wedding to be though.”

Isaak chuckled, “Church, whorehouse, same difference if you lived long enough.” 

Jax just stared at Isaak. Then he broke into hysteric giggles, which soon developed into full blown laughter. Isaak just looked at him with an arched brow as Jax laughed until tears slipped down his cheeks. The Sons looked at him like he was going mad. What was it about the situation which was worth laughing about? Pink faced and breathless, he tackled the Russian to the couch, toppling them over and rolling on the ground. 

“You two are crazy,” Gemma shook her head, Abel on her hip. “Judge is here.” 

The judge looked at them flatly and started reciting in a long drone. “We gather here to unite these two people in marriage. Their decision to marry has not been entered into lightly and today they publicly declare their private devotion to each other. Do you both pledge to share your lives openly with one another, and to speak the truth in love? Do you,Jackson Nathaniel Teller promise to honor and care for, cherish and encourage, stand beside, through sorrows and joys, hardships and triumphs for all the days of your lives?”

“I do,” Jax said softly. 

“Do you, Isaak Aleksey Sirko promise to honor and care for, cherish and encourage, stand beside, through sorrows and joys, hardships and triumphs for all the days of your lives?”

“I do.” 

Judge nodded and smacked his book shut, “I now pronounce you husband and…husband. Sign here.” Isaak signed first, signature sure and heavy, the sure tell of a man who signed his name several times a day. He handed Jax the pen. Their finger brushed softly. Jax signed with a quick flat flourish. “You may kiss.” 

Whoever was expecting a soft traditional kiss just didn’t know Isaak very well, still Jax was a little surprised, pleasantly surprised at the warm hand at the back of his neck. The kiss was soft. In all fairness, in was soft. But it was deep. It made his skin nip, and his stomach flip. It numbed his brain and sent zings through his body. It reminded him dully of their first kiss in the elevator, but different as well. This wasn’t just hungry. It was possessive, all consuming and a heavy dose of absolute ownership that made Jax’s soul purr. His entire body melted into Isaak’s solid frame and the jeering whistles were so far away, he couldn’t hear them. Their lips parted wetly and Jax was shaking all over. Isaak’s smirked as he felt his kitten trembling in his hands, his cheeks flushed and his blown pupils almost covering the blue of his eyes. He snaked his other arm around his waist, and crushed him to his chest. 

“Good thing this place have plenty a’ rooms,” Chibs teased. “Better hurry up if you want a honey moon.”

 

#

 

Despite being so aroused they were shaking, they both knew that Jax would be in no shape to handle himself afterward. With the sort of mood they were in, he would be weak limbed for days. He didn’t even want to think about what security check would be like they found him soft, open wet and swollen. There were no illusions about what that entailed. The guard at Stockton had been example enough. 

There was also the issue of Jax’s sensitivity. There was no such thing as a quickie between them. They could play and simmer, but quick? No. Jax’s head-space was far too close to the surface lately. Normally Isaak loved that. He loved being able to caress his kitten to a state of bliss. He loved that scenes brought them both so much higher than he had experienced with anyone. Higher than he had ever anticipated was possible. It also meant bending him over and crewing his brains out just wasn’t really an option. He briefly wondered it was specific to their relationship, or if Jax just was that sensitive regardless. He shook his head, shaking the thought from his mind before the thought of Harry Winston’s hands on his Sub pissed him off enough for Jax to notice. Isaak bit down lightly at Jax’s nape. His little one shrank under his sharp teeth. Isaak bit down harder and Jax knees buckled. Isaak gripped his wrists tightly, forcing him to his knees on the bed, draped over his back. 

Jax shuddered and pressed close. This was such a bad idea, but he was literally shaking with need and Isaak was right there, rock hard against him, sinking his teeth into him. He could immediately tell something was on his mind, but as far as he knew, the only think Isaak wanted from this mood was to claim Jax all for himself. Jax twisted in his grip and let Isaak pull his trousers off just about half way. Just enough. He wrapped one leg around him, and let out a huff as Isaak pushed his entire upper body ensemble over his head and onto the floor. Isaak started pressing into him. 

Jax couldn’t breathe. He was paralysed. The lube was blessedly cold as Isaak’s strength burned in him. Every shallow breath he took made him twitch, struggling to accept the claim his husband was laying on him. 

Husband. 

Isaak to his hand and intertwined their fingers. He held it over his head, stretching him out. The arch in his back made his easier. The pressure as he pushed. The fire up his back. Lips claiming his mouth, sucking his breath out. Jax keened, feeling utterly out of control as Isaak pulled from him, and blessedly secure as he plowed back into him. 

Something possessed Isaak. Something was tearing at him, but even so, Jax knew he was giving him the only thing he needed. “I love you,” Jax whispered. “More than I knew I could love anyone.” 

“Only me?” Isaak asked, somewhat teasingly, but Jax could feel that deep down, he was completely serious. 

Jax wrapped his legs around him, forcing him to still deep inside him. “Isa-ak, I didn’t even know what being in love felt like until I fell in love with you.” Jax paused and searched Isaak’s usually steely eyes. He saw love, possessiveness, insecurity… and fear. 

Fear. 

Jax didn’t know what caused it, but he knew where it came form. “There was never anyone but you, and there wont ever be.” He squeesed their joined hands. “This is forever - oh my god-” he gasped. His gasp was muffled by a breath-stealing deep kiss. Isaak ground his hips, making tears spring to Jax’s eyes. The constant rub against his sweet spot and the deep moves were maddening and dizzying. 

With separation on the horizon, making love never felt so sweet. 

Laughter ran in the hallway and the door was suddenly pushed open. “Sorry for the interruption Prez, but we gotta scram. Sheriffs are at TM.” Happy winced, getting a glimpse of the size Jax was handling. The SOA President was on his back with his new husband above and obviously inside him. The Russian seemed to be doing a good job of it, as their boss was teary-eyed, pink-faced and shaking, his long blond locks in disarray hanging over the edge of the bed. Isaak didn’t seem to give a fuck that he was watching, but the Boss obviously did. The Russian fucked Jax, slow and steady, drawing the kind of cries and whimpers that were close to mythical in the world of fucking.

“Get out-” Jax sobbed and cried out as Isaak bottomed out. Happy closed the door, cursing at himself as he knew Jax was going to be pissed with him for this. That had been some intimate shit. Handholding, slow fucking, kissing and all. Walking in on someone fucking was fine. Walking in on someone making love was hellishly awkward. Both because it was awkward, but also because those moments were rare and hard to get, and he’d just disturbed one.

 

Jax panted, frantic and at the same time, wanting to slow time down to savor the moment. But the moment didn’t last. It was a wonderful, perfect moment - or it would have been sans Happy. They cleaned up and Isaak helped him dress. He felt mellow and satisfied. Completely boneless. Fucking sore. “What brought that on?” he asked. Isaak just raised a brow at him. “Don’t give me that, Aleksey,” Jax said. “I saw that look on your face. Why are you afraid to lose me when I literally just married you?” 

Isaak sighed heavily and just pulled Jax close. “Just a silly thought dropped into my head. Nothing to worry about.” 

Jax tip toed up and kissed him. “Tell me.” 

Isaak smiled sadly, “I was thinking, sex wasn’t a good idea when you’re taking a trip upstate. Your subspace is so close to the surface these days.”

“It worries you?” Jax cocked his head, “I’ll be fine.” 

Isaak nodded, “Then I though… I remembered that my actions drove you to the arms of someone else. And selfishly I wondered if he ever -”

Jax’s eyes widened. With all the drama with Ope lately, especially with the bullshit at the memorial, of course Isaak would think about it. It was not an intuitive connection to make that Isaak would have many insecurities, but Jax knew how often Victor had been unfaithful before Isaak had given up on him. The entire situation still burned in his gut, but he could see it from the other side as well. Fifteen years of cheating does something to your ability be level on the security in you relationship. “No. He didn’t.” Jax cut him off. “Not even close. Never.” Not even for the lack of trying. Even when he’d tried to push himself there, it had never been on the table. 

Isaak closed his eyes and chuckled. “What a fool I am.” 

Jax bit his lip. “You’re not. I wondered as well. With Victor.” 

Isaak shook his head and kissed Jax’s forehead. “No. Even on the best of days, what we had couldn’t measure up to even the first day with you. You knocked me out, Sunshine,” he tugged gently at a shiny lock. “You were mine the moment I tasted you. And when you sat there blushing, so self-conscious.” 

“Two and a little bit of three,” Jax remembered with a fond smile. 

“How about when you get out, we’ll do two, and a little bit of three.”

“When I’m done with this, take me far away from all this bullshit,” Jax begged, tired to the bone and desperately just wanting his son. 

“Four more and a few cats.” 

“Cats?” 

Isaak nodded. “Pets are good for children's immune systems.” 

“I heard that somewhere,” Jax smiled. “We should get down before they send another scout.” 

 

#


	44. 5.4

Pope sat looking through his file on Jax Teller, humming quietly to himself. “This white boy is too pretty to be in charge of these thugs,” he crooned. He had a hard time believing the rap sheet that went along with the picture. Less surprising was the notation that the pretty biker was apparently gay. More surprising was that he was a gay president of a highly profiled biker gang whose strict criteria was widely known. Pope had a feeling that if there were not some heavy forms of nepotism at play, it would have been out of the question. He looked up to see said pretty biker enter the Commander Pare’s office.

Jax felt like he was under a microscope as Damon Pope studied him.

“You are actually prettier in person,” Pope eventually said. “Pictures don’t do your hair justice. I wonder how that luminous locks served you when doing time. Or how it disadvantaged you when rising in the ranks of your organisation. Being a homosexual surely could not have helped.” 

Jax sat down in the chair, feeling guarded and on edge. “Didn’t know I came here for an appraisal.”

“I’m just looking at you and wondering if I should add fucking you to my terms of your survival.” 

Jax was stunned. 

Pope was nonchalant to Jax’s reaction. “Guards said you came prepared… you’re certainly pretty enough to forget my straightness for a short while.” 

Getting over his surprise, Jax twitched in irritation. “If you’re done being rapey, can we get down to business.” 

“Oh we are discussing business,” Pope gazed at him with narrowed eyes. “Understand, it would be for vengeance, not for pleasure. I desire to make you hurt.”

“I just got married today-”

“Congratulations. Why should I care?” 

“I’m not gonna insult you by saying I understand you pain -” 

“Bending you over the table and knowing you will live with that humiliation will ease my pain? I’ll even have someone else do it. Measure for the biggest cock on the block.” 

 

Jax went a little green at the thought, and his stomach clenched in nausea. “My husband is the head of the Russian Syndicate. I want to settle with you, on terms we can both stomach. On terms that won’t start a war.” 

“I’m already at war.” Jax felt ice flow through his veins. His reaction must have shown, because Pope smirked, satisfied. “It seems unlike the Russians to start a war over some ass.” 

Jax quirked a pained grin. “He put a bullet in the head of last guy who asked if he could play with Volke’s kitten. He didn’t even put his hands on me.”

“Kitten, uh?” Pope nodded, seeing where the nickname came from. “That’s how he plays it. Alright. I’ve learned one thing running in these circles; don’t fuck with a mans kitten.”

#

Jax was thoroughly irritated by the time he came out of negotiation with Pope. Chibs approached him first. “Any terms?” 

“Half of the drug haul, Trager in prison… and he wants a Son for the cop and the Niner.”

Chibs stared at him, deadpanned, “That’s it, uh?” he said sarcastically. “Man didn’t listen to sense.”

“No, it wasn’t-” Jax spat. “Considering he wanted Trager in for life, two dead sons, 70% cut, and me gang-raped for his amusement, I think I did pretty well at that table.”

“Are you serious lad?” 

“Which bit?” 

“Having you gang raped, boy,” Chibs hissed. 

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

Chibs nodded. “So we have terms.” 

“I’m not leaving anyone for dead,” Jax muttered. “God damn Tig.” He rubbed his brow, “God damn Clay. Why couldn’t they just deal with their shit like normal people?” 

Chibs snorted, “We’re not normal, Prez. 

 

#

Jax and Opie sat in silence. They hadn’t talked much. There wasn’t much to say after the memorial. Ope knew Jax had gotten married the day before, and it had sent his heart to the bottom of his shoes. The fresh bite-mark on the back of Jax’s neck just pissed him off. The guards came in, “You decided?” Jax shook his head. The guards just leered and led them to the basement of the prison. 

With the Sons gathered, the Guard Sargent spoke, “If you don’t pick one, I will.” 

Ope saw the pain and anger in Jax’s eyes. He stepped forward and head butted the Sargeant, giving the man a broken nose and a fractured forehead. The guards grabbed him, and was about to pull him out. 

“Ope-” 

 

Opie stopped Jax with a hand on his chest. “I got this.” he said with a shot nod. 

“No, Ope, no-” Jax panicked. 

As the guards lead Opie out, he turned and took three quick steps back to Jax. He grabbed him and kissed him deeply. Jax was too stunned to react. Parting, Ope gasped quietly “I never meant to break your heart.” Ope kissed him again, savoring the very last taste until the guards yanked them apart, and the guards dragged Ope out. Jax screamed. 

He screamed. 

He screamed.

As Opie fell to the ground, Jax clung to the glass, beating his hands bloody. As Ope mouthed a quiet I love you, and not even a second later, the pipe connected with the back of his head. As the guards came to take them back to their cells, Chibs and Tig had to carry him. 

 

#

The guard walked into the office where Pope was sitting. “Is Mr. Teller on his way?”

“Teller is... not quite all-there at the moment.” Pope gave him a questioning look. “The guy who... took the beating. He volunteered.”

“That was not the terms I set.” Pope scowled. 

“If revenge was your goal... you got more than you asked for,” The guard paused. “Teller and Ope Winston seems to have had a romantic connection. Teller went mad, beat his hands bloody against the glass, crying and sc-reaming.” The guard voice broke. “He couldn't walk out...his guys had to carry him.”

Pope nodded to himself, satisfied. “Get me the surveillance from the cells and the cellar.” He might not have gotten everything he wanted, but as his motivation for wanting Teller on his back was far from satisfying his own carnal need. Those tapes might be worth more in terms of long term havoc.

All without starting a war.

 

# 

 

When Jax parked his bike in front of the house the next evening he was exhausted, worn to the bone, physically and emotionally. He had asked his mother to take Abel for the night as he knew it was going to be a trying evening – as if Ope's wake, saving hookers and fighting with his mom wasn't hard enough. 

This was not something he could postpone. What had happened, Ope kissing him. That was a big deal. The only way they had a chance at survival was honesty. Isaak would be able to tell if he tried to keep something from him. He was just like that. He could read him like a book. That was what made him such a good Dom. 

As he opened the door he was met with the sight of Isaak hanging up his coat and dropping his bag by the door. “This.... may not be the best time,” Isaak started. “But I could not help but feel something in the air at the wake. Something other than grief?” He pulled Jax into his arms. 

Jax collapsed into his arms and rest his head against his chest, soaking up the heat of his Doms body. Isaak rubbed his back and kissed the top of his head. Isaak frowned as he felt Jax tremble in his arms. Isaak frowned as Jax pulled away and he saw his sweet love crying, “Jax-”

“I'm sorry -”

“Don't apologise,” Isaak cut him off. “You're allowed to be sad. He was your best friend.” 

Jax shook his head. He had to tell him. “Ope kissed me.” 

“I know-” Isaak replied.

“In prison,” Jax cut him off. 

Isaak stiffened, “Pardon?” 

Jax felt weak and he was shaking so badly he could barely stand up. “In prison,” he repeated. “He kissed me, before he headed into the cage, w-where he was killed,” he stuttered. 

Isaak stepped back and crossed his arms over his chest, trying to comprehend what Jax was telling him. He felt an unfamiliar fury rise in his gut, a fury accompanied by a strange soreness. He exhaled through his nose in an effort to calm and think clearly. With all the secrets in their relationship, he owed it to Jax to at least hear him out. Considering Opie voluntarily walked to his own death just after, there was no one for him to beat the shit out of either.

“Why? What happened?”

“He said he never meant to break my heart,” Jax's tears rolled ticker as he spoke, both because of grief and shame at what he had done. He sank to his knees, too tired to stand. “Last thing he said as they caved his head in was that he loved me.”

Isaak felt his heart beat harder at the sight of Jax kneeling before him, but it was not the rush of domspace at seeing his Sub kneel. It was nausea. “Don't,” he rasped, “Get up.” 

“I can't,” Jax sobbed. 

Unable to bare the sight Isaak grabbed Jax by his arm and hauled him to his feet. A second later the door opened to reveal Chibs. 

Chibs stopped in his tracks, the sight of his President and his significant other in a – Jax was crying. Chibs blinked. Not just tears of grief for his brother: outright sobbing. Isaak looked angry as he hauled Jax to his feet. 

“Am I disturbing?” Chibs asked. 

Isaak pushed Jax behind him with a glare. “Yes. What do you need?”

“Gemma sent me over to get Abel's overnightbag. She forgot it… with the wake and all…” Wordlessly Isaak moved aside and gestured for Chibs to go get what he was there for. 

Isaak heard Chibs stop by their bedroom where Jax had disappeared into. Suddenly tired, he grabbed the bottle of cognac and poured himself a glass.

 

#

 

“Jax,” Chibs started, “That was quite the scene I walked in on.” Jax wiped his face and shook his head. “I know this is not a good time, but…” Chibs gestured to the kitchen where Isaak was, “This got something to do with Ope kissing you before he…?” After a moments hesitation, Jax nodded. “But Isaak ain't the crazy unreasonable type, so am I wrong if I presume there is more to it, Prez?” Chibs sat down next to him. 

“History,” Jax said. “This just landed on top of everything else.”

“I gather Ope did not leave well alone as Isaak came to town? It’s been building?” Chibs asked. Jax nodded, Chibs scratched his beard. “Did you love him back Jax?”

Jax nodded, then he shook his head, “I did, and it could have been, but… he got married. Not like that, I…” he sighed and pulled at his hair. Chibs frowned at the disjointed sentences. Jax was barely making sense, but he got the gist. “I don't know what I was thinking.” 

“Did Ope tell you he was going to…”

“No, but I think he had already decided.”

Chibs nodded thoughtfully, “Ope knew you better than anyone, Jax. I think he knew what you were going to do. I think that what happened between you two was his way of telling you how much he loved you, his last chance.” Chibs saw Jax's shoulder trembling as he tried to keep it together. “Jax, Ope knew that you loved him like a brother. He knew that he never stood a chance next to your Isaak, and after Donna… he's been falling apart since then. This was a long time coming and… you were his dying wish, Jax.”

 

As Chibs left he passed the kitchen. He paused spoke, “Isaak,” Isaak acknowledged him with a minute tip of the head. “You have something rare here. Others… they don't survive shit that you two brush off like dust. You and Abel… are the center of this universe.” Chibs slung Abel's bag over his shoulder and turned to leave. “We're all just men, Isaak. We make mistakes. You both abused that boys heart. But you, Isaak, you got another chance. Ope strove for one, but Jax didn’t have anything to give him. You need to look into your heart and find out if you love Jax more than you hate that someone else could love him as much as you do.” 

 

#

 

Isaak leaned against the door frame of their bedroom. Jax was sitting on the edge, looking dejected and... small. “I love you, sunshine.” Jax looked up at him, his eyes red and puffy. He sat down next to him and took his hand. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Jax whispered. 

Isaak caressed his cracked and bruised black and torn knuckles. “What happened?”

“I tried to break the glass.” Jax wetted his lower lip. “They locked us in a room next to... with windows so we could see them -” he inhaled shakily, “-beating him with pipes.” 

Isaak just stroked his hand gently. “From the beginning, love.”

 

“Pope made me chose. He had decided then and… he went for it… I suppose…” Jax trailed off. 

“He’s loved me since we were kids. Once, we were seven I think, he arranged a whole wedding at the clubhouse, he even had the club come as guests and my mom made cake.” 

Isaak couldn't help but smile weakly. 

“I just realised we were each others first kiss…”

“And you were his last,” Isaak finished. 

Fresh tears filled Jax's blue eyes, “I'm sorry,” he apologised again. 

“Do you love him?” Isaak asked. 

“Yes.” New tears slipped down. “Not like you, but I do.” 

Isaak kissed his hand. He exhaled slowly, “If he wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him for putting his hands on you.” Wordlessly, he leaned in and kissed Isaak on the cheek. He knew Isaak would have ended anyone who touched him. Isaak sighed and pulled Jax in to his side, tucking him under his arm. 

 

 

Isaak watched Jax sleep. He didn't know what to do. He hadn't been this confused in a long time. He couldn't think of a single being in this living world he loved more than this ferocious biker of his. There was nothing he loved more than waking up with a face full of long blond hair. Even as his lover laid messy, tangled hair, covered in sweat, bruises and light bite marks he felt the need to mark his territory. Even as he knew Jax would be sore and tender in the morning he felt the irrational, no, rational need to reclaim what was his. 

Jax woke up to fingers running up and down his side gently. Isaak's warm hand slipped down to rub his stomach and slid over his hips. Jax hummed sleepily and arched into the touch. Isaak moved to enter him from behind but stopped as Jax protested. 

“No,” Jax stopped him and turned over. Isaak raised a questioning brow. Jax scooted down on the bed and laid his thighs over Isaak's hips. With his hand he guided Isaak closer. “Come,” he said softly. Jax exhaled sharply as Isaak pushed into his body. 

“Sore?” Isaak asked. Jax nodded. His body was as sore as his heart. But Isaak, Isaak was the hot water to all his sore muscles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Urk, you can thank Charlie Hunnam Internation for the early update. They oversaturated my feed with beach pictures and now I just had to... unsubscribe because I get nothing done with my life when Facebook is so tempting.


	45. 5.5

Abel sighed and picked at his cheerios. The days after Opie’s wake had been brutal on everyone. Abel was staying with Gemma and Clay as Jax recovered, both physically and mentally. Abel knew daddy’s friend had died, but he still felt there was something else in the air. 

“What’s up little man?” Gemma asked and sipped her coffee. Clay poured himself a cup and sat down as well.

Abel gave her a sullen look. “I think daddy has a baby in his tummy.” 

Gemma coughed as her coffee went down the wrong pipe. Clay just blinked and shook his head. It was too fucking early and his oxygen wasn’t making him high enough to want to deal with that. He wasn’t even sure he’d even heard the kid correctly. Gemma cleared her throat. “Why do you think that honey?” 

“Daddy’s tummy is big.” Abel crossed his arms over his chest and looked mightily cross from a four year old. “And wrested like parents do when they want a baby, and daddy threw up like mommies do.” 

“Honey,” Gemma interrupted, “Your daddy does not have a baby in his tummy, okay. Sometimes grown-ups like to wrestle just because it feels good, not because they want another baby.” Abel just scowled at her. 

“I heard them talking,” he said. “They were talking about a baby.” 

“I believe you honey,” Gemma smiled, “but daddy is a boy, and boys don’t have the right parts for growing a baby.” Gemma could see Abel didn’t quite believe her. “How about this. I’ll talk to daddy, okay, and he will tell you the truth.”

Abel looked distrustful, but in the end he nodded and went back to eating his cheerios. Gemma turned to look at Clay, who just shook his head once more. 

 

#

 

Gemma had headed over to Jax’s house, only to find that naturally he was not there. Isaak’s house was more spacious, better suited for an energetic child like Abel. Vanya, whom Gemma knew as Isaak’s executive assistant, let her in with a quiet smile and a nod before she headed back to the terrace. 

Jax gave her a look as she walked into the kitchen.Her son looked completely wrecked. In a good way, she supposed. 

Jax wasn’t all that pleased with having visitors today. Not so soon after Opie’s wake. All he wanted was some quiet time to digest. Everything hurt. Everything hurt in a big way, but a good way. Isaak had taken him apart in every way he knew how, physically and emotionally. Jax had spent most of the night screaming himself hoarse. When he hadn’t been crying in pleasure, Isaak had taken good use of his mouth. Jax never quite got the hang of it, but he still enjoyed it once in a while. His throat was paying for it now. 

“Vanya let me in,” Gemma said. 

“Abel with Clay?” Jax winced at the sound of his voice. 

“You coming down with something?” she asked and gestured to her throat. 

“Just rough night,” he sat down gingerly. Fuck. His legs were shaking. Pain laced up his spine as he sat down, his hips and his rear not keen on their meeting with the kitchen chair. 

“He hard on you?” 

“Just when he’s happy with me,” Jax leered tiredly. He felt wrung out. He had a feeling Isaak was preparing him for something. He’d filled him with so much oil, lube and water, Jax was sure he could swallow a grape and it would fall straight through him. Even closing in on the midday Jax had decided he wasn’t going anywhere. His body need time to heal. Sitting at the kitchen counter with his mom with a plug up his behind was bad enough, he wasn’t going anywhere near the club with it. Had it been a sex toy he could appreciate the naughtiness, but it was a purely utilitarian device that was more like a disposable diva-cup than anything else, and thus horribly unsexy and entirely mortifying. 

 

Jax was just grateful that Isaak was so heavily involved in the community, and kept Lux as a place he could bring Jax there even when he was half floating out of his mind. It kept Jax in touch with other subs, many who had more extreme, or more preformative tastes than Jax did. One thing was that Isaak had no barriers and was not embarrassed by anything, but some conversation was just more comfortable for Jax with someone who shared his experiences. If he leaked and it made him feel sexy, he’d gladly purr and seek affection. If he leaked and felt uncomfortable, he would just get ill-tempered. Jax knew Isaak understood why. 

The first time Jax addressed the issue, he’d blushed, stuttered and dear lord it made him feel embarrassed just thinking about it. In truth, he hadn’t so much addressed it, as Isaak refused to let him go out alone to the pharmacy after a session. Jax had been relieved, but no less embarrassed when the thing that he at the time didn’t actually know what was called appeared in the bathroom in a nice box, along with some pads and instructions. Jax hated it, but it was a short lived consequence of the type of play they enjoyed. 

Isaak’s hands on his swollen stomach made it worth it. Jax still couldn’t believe he’d had the courage to do such a thing. He was blessed with Isaak not only accepting it, but taking it and bringing Jax to height of physical pleasure and emotional catharsis he’d never imagined. Jax was certain that if he hadn’t heard other at Lux talking about things, he would have been too mortified to even entertain the thought of asking for it. Fuck, he’d owned a porn studio and the things Isaak would do with him still made him blush. 

 

“Abel is telling me you’re having another kid,” Gemma said, pretending to be causal and Jax immediately felt he was in for a conversation he wasn’t going to like. He knew that tone of voice. “More to the point, Abel thinks you have a baby in your tummy. That you and Isaak wrestle like mommies and daddies do when they want a baby.”

Jax paused and gave his mother an odd look. The first thing that occurred to him was that they had to start to lock the door. That wouldn’t really be feasible as Abel still sometimes crawled into bed with them. For Abel to meet a locked door when he’d woken in the middle of the night wasn’t something he wanted his child to experience. Jax ignored the latter two points, and addressed the first. “We’ve been talking about it.” 

“You think this is a good time to bring another kid into the world?” 

The question hit a sore spot Jax had been keenly aware of, but had in the grand scheme of things been ignoring the best he could. He put his cup down hard, harder than he intended, making his mother startle. “We’ve talked about it.” He also knew that is was increasingly becoming less a sore spot, and more a bleeding wound. 

“Ain’t a good idea, Jax.” Jax didn’t understand the anger that exploded in him. It wasn’t like anything he’d ever felt before. His hands shook, he was so angry. Gemma frowned, “Jax?” 

“Ain’t like we can just accidentally end up with another kid, so why don’t you leave it alone.” 

Gemma raised a brow, “A bit of common sense isn’t something to get angry about, Jax.” 

Jax put his hands on the able top, the cold along his palms soothing some of the hurt. “Ope never wanted kids,” he said quietly. 

Gemma sat down and took his hand, “How does that tie in to this?”

“He just thought it was the proper thing to do…” Jax sighed, feeling the energy drain from him. “He and Lyla separated cause he was pushing for another, and she didn’t want to.” 

“Why not just have another? Would have been good for them.” 

“Because Ope ain’t a father mom. He dumped it all on Donna, and I had to pick up his slack. Then on Piney, Mary, then on Lyla. Now she’s on her own with three kids, two of them ain’t hers… all cause Ope just never thought things through… he just… didn’t see beyond the tip of his own god damned nose, and everyone else has to burn for it. Ken and Ellie first.”

“Honey,” Gemma sighed sadly, “We’ll help her.” 

“Ain’t the point, mom. The burden wasn’t supposed to be hers. Ope just took the easy way out.” 

“Pipe to the head doesn’t sound like an easy way out Jax,” Gemma said softly. 

“When I talked to him at the wake, he wanted me to leave Isaak and give him another chance.” 

Gemma shook her head, “Piney’s memorial? That wasn’t the time-”

“No it really wasn’t.” 

“What does this have to do with you wanting to give Abel a sibling, hm?” 

Jax paused, “It hurts so god damned bad that he’ll just throw away something we can’t have.” He sniffed and pulled away, “It… boggles me that…”

“He’d chase ass over thinking of his kids?” 

“Yeah…” 

Gemma just sat silently, watching her son sit there with his eyes closed, thinking about their conversation. Why was it that Jax having another child was reckless, but Ope and Lyla having one was just a sensible thing? Ope was a terrible father, and Jax… wasn’t fantastic- the club killed that, but he did the best he could. Lyla was a good mother who hadn’t been dealt the best hand, but the world would burn if anyone claimed she didn’t put the kids first. Gemma supposed it was the lack of a mother in the picture that gave her reservations. It would have been naive of her to think Jax would have been as involved in Abel’s life if Wendy was still around, or if he’d started dating Tara. Isaak changed the dynamic she was used to seeing. He was a formidable man, and so very good to Abel, but he wasn’t a mother. Children that lost their fathers were usually fine in the long run. Children that lost their mothers were another matter. 

Gemma sighed to herself.

But it wasn’t truly that simple was it? A more truthful way of putting it was that a child that lost their primary carer struggled. They struggled more when their other parent didn’t step up to fill the void. Wendy bailed, Jax stepped up. Ope went to prison, Donna stepped up in a big way. Donna died and Ope crumbled. Lyla stepped up. Isaak stepped up. 

 

The bigger question was why Jax suddenly wanted kids. He loved Abel, but he had never wanted children. Eventually she spoke, “A baby, Jax? When did that come on?” Jax looked at her. His mother saw the drawn, red-rimmed eyes and the anguish etched in his features. Realisation dawned on her, “Oh honey,” she got up and embraced him tightly. She didn’t understand, not truly. Feeling her sons tears again her skin, she wondered if it was such a stretch that Jax would feel the same insistent need to have a child with the one he loved? Like she had with John? Nature could be so damned cruel. “Things will calm down. You’ll get your baby. I’m sure Isaak would move heaven and earth for you.” 

“I know mom.” 

Gemma kissed his head and gave him a squeese. “But you need to watch that good food he’s feeding you. Abel says you’re gaining weight?” 

“Uh?” 

“Baby in your tummy,” Gemma gave a small smirk and sat down. “Abel’s right. You’ve expanded a bit.”

Jax grumbled under his breath. “I haven’t I just…”

“Just?” 

“I just get a bit swollen.” Jax sipped his coffee, blush staining his cheeks. 

Gemma arched a brow. “He fuck you so deep your stomach swells? Damn. I underestimated the power in that fine suit.” 

Jax smiled cheekily. “You have no idea. Two hundred pounds of military built muscle.”

“Age not making him soft?” 

Jax snorted, “Not even a little.”

“That why you need the day? He fucked the grief away?” 

“Something like that,” he smiled sadly into his cup. 

 

#

 

Jax sat with the minutes to the last town hall meetings in his hands, wondering why Isaak hadn’t said anything. Currently he was waiting on him to ask that precise thing. Now that Clay was back on his feet- oxygen tank in hand, they’d had a meet with Galen. It hadn’t gone all that well. They’d laid into each other something fierce. For Jax, that had been a release of built up anger that he had no real ways to get rid of. 

There were so many things that made him angry. It made him angry that Ope was dead. It made him angry that Lyla was now on her own and he didn’t have the time to step up for her the way he had Donna. It made him angry that he knew Isaak was serious in that he would have killed Ope for putting his hands on him.

It almost made him wish Pope hadn’t heeded his warning and raped him anyway. He deserved the pain. Ken and Ellie would still have a dad. Pope and his crew would be wiped out. He’d be free of the SoA and off preparing for expanding their family. 

He’d only have his own wounds to lick. 

He felt ashamed for thinking it. Especially knowing what his mom had been through. Oswell’s daughter…

He felt a little nauseous. 

He didn’t know why he felt nauseous- if it was because he thought being raped was easier than what they all were going through now, or if it was because he’d actually thought about using Isaak’s rage to solve his club-issues, or because he had wiped the option of Pope fucking him off the table because just the thought of it made him feel sick. He’d always have to wonder if Pope getting his rocks off would have saved Ope’s life. 

He didn’t use to care that much who he had sex with, but that had changed. It wasn’t a feeling that was related to sex with men. Both Isaak and Opie had been meaningful in their own way, but this feeling that had been growing in him was new. He wasn’t sure if he liked it.

Isaak came in, interrupting Jax’s deep thoughts. He saw the town hall minutes in his lap and immediately knew why Jax was there. “Sweetheart-”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Isaak sat down opposite Jax, not in his seat behind the desk. “There have been quite a few things on the agenda lately. This just wasn’t important enough to take up my private time as well as my professional.” 

Jax sighed. “We making a deal with Hale. I’ll fix this, Isaak.”

“It’s not yours to fix, Jax,” Isaak said mildly and stroked his thumb over the bruise along the bone of Jax’s eye-socket. 

“Maybe not, but I want something from Hale. Hale needs something I can get done. Just…” Jax got up and dropped down in Isaak’s lap, needing the contact. “Just talk to me, Isaak. Share with me. I care about what you’re dealing with.”

“I know darling. I just didn’t think… never mind,” Isaak stopped himself. “A late one for you, then?” 

“A bit. Before our bedtime I think.”

“Your mother wants to keep Abel another night,” Isaak murmured into Jax’s hair. 

Jax nodded, enjoying his moment of cocooning, away form all the troubles and the drama. 

 

#

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N hm, I know this wasn’t much of a smexy chapter, but I (and I presume we!) spend a lot of time enjoying the fun sides of Jax’s development in BDSM and sexuality. I want to touch more on how Jax feels about himself and his body, not just how he reacts to circumstance. Everything happens so quickly that Jax never has time to think. Being with Isaak forces him to think and reflect on himself as an independent person, not as a father, or as a Son, but his own desires set completely apart from any expectations. I just think that with how his character and mindset has developed in this story, it’s important to also see his discomforts with his body in a practical sense, set next to his mild dysmorphia and back-lag of feelings about masculinity and his sexuality. What do you all think about that?
> 
> I also just realised that I've been posting this story since 2016, and working on it longer. Mind is Blown. Time passes so quickly.


	46. 5.6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit short, but eventful.

Jax studied himself in the mirror. Isaak was sleeping behind him, but Jax was wide awake. His eyes trailed along defined muscle and the gentle swell of his stomach. Slowly he sat up and ran his hands over his hips and his lower stomach. 

He felt wrong. 

He felt wrong all over. It was like something was missing inside him. He didn’t understand what was going on in his head. He didn’t understand why he felt this way. He understood the deep insistent need, but he didn’t understand why he felt so wrong. 

A warm strong arm snaked around him and pulled him close again. The tight sour feeling in his stomach loosened slowly, but it didn’t go away. He wanted something he couldn’t have. Squeezing his eyes shut he tried to push away the microscopic tendrils of hatred growing in his heart. 

Hot kissed were dropped at the back of his neck, uncaring for the long sleep-tangled hair. It softened the pain, but the love he felt for Isaak, only made him want to give him what they wanted even more. It made him hate his body for its… he knew it wasn’t a dysfunction, but it felt like it. 

 

“I can hear the wheels turning,” Isaak rumbled sleepily. “Penny for your thought?” 

Jax bit Isaak’s hand lightly, feeling desolate. “Nothing new,” he replied quietly. 

Isaak didn’t speak. He didn’t need to. He knew what was on Jax’s mind. Instead he pulled him flush and held him tightly, nipping firmly at soft skin. 

Not knowing what else to do, Jax closed his eyes and tried to sleep again. 

#

 

Jax had managed to snatch a piece of fudge that hadn’t been laced with drugs before they were all done. One would think the Sons would have some respect for their President and save him some, but no. Savages. 

“We can borrow some of your stuff?” Happy asked.

Jax raised a brow ass all eyes turned to him. “Hm?”

“You BDSM stuff,” Chibs clarified. “Not like we got the stuff laying around.” 

“Ball-gag, some latex, handcuffs, a whip,” Happy shrugged, “the usual stuff.”

Jax stared at them with wide eyes and a disbelieving chuckle, “You serious? I don’t have any stuff like that.”

Juice glanced at him from behind the laptop, “Don’t you and Isaak do stuff like that?”

“You don’t have any fetish gear? Hell, even I got shit laying around,” Happy grumbled. 

Jax snorted and chewed some fudge. “I solemnly swear that neither I, nor Isaak own a single piece of latex or fucking ball-gags. Ask the porn stars.”

 

#

 

Isaak was in Sacramento when he bumped into Wendy of all people. “Oh my god,” she greeted, “How are you?”

“All is as well as well can be,” Isaak replied with a smile, noting that she looked strong and healthy. Her long blond hair was curly, thick and shiny, so unlike the greasy dull mess it had been the last time he’d seen her. Her cheeks had a natural flush and her eyes were not quite so tired. “Are you heading somewhere?”

“I just finished work.”

“Would you like to join me for a coffee? I’d like to know how you have been,” he said gently. 

Her bright smile dimmed a little, but she nodded, “I would like that.” They walked for a bit, scouting for a nice cafe to enjoy the sun in. “How is Jax?” 

“Jax is well. We married a few weeks ago.” 

Wendy smiled, feeling a burst of happiness for them, “Congratulations!”

“It was unorthodox, but memorable,” Isaak smirked a little. “Abel is doing well also. He will be starting pre-school soon. Would you like to see a picture?”

“I would love that,” she whispered. Isaak pulled out his phone and scrolled to a picture of Abel sitting on Jax’s lap as they ate breakfast. “He has grown so much. And Jax looks so happy. It’s like that happy glow he had when he met you never faded from the puppy love.”

“It has… had its ups and downs.” Isaak replied, thinking of the scar at Jax’s temple. “How have you been?”

Wendy smiled and dried a happy tear. “I’ve been sober since he was born. I can’t thank you enough,” she took his hand. 

Isaak shook his head, “You gave me a son. Nothing I can do for you will measure up.”

“I’m still grateful,” she replied, “I… I wouldn’t have made it without that rehab, the follow up.” 

“You’ve made the most of it?”

She nodded and put a smile on again, “I finished my degree. I got a job as a councilor at the local college, and I volunteer as a sober-living councilor at the hospital. Starting my masters in the spring to become fully certified.” 

Isaak hummed happily, “You’ve been busy, working hard.” 

She nodded proudly, “I have.”

“Yet I detect a note of sadness?” he quizzed. 

“Just…” she brushed her hair out of her face, “Seeing Abel. Bring out a lot of emotions.” 

“I can imagine,” he nodded, wondering if she wanted time with her son. If she did, Isaak did not see any purpose of refusing it, but he wasn’t certain Jax felt the same way. Isaak hadn’t felt the pain of nearly losing Abel as he was born quite as keenly as Jax did. Of course, he was human and felt the pain, but at the time had not felt that Abel was his. That had come much later. 

“I never wanted kids, y’know. Still don’t. I mean, I love him, but I’m so grateful you and Jax are parents to him.” 

That answered that he supposed. “But?” 

She sighed heavily, “I want to have my tubes tied, but no doc will refer me until I’m either closing in on fifty or have another child. To make sure I don’t regret it, they say. Or get married again. It’s like my body belongs more to a possible future husband than it does to me.” 

Isaak frowned, “That… does not really make sense.” 

Wendy snorted, “That’s America for you. Land of the free, unless you’re female.” There was nothing Isaak could say to that. HE had seen too many cases of that being precisely the case. “I… I’ve been looking to be a surrogate for someone.” She looked away, mistaking Isaak reaction for disapproval. “Pregnancy wasn’t so bad. And they can tie my tubes in the c-section.” 

 

“You sound like you have given this a great deal of thought,” he said softly. 

“I have,” she nodded, “I have. Having a period every month until menopause is both a literal pain and an unnecessary expense,” she reasoned, feeling like she needed o justify her decision to the man who had made her new life possible. “I don’t want an accidental pregnancy and adoption can be so uncertain…”

Isaak hesitated before he spoke, not sure if he was at liberty to share, but in the end, he decided to take the leap. “Jackson wants to have another child.” 

Wendy paused, “What?” 

Isaak nodded, “He wants a baby.” 

“I… I never thought Jax would…”

Isaak shrugged, “It’s complicated. But he wants to expand our little family.” 

“I can imagine,” she bit her lip, “Look, I know it’s… a lot of history, but I could surrogate for you? I know I screwed up last time, but… Abel will have a blood sibling, no matter which one of you is the father. I would feel safer, knowing you already.” 

Isaak nodded, “Sibling bonds are important. Our plan was to start looking as Jax retired from the club, but I am getting the increasing feeling that he is struggling.” 

“He is retiring?” Wendy asked, pained at the thought of Jax not being well. 

Isaak scowled to himself, chewing on his lip. “The club has gotten entangled in some rough business. He wants to prioritise Abel.” 

“That seems like a good idea. If he is worried,” Wendy nodded. To be honest, with Clay nearing retirement, she had seen that coming a mile away. 

Isaak nodded, “I’ll mention it. At the right time. But it’s -”

“Complicated,” Wendy finished. “You think Jax might prefer someone else?” 

Isaak gave her a meaningful look, “I think that the only scenario in which Jax would be truly happy, was if we wouldn’t need a surrogate.”

Wendy raised a brow, “Oh, wow. Things really have changed. How long-?” 

Isaak shook his head. “Not sure.”

“You think it might have something to do with your lifestyle?” 

“Maybe,” he replied, shortly, but in an honesty, he didn’t have a clue. 

“He loves you so much,” Wendy said. “It must hurt real bad for him not to be able to express it like that… nature can be cruel.”

Isaak nodded. “I do believe… that it would be easier for him if it was you. You hold a special place in his heart.”

“I don’t know about that,” said sadly. 

“You were his wife, and carried his child,” Isaak said and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “That type of love never truly fades.” 

 

#

Jax felt dirty after having dealt with Biacone. At least their deal with Hale was settled, and the vote would pass. Isaak was giving him a look. A strange look. 

“I met Wendy today.”

Ah. 

Jax gave him some side-eye. “How is she?” 

“Very well. Clean, finished her degree, starting a masters, working as a councilor.” 

Jax nodded. “Good. She deserves a break.” 

“She wants to have her tubes tied.” 

Jax blinked. “Random change of subject,” he muttered. 

“No doctor will refer her because they think she will regret it.” 

“Ok…” guess he understood the line of thought, considering where he was at himself, but her body at all that. Still, he felt a knot tie in his stomach. What he didn’t understand was Isaak’s very measure tone of voice. 

“Until she has another child, that is,” Isaak leaned against the counter as Jax busied himself with the food. “Jax.” 

“What,” Jax snapped and smacked the knife down on the table. 

Isaak did not let himself be ruffled. “She was looking to be a surrogate for someone, as she doesn’t want children for herself.” 

Jax paused and turned to him, “Are you serious?” 

“She said she understood if there was too much history, but she does very much want to-”

“Are you serious?” Jax shouted. 

“Yes!” Isaak exclaimed. “She will do it for someone regardless, but she wants it to be us. Abel would have a biologically related sibling-” Isaak was cut off as Jax slipped into his arms and hugged him fiercely. “Am I to take that as a yes?” Isaak smiled warmly, feeling Jax nod again his chest. “There is an event at Lux next week. I’d like to take you. We can meet her and talk at the same time?” 

Jax nodded again, tears filling his eyes. 

 

#


	47. 5.7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I feel a bit corny calling bdsm and kink-research actual research, but it is, and as with internetz and research there are rabbit-holes. I ended up in a rabbit hole.

*

 

“I’ll be heading out to LA next week,” Jax notified the table. “Will be gone for a few days. I trust you guys can behave yourselves while I’m gone.” 

“You having a delayed honeymoon, prez?” Juice teased. 

“Something like that,” Jax smirked. “It’s an event or something for Lux. Would be frowned upon if the husband of the owner didn’t show his face.” 

“Taking Abel with you?” 

“Nah. Mom missed him. Gonna meet up with Wendy though.” 

“Can’t be good,” Chibs said, worried. 

Jax shrugged, “I’ll let you know if it amounts to anything.” 

“That’s bull,” Bobby said flatly. “That ain’t how we operate, kid. Dish.” 

Jax sighed and rolled his eyes, “Wendy wants to get her tubes tied, but doc says she’s either gotta wait ten years, or have another kid. She wants to be a surrogate for someone. I wanted to ask if she’d be willing to do it for Isaak and me.”

“Shit,” Chibs exclaimed, “That’s heavy -and a bit soon. You only been married a couple of weeks.” 

“Abel is growing up fast. Don’t want the age difference between them too big,” Jax said reasonably. “It’s a good time.” The Sons gave each other discreet looks, but they had viable enough social antennas to understand that the subject was not up for any input from them. 

 

# 

 

“You seem distracted,” Jax asked. He leaned against the window, watching Isaak drive. 

“Some things on my mind,” Isaak muttered, distracted and whatever focus he had he kept on the road. 

“Like?” 

Isaak smiled, “A little something for you.” 

Jax bit his lip, “like that thing you’ve been preparing me for? 

Isaak’s smile widened, “You could tell, uh?” Jax just giggled. “I’m worried.”

“Why?” 

“I’m worried it will be too much for you,” Isaak admitted. 

“Physically, or-?”

“Both.”

Jax let the silence hang for a bit before he spoke, “Is it for the party?” 

“I’d like for it to be, if it is to your comfort.” 

“It’s a kink party?” 

“Of sorts.”

“You want me drifting?” 

“I want you happy and purring,” Isaak smiled, white teeth gleaming. Jax wiggled and got comfortable, curious about the coming scene. 

 

#

Jax had honestly expected the fucking of his life. Isaak had taken him through some rough scenes without worrying about his ability to take it. Now that he worried, Jax had full expectation of not being able to walk properly for days. 

Instead he had been dunked in oil, hair included, then scrubbed until his skin peeled off. It was a Korean thing. He’d done it before, but they seemed especially attentive today. Every inch of him had been waxed from collarbones down, balls included. Fuck, they had even gotten the fine invisible ones on top of his fingers. 

With an hour break, Isaak had given him a deep enema, making sure he was clean, then he filled him again, but only a little.

Then came the blind-fold. Then back to the spa, getting scrubbed again, buffed, oiled and moisturized, this time with a significant toy in place and stomach curved. The spa attendants made no comments. 

It was LA. Jax supposed there was nothing they hadn’t seen. He was over being self-conscious. 

As soon as Isaak slid into him, Jax shuddered his release. Isaak took his time and Jax was near loosing his mind. Isaak didn’t usually take the time to nail his prostate like that, as he stoked by it anyhow, and Jax liked the depth more than anything. Today he was pounding his sweet spot and Jax head was swimming and he had a vague feeling his husband - god his husband, was barely getting started. 

Isaak pulled out. “Present,” he ordered. On reflex Jax spread his thighs and pressed his chest to the mattress. “Hold position.” 

Soon came fingers once more, then his entire hand. Jax exhaled sharply, hands clenching the sheets, but he didn’t move as Isaak moved inside him. He quivered, moaned, cried, whined and literally cried as he was touched deeper than he ever had been. Goosebumps spread on his body and made it difficult to inhale a single breath. Isaak carefully removed his hand, treasuring the quiver in Jax’s thighs. Jax sighed sweetly, purring as Isaak poured lube into him, stroking him, petting him. 

When his sub was a ball of goo, he left Jax on the bed, knowing he would remain. Jax sighed deeply and wanted badly to sink into a more relaxing pose as his muscles shook in exertion. “Darling,” Isaak spoke softly. “Are you ready?” 

“Mhm,” Jax murmured. Then something he hadn’t felt before pressing into him. It was oddly shaped, but slipped in easily to start with. As Isaak pushed it deeper, Jax gasped, confused by the bumps and twists of the soft, but firm silicone. Isaak paused, giving him a minute. Jax was shaking, not knowing if he could stretch that far. 

“Breathe, darling,” Isaak urged. Jax whined and did the best he could. Isaak stroked his back and murmured words of praise. As Jax was shaking, Isaak asked, “Colour?” 

Jax sobbed, tears wetting his blindfold. He didn’t know if he could take more, but Isaak had never hurt him, never taken him beyond his limits. Every cell in his body trusted him even if his mind was uncertain, “g-green,” he stuttered. Isaak narrowed his eyes suspiciously, but proceeded carefully. Very carefully as Jax’s consent had been more timid than he was usually comfortable with. Jax’s breath quickened, but his muscles relaxed marginally as the stretch lessened. He startled and jumped a little as the lack of resistance made his body suck in a great portion of it. “Ah,” he cried out, but with Isaak’s support, but managed to stay up. 

He stroked Jax’s back, soothing him and rubbing his muscles and his sides to prevent him cramping up. Jax made a small sound, signaling he was ready again. Gently he pressed again and Jax sobbed loudly. The stretch made him hold his breath, but it didn’t last long. Once more his body took grip and sucked it in as the resistance faded. This time it slid in entirely and the firm fullness shocked him, and he crumbled on the bed. He tried to get back up, but he was shaking too much. 

“Shhhh,” Isaak soothed him, “lay down,” he said and guided him gently to lay on his side. He stroked his hair, caressed his sides and his thighs. As he got used to the feeling, he got a hold of his breathing and his mind started to catch up with the situation. “Little sunshine,” Isaak murmured, “how are you feeling?” Jax just whined weakly, but Isaak understood and slipped his arm under his head and laid behind him. Tensions drained from him. Jax could feel stress releasing it’s hold on him. He didn’t really dare direct his attention towards his stomach just yet. 

“Isaak,” Jax sobbed, clinging to his arm. Isaak just held him tighter and let him cry. Warmth radiated from his husband and the tight grip felt grounding. Jax was dizzy and disoriented. His entire world was swaying, his only focus point was the heat along his back. His skin was oversensitive and bare, free of the light layer of fur that usually protected him from the movements of the air around him. Now he could feel everything. The sheets felt scratchy, Isaak’s clothes felt like steel-wool, and his entire self felt like it was weighted down by rocks. 

#

He had no idea how much time had passed. It could have been minutes or hours. He rubbed his face against the pillow, pushing the blindfold off. It was not yet dark out, so that gave him some semblance of time. 

“How are you doing, love?” Isaak asked quietly. Jax sighed and didn’t answer. “You slept for an hour.” 

“Late?” 

“Not even in the slightest.” 

Jax carefully pushed himself up, his body feeling wrung out and unfamiliar. With a grimace, he held his swelled stomach. Just the act of sitting up made him lose his breath. He felt a firm mass inside himself. It was both soft and heavy at the same time. He sat up on his knees to relieve the pressure and was surprised to feel he did not have any sort of plug to help him retain… it. He ran through the events of the scene in his head the best he could. His mind was still foggy, but he could feel it all so clearly. “Isaak,” he muttered. 

“Yeah darling?” Isaak replied quietly, studying him carefully. 

“Just hold me,” he whispered. Isaak took him gently back into his arms and cradled him close, “Thank you,” Jax murmured. 

Isaak knew he wasn’t being thanked for the embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I mean, obviously previous chapters show I was perfectly aware of the feeling of wanting, and body dysmorphia that often comes with it, but that actual simulation was a thing was c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y. new to me. Its a real thing. After so many years in fandom-ness-worlds and mpreg being such a big thing, its not that much of a stretch. I dont know why I was even the slightest surprised.


End file.
